Won’t Change the World Thanksgiving Special

I am thankful for many things in 2012. With plenty of food, a roof over my head, decent healthcare, and a loving wife, there are plenty of thanks to be giving. However, I have to ask myself. Am I truly celebrating Thanksgiving like pilgrims did? I am not.

In order to truly celebrate Thanksgiving like the pilgrims, I’ll have to find a native population to rape and pillage then kick them off their land and take it for myself. After decimating the population with disease, superior weaponry, and sheer numbers, I’ll offer them a turkey dinner. The ones that are alive will be sure thankful that they are alive.

About burning your tribe’s village: Whoops! Let’s eat some turkey and forget it happened.

Since the world has already been conquered a while ago, I am going to need to find a native population to hatch my colonial celebration. There really aren’t much left who aren’t already under the jurisdiction of a civilized country. So I’ll probably have to terrorize suburban populations. Being located in New Mexico, I’ll have to change my tactics a little to account for historical accuracy.

Use the bathroom before the armour! Always when I’m conquering.

I’ll dress up like an old school conquistador, gather an army, march into Trader Joe’s and claim it in the name of Spain. I’ll get to use a little cute conquering flag. Then we can round up all the suburban shoppers and put them to work digging a moat around the store. Meanwhile, I will count my spoils of war, like the kale. To really get in the spirit of colonial holidays, I’ll need to take the land from a soccer mom played by Queen Latifah.

Me: I claim your house in the name of Spain! Give me the deed! Then afterwards, we’ll eat turkey.

Soccer Mom: Are you going to make my house payment?

Me: Um… no.

Soccer Mom: I didn’t think so. Now get your ass back there and make me a turkey diner.

Me: Yes Ma’am.

FBI One: We are playing Metallica but they seem to party harder.
FBI Two: Play Menudo
FBI One: That did it. They are setting fire to the compound.

After a bit of terrorizing the suburbanites with my cooking skills (by having a cold and not washing my hands – Mwhahaha!), the FBI will show up. They’ll use tactics like they did in Waco and play loud music.

FBI: We’ll play Rebecca Black for as long as it takes.

Me: You’re ruining it! Rebecca Black didn’t exist in colonial times.

After a while, the FBI will realize they don’t need weapons, music or anything to diffuse situations because they have Queen Latifah. Imagine if they had her during Waco:

Queen Latifah: Koresh, you get your ass out here right now before I really get angry!

Koresh comes out with his hands up.

Koresh: Yes Ma’am.

Never under estimate the power of a sassy black woman.

Or in Afghanistan: Bush and Queen Latifah stand in front of a cave.

Bush: Now, I don’t want my victory speech to be a little premature-

Queen Latifah: Move over whitey, Osama!  Get your ass out here, right now.

Osama Bin Laden: I don’t wanna!

Queen Latifah: Don’t make me repeat myself.

Osama Bin Laden: No!

Queen Latifah: You’re going to regret it if I have to come in there.

Osama Bin Laden: It says no girls aloud! Boy’s only.

Queen Latifah. That’s it. I am coming in after you.

Osama Bin Laden comes out with his hands up.

Osama Be Laden: Ok. Ok. I’m coming.

Luckily, before the FBI learns of Queen Latifah, I’ll sneak out the back during the night with  all the gold wrapped chocolate bars. While I am running across the river to escape the feds, the weight of my own greed will cause me to sink just like the Spanish when they looted the Aztecs. However, the Rio Grande is more like the Rio Puddle and I’ll have time to muse on the true meaning of Thanksgiving whilst laying on a sandbar before the FBI arrests me:

A lot of crap happened in the past, but we seem to have it pretty good now by comparison. We should honor the hardships of our ancestors so we can be thankful for what we have today.  There is an FBI agent standing on my testicles.

Advertisements

12 Awful Halloween Theme Parties

Liven up those cliches so with a whole new tradition!

Halloween is a great way to let loose and dress like you normally wouldn’t in real life. So why take it to such an extreme that your friends never talk to you again? Here are some ways to terrify guests of your party this Halloween.

1. Ku Klux Kegger – Racially motivated hate crimes won’t be the story to tell after this party.

2. Mathenanny – A hootenanny is a party of musicians. Why not a party of solving complex differential equations?

3. Boxing Retirement Home Social – Start a Fight Club with your elderly friends. Remember the rule about having to fight on their first time?

4. Used Gym Sock Hop – The guests have to wear them… no exceptions.

5. Exchange Urine Jars with a Hobo Party – Nothing says party like hobo urine.

6. Dancing with the Stars’… dead bodies… except no joke. See who freaks out first when they realize – it’s not make-up.

7.  Litigation Luau – Create a bunch of unsafe party conditions and invite civil lawyers.

8. Free Meth Fiesta – Add more spice to any social occasion with tweaking meth addicts.

9. Binder of Women Binge – Yep…

10. Boy Band Blowout – Invite every thirteen-year-old girl over then tell them the latest boy band sensation of the week died in a plane crash. Invent beverages from their tears.

11. Cary Elwes Carnival – Trust me… the idea is more exciting than the party.

12. Bickering Sibling Ball – Make sure that you have a lot of party games and award unequal prizes.

The Class Divide

My wife and I bought a new car. My wife is especially pleased with this purchase because she doesn’t have to sit next to crazy homeless people on the bus anymore. I figure, if she really ever gets nostalgic for the good old days of riding the city bus, she could always pick up homeless people in the car. Don’t worry, I’ll be the nice guy and ride in the back.

Being a veteran of the city bus system myself, I totally understand creepy people on the bus phenomenon. The Albuquerque bus that goes from our house to the University of New Mexico passes through the rich part of town, the ghetto, the trendy rich part of town, the student apocalypse, and finally arriving at UNM within twenty minutes of when I entered the bus. Needless to say you get strange encounters on the bus.

For example, I was proffered rum and coke from a travel coffee mug on the bus once… at 9 am in the morning. A homeless man was very proud to show me his freshly dumpster dived fries and unopened condom (He also pointed to a store in the heart of the ghetto that he claims in sort of a conspiratorial tone “has soda pop for sale.”).  Meanwhile, on the very same bus line I over heard two young ladies discussing whether or not they would get a car that costs the same as my house for sweet sixteen.

Albuquerque is truly a strange mix of classes. While we were in college, my wife and I lived in a house in the ghetto. Our door was kicked in. Our bike that was chained to house was stolen while I was literally two feet away on the other side of a blinds shut window. We witnessed an accident where the driver tossed beer cans into the bushes than stumbled away. It was a neighborhood where Methlabs probably made neighborbood watches to watch for undercovers.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the park (not a very big park mind you) from our ghetto house, there was a mansion that looked like an ancient Greek temple. Another mansion was nestled far from the street in a property that took up a city block. I even swore that I saw one of our US Senators hanging outside one of the rich houses once (My wife and I usually walked the dog on the rich side).

Albuquerque is very strange in the sense that the class divide is less a divide and more  a mix. We do have our share of gated ridiculous communities. I remember meeting a guy, I knew in school and he invited us to his house in one of these communities. Let’s just say that he had an Andy Warhol original on the wall and his parents supposedly bought the house so he’d have a place to stay in college. Being a poor musician, writer, and filmmaker, why didn’t I stay in touch with a person that could probably bankroll a project with his pocket change? Meanwhile, in the same era of my life, I remember going to a party not to far away from the gated enclave where I peed in the bathtub because the sole toilet was monopolized by several puking and passed out people in an apartment that was discounted from welfare.

Albuquerque is truly an economic blend. The next time you go to Costco and buy large amounts of candy and try to resell them because you are part of a “youth organization” that is fundraising for a trip to Newcardonia make sure to have two signs. The poor sign and the rich sign. Either way, you’ll win.

Put the fun in fund!

Really put the “fun” in fundraising by knowing your target audience!

Digby Wolfe

My mentor, Digby Wolfe, passed away. I took his comedy writing class probably about twelve times in college. He awakened a powerful force in my life and that force was the desire to make people laugh. Thus I am here writing a comedy blog.

I started off as a computer science major in college and wandered into Digby’s class. I didn’t know that writing a couple of sketches would change my life. Digby told me in his office that success is not measured in being the brightest but being the person that stays the latest. I really took the idea to heart. Years later, I am still writing comedy. At the time of my MFA, I was the only one who started the program writing comedy and finished the program writing comedy. I feel it’s a part of who I am and Digby is part of my comedy.

Digby Wolfe

Infinite in both wisdom and jest

He always gave people opportunity in class. He made sure every voice was heard and gave an outlet to those that wouldn’t be taken seriously. Instead of questioning the validity or logistics of a Llama on stage, he would question on whether the Llama should be purple or blue. Whatever crazy, wild, and outlandish ideas would come from our heads would have a home in his classroom.

I remember when he asked me to help write a radio show of comedy sketches. I felt very blessed to be a part of a team of writers who would help create a piece of comedy that would be blasted into the airwaves and by proxy out into outerspace. Would an alien civilization pick up our show and make first contact with Earth? Digby would ask, “Yes, Aaron but could the Aliens have Llamas?”  But that’s what Digby did. He gave us confidence and encouraged the those that never really considered themselves normal. He made us leave the classroom and put our comedy out there.

That’s how I met many of my good friends. We left the classroom by creating a sketch comedy group called Eat, Drink, and Be Larry.  Digby will live on in a sense. Every one in Larry that shared laughter with the world also shared an essence of Digby. Digby is the grandfather of Hamlet The Vampire Slayer. Every time I sit down to write something funny, he will be there. And it’s not just me. At his memorial, there were slews of people that he touched. They will each pass on a part of Digby. In a sense, he is very alive and well. He will continue to inspire who ever his protégées inspire.

Anyone who receives the gift of laughter from me will only be doing so because of my inspiration from him. So am I not sad anyone, but blessed to be a part of something greater than myself. For there is nothing greater than the gift of inspiration and the feeling that you can succeed. That’s is what Digby has done. Digby Wolfe, I thank you.

And I leave this post with a line that Digby wrote. It’s probably not his most memorable. But I remember seeing it when I was a kid watching Nick @ Nite well past my bedtime. I remember quoting it to my friends. I remember how excited I was when he confirmed my question on whether he wrote that line. It’s a line that captures the abrupt change and excitement of comedy. It’s the spirit and the heart of comedy for me.

A German WWII soldier climbs out of the bushes.

German Solider: Very interesting… but stupid.

Moving Day

I helped move Babcia (Polish for grandmother) out of the old folks home yesterday. She will be living with my aunt in Colorado. While we were taking some items out to the parking lot, my wife, Uncle, and I saw a Chihuahua running around the parking lot yipping at us. This parking lot had desert behind it so the dog could wander off. The process of attempting to catch it went like this:

Chihuahua: Hey you! Buddy! Don’t you try nothing! I’ll kick your ass!

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: You better not mess with me! I know karate!

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: Look dude, I’m the size of a German Shepard. I will end you.

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: It’s on! Bring on the pain!

Not wanting the dog to bolt into the desert, I changed tactic and my wife suggested I tell the front desk about the dog. It just so happens that the resident that owns the dog was also at the front desk. He was an old man with a walker, slacks, button up shirt and suspenders. He told us he’ll take care of it and that was the end of it.

Later on, I saw another old guy who was dressed exactly like the one with the dog. I really did mistake him for the one with the dog. Here is how the interaction went:

Aaron: Did you find your dog?

Old Guy 2: Nope, I put him down a few years ago.

Awkward… slowly… creep… away…

Jim Bob’s Methods for a Better Healthier You

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and I got some more health tips for you. Fit and healthy lifestyles can be achieved by anyone. I’m sure health experts have a shit ton of advice. I have more shit tons of advice. And who do you trust? A scientist that has been studying their whole life? Locked up in some basement? That don’t sound healthy to me.

You can trust me, Jim Bob, cause I can sound authoritative and shit on the Internet. Those scientists like working and they make you do all this work too. They tell you to do all this exercise crap and we all know that you can get really trim playing World of Warcraft 24 hours a day. Have you ever seen a World of Warcraft barbarian that wasn’t totally buff? So that’s why you are going to buy my program called Jim Bob’s Method for a Better Healthier You. It costs $3,000 but that’s way better than dieing. And you sure as fuck will die. Life is 100% fatal. Any scientists will tell you that. So buy my program. Here are some tips you’ll get:

1. Stop taking Meth. Trust me. You are way healthier without Meth. A lot of people ask me, “Jim Bob, won’t Meth help me lose weight?” And I’ll be, “In the short term yeah, but you lose all your teeth. And you need those to block stools in bar fights. Trust me, I’m an expert.” There are way better ways for short term weight loss. They put this chemical in mouthwash that makes you vomit (My AA buddies and I figured that one out on our own). So just chug mouthwash after you eat an entire chocolate cake. You get all the cake taste, none of the calories, and minty fresh breath.

2. Drink lots and lots of beer. Alcohol is what they use to kill bacteria. Bacteria is what makes you sick. Drinking beer is like blasting the bacteria with a death ray. You’ll feel great after you drink it. But don’t let your boss find out. That’s why I had to go to AA in the first place. Before I was making millions giving health advice, I operated this giant saw in a factory. We all know that operating a giant saw with a cold is unsafe so I needed to kill it with beer. If my boss still wanted his arm, he should have asked before taking away my beer. It’s his dumb ass that got in front of that saw. Besides, I needed something to wash down the whiskey.

3. Throw shit at your family. When Bobby Joe is running through the house, I usually throw a bottle at him. Or when Jannie is crying up a storm during the game because she needs to be changed, I throw a pizza at her. You work your throwin’ muscles and you don’t need to leave the couch. It also doubles as quality time with your kids, sometimes Bobby Joe catches the beer bottle so it’s like I’m playing catch. But mostly, the bottles just clunk upside his head.

4. Pay attention to the food you eat. For example, if you see a piece of shit in your fast food burger. Take a picture. Then take another picture of you with Hemorrhagic E Coli (If the burger with shit don’t give it to you, then swim in cow manure until you get it or eat broccoli. That stuff is loaded with vitamin C which stands for Coli). With the pictures, you are sure to win all sorts of money from a lawsuit. With all that money, you’ll be the healthiest person on the planet. Money buys anything. Trust me, I was in Thailand… ANYTHING!

Be sure to give that money to me and I’ll share the rest of the health tips with you. For example, smoking helps get rid of unwanted body tissue. A machine can do what lungs and vocal chords can do so why carry all that extra weight? You’ll also learn why steak is better than chicken, and why fried chicken is better than steak. I’ll also throw in my phone number if you are hot. So buy my program and you’ll be like me. Except I’m rich.

Jeepers, It’s The Cops!

I felt like I was in a 1940’s gangster flick:

Me: You’ll never catch me coppers! I ain’t coming out alive!

Cop: That’s not a gun sir.

Me: It’s a baseball bat!

Cop: It’s a tea cup.

Me: I’ll burn you!

Cop: The tea looks lukewarm.

Me: I might short out your radio. Huh? Ever think of that?

Cop: Get on the ground sir.

But seriously, the cops really did enter my house last Friday. The dramatization above was merely the figment of an over active imagination. The police at my door was an interaction of shock, surprise, and feeling rather silly. My wife and I were watching the British version of Being Human while sipping on some tea when the doorbell frantically rang. I opened the door and Albuquerque Police Department’s finest was standing off to the side in the shadows (the way they stand when they expect the door to burst open guns a blazing).

Freak Out!

This sums up my reaction. Or a special day in the park with a sack lunch. I'm not sure which.

The police officer steps into the light and I realize that it’s not a home invasion. He tells me that they received a call about someone vomiting blood at my residence and asks if his partner and him can come in. I invite them in. With all the vampire shows I watch, you figure I should have asked for some ID first. As my wife points out, they could have been home invaders dressed as the cops. Lesson learned. I’ll be asking for ID in the future.

So they turn out not be home invaders or vampires but really cops. They ask me if anyone else is home and I tell him, “My wife.” At which point my wife comes into the living room holding the dog. Keep in mind this is the dog that furiously barks at anyone who even thinks about walking down the sidewalk. Now that strangers are in the house, he is quaking in his mom’s arms. Yes, he is such a cute fuzzy fierce little warrior.

They ask my wife, “Are you vomiting blood?” She tells them no and then he asks to look through the rest of the house. Luckily enough, I decided to stop growing opium, freed the human trafficking victims, and took down the meth lab that morning. His partner, who seemed like a rookie, stood there awkwardly after checking the coat closet. Because you know, when someone vomits blood at my house, I put them in the coat closet. It keeps the room clean. After checking the house, they find no one (Though that would be freaky if they did). Embarrassed by the situation, they radio in the error talking in police code and leave us to our tea.

Seriously though, I didn’t mind what happened. If someone really was vomiting blood, I really would want them to come in and check it out. They were just doing their job and they didn’t break down the door or anything. The weird part is this is the second false alarm called to my house. The fire department came a month or two ago looking for a fire that wasn’t at my house. Although when someone rings the doorbell, I usually don’t answer it. Personally, I hate talking to door to door solicitors. Glad that I decided to answer it or the night would have been very different.  Though I should have offered them some tea. I can picture it now: the four of us sipping tea while watching a show about a vampire, werewolf, and ghost roommates.