For my loyal readers (all three of them), you may remember the time I tried to squeeze every last dime from you with under designed and over priced t-shirts. I realize the error of my ways. I need to sell you under designed and over priced t-shirts which sole purpose is promoting my website. What better way to celebrate consumerism than by paying for gear that is making someone else lots of money? Why drink merely Budweiser when you can wear the hat and t-shirt combo!

Normally, when a company wants to promote their product, they have to pay the billboard company, the Google ad space, the television studio, etc. However, when our bodies are involved, we pay the company for the privilege of advertising their product. If Pepsi wanted to paint my house for the Crystal Pepsi comeback (destined for success), they would pay me. However, with objects that cover my personal regions, I must pay them. To buy a pair of Pepsi shorts, all I need is a credit card… That’s brilliant! Where do I sign up!

Imagine how much money I would make advertising on personal regions. The truth of humanity is people like to look at personal regions. There are slews of websites dedicated to private area viewing. If I can find some way for private area exhibitioners to pay me for putting an advertisement in their bathing suit area, I would get richer than a Gold Clad TV Evangelist running a Ponzi Scheme from a Casino.

My ascent into wealth, power, and possibly the entire signed Eclipse action figure collection, will be short lived. Because once the major branding companies find out about my personal region advertisements, they’ll come out with their own. The Pepsi Penis will no longer be merely a dream but a reality! Soon everyday folk, not only the professionals, will advertise on their body. We may as well pay the companies for a tattoo on our forehead. Before you get the tattoo please pay me and use the name of my website. Meanwhile Edward, Bella, and I will have a tea party.

Picture me with an Edward and Bella doll sipping on tea…

Me: How was your day Eddie, my dear… Oh, did the did nasty werewolf bite you… poor…poor darling. Bella… fetch me a hot bowl of water and my smelling salts.

In the age of Corona slippers, Corona visors, and Corona fanny packs, tattoos are really the only cool way left to use the body for advertising. Why pay for the shirt when you can tattoo the logo directly on your body? The only problem may be that Coca-Cola may sue you when you get a tattoo from Rex. After all Rex is not a authorized Coca-Cola tattoo artist, and how did you meet this Rex anyway? You should have went to a tattoo parlor! At least they are safe and clean whereas I don’t trust Rex’s pen knife… I don’t care that the tattoo was half priced…  So what if Judge Judy decided in your favor because the Coca was spelled Coco… She is probably right, you might have an infectious disease.

In conclusion, before you buy a major brand t-shirt, buy my t-shirt instead (If you are really adventurous, I also have an underwear line). You will have the satisfaction of helping the little guy reenact Pride and Prejudice with Eclipse dolls.

Bella: Oh, Mr. Edward Darcy! Your pride gets in the way.

Edward: I hold your prejudice towards sparkly vampires with disdain.