7 Tips For Applying to College

Hands to yourself buddy!

We love diversity! Unless you’re gay. Just where is the other hand of that blonde surfer dude anyway?

1. IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO START YOUR COLLEGE SEARCH – If you want to get in a good school, you have to start thinking about it during at least your third cell-division during your conception. By the time you get to the fourth cell-division, schools like MIT and Harvard will have the admission team call you:

MIT Admissions Rep: Hi Jenny, this is MIT. We are calling because we have some good news.

Jenny: Yes! What is it?

MIT Admissions Rep: Just Kidding. You Suck!

Jenny: Hey! I was planning to go to MIT since birth!

MIT Admission Rep: Join the long line to be a Walgreens stocking clerk. Our students have been planning since the first cell-division.

Jenny: This is terrible.

MIT Admission Rep: When you are burnt out from working three jobs you hate to live a middle class lifestyle… Just remember, you could have been somebody if you only had a little foresight

Jenny: I should have listened to my in-womb guidance consoler!

What's he hiding under the desk?

Now give me a little spin. Let me see that butt.

2. WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR – When your guidance counselor has requests like “show a little more skin” or “a young subtle youth as yourself will be successful with a little experience from an older gentleman such as myself”, it’s not weird at all. Most guidance counselors are hired for their extreme creepiness factor. That’s why high school students never see them.

High School Boy: I spend most of my time thinking about my future. I really don’t like thinking about sex at all.

Guidance Counselor: It’s ok to think about sex. You can tell me all those thoughts roaming around. Just don’t look me up in the sex offender database.

High School Boy: Jeepers! You are creepy mister. I’ve never even heard of sex before today. Or drugs.

Guidance Counselor: I got some weed in the office.

High School Boy: Zowie. You sure know how to get a person to think about his future.

Guidance Counselor: They kicked me out of being a health teacher you know…

3. EXPLORE MAJORS THAT MATCH YOUR SKILLS AND INTERESTS – Since the last sketch was unrealistic because most teenagers are interested in pretty much sex and/or drugs. Teens have a limited set of major choices. Botany is a good major for those with the softer drugs and Chemistry for the harder ones. For those looking for sex, any major will do. Graduate students are always willing to exchange grades for sexual favors.

Hot Student: If we have sex, will you give me an A?

Graduate Student: No

The new face of student loan debt control

Do you know how much we owe in student loans? This is the only way to realistically pay them off.

4. DON’T RULE OUT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF COST – Most people think that school costs too much. But there are always ways to pay for school. You can pay for school like most people by robbing banks, whoring yourself, selling meth, and even kidnapping high profile people for ransom money.

Modified Voice: If you want to see MC Hammer alive, please deposit $2 million in cash.

Hammer Family: Hahaha! He has like $2 in his bank account.

Modified Voice: Then how about Mike Tyson!

Hammer Family: You’ll get some pocket change

Modified Voice: Donald Trump? He is doing really well for himself.

Hammer Family: He’s reality show whore. He’s dancing like a monkey for the network execs. He probably makes as much money as a rock star from the sixties.

Ringo Starr: I think I got a pen with my name on it from the first four Beatle albums.

 5. PRIORITIZE THE FACTORS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY – This one is really easy because college chicks and dudes are pretty much way hot no matter where you go. So the factor you’ll need to research is the access to drugs and alcohol. Usually, you’ll want to avoid places like “dry” because they don’t allow alcohol on campus. Unless you are looking for crazy drugs like injecting eightballs into your corneas, than you probably want “dry” campuses. Usually, the sheltered ones go off the deep end when they are exposed to the world.

Missionary: I am here to speak with you about god.

Dude: Do you want heroin?

Missionary: My mom always said I was a hero.

Dude: Welcome to Heaven on Earth…

Missionary steps into the house. Five hours later… Missionary is naked, in a fetal-position, and crying. Dude strokes his head.

Missionary: My mother was wrong…

Dude: Shhh…. shhh… the first step is acceptance.

Do students really study like this?

So we’ll place shooters: here, here, and here. Tammy you got the pipe bomb?

6. VISIT AS MANY UNIVERSITIES AS POSSIBLE – You want to make sure to visit colleges because you want to check out the bathrooms. Sketchy bathrooms equals sketchy college. You never see people taking craps in college brochures, yet you’ll have to take a shit at least once a day at the college. And being a person who was propositioned for gay sex in a college bathroom, you’ll want to know (so you can have that gay sex if you swing that way). Lucky for me, I was pretty clueless.

I was sitting on the toilet and this hand comes from under the stall. It was three fingers facing up. I later discovered from a gay buddy of mine that the hand signal was an old eighties “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” hand gesture.

Me: Do you need toilet paper?

No response. So I thought maybe he is a deaf mute. And deaf mutes need toilet paper too sometimes. So I took a giant wad of toilet paper and put it in his hand.

7. THINK QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY – This is probably the best advice for college. Crappy cheap beer and wine will give you massive hangovers the next day. You want to pay a little more so you don’t feel like shit the next day. Sulfates will kill your head. So when you apply to college, make sure the nearest liquor store has top shelf stuff. If it’s a 7-11 full of crappy beer, you’re going to spend a lot of your college experience hung-over. Unless you do too much drugs, than you’ll be crazy and homeless.

Missionary: I am one with the universe, man. All the acid…

Me: The blog post is over. You can go home.

Missionary: Oh… when do we get paid?

Me: I don’t get paid for writing it. Hell, I can’t even afford to hire actors to act out the sketches. Ringo Starr didn’t even get paid!

Ringo Starr: “Can’t Buy Me Love” can’t buy me anything!

Missionary: But I should get something!

Me: My heart felt gratitude for a job well done?

Wal-Mart Executive: Yes… a job well done… That should be employees’ motivation to work. We shouldn’t even have to pay them at all. We have to make money some how. My $30 million salary barely keeps up the rent on my castle. Poor people just don’t know how hard it is to be rich. Maybe I’ll cut paying employees all together and give them stickers to show what a good job they’ve been doing!

5 Back-to-School Saving Tips

Don't try this at home!

Pictured: $300 worth of supplies. As if the little shits don’t already cost enough. The lack of funding for schools is passed onto the parents.

It’s back-to-school time. Here are some ways to save:

1. Steal from a homeless guy – It’s much easier than you think. Buy them booze. Wait for them to pass out. And steal their backpack. There’s got to be pretty cool stuff in the backpack. After all, the backpack is only thing they own. If you could only own one backpack full of stuff wouldn’t be your best stuff ever! At the very least, you’ll get a backpack for your kid.

2. Sell Meth – I know what you are thinking. “But Aaron, I’ll snort too much.” Take it from me, I live in the same city where Breaking Bad was filmed, never use the product yourself. Snort cocaine instead. That’s what successful people did in the eighties. You want to be successful? Right? The best part is your kids will see your success and want to be just like you. And think of all the potential new clients you’ll get on career day at your kids school!

3. Reverse Donate – Go to one of those places that collects shit for orphans and say, “Look at all this stuff I have to donate. NOT!” And grab stuff off their table and run. You can also do this for Toys for Tots, church collection baskets, or just about any charity. Except blood drives. That’s kind of weird.

4. Auction One Child – Science experiments, human trafficking, rich oil barons, and the Tea Party (for ritual sacrifice) all need children. That’s why you have more than one kid. And think of the discipline opportunities. “You cut that out Billy or you’ll be sold off like your brother.”

5. Mug Other Children – Kids won’t put up a fight for their school supplies. If a teacher catches you, just tell them that the kid you were mugging was taking the school supplies from your child. Who are they going to believe a kid or you? Don’t answer that.

Therapy in Prison (Not The Rapey)

A Poison Concert...

Chug! Chug! Chug! Suicide frats have difficulty finding new pledges.

I am not really a vengeful person. I don’t really see the point of punishing criminals. I am not saying we should hand out some “Get Out of Jail Free” cards:

Parole Officer: You’ve stabbed thirteen inmates, run the in-house drug smuggling, and raped 53 including the warden. What makes you think you’ll ever see the light of day?

Prisoner: I got this!

Pulls out a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

Parole Officer: Damn, lucky draw. You can leave.

Prisoner: Awesome! Peace, bitches!

Prisoner leaves then comes back.

Prisoner: Before I go. Can I get a “Get Out of a Murder Rap Free” card?

Parole Officer: No.

Prisoner: But Zimmerman got one!

I think people should go to prison if they commit a crime but I really don’t think the punishment based prison system works. The prison system is this system that takes a bunch of people with a predisposition to violence and puts them in situations were more violence is the only way to survive. When I think about the penal system, violence is really never a good solution to curb violent behavior. I will grant that there are some situations were violence is the only option. If aliens were to invade, than we would need a resistance group, preferably violent.

A group of people line up at a table that reads: Alien Killas Auditions TodayA man walks up to the table. A grizzled resistance fighter eyes him.

Fighter: Welcome to the tryouts. What makes you think that you can be a resistance fighter?

Man: I can kick ass and take names. Watch.

Man kicks the person behind him in the ass.

Dude: Hey!

Man: What’s your name?

Dude: Larry

Man: Larry… the dude’s whose ass whom I kicked is named Larry.

Um guys... will you please stop? Guys... I said please...

You missed… The lobbiest are across the street!

But other than self defense, I really don’t see the point of using violence to solve more violence. Some people seem to take pleasure in the thought that child molesters are being butt raped for cigarettes in prison but I really don’t think revenge is the best way to deal with prisoners.  Personally, I think child molesters should be put in therapy because there is obliviously something wrong with them. But then again, I’m not really a vengeful person. My middle school conflicts were solved with words (usually witty insults for a middle schooler-like proving those that smelled farts must obviously be the person who farted), and drafting the assistance of others (such as a brother with martial arts training-two grades higher than me). No wonder I became a writer-always ready with the verbal punch.

While I do think there is a need to keep prisoners away from society, I think it should be more therapy than a revenge based system.  So rather than butt raping, why not force them to go through mental health sessions? Some countries such as Norway have reformed the prison system to be more mental health care facilities over prisons. They look like day spas compared to our prison. And contrary to popular belief, they have reduced the repeat offender rate of their criminal element leaps and bounds over our repeat offender rate in the States. The reason why the therapy approach works is rather than animalize and dehumanize the person, they try to fix them.

So punishment may make us feel good in America. But our prisons are like career colleges for criminals. They just learn to be better criminals. Punishment isn’t really a good deterrent for criminals. If prisons being a hellhole was a deterrent, than criminals would need planning for the future skills. Most criminals don’t really plan for the future, hence why they are criminals.

The more you know...

We are more weirded out if you don’t have criminal record.

A criminal pulls a gun on a bank clerk.

Criminal: Give me all your money so I can pay tuition for my Associates Degree.

The clerk begins to fill a bag full of money.

Clerk: Man, those student loans are killer.

Criminal: Tell me about it. If you want to boost the economy, just forgive student loans!

Clerk: I know. I could buy a house with the money I use for student loan payments… What’s your degree in?

Criminal: Criminal Justice.

Clerk: Ironic.

Criminal: I know.

Therapy in Prison should be deterrent enough. Imagine giant dudes, the kind with five hundred tattoos who have killed at least three people by stabbing them once for every tattoo, hugging and talking about their feelings.

Therapist: Today, we are going to draw the animal that represents you.

The inmates begin to draw. The therapist walks around.

Therapist: Tiger, good Tyrone! Bear, great job Rex! Shark, super job Ted…. A… um… That’s nice Dagger, that’s a… um…

Ted: It’s a rabbit with rabies or something?

Dagger: Don’t you ever say that! It’s Pikachu.

Rex: What’s a Pikachu? A Virus?

Dagger (upset): Pikachu does not have rabies.

Therapist: It’s ok. Calm down, Dagger.

Dagger: He’s better than all of you! I will cut you!

Therapist: Dagger, you know what we’ve said about cutting. Now tell me about this Pikachu.

Dagger: Fine. He’s a Pokémon and he fights for his friends.

Therapist: Do you fight for your friends, Dagger?

Dagger (cries): No, I rape them!

Tyrone: I know, man. My ass is still sore!

Therapist: Well, maybe you can think about how you can be more like Pikachu. What would Pikachu do?

Years later…. Dagger is on the outside. He is reformed. He ordering a hamburger at a fast food place dressed in full Pikachu costume.

Dagger: Pika! Pika!

Employee: I’m sorry sir but I don’t understand.

Dagger: Pika! Pika! Pikachu!

Employee: You’ll have to pick something off the menu.

Dagger: Pika!

Manager: Is there a problem here? What is that? Is it like a rabid rabbit or something?

Dagger: Don’t you say anything bad about Pikachu.

Dagger stabs the manager 500 times.

Dagger: Oops.

A punishment based prison system feels like institutionalized revenge. There may be a temporary release of tension when people get revenge but overall the victims still feel like shit the long-run because they’ve been victimized. Then to add insult to injury, in a punishment based penal system, the prisoners have a higher likelihood of victimizing again.  I think Shakespeare really figured out that vengeance really only leads to the everyone dies and no one is satisfied ending. For example, I saw the play Hamlet on one of those scrambled television channels where if you squint really hard, you may see a boob but you can hear the sound. The characters were way too focused on revenge in Hamlet. Everyone had this orgy at the end and killed each other. Poor Horatio was left wacking himself until Fortinbras came in and showed Horatio why they call him “Fortune Bra”.

My Biggest Loser Moment (Without Cake)

Future Owner of Ameria

Then you take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Squeeze them like this. I’ll use real testicles after I made my billions.

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl inventing a flashlight powered by the heat from your body. Back when I was 15, I was more worried about finding a hit of acid or if this really cute girl who was way out of my league liked me. Of course looking back at those years, I know that the girl really didn’t know that I existed but with the acid, I didn’t really care that she didn’t know that I existed because walking up a three foot hill in the desert was a mind blowing mystical experience. It’s like an epic journey with Frodo up mount doom man.

I’m pretty well aware of the reasons why I didn’t get the ladies in high school so shut up. But suffice to say, I feel like my high school time was pretty much wasted and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Inventing a flashlight is going to make this girl millions or at the very least land a super sweet research job or scholarship money. I don’t think my trek up the hill in the desert behind my house while baked on acid would have done the same thing for me (though it may certainly made me feel like I was).

The phrase, “being young is wasted on the youth” is more or less the problem with the educational system. I was extremely lucky to be in high school when Yahoo was a collection of some dude’s favorite places. This was before eBay and just about every major web platform. Instead of encouraging us to generate new ideas, my educational system really inspired me to see the futility in it all. The school didn’t care, they cared more about getting you to not shoot-up in class than provide education and more importantly provide planning skills for the future. And since the public education system didn’t care, I didn’t either.

Just send her to troubled high schools

My face is every pharmacy in America! What have you done?

I completely subscribed to the apathy that stifled my generation. I subscribed to it so much that I sort of half-assed my way through college when I came to my biggest loser moment. And no it wasn’t because I was eating gobs of cake while Jillian yelled in my ear. I was actually working one hour photo, sort of in-between a degree in theatre and a life of minimum wage hell. The smartest person I knew in high school came to get some photographs and she recognized me.

“Aaron? Is that you?” She said a statement that if one girl said to me in high school I probably would have jizzed in my pants but in loser college days made me actually have to think. I wasn’t quite sure who it was yet.

I was working in a job were it was customary not to think so I delayed with the “Hi. How are you?” generic response.

“Good!” She said.

“What have you been up to?” I said trying to tease out more information so I could think of her name.

“I’m just graduating from MIT. I own my own business but I’m thinking about going back to get another Masters.” She said. It was enough for me to remember her name and that she was the smartest person I knew in high school. It was also enough to make me realize the amount of nothing I’ve done with myself. That’s also when I realized the apathy was bullshit. I wasn’t achieving my goals because I didn’t strive for them. She had the same educational foundations as me. Sure, the school didn’t help but I didn’t help myself. I’m not saying that schools shouldn’t help because if they did, more people would plan for the future and succeed. But I should share some accountability for success as well.

That’s when I went into business for myself, making super zombies. My zombies were way better because they were imbued with intelligence (which for a zombie is slightly upbove your average Jersey Shore person). Unfortunately, the world domination plan fell through because now the zombies are all addicted to Dancing with the Stars and other reality TV. So I’m back to being a loser and writing blogs.

15 Facebook Buttons You Won’t See Soon

FACE! Book?

For a tool designed to simplify people’s lives, it seems to complicate it.

Facebook really needs a more realistic approach to their design. Each time they reinvent the interface, they always miss out on a chance to really have it more fully compatible for people’s lives. Here are a few buttons Facebook lacks for a truly more pragmatic social experience:

1. Having an Affair With – You have the married and in a relationship buttons but lack the affair button. I don’t think Facebook adequately represents some people’s social lives without one!

2. Also Married To – Polygamist relationships can be really rocky when they have to choose just one wife for Facebook. There is enough jealousy without picking one to represent the marriage.

3. Meh – Why is it always in terms of like and dislike? Why not ambivalence? Wouldn’t you want a button to express your extreme disinterest into your peers day to day thoughts and activities.

4. Masterbating – Facebook encourages chatting by telling all your friends when you are online. But what if you are just cruising Facebook for masturbatory purposes? You really need a button to let all your friends know that you aren’t looking at your best friends hot cousin’s photo because you wanted to know how she spent her summer vacation.

5. Jailbait – Your best friend needs a way to politely remind you about the age of their hot cousin.

6. Drunk – Streams of depressing rants, embarrassing photos, and anything you need to disappear can go into a spam like folder and spare you and your friends the embarrassment of dealing with it.

7. Polite A.I. Response – Ever caught in an online conversation with someone who rarely seems to have a point, has plenty to say, and never understands that polite one or two word responses really mean, “I’d rather light fire to my eyeballs than continue this conversation.” Polite A.I. Response Button will save you the Lasik surgery.

8. Behavior Tags – Facebook seems to lack tags like asshole or leech. Why tag a photo with someone’s name when you can identify them with behavior everyone will recognize?

9. Blur Face – Once you join witness protection, your social networking days are over. Any mafia hit man can just cruise Facebook and find your face. Unless you blur it. Also helpful for parties you’d rather forget.

10. Ass Shove – For every poke, farm request, and help me make Zynga rich request, you have one convenient button to tell them where to shove it.

11.  Profile Picture Changer – Why go to all the trouble to think for yourself when you can just follow the crowd? When a social cause propagates through Facebook, why not just have Facebook use the most popular profile pic among your friends as your own? It will be even funnier if we all change our profile picture to monkey asses after the Picture Changer goes live.

12. Stupid – This button really has too many uses to mention but wouldn’t it be great if you could warn your friends when they post drunken party pictures the night before their DWI trial?

13. Idiot – Most idiots are completely unaware that crap like, “She should have been wearing a longer skirt” or “Gays really need to make a different lifestyle choice” are simply just crap. So the idiot button would change whatever they post to “blah blah blah blah” or fart noises if there is audio. It will let those looking for an intelligent discussion have a chance to ignore the bullshit.

14. Validate Me – Some friends seek approval for their existence by irritating friends with all the drama they could probably avoid if they stop seeking it out. The Validate Me button will cut the engagement time required for validating their existence.

15. Vomited in My Mouth – I think everyone could use a “I just vomited in my mouth” button every once in a while.