Sperm Donor for a Cosmic Paradox – Sample

The DNA test was a mistake. An email appeared in my inbox one Wednesday morning. I was at work with nothing to do. Facebook status updates, The Huffington Post, and The Onion didn’t seem to change much after I hit the refresh button for the seventh time, so when the email about tracing my genetic ancestry hit my inbox, I clicked on the link. I almost never click on the link. My email was cluttered with offers, deals, and promotions and I deleted them. The offer was simple. I’d pay a company a flat rate. They would send me a kit to collect samples of my DNA and I would mail it off. They would run some tests, and report my genetic history down to the village where my distant relatives farmed the land to prepare for the harsh European winters.

The day the test was scheduled to arrive was in the thick of winter. A company representative wanted to schedule a time to speak with me about the results of the test. I told him to come by after work. The fee I paid for the test didn’t seem like it merited an in-person visit. I was also pretty sure they would just send me a package with the results. But I didn’t really question it because I really didn’t remember what the paperwork said. When I got home, there was a squat pudgy man with glasses sitting in a black car. He stumbled out of his car before I was halfway to my door. He exuded a nervous energy.

“Mr. Ruttle.” He shoved his hand in my face. His face was red from the freezing air, and I could see his breath form steam. I was holding a messenger bag in one hand and an empty lunch container in the other. After an awkward moment of shifting my items in my hands to accommodate a handshake, he launched into some scientific chatter that went over my head. He produced some documents with graphs I couldn’t identify.

“Slow down,” I said. “Come inside and we can talk.”

I let him into my small nine hundred square foot house. The living room consisted of two mismatched couches I found on the roadside with the words “free” taped to the side, a coffee table cluttered with empty beer bottles and fast food wrappers, and a Craigslist purchased entertainment center. The TV was the old square variety that weighed a ton. The game station was a first generation Xbox that I took with me from my parents’ house. I never upgraded because the games were insanely cheap for the old systems. Most used game stores tried hard to get rid of the old games. The clerks would save the choice ones for me. I swept the coffee table clear in one swoop, and all the trash crashed into a bag I set down to collect the trash.

“You want a beer?” I said as I dragged the trash bag into the tiny kitchen. My ex-girlfriend used to complain about the size of the kitchen, and she always fantasized about what life would be like with a larger kitchen. I assumed she got her larger kitchen because I hadn’t talked to her in a year. The fridge had beer, leftovers, and condiments. I pulled two bottles from the twelve-pack and popped the tops. I tossed the caps into a small pile that had accumulated on the countertop.

“No thank you,” the man said as I wandered back into the living room with the beers.

“More for me,” I said and set one on the coffee table and sipped from the other. “Now, let’s start with your name.”

“Oh,” the man seemed taken aback, “Doctor Leonard Schuasenburg but you may call me Len.”

“Call me Jed,” I informed him. My name was technically Earl James Ray Ruttle III but most people called me Jed. It was a nickname from high school that seemed to stick. The only person who refused to call me Jed was my mother and my ex-girlfriend. They insisted on James because my father was the Earl of the family. We had come from a long line of Iowa farmers until the corn conglomerates swept into the country buying up farms. My father used the money from the farm to buy out a hardware store in Des Moines. After my father died, my mom closed the store. Large chain stores killed the business years back but father refused to be run out of a second business. What money was left from the business bought my mom a tiny condo, and she worked part time as an educational assistant. My older brother was practicing law in Boston, and my older sister was off in some other country living in a hut and working for the Peace Corp. That left me to stay in Des Moines to look after my mom.

“Mr. Rut… Jed.” Leonard launched into an explanation. He pulled out the same confusing paperwork that he tried to shove in my face earlier. It didn’t make sense then and certainly didn’t make sense now. “The autosomal and mitochondrial test both…”

“Whoa! Whoa! Doc, in English.”

“I am speaking English.”

“Plain English.”

“You are your mother’s grandfather.”

Download the Kindle Edition here.

7 Reasons to Support the Government Shutdown

Judge Dredd will be running for office soon...

When I said shut it all down, I was meaning something different…

People are going crazy about the government shut down like it will be a bad thing but I always like to stay positive. So here are some good things about the government shut down:

1. All those families with seventeen children who use up food stamps will just die off when their EBT cards fail. They may not eat for a whole month. I am pretty sure if you don’t feed people for a month, they’ll die. So that means we’ll save a whole bunch of money when all the food stamp people die out. Of course, they could always eat their children during the shut down. But at any rate, it will be less mouths to feed. And less mouths to feed equals savings.

2. Those silly government organizations like the forestry service and the national parks will shut down. It’s about time we get some fracking and some civilization out in those forest places. It’s so hard to find a McDonald’s in Yosemite.  It’s no wonder why hikers die, I bet they wouldn’t die as much if they had access to a Starbucks for every mile of trailhead.

You want to see this guys boobs?

Billion dollar research for this guy’s boobs.

3. Finally, an excuse to bury those stupid science places like NASA and Los Alamos. They spend way too much money on things that may not even exist like dark matter and Higgs bosoms. Higgs is an old dude and his breasts are probably not that attractive. The Large Hadron Collider cost a billion dollars to find the Higgs Bosom. We spent all this money on researching a dude’s boobs? Come on! I could find much cheaper boobs in a porno shop!

4. We can totally shut down the education department. People can attend Full Sail University instead of education. All you need is a degree in chemistry. Then you can figure out how to make the blue Meth. Hell, you probably don’t even need a degree in chemistry, you can just watch Breaking Bad on Netflix. What you really need is a mastery of body chemistry from all the chicks that will be up on you when you get the bling after the blue Meth sales start rolling in. Anyone have a RV for sale?

5. Hopefully, they’ll shut down the police departments too. Then the sales from number 4 will really start rolling in. We can switch to the honor based system of policing. So when serial killers go on rampages, we’ll trust that they will turn themselves in. And we can use the leftover food stamps from the people who ate their children as incentive. I’m sure all the criminals will turn themselves in when they are offered free food stamps.

6. If we are getting rid of police, we may as well shut down all emergency services. The more buildings that burn down, people with medical problems who die, and so forth will lighten the burden on the already strained system. With all the fires and chaos, we should shave most of our population who are on disability. Anyone who’s left won’t be able to survive against roaming street gangs.

7. With the government shut down and most of the population dead, we totally won’t have regulation on our cars. So we can rig them up Mad Max style. Crazy people with mohawks can jump from moving vehicles to moving vehicles in post apocalyptic fist fights with no government telling them what to do! I bet Tina Turner will still rule Bartertown if we ask her nicely. I call dibs on the midget riding the giant gimp.

The new face of congress.

A much more cost effective form of government.

Where’s the Third Fucking Option?

Why wasn't he shot sooner on a base full of people trained with guns?

Crazed BM Gun Man ISO of SWM crazy chick, likes long walks on the beach, and mass murder, Be my Bonnie to my Clyde

I am finally going to weigh in on gun control. Generally speaking, I try to stay away from a topic until I have a solid opinion. When I think about the polarized options, each are absurd. Hippy wonderland can’t exist because one power hungry dude with a chain gun will end the hippy love fest.

Hippy: Guns are illegal! Time to celebrate with cheesecake!

Hippy is about to eat some cheesecake.

Dude with Chain Gun: Die hippy scum!

Hippy: But that’s illegal. You can’t do that!

Dude with Chain Gun: I make the rules now! I have the only gun. And my first rule is that I get the first bite of all dessert!

Hippy: Nooo! Why did I ban the guns!

But on the flip-side, guns really do not make the world a safer place:

Shopper is in a check out line at a grocery store.

Shopper: I have a coupon for the Cheez Whiz.

BLAM! An old lady behind him in line is shot.

Shopper: Sorry. My gun must of misfired. But it’s completely legal.

Old Lady: It’s ok dear.

BLAM! Shopper’s foot is shot off.

Shopper: Owww! Hey.

Old Lady: Sorry! Landed on my gun.

BLAM! The clerk shoots the Shopper in the stomach.

Clerk: Sorry, itchy trigger finger. Thought I was being robbed again.

Shopper: It’s your right as an American.

BLAM! Shopper is shot in the shoulder by a kid. A mother swipes the gun.

Mother: I told you not to go through daddy’s things! Sorry about that.

Shopper: It’s fine! I’ve been through worse.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A shooter kills everyone.

Shooter: A room full of guns and no one shoots me!

BLAM! The shooter dies.

Shopper: That’s why you should always carry a gun at all times, kids!

A audience full of kids cheers and shoots each other.

Shopper: Fuck…

We spend more on military than science, way more...

Why doesn’t this guy run for president? I’d vote for him.

If we can’t go to either extreme, than why not have a third option? Get rid of all lethal weapons. Before I cause a card carrying NRA member’s head to explode, hear me out. Why don’t we invest a metric shit ton (it’s European shit, American shit would be acts of congress) in development of non-lethal weaponry and eventually disarm the entire planet? We can make a missile that can fly through a building and kill one person in a cubical. But we can’t make the missile stun the same human being? We could make non-lethal weaponry with the same range and accuracy as anything we have today. Science is pretty awesome that way.

If we have a non-lethal weapon equivalent of everything on the market, then why not start using them over deadly ones? I’m not just isolating citizens, I am saying police, military, governments, and any other person who uses a weapon. There will still be people with the lethal variety out there but non-lethal will incapacitate a person just the same. I think the way to shape society is choosing the better path. We will probably never settle human conflict but what if people had to really deal with each other because killing each other wasn’t an option? What if war planes could drop bombs with a non-lethal pulse that could render an entire city unconscious instead of nuking it? Or a sniper could knock out a person 500 yards away? Or a solider could use the equivalent of a non-lethal machine gun?

Gunfire and sounds of war. A bloody and battered solider approaches his lieutenant.

Solider: There are insurgents on all sides! They are closing in!

Lieutenant: It’s cool bro.

Solider: Sir, with all due respect. Half the platoon is dead and you say, “It’s cool bro!”

Lieutenant: Yeah man. We got the a non-lethal weapon that’s the shit.

Lieutenant pulls out a giant joint the size of a Volkswagen.

Lieutenant: This is some grade A shit man…

Later… All the soldiers and insurgents are stoned.

Insurgent: Why were we fighting again?

Solider: I don’t know man… Anyone got some chips?

Imagine if lethal weapons weren’t so easy to access. The random people shooter couldn’t really go out in the “blaze of glory” if he was being shot with non-lethal rounds. A hunter could still peg a deer across the valley but they will have to slit the animal’s throat in it’s sleep after it’s hit with the non-lethal projectile (Manly men will use their teeth over a knife). And for anyone who believes we need lethal weapons to protect themselves from the government, we are pretty much screwed whether or not private citizens have guns. The government has planes, missiles, nukes, drones, and all sorts of advanced weaponry. A militia in the Texas hills really can’t compete. If the government really did want to target private citizens who possess ideological differences, then stockpiling guns won’t do anything against a drone, a smart missile, and solider sitting in his underwear thousands of miles from the strike zone. Private citizen militias are like ants stockpiling weapons to protect themselves from construction equipment. Now keep in mind, I’m not really advocating the removal of weapons because it’s impossible to get by with out them. I’m just simply expressing the need to improve the humanity in our weapons.

Except for the hardcore Harry Potter fans, he'll always be The Doctor.

Alas poor Yorick. They will remember me as The Doctor over Hamlet. Where be your gibes, your gambles. A Dalek costume… not funny!

I’m assuming emotions like revenge are one reason we don’t switch to non-lethal weapons. But if not killing a person-no matter how much they deserve it-means even one more person who didn’t deserve to die is alive, I think it’s worth not having revenge. I understand revenge but it’s like any other emotion. People can learn to control their emotions. People can learn to deny instincts and emotion because life will be better for themselves or others. Alcoholics and Addicts train themselves to control their addiction. They will deny the emotional and instinctual state that put them there. So denying revenge by non-lethal weapons maybe counterintuitive for those that want it but we all don’t get want we want.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! I want him dead now!

Father: I know he killed One Direction but a person still deserves due process of law.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! That’s not fair!

Father: If it were up to me, I’d give him a medal of honor. At least now, I won’t have to hear you play that album over and over again.

13-Year-Old Girl: Daddy! You are so stupid and mean!

Father: I’m just kidding. Come on honey!

I’m assuming the other reason why we don’t switch is money. Companies make a lot of money selling guns. It’s pretty big business when we think about the shear amount of them on the planet. So in order to really give the manufacturers incentive, the government would have to step in with subsidies and so forth to make non-lethal very profitable until the industry takes hold. We don’t even have to take away lethal weapons in the beginning. Our military and police could lead by example. Our citizens could be  given tax breaks and discounts to switch.

I think the big problem with society is that we almost never see the third option and we fear trying things another way. A mass shooting happens and gun control gets very polarized. Why not try it a different way? It’s of my personal belief that if you could arm everyone with non-lethal weapons every bit as effective as the lethal counter parts, the world will be a better place. So why not take steps to make it happen? If we really want to change, I think we need more third options.

What Would the Aliens Think?

I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.

A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.

Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.

Your all-American super dad steps out.

Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.

A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.


All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.

Hostess: Say something.

Host: What?

Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!

Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?

The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.

Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.

Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.

Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.

Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!

Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.

Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.

Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?

Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.

Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!

Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.

Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.

Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.

All: Brandon Lee!

Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.

Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.

Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.

Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!

“You Are Here” and Billions of potentially habitable stars dodged that life bullet.

I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:

Or perhaps this:

Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.

Land of Quantum Entanglement

This is an example of alternate text and lazy blogging.

Thomas P. Chile (Virginia) discovered the chile pepper after making a Native American family disappear. He justified his actions by saying “They’ll have casinos one day.”

New Mexico asks an important question of all of us: Red or Green? The question is so important to New Mexicans, they’ve actually gone so far as to make the choice of red or green the actual state question. Unlike Arizona, where the state question is “Immigration papers?”

For those who live outside New Mexico, you are probably wondering red or green what? But most likely you are wondering, I wonder if the light speed barrier is nulled by spooky action at a distance and does it account for red shifted light-waves? And occasionally you wonder, did I leave the door unlocked? While very rarely you wonder, will the writer get on with it and make his damn point? The answer to red or green is chile (peppers not what a toothless guy named Tex would make the posse during the campfire scene). So what would you like with your food? Red or Green? The answer to the question is of course 42.

Most New Mexican transplants start with the reaction of green? I didn’t know chile could be green! Is that because spooky action at a distance brings out the possibility of parallel universes so ergo the laws of physics could be different thus the frequency of light-wavelengths that we classify as red are really green? And if that’s true, why are they using the ability to transport between universes for chile in restaurants? Or you could just be thinking, green chile? Must be mold.

Green chile is neither mold or a trans-universe warp experiment on unsuspecting restaurant guests, but in fact the most tasty form of chile in the history of ever. And for those of you who think red chile is the most tasty chile in the history of ever. Please review these facts:

It's good to be the king!

“Has anyone seen my pants?”

1. Aaron has taste buds.

2. King George II declared Aaron’s taste buds the arbiter of all that is tasty in 1732.

3. The British empire spanned the entire planet at the time so they pretty much knew what was good for the planet.

So that historic day when down like this:

Mother: My soup is the best! Isn’t that right Georgie Worgie?

George II: I’m King George II Ma! Sheesh!

Wife: My soup is way better! You tell her Georgie Pie.

George II: Can’t a guy just rule an empire with dignity! Fine, we will settle this once and for all. I declare that the taste buds of Aaron will be arbiter of all that is tasty, and he will be born in 1978!

Wife: But!

Mother: That’s not…

George II: Hey, I don’t make the rules, God tells me and I follow them. Until then, both your soups are good!

Adviser: Excuse me sir, we have the Rape the Local Culture Act we need signed into law.

George II: Excuse me ladies, I’ve got some ruling to do.

And if you don’t believe that green chile is the best, I make this simple challenge, eat every variety of chile on the planet. Drink a whole lot of laxatives. Have a whole bunch of frat boys chest bump each other and yell “Way to go bro! I can’t believe you did that!” Then later on, use your fraternity contacts to get a high paying job. Work your way up to CEO. Then I can black mail you for $20 by threatening to release photos of the “chile” incident back in college. I will be $20 richer. And if enough people do it, I’ll have my own pyramid scheme.

Me: Hi, I’m Aaron Frale from Ass Blastarinos.

Audience Member: Is this some sort exercise program?

Me: No really, but you will lose some weight!

Audience Member: So it’s a porno?

Me: A porno pyramid scheme… interesting…

Three weeks later…

The funny thing is I bet this porn actually exists.

“I want to suck your… Did you remember a condom? Can’t be too careful these days. I was tested last week. But rather than demand test papers, I figure we be safe and use condom.”

Me: Alright folks, so the porn industry makes a lot of money in sequels, The Life of Penis IV and Harry Squatter XIV, and so forth. Now it’s time for you to get a piece of that. You make the sequels to my film, and then you get three people to make sequels to your film and we all get rich.

Audience Member: What if I’m too ugly to be in porn?

Me: Porn is the great equalizer folks, no one is too ugly for it. No matter what strange deformity, you’ll probably find a porn for it.

Audience Member: What if my lower half is a squid?

Me: We have some anime for you.

So if you ever find yourself partaking in local New Mexican cuisine and you see a guy whose lower half is a squid, you are more than likely partaking in peyote. However, if you are partaking in the local flavor of New Mexico that doesn’t involve hallucinogenic drugs, and the server asks “red or green?” Say green. It’s yummy. Trust me, the squid guy told me so.