10 Uses for Halloween Makeup

This is what happens when you walk into a spider web.

I’m here about the job for Spider Queen. What do you mean it’s already filled?

Ever notice how those Halloween makeup kits give you enough makeup for the entire cast of Cats the musical? You are only going to use it for one night. So here are some post-Halloween makeup uses:

1. Rob a bank – Who doesn’t need extra holiday cash? And why do we have super villain teams who spend more time on their coordinated makeup than planning the robbery? Either way, you won’t have to tell Timmy he doesn’t get Christmas presents because you spent it all on Halloween candy this year.

2. Smear on face and take revenge – Every person who is out for revenge always seems to smear stuff on their face. Rumpelstiltskin smeared black claw marks. Rambo caked stuff on his face. Braveheart is a blue-faced killing machine. If you are going to go on some epic revenge quest, don’t forget the face paint.

3. Teach class – All you teacher’s out there who are bored, you have options that don’t involve cooking Meth. You can paint your face and take on a wacky personality. If the students reject the ploy, then pull out a gun and start acting really disturbed. That will get their attention and a learning student is one who is paying attention.

4. Wear black face – I know this is completely racist and offensive. But what if you really were black underneath the black face? That will get them thinking! Because obscure performance art always gets people thinking.

5. Wicked Witch of Savings and Loans – Let’s face it. Bankers really can’t have any fun. People take money way too seriously. What if you cackled loudly like a witch every time you denied a loan? That would add some spice to the workplace.

6. Data from Star Trek – Everyone will completely understand why you are socially awkward and lonely when you are dressed like Data. Most androids have trouble fitting into society norms, especially at Taco Bell. When you twitch your head and ask if the Baja Blast will cause problems with your circuitry, the clerk will totally know what you are going through because who hasn’t wanted to be an android traveling on a star ship in the distant future?

7. Tourist Information Guy – Who needs Siri or Google when Tourist Information Guy is on the job? Looking for a place to eat? Tourist Information Guy will save the day. Wondering when the museum will close? Tourist Information Guy has brochures! Smuggling a balloon of heroin in your butt? Tourist Information Guy isn’t really comfortable with this.

8. Hospital Creepy Guy – Walk around as the Grimm Reaper and point to random patients. Throw in a deep guttural “you!” for good measure. Insist you are only doing it to help patients come to terms with their own mortality. When they tell you the patient only had a skinned knee, tell them you never know when something will become infected.

9. Bowling Alley Goth – True Story: I was playing a Goth kid with face paint during a stage play. The cast decided to go bowling. The only bowling alley that was opened late night was the musty, old, wood-paneled, redneck singles club where a gun rack in the pickup would be a requirement for membership. I forgot to wash the makeup off and arrived about 15 minutes before the rest of the cast did.

10. Cultist Prankster – Join a cult. Then during the ritual sacrifice make farting noises. Insist to fellow cult members you are more of a self sexual abuser. Make punching and crying noises at night. Replace all doctrine documents with copies of The Secret. Tip off the FBI and plan a stand-off at Chuck E. Cheese.

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25 Reasons to Fire Your Therapist

Doesn't this violate patient confidentiality?

“I hold the pad like this to hide my boner.”

1. “Sounds like you have a sleep disorder. Better take this pill, chain yourself to the bed at night, and don’t forget to leave your home address with the receptionist.”

2. He follows up all his advice by yelling the word, “NOT!” For example, “It’s perfectly normal to be anxious, NOT!” or “You are feeling this way because of your parents divorce, NOT!”

3. His solution to every problem is joining the Marines. One day, you see him putting on his suit jacket and vest and there is a Marine uniform under it.

4. “The problem with your marriage is your wife doesn’t fuck you like she fucks me. Did I say that out loud?”

5. Offers to prescribe certain drugs if you split your stash with him.

6. “Thoughts of suicide? May I interest you in a Jihad I’ve been working on?”

7. He stares you down and quotes from Cool Hand Luke.

Metal Therapy!

Who needs therapy when you have rock!

8. You are struggling to grasp how all the Lemmy from Motorhead analogies fit into your life.

9. He is always swapping addictions, “Alcohol problem? Try gambling!”

10. “In times like these, you have to ask yourself What Would James Franco do? Would James Franco give up? WOULD HE? Nether should you!”

 11. Excessive farting… yep.

12. .”It’s ok to do everything god tells you. After all, god knows all. What are you doing with that gas can?”

13. Every conversation ends with him in tears talking about his issues.

14. Uses 2,000 year-old morality codes to give you advice about internet dating.

15. “Are you dead yet? I really need to beat Bill this month.”

16. The Ghostbusters quotes were amusing in the beginning but lost their luster when your emotional milestone was reduced to “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!”

17. Always laughs then says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Continue. I was thinking of last night’s Family Guy.”

18. “Can I take a picture for my spank bank? I have this thing about crying women…”

19. “No shit! Imagine that! I’m a shape-shifting serial killer too!”

20. You are checking in to the obsessive behavior clinic. The entire office is decked out in Star Trek gear. You come into his office and he is dressed as Deanna Troi.

21. Clown Therapy…

22. He somehow always uses Snoop Dogg lyrics during the session, “Your problem is that your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind. I’d suggest driving down the street, sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.”

23. He periodically looks up from his tablet exclaiming about a farm and/or dragon.

24. Suggests a LARPing group for an escape. You go to find out he’s the only member. Offers to do the sex scenes by phone.

25. Your therapist is really Obama in disguise “just checking on the citizens.”

8 Surefire Ways to Motivate Your Employees

Q - Albuquerque's Sci-Fi Name

Have you ever thought a dickhead boss was just Q fucking with you?

1. Implied Threats – Nothing gets them to work faster than veiled threats of disciplinary action. Here is a role play:

Employee: Boy howdy, I sure do love this Angry Birds.

Manager: It’d be a shame if someone’s house were burnt down because there were no complete spreadsheets.

Employee: You got it boss! I sure do love my record collection more than Angry Birds. It’d be a shame if they melted in the fire.

Manager: That’s right. And it doesn’t matter to me if your family is inside the house.

Employee: Jeepers, I had no idea my boss was such a wacko.

Manager: Only to dead beat layabouts.

Employee: You don’t have to worry about me. I am doing those spreadsheets right now.

Manager: Great, I’ll put the home made napalm away.

2. Give unachievable goals or deadlines – Staff work harder when they have a task they can never do. If they can only manufacture twenty items in a day, tell them the minimum is forty. Workers strive for excellence when you overwork them and they push even harder when you underpay them because now they have a goal to reach. Role play:

Manager: I would like all 5,000 pages due tomorrow.

Employee: Jeepers! I can only do 1 page an hour!

Manager: The only person holding yourself back is you.

Employee: I better get started! I really need to get a salary increase somehow.

Manager: Don’t count on it. But if deluding yourself helps….

Employee: It sure does! I’ve often wondered what I would do with all the money, sex, and power.

Manager: Not all of us are cut out for upper management kid.

3. Micromanagement- Your workforce is sort of a misnomer. Employees want to do anything but work. How do you think YouTube became so popular? The only real way to ensure that people work is standing over their shoulder.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No!

Manager: Umbers! You missed a capital letter! Busted!

When Picard smiles... you're in trouble

Even Picard had to deal with some dickhead admirals.

4. Not Following Up – Employees work twice as hard when they work their ass off for something and you pretend like you didn’t notice. It’s like that annoying kid who followed you around in high school. He did all this stuff to get your attention, wore your same clothes, hats, he even bought a guitar when you did. You did your best to ignore him but he only tried harder. It works with employees too.

Employee: So about that 5,000 page spreadsheet I did for you the other day… Did you have a chance to look at it?

Manager: Don’t you knock? I was sexting with this hot girl I met on the internet.

Employee: Are sure it’s a girl?

Manager: That’s half the fun! It could be an 80-year-old man, my wife, or even my own daughter!

Employee: You’re sick.

Manager: You don’t rise through the ranks of a genetically modified food company that pressures small farmers out of business for nothing.

5. Public criticism – One of the best ways to really get the best work out your employee is humiliation. They work twice as hard when they know people will laugh at them. Feel free to add ethnic jokes because it will really get your audience rolling on the floor.

Manager: Look at this spreadsheet! My third-grader can do better math than this. Some asshole turned this piece of shit in and expected me to accept it? Congratulations that asshole is you.

All the other employees laugh.

Employee: I tried my best.

Manager: Well your  best isn’t good enough. I wanted 5,000 pages. Not a turd gift basket. I thought you Germans were good at math!

All the other employees laugh harder.

Employee: My grandfather was German.

Manager: I guess your grandfather must have hit his head when he fell out of the guard tower!

All the other employees laugh even harder.

Another Employee One: That’s funny because he’s calling his grandfather a Nazi.

Another Employee Two: Shut up Ted.

Manager: Go cry to your momma boy! I will end you!

Employee: I really learned that I should try harder. After all, I was only victimized because I set myself up to be a victim. If I worked harder on that 5,000 page spreadsheet, I would not have been publicly humiliated. Victims are really the ones responsible.

Manager: That’s right. Suck it bitch!

6. Not explaining your actions or sharing company data – A good way to keep employees on the right path is by not sharing information. Employees really respond to not knowing how they fit in the bigger picture. You also don’t want them asking questions.

Employee: So boss, can I see some of the accounting data so I can make my spreadsheet better?

Manager: No.

Employee: But I noticed part of the budget problem was due to a million dollar error in…

Manager: You are asking too many questions. If I want to embezzle one million a year for hookers and blow, than that’s my choice. You are really invading my privacy when you ask for company records.

Employee: Jeepers boss, I didn’t know you could charge hookers and blow to your expense account.

Manager: It’s part of the Per Diem. I’ve got to attract new clients somehow. Don’t you watch Madmen?

7. Not honoring creative thinking and problem solving – Underlings will always tell you how to do your job. Don’t let them. You are the boss. You have way more experience than your employees. Try to lord that over them. Make sure you present their ideas as your own. They’ll appreciate helping out someone they deeply respect like you.

Employee: Boss! Boss! I figured out how to make your hookers and blow money look like a company expense. If we over budget the cost of everything, the excess is not only one but two million dollars!

Manager: You snot nosed punk. Don’t tell me how to run this! It will never work. Fuck off.

Next board meeting:

Manager: Gentlemen, I have the answer you’ve been looking for! I’ve figured out how to double our hooker and blow budget and expense it to the company!

The spell checker wants to change dickhead to Dickens.

Picard knows what to do with the dickeads.

8. Failing to provide praise – Once again, remember how ignoring people only makes them like you better. People will really look for your attention if you pretend they don’t exist. It seems to work for teenage boys and girls.

Close up on manager’s face.

Manager: The board was so pleased with my idea, they tripled my salary!

Zoom out to reveal manager tied to a chair. Employee is wild eyed and sharpening a large knife.

Employee: Your idea? Your IDEA?

Teenage Boy: This is stupid. I hate going to these stupid trainings. Who are you?

Teenage Girl: I’m your girlfriend.

Teenage Boy: So your that chick I see when I’m bored.

Teenage Girl: I know beneath your rugged exterior you’ll change, so I keep punishing myself with an asshole like you.

Manager: High-five buddy! You totally can do her whenever you want!

Teenage Boy: Yeah, bro! It’s awesome.

Teenage Girl: Can I borrow your knife?

Employee: I’ll tie him down.

Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Take my body for it is rock!

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me.   For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity!  Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and  my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Klingon and hair metal?

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups  who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

If Gays Could Marry…

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before? 

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.

iComedy for an iStupid Sense of Humor

We all fail sometimes. The key to failure is brushing ourselves off and accepting our failure with dignity and the profound sense of pride that you at least tried. Then you can buy a cabin in the woods and start making bombs. Because it’s the thought that counts. The thought that with a little plutonium, “They will pay. Oh yes, they will pay.” Because we know that there are other fish in the sea, which is where people will have to live when you are done with….

madunibombersayswhat?

What?

Explodes.

I’ve written sketch comedy and even a feature length comedy film. I’d figure that I’d know what is funny. And I really thought I found the funny in an company iPad training. We were being instructed in the use of iMovie for the iPad. I’ve created some music videos for my band in iMovie:

The class instructed us teachers to create a presentation for the students using iMovie so if we wanted the students do a similar assignment, we would know what to do. This assignment was an opportunity for the comedy. I’ve always tried to insert humor into my education. If I didn’t, I would get bored.

I remember one of my computer programming teachers in high school told me I can’t name a variable Bob. He said other programmers wouldn’t know that Bob is the Fibonacci sequence. Aside from the fact that it was a silly high school project that no other programmers would look at, I began writing stories in my programs. Bob’s cloning machine exploded and he began to replicate himself in the form of the Fibonacci sequence!

Here in my adult life, I’m at it again. How can I take what would be a boring assignment and make it funny? My comical gears began to turn and I thought of a simple equation – one that I thought was the funniest thing on the planet.

Hamlet + Chuck Norris = Manly Hamlet (Hamlet in Klingon).

So when we were given time to make our video, I whipped up a doofy little video for the project that I thought was hilarious.

While people did laugh during my presentation of the video, they didn’t laugh at the joke I thought was gold! Hamlet in Klingon is funny. Chuck Norris is also funny. Chuck playing Hamlet in Klingon –  a nuclear explosion of funny. That’s not to say the video wasn’t funny. The training group laughed during the video but they didn’t really laugh at the joke that I really wanted them to laugh at.

Which is a really important lesson for any humor writer. All you can do is write what you think is funny and hope that others share your sense of humor. And if they don’t share your sense of humor, set yourself on fire. Then who’s laughing?