Halloween and the Knights of the Round Table

            With Halloween around the corner, you should be scared and shit. If you aren’t scared, then here is a tale to chill your boner and your bones too!

Narrator: It was a dark and stormy knight named Josh. He was the long lost cousin of Lancelot. Most people thought he was a cheese dick but there was some mild depression and sarcasm in him as well. So King Arthur came unto Josh and Lancelot and said:

Satan is word scramble for Santa!

Medieval painting titled: Bitch rollin’ up on my Bling

King Arthur: Yo! Yo! Arthur in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches in this hizzy. We need to drink from pimpin’ goblets n’ shit. You drink malt liquor from the holy grail! Ain’t no way you go home alone. Know what I mean?

Lancelot: I don’t know what you mean. I understood probably only 1/3 of what you said. You see I fight for truth, justice, the ability for old ladies to walk their dogs safely at night, children having the same educational opportunities, pancake Sundays-

Josh: Dude, he wants us to find the holy grail.

King Arthur: Yo, this dawg knows the what what.

Lancelot: I shall perform your task with honor, dignity, a head held high looking towards the rising sun to symbolize a new day…

Josh: Fuck… I hate my family.

Narrator: Meanwhile Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Edward from the Twilight series were making plans of their own in Dracula’s living room. He has one of those 3D TVs. I’m personally waiting for holodecks. You probably won’t ever see me leave. Unless they don’t have a self cleaning cycle.

Edward: Yo! Yo! Edward in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches-

The Wolf Man beheads Edward.

Dracula: We are not scary anymore.

The mummy is smoking weed.

Mummy: Bro… I want some Doritos.

Dracula: I’m serious. We used to scare the shit out of little kids. Now they sell cheap knock-offs of us at Spencer’s.

Wolf Man: You’re right. People say I look all fake especially when you compare me to those young werewolf studs. But it hurts man. Do I tell a chick with eyeliner that makes her look like she has an eye infection that she looks fake?

Mummy: If I make a joint with my wrappings, would I get even higher than a normal joint?

Dracula: We need to do something about this.

Wolf Man: We can murder children!

Dracula: That’s good but then we’d have to let Hitler over.

Hitler is knocking on the door to Dracula’s castle.

Hitler: Hello? I brought Apples to Apples! I took out the dead Jew child cards so it’s fair this time.

Back in Dracula’s living room:

Mummy: Dude… bro… let’s pee in the holy grail.

Dracula: Shut up!

Wolf Man: Wait!  I think he has something.

Dracula: This is the stupidest idea-

Wolf Man: It’s brilliant. Christians get butt hurt when you make fun of their religion.

Mummy: Yeah man! They like make their kids afraid of Harry Potter and gay people and shit. They’ll make their kids afraid of us!

Dracula: Isn’t Harry Potter gay?

Wolf Man: He married a woman.

Dracula: So do plenty of people in the closet. You think he was so broken up over Cedric because Cedric was a solid competitor?

Mummy: I always thought he gave up Cho too easily…

Wolf Man: Shut up! He’s not gay. Let’s go pee in the grail.

Hi, I'm Satan. How are you enjoying the sketch so far?

Medieval painting titled: Harry Potter’s Homoerotic Dream

Narrator: So what if I’ve been drinking! Ummm… welcome back to our tale… of shit and stuff… you know I was second to play Obi Won Kenobi? But that asshole Sir Alec Guinness took the part. He didn’t even like playing Kenobi! I would have appreciated it. Instead, I play crap parts… in community theatre…

Dracula: Sorry folks… Our story continues when the knights find the grail….

Josh and Lancelot stumble in, covered in blood and muck. 

Lancelot: Traveling the four corners of the earth is a knight’s task. If you are too much of a squire, then you may…

Josh: Squire?

Lancelot: An unknightly title.

Josh: Why not pussy or bitch?

Lancelot: And heed the words of the patriarchy! I am a feminist.

Josh: You are a dude with a broadsword and armour that is covered in blood most of the time.

Lancelot: But my heart hath a feminine side. I hath feelings.

Josh: Really?

Lancelot: I’ve adopted a puppy.

Josh: To fight along-side you?

Lancelot: Mr. HowlingFluff will never see combat.

Josh: Ok… ok…

The neatly dressed Galahad walks in with the holy grail.

Lancelot: Galahad! Mighty knight of honor and value!

Josh: You found it!

Galahad: Yep.

Josh: Dude, we have being questing for years, how did you find it?

Galahad: Spencer’s.

Josh: Spencer’s. You mean we’ve been traveling the globe fighting bandits, evil warlords, and mythical beasts. And you fucking buy it at Spencer’s?

Galahad: Yeah bro, it’s near the pornographic greeting cards.

Lancelot: The card with the perfect man…hehe… because he’s cardboard…hoho… makes me laugh…haha… every time…haha…hehe…

Wolf Man jumps out, kills Galahad, and takes the grail! Josh and Lancelot pull out their swords.

Wolf Man: I got it!

Josh: Dude, whoa! Who are you?

Wolf Man: I am the Wolf Man.

Josh: Is that a mask? It looks fake.

Wolf Man: Hey, fuck you.

Dracula: Good! We pee in the grail now?

Lancelot: You pee in the cup of god! Have at thee!

Satan wants you to listen to Sublime or is that subliminal messages?

Medieval painting titled: Best Joint Ever

Josh: Whoa! Whoa! Wait… You are here to pee in the cup?

Wolf Man: Yeah… what’s it to you?

Josh: I think I can purpose a mutually beneficial solution…

A long stick pokes the narrator awake.

Narrator: Huh? What? So that’s how Josh became known as the cheese dick Knight. Arthur never could get the taste of urine washed from his mouth so he created a round table. That way he could sit at a different part of the table each time. Lancelot and Josh went to work for Spencer’s so they could get a discount on quest items. The Wolf Man married Dracula after Wolfie got over his homophobia. And the mummy smoked himself.

Advertisements

If Gays Could Marry…

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before? 

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.

The Worldly Poop

Comedy writers always ask the tough questions. Or at least the questions that nobody else asks. Is it just me or do people grunting while pooping make you uncomfortable? I always feel a little weird when the stall next door is full of:

For added fun, track your poops during the week!

Now you know the types of poop. You’re welcome.

Phtttttp.

Ahhhh…

Phhhhtttp.

Errrr…..

Phhhhhhhhttttttttpppppppp…

AHHHHHHH!

 SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH.

YES! YES! YES!

And of course you get the picture.  It’s like they have to prove their manhood over the shit. It sort of weirds me out to hear someone grunting away like they are wrestling a bear in the next stall over. I always thought men were noisy poopers.  That was until I went to Germany. Life was much quieter in Berlin. My wife and I noticed the noise difference right away. We would be in a crowded subway platform and hear noises like the rustle of a newspaper or scuff of a shoe on pavement. In New York, the equivalent subway platform crowd would sound like Muppets being squeezed in the Death Star’s trash compactor.

Kermit: Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level!

R2Animal2 and CFozziO are smoking a joint. R2Animal2 blows out a big puff of smoke.

CFozziO: Waka… waka… that’s funny shit man.

Sounds of Muppets death permeate the room.

CFozziO: Deep man… fucking deep.

R2Animal2 drools.

The volume level is just lower in Germany. My wife and I started talking quietly while we where there. We talked at what would be conspiratorial levels in the USA because if we talked any louder, we would stick out. And judging by the fact that a man asked us to sign a petition on the subway platform, I think we did a good job blending in. Well, at least until they heard us talk.

Me: Svien Curry Verst Bitter mitt pomme French fries.

Translation: I’m an American. Give me anything and I’ll smile and nod.

I wonder what search terms will lead to this post?

We need a new poopography plan. It’s all going to Antarctica.

The German pooping experience was completely different from back home. I’m used to the apocalypse happening in the stall next door back home. In Berlin… nothing. A crowded bathroom. And truly no noise. Sure, there was the occasional rustle of toilet paper and maybe a shift but it was truly a place where you can poop in quiet. I loved it. I never felt awkward while the heavy breathing guy in the next stall ruined what should be a relaxing poop.

I’m not really the travel writer but why don’t the travel blogs and shows cover pooping? Pooping is quite literally something we all have to do, every day! Wouldn’t it be nice to know what to expect. I mean Germany was a five star poop-not only were they quiet but they were pristine as most of the toilets were self cleaning!  Whereas I’ve been to other places hovering over the seat and wondering what kind of foul poop dwelling bugs could jump.

So Lonely Planet, if you are reading this post, write more about places to poop! We clueless travelers need to know! Or pay me to travel around the world and I’ll poop in every country. Either way, I think this is a very important issue. Write your congress person today! Tell them you care about poop and not about these stupid issues like debt ceiling, gun control, and healthcare.

Eat, Drink and Be Larry

All this Hamlet The Vampire Slayer happenings makes me nostalgic for the Eat, Drink and Be Larry days. The days when doing the fine art of theatre involved dressing up like Yoda:

Yoda

Emperor Palpatine goes to a used clone army salesman

I always find comedy to be fascinating in that it’s always part of the fringe.  For example, there is a theatre group in Albuquerque called Tricklock (the gentleman in the hat on the right is a member). They are internationally known, bring in acts from Europe and likewise take shows there.

Eat, Drink, and Be Larry’s closest connection to Europe was a German guy sent us a film for our tiny little film festival at the Guerrilla Tango (the now defunct theatre where we did the later half of our shows). We got so excited; we changed the name from The First Guerrilla Tango Film Festival to The First International Guerrilla Tango Film Festival. Which of course is a silly act because of our singular foreign film.

For us comics, we were sort of the bastard step children of the stage world. Most people look at a show as method to express emotions, political beliefs, or abstract intellectual ideas. We looked at it as a way for Dracula to give his three female vampires a full grown man wearing a diaper in parody of the Francis Ford Coppola’s baby eating Dracula.

Eat, Drink and Be Larry

The Eat, Drink and Be Larry crew

We really couldn’t take anything seriously. In fact, writing sketches was fueled by people that took themselves way to seriously. I remember a series of sketches I wrote about Steve from Blue Clues investigating really heinous murders with the same doofy kids show gusto. So maybe we did take comedy very seriously. The premise must seem like it’s real in order to be funny. But since the end result is silly, comedy stays on the fringe.

Sketch acts aren’t looking for prestige because there is little be had in late night theatre where Ophelia drowns herself in a bowl of water. But we are looking for that connection with the audience. A well crafted joke can create a moment shared by an entire a room full of people. For a brief period of time, the comic is connected with everyone in a emotional event that can be only described as joy. The performer and audience alike become part of an experience greater than themselves. The allure of comedy is being part of that fringe.

Not Another Robocalypse!

After watching this video, I thought that the robot overlords now have a fully functionally samurai. Least we forget the function of samurai in medieval Japan:

Peasant: Honorable Samurai, please defend us from the evil warlord that steals our rice.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant: Sweet! Thanks honorable samurai! Have some rice. Whoa buddy… not too much… we need to eat too you know.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 2: You killed Bob!

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 3: Um… keep the rice.

Now we have a robot that can essentially do the job of samurai. So in the event of robot rebellion, the sword fighting bots will surely be on the battlefield. Before change your name to a series of ones and zeros for the coming robocalypse, let’s analyze this video. My first impression is that these sword wielding bots really don’t move very fast. I don’t move very fast and I feel like I could take them. Believe me, that says a lot. As I am one of the slower human beings on the planet.

For example, when we leave the house, my wife sometimes locks the door herself while I fumble for the keys. To truly understand this moment, you must understand that I am on a different temporal plane than my wife. Our time perception is completely separated in opposite directions. For example, I perceive me reaching for my keys and a blur of motion as my wife locks the door. My wife perceives  me reaching for my keys… in slow motion… clouds drift lazily in the heat… the sun creeps across the sky… the grass seems to grow… and the door is still not locked! I’ll lock it. Maybe I’ll wait for him…. the grass is still growing… fuck it, I’ll lock it!

Then I’ll register that she just locked the door and I’ll put away my keys. The clouds… the sun… the grass… I better get the car door too… So when I say that I’m fast enough to take the robot in a sword fight, I’m pretty sure society won’t be in shambles quite yet. A few speed upgrades will take out simple folk like me.

There are still ways to fight the bot. They use a Microsoft Kinect to track the motion of the sword fighter. Aside from the obvious installing Vista joke to slow down the robot, there are plenty of ways to thwart the Kinect technology. I prefer a live octopus ink spray because humor writer’s never go for solutions unless they pose more problems than the original situation.

So rest easy tonight knowing the robocalypse is still more science fiction than fact and adopt an Octopus pet today. Besides, had this been an actual robocalypse, the emergency broadcast system would tell you to stick your head in the refrigerator and slam the door repeatedly. Unless of course you have a smart refrigerator that will gladly do the slamming for you.

The Clone Army

I look like Seth Rogen. Not in a really drunk guy in a poorly lit bar heckling me sort of a way, but in the sometimes I look in the mirror and try to get an autograph way.  If there is any evidence of a cloning conspiracy then I am the proof. Here are the facts:

1. Seth writes comedy and so do I

2. Seth is funny and I make myself laugh sometimes

3. Seth has lots of money and I have a lot of money compared to children in the Congo

4. Seth is famous and I watched Fame a week ago

5. Seth has an IMDB Profile and I have an IMDB Profile (as we know IMDB lets only the people that have achieved a certain standard in film into their database, like this guy)

If you need further proof look at this photo:

The Clone Army

My career as a celebrity impersonator awaits!

That’s me on the left and Seth on the… or is that me on the right and Seth on the left? Either way I believe something Stars Wars Episode IIey is going on. Of course if I am a clone, the big question is why Seth Rogen? If a senator was planning a coup to over throw the government then why clone Seth Rogen? I could think of plenty of clone armies better at taking out the government. Seth Rogen may endear the affection of the public as sort of an awkward everyman freedom fighter but clones of the entire cast of Predator probably would do a better job.

Unless of course Seth Rogen is a discount Clone Army. The future emperor has to think of cost effective ways to run the empire.  Why else would the Storm Troopers never hit anything with their blasters? A well trained killing machine clone has to be pretty pricey.

Either way maybe Seth Rogen will decide to settle down one day and he will need a replacement for his next three hundred films (that’s his 2012 schedule). Or better yet maybe they’ll need some one to play his dead body! I’ve always wanted to play a dead body. Although, I don’t know if I could keep a strait face while actors contemplated my rectum.