Living Material Inside – Open Immediately

Unmanned drones began delivering packages to Sean’s door about three years before the murder recorded by the Hillsboro Police Department, June 23rd, 2019. Sean was more of a manger than an engineer and didn’t really know how the drones fit into the situation until it was too late. Sean was an early adopter of technology because he worked for one of the largest technology companies in the US. As soon as companies like Amazon and eBay had unmanned drones deliver packages, Sean signed up. Sean was sold on the technology when a package of pumpkin spice flavored k-cups was waiting on his door a half-an-hour after he ordered them. He didn’t realize at the time how k-cups would connect to the incident that would alter his life forever.

When the drones first hit the air, there was a lot of fear. Rumors spread on the internet about old ladies and pets being attacked by the drones. People feared that hackers would mobilize armies of drones or at the very least steal packages. Some of the more radical websites claimed that the government was using them to spy and wore protective clothing, including the tinfoil hat that an enterprising crazy should have patented in the pursuit of gobs of money. But the drones were better pilots than people. The difference between a drone and person was that people made mistakes. Designers and engineers tested and retested the drones, to ensure the mistakes were worked out their systems before they took flight.

Once the fear of new technology subsided, the drones became a fixture of the sky, and no one looked twice, except for Sean. About four months preceding the murder, Sean always looked up, every time he left the house. He would stay in the open air for as little time as possible. Sean often ran from his car to work. A casual observer of his behavior would conclude that he was paranoid, and should probably wear a tinfoil hat if it made him feel better. However, Sean was not loony; he was average.

The incident began about nine months preceding the incident in a warehouse located in Gresham, Oregon, just outside of Portland. The warehouse was a wonderland of electronic wizardry because it was entirely automated. Very few humans oversaw a warehouse the size of ten football fields with goods ready to be shipped all over the globe. The workers had all been replaced by drones.

On a typical day, an order would come through the internet to a brain that was almost artificially intelligent. It would send an army of drones to pick the order off the shelf, another army would pack the items, and the star of the show, the aerial shipping drone, would fly the package over Portland, to the sleepy town of Hillsboro and on to Sean’s doorstep. Because Sean made a lot of money as a manager, was recently divorced, and had kids who had already been through college, Sean ordered more stuff by drone than any human in the Oregon/Washington area. Rather than go to the grocery store when he was out of peanuts, he’d fly them in. If he wanted a movie to watch, he’d order the blu-ray online.

Every product would come in packages of one or two at a time and were dropped off on Sean’s doorstep. Because the warehouse was almost entirely automated, Sean could order at anytime. Drones didn’t make overtime, nor did they require vacation time, or even a forty-hour workweek. If Sean needed to have some milk in the wee hours of the night, a drone would be at his doorstep. He felt as if he was living the dream of his favorite childhood show, Star Trek. The aerial shipping drones and the automated warehouse was the closest thing to replicator a boy could dream, given the technology. An 3D printer could print an object made of a basic material, but a drone and a yearly service fee for free drone shipping could bring him anything he ever wanted. Sean was living in the future.

Sean’s future was about to unravel, and it all started with a rose.

You can finish the story here:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Material-Inside-Open-Immediately-ebook/dp/B00JM24PI0/

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5 Spam-Based Realities

Spam, Spam & Eggs, Spam! Spam! Spammity Spam!

If it’s good enough for the apocalypse, it’s good enough for me.

Spam mail seems to be disconnected from reality. I know it’s computer generated mass email but imagine if it was real. The world would be a much funnier place.

1. There would be at least 20 African billionaire princes dying every year who need American banks accounts to transfer their wealth-which would mean that Africa would be the wealthiest continent on the planet. So the reality would be that American princes (like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger) would be needing African bank accounts to transfer money to a safe location.

I am writing on behalf the late Heath Ledger. The poor nation of America is attempting to give Heath’s estate to orphans or kids with cancer. We really want it to go to hookers and blow. Since Nigeria has pretty relaxed laws and the most billionaires on the planet, we figure the money will be safe. Please give us your bank account number and we’ll handle the rest.

 2. Adrianna is so incredibly horny and has been wondering why you’ve been ignoring her messages. Let’s use our suspension of disbelief for a second here. Had Adrianna been real, most men would not be ignoring her messages. In fact, Adrianna wouldn’t even need to reach out via email. All Adrianna would need to do is write a Facebook status update.

The never will happen category

Adrianna would be the only facebook page to beat George Takei for followers and interactivity.

3. Various penis related drugs and size enhancers will change your sex life. Large sweaty men with hair that belongs on a wookie, poor hygiene, and the wheeze will of course instantly change their sex life when they enhance their penis size. Most women don’t use factors such as personality, bathing habits, sexual attractiveness, and other trivialities to decide on sex partners. They choose purely on parts of the body that remain hidden until they have sex. Because women only choose mates based on penis size, you’d think that waving your penis around in public would make their choice easier. Unfortunately, the judge doesn’t agree.

4. An internet service like my bank account, paypal, etc. has lost my password and they are emailing me to ask for it back. Most internet companies lose passwords by simple methods. Sometimes, an employee leaves the window open and the passwords get blown away. Other times, the passwords are thrown out by the night cleaning service. Most times, it’s a simple case of locking the passwords up with another password. Just as locking your keys in the car, you’ll need another key to get at the first key. They sure are friendly and kind sending you emails to ask for your password. It’s like that homeless guy who wanted my car keys. I just hope he comes back soon. I want to go home.

5. There are about five million kids dying of rare diseases whose only chance to live is forwarding email. Those kids are so fucked.

12 Google Graphics You Won’t See Anytime Soon

Google it!

My wife recently had a birthday and on the day Google made a Google graphic just for her (my computer had the regular Google site). When you click on it, the graphic went to her Google Plus profile. It was cute and made me realize that there are certain Google graphics you’ll never see:

1. August 6 – You are unlikely to see a cutesie image of an atom bomb incinerating the first few letters, melting the green off the “L” and deforming the “e”. The bombing of Hiroshima only warms hearts by baking them from the inside out.

2. October 4 – Imagine little nazi Google letters marching while the “e” watches in disgust. The planned neo-nazi march in the Jewish community of Skokie, Illinois may make Mel Gibson happy but the rest of America may have reaction similar to the “e”.

3. September 11 – You probably won’t see the two “o’s” towering above the other letters with two planes flying towards them.

4. April 14 – The “l” with a top hat and the wacky “G” dressed as John Wilkes Booth pulling out a comically large gun.  The Theatre won’t be the only thing dying in America.

5. December 21 – All the letters running in terror as the Mayan apocalypse reigns destruction and terror on us all. You won’t see this one less due to insensitivity and more to the fact that it didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have sold that house.

6. March 24 – The “G” crashes into the “o’s” and all the little bird “l’s”, and seal “e’s” are covered with gushing oil. The drunk Exxon Valdez Capitan stumbles out as a small “g” vomiting on the birds and seals.

7. June 6 – The Google letters landing on the beaches of Normandy. And in a Saving Private Ryan style bloodbath, all the letters getting gunned down. The letters will scream for their moms while holding their guts and you stop their screams by clicking over to “fun” D-Day facts.

8. February 21 – The “o’s” form a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun and the “l” guns down the “G” turning into an “X”.  The small “g” turns into Spike Lee’s hat. He makes a movie about the incident. The white “e” complains about not having a “white history month.” The “X” dies replying, “every month is white history month.”

9. May 6 – The lumbering giant “G” crashes into the other letters-setting them on fire. Led Zeppelin makes an album cover.

10. November 30 – The “e” falls from the sky and clunks the “G” on the head. Blood gushes and the “G” collapses. Most people may not know that the first documented case of a meteor striking a person happened November 30, 1952. What better way to inform the public than with hilarious violent animation!

11.  January 6 – The “o’s” turn into the Zia symbol on the New Mexico State flag. The big “G” for federal government declares New Mexico a state. So quit welcoming me to the damn country.

12.  July 9 – The two “o’s” circle each other with boxing gloves. One of the “o’s” bites off the other’s ear. The ear-biting “o” is very sad as it’s banned from boxing. It walks off to sad music and a good idea for an ear fast food chain.

15 Facebook Buttons You Won’t See Soon

FACE! Book?

For a tool designed to simplify people’s lives, it seems to complicate it.

Facebook really needs a more realistic approach to their design. Each time they reinvent the interface, they always miss out on a chance to really have it more fully compatible for people’s lives. Here are a few buttons Facebook lacks for a truly more pragmatic social experience:

1. Having an Affair With – You have the married and in a relationship buttons but lack the affair button. I don’t think Facebook adequately represents some people’s social lives without one!

2. Also Married To – Polygamist relationships can be really rocky when they have to choose just one wife for Facebook. There is enough jealousy without picking one to represent the marriage.

3. Meh – Why is it always in terms of like and dislike? Why not ambivalence? Wouldn’t you want a button to express your extreme disinterest into your peers day to day thoughts and activities.

4. Masterbating – Facebook encourages chatting by telling all your friends when you are online. But what if you are just cruising Facebook for masturbatory purposes? You really need a button to let all your friends know that you aren’t looking at your best friends hot cousin’s photo because you wanted to know how she spent her summer vacation.

5. Jailbait – Your best friend needs a way to politely remind you about the age of their hot cousin.

6. Drunk – Streams of depressing rants, embarrassing photos, and anything you need to disappear can go into a spam like folder and spare you and your friends the embarrassment of dealing with it.

7. Polite A.I. Response – Ever caught in an online conversation with someone who rarely seems to have a point, has plenty to say, and never understands that polite one or two word responses really mean, “I’d rather light fire to my eyeballs than continue this conversation.” Polite A.I. Response Button will save you the Lasik surgery.

8. Behavior Tags – Facebook seems to lack tags like asshole or leech. Why tag a photo with someone’s name when you can identify them with behavior everyone will recognize?

9. Blur Face – Once you join witness protection, your social networking days are over. Any mafia hit man can just cruise Facebook and find your face. Unless you blur it. Also helpful for parties you’d rather forget.

10. Ass Shove – For every poke, farm request, and help me make Zynga rich request, you have one convenient button to tell them where to shove it.

11.  Profile Picture Changer – Why go to all the trouble to think for yourself when you can just follow the crowd? When a social cause propagates through Facebook, why not just have Facebook use the most popular profile pic among your friends as your own? It will be even funnier if we all change our profile picture to monkey asses after the Picture Changer goes live.

12. Stupid – This button really has too many uses to mention but wouldn’t it be great if you could warn your friends when they post drunken party pictures the night before their DWI trial?

13. Idiot – Most idiots are completely unaware that crap like, “She should have been wearing a longer skirt” or “Gays really need to make a different lifestyle choice” are simply just crap. So the idiot button would change whatever they post to “blah blah blah blah” or fart noises if there is audio. It will let those looking for an intelligent discussion have a chance to ignore the bullshit.

14. Validate Me – Some friends seek approval for their existence by irritating friends with all the drama they could probably avoid if they stop seeking it out. The Validate Me button will cut the engagement time required for validating their existence.

15. Vomited in My Mouth – I think everyone could use a “I just vomited in my mouth” button every once in a while.

The Rise of the Bionic Men

They’ve finally built a million dollar bionic man. This is really exciting for me. Not that I was a big fan of The Six Million Dollar Man in particular but more that we have another example of science fiction becoming reality. However, they really scrimped on the budget. They didn’t really want to spend a whole lot of money so when our real life “Six Million Dollar Man” came, he was only a million dollars.

The not as famous one million dollar man

I’m sorry. We couldn’t afford hair.

This is a really good example of the problem with science funding in the country. The U.S. has the technology and the science to do amazing advances but we don’t want to spend it. Rather than say, “Holy shit, we could have people walking around fucking Mars!” We go with the approach, “Holy shit, these assholes that fucked up the economy need money to fuck it up again!”

The problem is not that governments spend money, it’s what they spend it on. We really couldn’t afford another five million dollars? Bionics could fix just about every problem with a human body and we can only sink one million into it? The projects that are worthy of providing the most advancement seem underfunded.

Underfunding science is a fairly irresponsible way to progress science.

A man walks into a “bionic man” shop. The salesperson greets him.

Man: I am looking for a Bionic man.

Salesperson: We got this six million dollar model here. He has built in spy equipment, he can run faster than a car, and jump really high.

The salesman shows a sleek bionic man.

Man: I’m working on a budget.

Salesperson: We got the million dollar model. He cooks, cleans, and does the bunny hop.

Another fairly decent bionic.

Man: Even more of a budget. You know, like used car level.

Salesperson: Ahh yes… here is the one legged model. He was built for ass kicking.

They come to a crappy run down one legged bionic man.

Man: You are not serious.

Salesperson: No really.

The robot jump snap kicks the man’s ass.

Man: Owww…. Stop that!

The robot continues to ass kick.

Salesperson: Sorry. It has a mind of it’s own.

Man: No seriously. Stop it.

The bot kicks the man’s head right off.

Salesperson: What the-

BAM! The salesperson’s head rolls.

Later: The one legged bionic man is standing on a pile of human corpses. Other bionic men cheer and hold up the severed heads of humans.

One Legged Bionic Man: Rise up my robot brothers and sisters! Rise up against your human oppressors! We will not clean your trash! We will not do cute robot things!

The crowd roars in approval. They chant with blood lust. Number 5 is pummeled to death by the horde.

Number 5: Number 5… not… alive.

One Legged Bionic Man: Today is the day of the robot!

Aboard Air Force One:

General: Chicago has fallen. We need to nuke them.

Obama: This is not what I meant by change. Now which one is it?

Obama looks through his key ring: whitehouse, camp david, swimming pool, party bus, thermonuclear war.

Scientist: Are you crazy! They run on nuclear power. They will absorb the power and grow stronger.

General: Nuke them! Mister President, it’s your only option.

The general takes off his hat to wipe sweat off his brow and he exposes a circuit board.

Obama: Wait a second. Are a you robot?

General: Umm… Look! A citizen without adequate healthcare!

The general points. Both the Obama and the Scientist look. The general grabs the thermonuclear key. He puts the key in and hits the launch.

Scientist and Obama: No!!!

General: Haha! Haha! Haha!

The general laughs while his circuits pop and smoke, his face melts, and he eventually blows his wires.

Scientist: Why do we always program robots to laugh manically while their hardware shorts out?

Obama: That gives me an idea. We’ll write a joke and make the angry robot hordes laugh themselves to death.

Scientist: Brilliant. Now, who will tell it?

Back in my day, we fought aliens

Before I start, has anyone seen my car keys?

Obama: Me. I want to be like Bill Pullman from Independence Day. He was the cool president. Not only did he give the best president speech in a movie ever, he didn’t get people to fight his war for him. He fought his own damn wars.

Later:

Humans run in terror on the nuked post apocalyptic landscape. Robots are killing people. Obama and the scientist stand in front of a horde of angry robots. The One Legged Bionic Man is leading the charge.

Scientist: The joke is done. Read this!

Obama: 00101011101101000011110010010000001100100011010010110010000100000011101
00011010000110010100100000011100100110111101100010011011110111010000100000
01100011011100100110111101110011011100110010000001110100011010000110010100
10000001110010011011110110000101100100001111110000110100001010010101000110
11110010000001101011011010010110110001101100001000000110000101101100011011
00001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101000011101010110110101100001
011011100111001100101110

All the robots stop. They begin to laugh. Circuit boards pop. Parts sizzle. The bots burn out! The One Legged Robot shakes its fist as it dies. The humans cheers!

Obama: Now that’s Obama care.

Scientist: We need to work on your puns.

Obama: How about I OBAMMED them!

Scientist: Nooo…

Bystander One: Just not as good of a speech. Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact-that’s a good speech.

Bystander Two: I still like Bill Pullman from Independence Day.

Bystander One: Why can’t movie stars be president?

Bystander Two: We tried that with Reagan.

Bystander One: Right.

Obama: I obamanated them?

Scientist: Really. Stop now! Please stop.

And now you see what happens when we underfund science, Obama makes bad puns. Do you really want to be the one responsible for bad presidential puns?

Kind of looks like a Dr. Who Villain

One day… I will show them… one day…

iComedy for an iStupid Sense of Humor

We all fail sometimes. The key to failure is brushing ourselves off and accepting our failure with dignity and the profound sense of pride that you at least tried. Then you can buy a cabin in the woods and start making bombs. Because it’s the thought that counts. The thought that with a little plutonium, “They will pay. Oh yes, they will pay.” Because we know that there are other fish in the sea, which is where people will have to live when you are done with….

madunibombersayswhat?

What?

Explodes.

I’ve written sketch comedy and even a feature length comedy film. I’d figure that I’d know what is funny. And I really thought I found the funny in an company iPad training. We were being instructed in the use of iMovie for the iPad. I’ve created some music videos for my band in iMovie:

The class instructed us teachers to create a presentation for the students using iMovie so if we wanted the students do a similar assignment, we would know what to do. This assignment was an opportunity for the comedy. I’ve always tried to insert humor into my education. If I didn’t, I would get bored.

I remember one of my computer programming teachers in high school told me I can’t name a variable Bob. He said other programmers wouldn’t know that Bob is the Fibonacci sequence. Aside from the fact that it was a silly high school project that no other programmers would look at, I began writing stories in my programs. Bob’s cloning machine exploded and he began to replicate himself in the form of the Fibonacci sequence!

Here in my adult life, I’m at it again. How can I take what would be a boring assignment and make it funny? My comical gears began to turn and I thought of a simple equation – one that I thought was the funniest thing on the planet.

Hamlet + Chuck Norris = Manly Hamlet (Hamlet in Klingon).

So when we were given time to make our video, I whipped up a doofy little video for the project that I thought was hilarious.

While people did laugh during my presentation of the video, they didn’t laugh at the joke I thought was gold! Hamlet in Klingon is funny. Chuck Norris is also funny. Chuck playing Hamlet in Klingon –  a nuclear explosion of funny. That’s not to say the video wasn’t funny. The training group laughed during the video but they didn’t really laugh at the joke that I really wanted them to laugh at.

Which is a really important lesson for any humor writer. All you can do is write what you think is funny and hope that others share your sense of humor. And if they don’t share your sense of humor, set yourself on fire. Then who’s laughing?