Living Material Inside – Open Immediately

Unmanned drones began delivering packages to Sean’s door about three years before the murder recorded by the Hillsboro Police Department, June 23rd, 2019. Sean was more of a manger than an engineer and didn’t really know how the drones fit into the situation until it was too late. Sean was an early adopter of technology because he worked for one of the largest technology companies in the US. As soon as companies like Amazon and eBay had unmanned drones deliver packages, Sean signed up. Sean was sold on the technology when a package of pumpkin spice flavored k-cups was waiting on his door a half-an-hour after he ordered them. He didn’t realize at the time how k-cups would connect to the incident that would alter his life forever.

When the drones first hit the air, there was a lot of fear. Rumors spread on the internet about old ladies and pets being attacked by the drones. People feared that hackers would mobilize armies of drones or at the very least steal packages. Some of the more radical websites claimed that the government was using them to spy and wore protective clothing, including the tinfoil hat that an enterprising crazy should have patented in the pursuit of gobs of money. But the drones were better pilots than people. The difference between a drone and person was that people made mistakes. Designers and engineers tested and retested the drones, to ensure the mistakes were worked out their systems before they took flight.

Once the fear of new technology subsided, the drones became a fixture of the sky, and no one looked twice, except for Sean. About four months preceding the murder, Sean always looked up, every time he left the house. He would stay in the open air for as little time as possible. Sean often ran from his car to work. A casual observer of his behavior would conclude that he was paranoid, and should probably wear a tinfoil hat if it made him feel better. However, Sean was not loony; he was average.

The incident began about nine months preceding the incident in a warehouse located in Gresham, Oregon, just outside of Portland. The warehouse was a wonderland of electronic wizardry because it was entirely automated. Very few humans oversaw a warehouse the size of ten football fields with goods ready to be shipped all over the globe. The workers had all been replaced by drones.

On a typical day, an order would come through the internet to a brain that was almost artificially intelligent. It would send an army of drones to pick the order off the shelf, another army would pack the items, and the star of the show, the aerial shipping drone, would fly the package over Portland, to the sleepy town of Hillsboro and on to Sean’s doorstep. Because Sean made a lot of money as a manager, was recently divorced, and had kids who had already been through college, Sean ordered more stuff by drone than any human in the Oregon/Washington area. Rather than go to the grocery store when he was out of peanuts, he’d fly them in. If he wanted a movie to watch, he’d order the blu-ray online.

Every product would come in packages of one or two at a time and were dropped off on Sean’s doorstep. Because the warehouse was almost entirely automated, Sean could order at anytime. Drones didn’t make overtime, nor did they require vacation time, or even a forty-hour workweek. If Sean needed to have some milk in the wee hours of the night, a drone would be at his doorstep. He felt as if he was living the dream of his favorite childhood show, Star Trek. The aerial shipping drones and the automated warehouse was the closest thing to replicator a boy could dream, given the technology. An 3D printer could print an object made of a basic material, but a drone and a yearly service fee for free drone shipping could bring him anything he ever wanted. Sean was living in the future.

Sean’s future was about to unravel, and it all started with a rose.

You can finish the story here:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Material-Inside-Open-Immediately-ebook/dp/B00JM24PI0/

5 Spam-Based Realities

Spam, Spam & Eggs, Spam! Spam! Spammity Spam!

If it’s good enough for the apocalypse, it’s good enough for me.

Spam mail seems to be disconnected from reality. I know it’s computer generated mass email but imagine if it was real. The world would be a much funnier place.

1. There would be at least 20 African billionaire princes dying every year who need American banks accounts to transfer their wealth-which would mean that Africa would be the wealthiest continent on the planet. So the reality would be that American princes (like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger) would be needing African bank accounts to transfer money to a safe location.

I am writing on behalf the late Heath Ledger. The poor nation of America is attempting to give Heath’s estate to orphans or kids with cancer. We really want it to go to hookers and blow. Since Nigeria has pretty relaxed laws and the most billionaires on the planet, we figure the money will be safe. Please give us your bank account number and we’ll handle the rest.

 2. Adrianna is so incredibly horny and has been wondering why you’ve been ignoring her messages. Let’s use our suspension of disbelief for a second here. Had Adrianna been real, most men would not be ignoring her messages. In fact, Adrianna wouldn’t even need to reach out via email. All Adrianna would need to do is write a Facebook status update.

The never will happen category

Adrianna would be the only facebook page to beat George Takei for followers and interactivity.

3. Various penis related drugs and size enhancers will change your sex life. Large sweaty men with hair that belongs on a wookie, poor hygiene, and the wheeze will of course instantly change their sex life when they enhance their penis size. Most women don’t use factors such as personality, bathing habits, sexual attractiveness, and other trivialities to decide on sex partners. They choose purely on parts of the body that remain hidden until they have sex. Because women only choose mates based on penis size, you’d think that waving your penis around in public would make their choice easier. Unfortunately, the judge doesn’t agree.

4. An internet service like my bank account, paypal, etc. has lost my password and they are emailing me to ask for it back. Most internet companies lose passwords by simple methods. Sometimes, an employee leaves the window open and the passwords get blown away. Other times, the passwords are thrown out by the night cleaning service. Most times, it’s a simple case of locking the passwords up with another password. Just as locking your keys in the car, you’ll need another key to get at the first key. They sure are friendly and kind sending you emails to ask for your password. It’s like that homeless guy who wanted my car keys. I just hope he comes back soon. I want to go home.

5. There are about five million kids dying of rare diseases whose only chance to live is forwarding email. Those kids are so fucked.

12 Google Graphics You Won’t See Anytime Soon

Google it!

My wife recently had a birthday and on the day Google made a Google graphic just for her (my computer had the regular Google site). When you click on it, the graphic went to her Google Plus profile. It was cute and made me realize that there are certain Google graphics you’ll never see:

1. August 6 – You are unlikely to see a cutesie image of an atom bomb incinerating the first few letters, melting the green off the “L” and deforming the “e”. The bombing of Hiroshima only warms hearts by baking them from the inside out.

2. October 4 – Imagine little nazi Google letters marching while the “e” watches in disgust. The planned neo-nazi march in the Jewish community of Skokie, Illinois may make Mel Gibson happy but the rest of America may have reaction similar to the “e”.

3. September 11 – You probably won’t see the two “o’s” towering above the other letters with two planes flying towards them.

4. April 14 – The “l” with a top hat and the wacky “G” dressed as John Wilkes Booth pulling out a comically large gun.  The Theatre won’t be the only thing dying in America.

5. December 21 – All the letters running in terror as the Mayan apocalypse reigns destruction and terror on us all. You won’t see this one less due to insensitivity and more to the fact that it didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have sold that house.

6. March 24 – The “G” crashes into the “o’s” and all the little bird “l’s”, and seal “e’s” are covered with gushing oil. The drunk Exxon Valdez Capitan stumbles out as a small “g” vomiting on the birds and seals.

7. June 6 – The Google letters landing on the beaches of Normandy. And in a Saving Private Ryan style bloodbath, all the letters getting gunned down. The letters will scream for their moms while holding their guts and you stop their screams by clicking over to “fun” D-Day facts.

8. February 21 – The “o’s” form a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun and the “l” guns down the “G” turning into an “X”.  The small “g” turns into Spike Lee’s hat. He makes a movie about the incident. The white “e” complains about not having a “white history month.” The “X” dies replying, “every month is white history month.”

9. May 6 – The lumbering giant “G” crashes into the other letters-setting them on fire. Led Zeppelin makes an album cover.

10. November 30 – The “e” falls from the sky and clunks the “G” on the head. Blood gushes and the “G” collapses. Most people may not know that the first documented case of a meteor striking a person happened November 30, 1952. What better way to inform the public than with hilarious violent animation!

11.  January 6 – The “o’s” turn into the Zia symbol on the New Mexico State flag. The big “G” for federal government declares New Mexico a state. So quit welcoming me to the damn country.

12.  July 9 – The two “o’s” circle each other with boxing gloves. One of the “o’s” bites off the other’s ear. The ear-biting “o” is very sad as it’s banned from boxing. It walks off to sad music and a good idea for an ear fast food chain.

15 Facebook Buttons You Won’t See Soon

FACE! Book?

For a tool designed to simplify people’s lives, it seems to complicate it.

Facebook really needs a more realistic approach to their design. Each time they reinvent the interface, they always miss out on a chance to really have it more fully compatible for people’s lives. Here are a few buttons Facebook lacks for a truly more pragmatic social experience:

1. Having an Affair With – You have the married and in a relationship buttons but lack the affair button. I don’t think Facebook adequately represents some people’s social lives without one!

2. Also Married To – Polygamist relationships can be really rocky when they have to choose just one wife for Facebook. There is enough jealousy without picking one to represent the marriage.

3. Meh – Why is it always in terms of like and dislike? Why not ambivalence? Wouldn’t you want a button to express your extreme disinterest into your peers day to day thoughts and activities.

4. Masterbating – Facebook encourages chatting by telling all your friends when you are online. But what if you are just cruising Facebook for masturbatory purposes? You really need a button to let all your friends know that you aren’t looking at your best friends hot cousin’s photo because you wanted to know how she spent her summer vacation.

5. Jailbait – Your best friend needs a way to politely remind you about the age of their hot cousin.

6. Drunk – Streams of depressing rants, embarrassing photos, and anything you need to disappear can go into a spam like folder and spare you and your friends the embarrassment of dealing with it.

7. Polite A.I. Response – Ever caught in an online conversation with someone who rarely seems to have a point, has plenty to say, and never understands that polite one or two word responses really mean, “I’d rather light fire to my eyeballs than continue this conversation.” Polite A.I. Response Button will save you the Lasik surgery.

8. Behavior Tags – Facebook seems to lack tags like asshole or leech. Why tag a photo with someone’s name when you can identify them with behavior everyone will recognize?

9. Blur Face – Once you join witness protection, your social networking days are over. Any mafia hit man can just cruise Facebook and find your face. Unless you blur it. Also helpful for parties you’d rather forget.

10. Ass Shove – For every poke, farm request, and help me make Zynga rich request, you have one convenient button to tell them where to shove it.

11.  Profile Picture Changer – Why go to all the trouble to think for yourself when you can just follow the crowd? When a social cause propagates through Facebook, why not just have Facebook use the most popular profile pic among your friends as your own? It will be even funnier if we all change our profile picture to monkey asses after the Picture Changer goes live.

12. Stupid – This button really has too many uses to mention but wouldn’t it be great if you could warn your friends when they post drunken party pictures the night before their DWI trial?

13. Idiot – Most idiots are completely unaware that crap like, “She should have been wearing a longer skirt” or “Gays really need to make a different lifestyle choice” are simply just crap. So the idiot button would change whatever they post to “blah blah blah blah” or fart noises if there is audio. It will let those looking for an intelligent discussion have a chance to ignore the bullshit.

14. Validate Me – Some friends seek approval for their existence by irritating friends with all the drama they could probably avoid if they stop seeking it out. The Validate Me button will cut the engagement time required for validating their existence.

15. Vomited in My Mouth – I think everyone could use a “I just vomited in my mouth” button every once in a while.