My Biggest Loser Moment (Without Cake)

Future Owner of Ameria

Then you take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Squeeze them like this. I’ll use real testicles after I made my billions.

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl inventing a flashlight powered by the heat from your body. Back when I was 15, I was more worried about finding a hit of acid or if this really cute girl who was way out of my league liked me. Of course looking back at those years, I know that the girl really didn’t know that I existed but with the acid, I didn’t really care that she didn’t know that I existed because walking up a three foot hill in the desert was a mind blowing mystical experience. It’s like an epic journey with Frodo up mount doom man.

I’m pretty well aware of the reasons why I didn’t get the ladies in high school so shut up. But suffice to say, I feel like my high school time was pretty much wasted and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Inventing a flashlight is going to make this girl millions or at the very least land a super sweet research job or scholarship money. I don’t think my trek up the hill in the desert behind my house while baked on acid would have done the same thing for me (though it may certainly made me feel like I was).

The phrase, “being young is wasted on the youth” is more or less the problem with the educational system. I was extremely lucky to be in high school when Yahoo was a collection of some dude’s favorite places. This was before eBay and just about every major web platform. Instead of encouraging us to generate new ideas, my educational system really inspired me to see the futility in it all. The school didn’t care, they cared more about getting you to not shoot-up in class than provide education and more importantly provide planning skills for the future. And since the public education system didn’t care, I didn’t either.

Just send her to troubled high schools

My face is every pharmacy in America! What have you done?

I completely subscribed to the apathy that stifled my generation. I subscribed to it so much that I sort of half-assed my way through college when I came to my biggest loser moment. And no it wasn’t because I was eating gobs of cake while Jillian yelled in my ear. I was actually working one hour photo, sort of in-between a degree in theatre and a life of minimum wage hell. The smartest person I knew in high school came to get some photographs and she recognized me.

“Aaron? Is that you?” She said a statement that if one girl said to me in high school I probably would have jizzed in my pants but in loser college days made me actually have to think. I wasn’t quite sure who it was yet.

I was working in a job were it was customary not to think so I delayed with the “Hi. How are you?” generic response.

“Good!” She said.

“What have you been up to?” I said trying to tease out more information so I could think of her name.

“I’m just graduating from MIT. I own my own business but I’m thinking about going back to get another Masters.” She said. It was enough for me to remember her name and that she was the smartest person I knew in high school. It was also enough to make me realize the amount of nothing I’ve done with myself. That’s also when I realized the apathy was bullshit. I wasn’t achieving my goals because I didn’t strive for them. She had the same educational foundations as me. Sure, the school didn’t help but I didn’t help myself. I’m not saying that schools shouldn’t help because if they did, more people would plan for the future and succeed. But I should share some accountability for success as well.

That’s when I went into business for myself, making super zombies. My zombies were way better because they were imbued with intelligence (which for a zombie is slightly upbove your average Jersey Shore person). Unfortunately, the world domination plan fell through because now the zombies are all addicted to Dancing with the Stars and other reality TV. So I’m back to being a loser and writing blogs.

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15 Ways to Keep The Bachelorette Real

Yep....

They are all my one true love. I’m a sultan.

I like watching The Bachelorette for the same reasons that people probably watch COPS. People on a collision course with disaster created from their own poor life choices are entertainment. At least with COPS, there is a sense of honesty. The bad boys never really involve themselves in the illusion of reality like on The Bachelorette. Shows like The Bachelor and Ette use the premise of finding one true love as the driving factor of the show. Dating twenty five guys at the same time while going on dates most people can’t afford is the natural way to find true love. If we really wanted to make the show more realistic, I can think of plenty of ways.

1. Denny’s Dates – Let’s face it. Most of America can’t afford rooftop dining in Paris. Usually, ordering off the dollar menu is an extravagance.  So why not treat a lady real nice and get her a skillet?

2. Boring People – While Ette does usually gets this one down, it usually filters out the painfully boring. Where’s the tax consultant guy who thinks exciting news is a change in the tax code?

3. Gay People – I remember this girl from college who had almost every boyfriend come out of the closet after dating her. She didn’t know which was worse: being bad a girlfriend or a bad therapist. Where’s her man?

4. Travel to the Lake – They always travel to these really expensive out of reach for most of us places. What about completely in reach travel? Like the lake, with a folding chairs, and a six pack tied to string. You know… the lake!

5. Racist People – Where are all the people you thought were pretty cool then they opened their mouth?

6. Creepy Internet Guy – They really need a guy that sounds amazing on paper and then you meet him and you feel unclean for months. I think it’s more accurate to today’s dating world.

7. Backyard Pool – They always make it to a private island on some picturesque beach. A pool for toddlers is about as close as most people get. Of course a public pool that was a recently urinated by some kid will also suffice.

8. Clingy Guy – True story: A friend of mine had a guy drive her up to the mountains and threaten to throw himself from the cliff if she didn’t profess her love. Where’s that guy?

9. Psychotic Ex – They are always way amicable on the show. Where’s the ex that you later find has a shrine to you with a thousand photographs of you taken without your knowledge?

10. Boring Movie – If they really wanted to simulate reality, they should sit you down in a movie where you have to feign interest while your partner is going through an life changing transformation.

11. Awkward Blind Date – Another true story: I was on a blind date that was going so poorly, I had to call for a bale out in the bathroom. I swear we had like twenty-five trail off conversations.

12. Uncontrolled Drug Use – Heroin addicts share the needles of love.

13. Rollin Dice with the Homies – Most people can’t afford spontaneous trips to Vegas in private jets. So be it craps or slaying goblins, the producers should add more realistic dice activities.

14. Awkward Family Dates – Why wait for the final four? They should bring the families in on the third week.

15. Back Seat of Mom’s Car – Nothing beats the classics. So long as you get her home by 10 and don’t look her dad in the eye. Never look him in the eye.

The Dead Art of Channel Surfing

I am going to Ireland this weekend. So this blog will be put on hold for a while.  Last time I went to Europe, I wrote a piece about how to get kicked out of Europe. For Ireland, I figure I’d write about something I won’t being doing while I am there-watching TV.  With Hulu and Netflix, I never seem to lack something to view. But I can remember the days of owning cable with triple digit channels and nothing to watch. Here is all the television I’ll will not see while in Ireland. An ode to the dead art of channel surfing:

click.

Announcer: Hey kids! It’s that time again!

KIDS: Time for Uncle Happy’s Fun Land!

Uncle Happy stumbles out. Drunk.

Uncle: Fuck you. The bitch says that I owe child support! I fucking support kids all fucking day.

Kid One: Gee Whiz, You’re drunk again Uncle Happy.

Kid Two: That means it’s time for…

KIDS: Hide-the -FLASK! Yayyy!

The kids roar with laughter as they hide Uncle Happy’s flask.

Click.

Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before. Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before.

We are like the Groundhog’s Day of romantic comdies.

Tom Hanks: You know. I’m not really that attracted to you. I just don’t see what’s the big deal.

Meg Ryan: Shut up! You don’t have to be! I represent every woman!

Lzzy Hale: Not me.

Meg Ryan: I’m not talking to you! Now go and ponder about how the right one is out there and we will barely miss connecting until the end.

Tom Hanks: But we always do this! Can’t we do a different movie for a change?

Meg Ryan: No! Now go check your email.

Tom Hanks: But…

Meg Ryan: GO CHECK YOUR EMAIL!

click.

Chris Harrison: This week, the bachelor has sex with three different women within twenty four hours of each other in order to find his one true love.

The Bachelor: Life is so hard when you’re the bachelor!

Women: We have low self-esteem.

click.

It's just a neck rub... shut up.

This is actually a masturbation photograph. A real man’s penis fights back.

Rambo is chained to a wall and being tortured by cartel thugs. They punch him in the face while they talk.

Thug One: You know, I think you got a real shot at governor.

Rambo: You think so?

Thug Two: Arnold did it. Jesse Ventura did it. That’s like half the cast of Predator.

Thump! Bap!

Rambo: You have a point.

Thug One: It’s something to think about. Mull it over.

Thug Two: It’s an 80’s action star thing to do.

Thump! Wack!

Rambo: True.

Thug One: Very good, now get the red hot ass poker.

click.

Tom Hanks looks like he has been on a desert island. He talks to Wilson the volleyball in a grass hut.

Tom Hanks: You wouldn’t believe what I’ve had to do to get away from “you know who”.

There is a rustle outside. We hear Meg Ryan’s voice.

Meg Ryan: Tom? Is that you?

Tom Hanks: Shit. Cover for me!

Tom sneaks out the back. Meg walks in.

Meg Ryan: Have you seen Tom?

No response from Wilson. He’s just a volley ball.

Meg Ryan: What do you mean I just missed him! I told you to keep him busy.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Has anyone told you that you have such friendly eyes?

click.

A senator is at the podium.

I wonder if they have crazy hat day?

Ha! I said Boehner!

Senator: It’s a good thing that the public doesn’t watch C-SPAN, or they’d know about the bullshit that goes on around here. Am I right? Am I right? But seriously folks, it’s time for some business. Ever notice how New York and Chicago both claim to have the best pizza on the planet? If they could only make that claim about their football teams!

Newt Gringrich does a rimshot.

Senator: Thank you. Thank you! You are beautiful folks. So my girlfriend left me today…

click.

Gary Busey sits in the Governor’s office.

Celebrity governors are an untapped national resource.

Best governor ever… think about it

Gary Busey: I’m Gary Busey and I’m going to be your governor! The best fucking governor you’ve ever had.

Rambo enters, ready for office.

Rambo: But I was supposed to do that.

Meg Ryan: Don’t worry Wilson. The Governor will marry us. I love you Wilson, you’re just so obedient.

click.

Daryl Kicks the Crap Out of Chuck Norris

Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl on The Walking Dead, really needs his own Internet meme. So here are reasons why Daryl is way cooler than Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris can kill a man with his fist. Daryl can kill a man from fifty feet away with a cool stare.

2. Chuck Norris may have any lady. But face it, the ladies don’t want a man to pick them like they are a meatmarket product. They want a man that is emotionally distanced. Daryl won’t let anyone in so he’s a hard man to love. Ladies love that shit!

3. Chuck Norris only has fists. Daryl as a crossbow. Punching out undead. Usually not the best choice. Crossbow. Silent and doesn’t alert the other undead.

4. Chuck Norris may be able kick ass all day and make love all night. Daryl can track all day. Kick ass all night. Then emotionally distance himself making himself way more desirable than a “hit and quit it” guy.

5. Chuck Norris is a beat stick. The only stick you’ll see from Daryl is the arrow sticking from your chest.

6. When he was a child, Daryl survived in the wild for nine days on his own. Chuck Norris grew up in Torrance, California.

7. Chuck Norris survived “The Forgotten War”. Daryl survived the zombie apocalypse.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t give up on his students like Priscilla Presley. Daryl spent days in the zombie infested wild searching for a girl he didn’t even know that well.

9. Chuck Norris wrote a book called The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems. Daryl solutions to problems involve a crossbow.

10. Daryl Versus Chuck Norris. Chuck wouldn’t make it a foot before taking a crossbow to the face.

The Under Analyst

I have an addiction. It’s not easy for me to admit but I want to do so in front of my family and friends. I’m watching The Bachelor. Seek help. Check into a clinic. I know. But you see, I can quit anytime. Like I have been for the last couple of seasons. *Sob* I’m only a social The Bachelor watcher…

But seriously, there is something strangely addictive about that show. Sure, there are some shallow vapid people that make you question the value of humanity… but somehow I can’t stop watching. It’s like a plane had crashed outside my house and I can do nothing but keep looking out the window to see what happens next.

For those cultured enough to be unfamiliar with the premise, the show has 25 women trying to marry one guy. Then an other show follows the first where 25 men try to marry one woman called The Bachelorette. The latter is the funniest one because guys have a tendency to be way more ridiculous in competition for the affection of a lady. It’s just as much of a plane crash as the first one but it’s a funny plane crash.

And the very premise is what brings forth the humor. Comedy breeds in people that take themselves way too seriously. People are ludicrous, especially when they display their peacock feathers for dating purposes. For example, there is a woman named Jenna, who writes for a blog called The Over Analyst. While she claims to over analyze everything, she really doesn’t analyze anything in her blog (really, three line posts that say nothing remotely close to analysis) and can’t even articulate a coherent thought while on the show (the show does involve rampant drinking which may add to inability). Then there was a guy with a mask. Yep, he wore a mask for many episodes and it wasn’t even a Guy Fawkes (which would have been cool in a nerdy way). I could go on but the list of strange things people do to attract mates is abundant and layers an element of comedy to the show.

I think the reason why I watch the show is really because I can see my dating life unfold. Or at least my lack thereof. Each episode unpacks the reasons for why I had a terrible and limited dating experience. I never really dated at all. I certainly wanted too but I was pretty terrible at understanding women. For example, when a women in her twenties wants you to put the moves on her, she will get you alone. I didn’t know this so in my undergraduate years there this woman that I really liked. And here are my three mistakes, all in the course of one party I threw while my parents were out of town (sorry mom, that is of course why the step was broken):

1. She got me alone in my room. Noticed my guitar and asked me to teach her to play the guitar. So I taught her how to play E minor. Seriously that’s it. I didn’t even do the wrap my hands around her move. I pointed to the strings.

2. Then she lured me alone in the basement and saw that I had Legos. So we played with Legos. I made a race car.

3. Finally, she “happened” to be in the garage with me. I stood awkwardly.

For men with more knowledge than myself, she was screaming to make out with me. For me, I was wondering, does she like me? Maybe I should ask her to coffee? The garage is pretty cold. She said she was cold. Maybe I should take her inside where it’s warm.

So that was my dating life… many many sad tales like the one above. And thus we come to reasons why The Bachelor somehow captures what it’s like to date. The men are clueless and make terrible decisions. For example, the men seem to go for the more sexually aggressive women that usually end up being the terrible choice. But looking back to my dating years, I probably would have made the same terrible choices. If she had kissed me instead of trying to play an E minor, I would have kissed her back.

Now the inverse in The Bachelorette is true as well. The women end up making terrible decisions because they fall for the wrong guys. Almost every season has a man that makes me realize, you’re that guy that gives men a bad name! I’ve done this before. While you brag about the break up one liner to your friends, I console her while she wistfully gazes into the night knowing deep down there is something there in your soul when in reality it’s a cesspool.  I never understood why the cesspool soul men always got the women while the guys that cared or at least made an effort to care always seemed like an after thought.

I realize the answer to this question is the very reason why The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are entertaining to watch. People don’t really communicate with each other (my guitar lesson would have ended very differently had we communicated our desire). My wife finds the guitar lesson story amusing. As she puts it, we both went home with more self confidence issues that night. And it’s way easier to let someone else make the decisions for you. And when one person is making the decisions (such as the sexually aggressive female or the cesspool man), it’s easy to get hurt when they make a decision that doesn’t have your best interest at heart. They were making selfish decisions in the first place. Why should it change after an established relationship?

At least the comedy will continue. The contestant is after all looking for true love… while making out with multiple people a week… even having sex with three people in a row (yep, the top three have the option of a private room)… that’s true love… at least in the Steven Tyler sense of the word.

WWMPD?

My wife and I finished watching the entirety of the X-Files. One episode featured shirtless Mitch Pileggi, who was surprisingly buff underneath the doofy balding boss exterior. His character, Skinner, was that fifties-nerd-looking-character, while sans shirt, who became a Vin Diesel type action hero, with plenty of chest hair. Bear in mind that the shaven male chest is a relatively new idea of sexy. The chesty scruff look ruled supreme and even made it into the nineties. Commander Riker sported the enchanted forest look. Chest hair is the symbol of a manly man: The man that stands in front of a tsunami and says, “Take your best shot.” (The chest hair actually softens the blow.)

While most people don’t think of Mitch Pileggi as a sex symbol and a man’s man, my wife and I certainly do. We know he’s a man of action. That’s why, throughout the series, we kept saying, “WWMPD?” What Would Mitch Pileggi Do? He is a tough but caring man, combining the might of Chuck Norris combined with the fatherly wisdom of Morgan Freeman. He’d kill a man with his thumbs and cry a single tear. He had to do it, but it will be his burden to carry. He’ll carry it with dignity.

If you think we are weird now, look at us while we watch television (expect don’t because that would be creepy). For Mulder, we imagined that he spent the entire series looking for the ultimate stick ball field. Imagine Felicia and I in childlike New York accents saying, “Remember me? It’s Old Muldey! We used to play stick ball together!” My personal favorite is when Mulder was running around on the docks and my wife said, “You can’t play stick ball there! The ball will go in the water!”

The joke is never as funny explaining it the second time around. While I giggle to myself writing the Old Muldey dialogue, you are probably thinking of ways to distract me so you can call mental health. You wouldn’t be the first. My wife has many moments like these. When I find something funny, even if I’m the only one, I can’t stop laughing at it. For example, I have an IMDB profile. Most people that have pursued film at one point or another will have one. My actor friends use it for pictures and resumes. As a writer, I never really bothered to upload my picture. After careful thought, I wanted to upload a photoshop my friend did of me:

Mad Eye Aaron

SWM, likes long walks on the beach that end in slaying Death Eaters, keeps constant vigilance

I couldn’t stop laughing. The thought that a viewer would click on one of the writers of Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer and see that shining face that almost ended my life — twice. The first end would be from lack of air during the barrage of laughter. The second end would be from my wife’s bemusement turned to irritation. My brain went into overdrive. I imagined myself attending film conventions, collecting the morning newspaper, and even out in public sipping coffee and eating a scone all while dressed like Mad Eye. Wouldn’t that be brilliant? People think, this is just a silly picture but in reality, it’s the guy, the Mad Eye Guy!

Losing it with laughter isn’t what Mitch Pileggi would actually do. I imagine him to be a stoic figure with eyes that display slight pity, disdain, and the gentle grace of a father that knows his wayward child will come back one day. Of course, Mitch Pileggi doing any of these things would only make me laugh even more. The heart of comedy, at least for me, involves anyone who takes themselves way too seriously and slightly exaggerating their behavior.

WWMPD is a manifestation of that concept. My wife and I really thought this one out (considering we had nine seasons to think of it). We were going to make a website, featuring pictures of Mitch, write fake bios, and even post scenarios in the raving fan boy voice to apply the WWMPD phrase. We ended up doing none of the above. That’s not to say we wouldn’t do something silly — I am one of the guys that tried to sell his roommate on Ebay:

It’s just that some silliness is way better in the mind than out in public. Humor strikes and leaves the victim with an endorphin high and slight disorientation (sometimes leaving the “why was I laughing at that again?” thought). Maybe a comic moment happens more because the person laughing needs that release or some other physiological response. Either way, the act of inflexible seriousness seems to want that release. It is as though the person, who is too serious all the time, needs to laugh, so people like me laugh for people who can’t (or who have too much of a stick up their ass to) laugh for themselves. But that’s how I’ve always been. I’d rather fart in a prestigious person’s general direction and have a laugh about it than give myself cramps from clenching.