A Terror Dictator’s Guide to Mindfulness

I’m experimenting with doing something new. I’ve always wanted to write a comedy self-help book. Here’s is the introduction and the first chapter. If you want to see this project happen, consider supporting me on patreon.


As totalitarianism and authoritarian leadership have become increasingly mainstream, more and more people are actively seeking resources for total domination of segments of the population under their thumb. Managers, CEOs, and even Presidents can use these practices to terrorize their subjects into compliance. Whether you are seeking to put your kid brother in his rightful place or require swaths of people to quake at your very presence, this guide is intended for anyone who needs a little more terror in their life.

There are a lot of books out there that claim to have all the answers for all the up incoming terror dictators of the world, but they lack depth and the experience of a ruler of his own regime. I’m Kim Jong-Hannity, (no relation to the dictator or American TV personality), and I’ve been lord of my own country for eight years. Back in 2012, I played one of my compatriots, Kim Jong-un, in a game of high stakes poker. I won complete control over one of the provinces of North Korea. It’s been my own country ever since.

When I took control of the province and renamed it Hannityville, it was in poor shape. People were whispering rebellious thoughts, black markets extoling capitalist pigdog virtues were everywhere, and worst of all, they were watching South Korean media. I couldn’t walk anywhere without hearing Gangnam Style, so I had anyone caught watching the video dragged out to the street and shot, along with people listening to Friday, the Hampster Dance, Yatta, What Does the Fox Say, and other viral sensations.

Needless to say, citizens got in line pretty quickly, and now I want to share all my secrets to a successful totalitarian dictatorship that you can incorporate into your lives. I was recently giving a FRED talk (Firearms, Radical Extermination, Design) about the power of positive thinking while torturing political prisoners, and a big American CEO came up to me and said. “That’s a great speech Kim, but we can no longer water board in the US anymore.”

And I said, “Who has to know about it?”

He then responded about his board of directors, to which I chided him for not firebombing at least one board of director’s house per year, so they know who is really in charge. Americans have gotten really weak. Stupid American President sits down at this desk all day tweeting threatening messages. Whereas, I don’t make threats. I take swift, decisive action and teach my citizens the value of strong rule. He talks a big game, but they still listen to Baby Shark in America.

The idea for this book started years ago when I went to Osama bin Laden Summer Camp as a teenager. My mom was one of the few Asian Islamic extremists, and my dad was the only surviving member of the Jim Jones cult (he bought a Hawaiian Punch in town and didn’t realize it was a suicide party until too late). I grew up in Equatorial Guinea where I learned a hard day’s work and human rights abuses was all you needed to keep the population in control. Because of my diverse background studying totalitarianism with dictators throughout the world, I realize that crushing your enemies and drinking their blood isn’t just for Vikings, it’s for everyone.

Now for the first time, I’ve collected different terror dictator tactics in one handy to use guidebook that anyone can understand. It helps if you have tanks, missiles, biological and nuclear weaponry, and a playlist of earworms. Trust me when I said that I am the only one in Hannityville who can play Baby Shark, usually through a loudspeaker, during a siege of political dissidents.

Even if you don’t have your own secret police, you can get something out of this book. My deepest intention is to make these practices accessible to anyone even people in a wheelchair. They can run over someone’s foot, and do it again until they shape behavior of the person into who they want them to be. People are too busy finding themselves, when you can make them who you want them to be.

All the terror dictators, fascist leaders, cult head priests, presidents for life, terrorists organizations, and even boy band managers have given me their secrets to success over the years. After that ill-fated poker day, North Korea’s loss became my gain, and I got to put all those practices into use. My hope is you can use this book as your own blueprint, and you can take total-control over your life, as well as all the people around you.

With a little direction, we all have the potential to become a totalitarian dictator. Even if you never get to play Kim Jong-un for a chance at another one of his provinces, I hope you can incorporate this into your daily practices to live a richer, fuller life. Though if you do get a chance to play Kim Jong-un at poker, he is not as good at bluffing as you think he’d be.

Totalitarianism 101

When I was fourteen years-old, my father gave me a used playboy with the pages stuck together. He told me that it should occupy me until I could go to college because there wasn’t much dating opportunity in Equatorial Guinea. At the time I was struggling with depression and realized that I felt better when I pulled the wings off of flies or swung rodents around in sacks. I even used the rolled up magazine on the family dog.

I had realized that words were powerful but didn’t really understand the full power of them until I had witness my first North Korean march. My parents were globe trotters when I was young. We went to Iran, North Korea, Columbia, Libya and all sorts of wonderful places with great food. All of them had one thing in common, their propaganda machines were in full production.

It was evident in that trip to North Korea. All the marching armies, gigantic missiles, and color coordinated dancers were all praising their great leader. The movies in theaters and even songs they sang to their children were in service of the great regime. There were even Kim Jong-il approved ice cream flavors.

I took it one step further. All Happy Meals served in Hannityville have action figures in likeness of me. I star in every film. You guessed it, I even sing in my own rock-country band that appeals to the working class man and still regales me as the supreme leader. I didn’t just approve the ice creams. I am the ice cream flavors. My favorite is triple-choco-Hannity explosion, but don’t worry other flavors still exist too, you must give the people some sense of choice in life even if it is a sham.

Here are the Nine Aspects of Successful Terror Dictators you can start using now if an employee has the audacity to ask you for a raise. Remember party loyalty is the reward in itself. They should be happy you don’t handcuff them to a pipe in the company basement for the weekend because of the insubordination.

  1. BE FULLY PRESENT. This takes a lifetime to master, but you can take control and be mindful of your surroundings in small subtle ways. For example, if you are about to eat a Snickers bar, make your top general take a bite instead because someone could be trying to poison you. You will fall right into the trap if you willy-nilly stuff chocolate into your gullet. You are smarter that your would-be usurper. If the general says that he is allergic to peanuts, you force the candy bar into his mouth with a gun to his head. While he tearfully begs for mercy for his family, you remind him that there are camps for people like that. You watch the life drain from his eyes only confirming your suspicion about the chocolate bar. Only later you realize that it may have just been anaphylactic shock because of the time the general got sick from a Reese’s and ask Alexa to put more Snickers bars on your shopping list.
  • RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS. Stupid American President doesn’t understand this one and gets butt sore every time someone calls him a bad name. One day my hairdresser was making fun of me, and I put her head on a pike in front of the capitol building (I learned that from boy genius Joffrey). She had the audacity to say that pompadours weren’t very dignified haircuts. I said, “Are you kidding me! Elvis had all these screaming girls under his sway.” Then I had my new general do her in. Get it? I spun on words. Do her in. Like hairdo.
  • Don’t Be Judgmental. This one is pretty hard to learn. I am part of #BACHELORNATION (remember rule #3 and my bioweapons research program). Sometimes I would see the Bachelorette falling for the wrong guy, and I would scream at the TV, “No, he is only there for his music career! You should cut a finger off for each time he lied to you!” But, then they see through the lies and turn out to be a strong women worthy of a terror dictator partner in life. I have not heard back about the assassins I have sent after Clare Crawley’s suitors.


  • CHANGE IT UP. This one is hard, especially for a good friend of mine cartel hitman Juan Pablo “Dedos” Fring. Dedos got his name because he would take a finger as a trophy from all of his victims, but that’s boring to do the same thing every day. You think American CIA would have more tricks than waterboarding. Come on guys, you are the most powerful country in the world. I am proud to say that Hannityville’s gulag, not only has the classics like sleep deprivation, waterboarding, and music torture, but I also get all my generals together for these idea sessions where we have had several novel breakthroughs. We put into action all sorts of exciting new ideas including electric eels, psychotic clowns, reenactments of every single way a Game of Thrones character has died, several bond villain contraptions that the stupid British MI6 agent escapes every time, and a kitten room (mostly for members of the minority party allergic to cats).
  • Make Sure You Have You Time. Godlike leaders of the world don’t carve out enough time for themselves. Whether you are punishing people for their thought crimes or singing with the adoring public who are sentenced with death if they don’t sing the bah, bah, bah part of Sweet Caroline with you at the ball game, being an important figure takes a lot out of you and that doesn’t even include the time we found real unicorn bones, unlike ahem, North Korea, who made it all up. I had to spend all day at a press conference. Sometimes, I have to tell myself. It’s okay to have a glass of wine and watch the Great British Baking show on Netflix.
  • View the World Through the Eyes of a Child. Children view the world like everything is new. They haven’t had the great disappointments in life like finding out Hannibal Lecter isn’t real or that Noriega was setup by the CIA. Or even when their father leaves them to join that stupid Heaven’s Gate cult. He also survived that one too because he bought a pudding cup at the gas station before they committed mass suicide to ascend to the UFO spaceship overhead. He didn’t even return my calls after that. On second thought, don’t see the world through the eyes of a child. Being a child sucks.
  • Propaganda, Propaganda, Propaganda. Every supreme leader for life needs a robust media engine. I personally use TikTok, but I know stupid American President uses Twitter. That’s a big mistake, who even had time to read anymore (except my book because you’ll make yourself better)? Make sure you choose a good theme song for your event. I personally use Bon Jovi’s Living on Prayer for state functions. Unless it’s a Death to AmericaTM event then I used The Final Countdown by Europe. Most of my TikTok videos are Shakira.
  • Find beauty in simplicity. Sometimes after burning a small village to the ground, you go through a crisis of faith. You wonder, am I really a supreme being on Earth meant to lead a glorious empire? What if there are no more small farming communities that are obviously plotting rebellion? This can’t be all there is to life. But then you find the sweet round faces of the village children staring up at you from under the floor boards of the elder’s house, and you realize that their delicate little fingers can polish the inside of ammo casings in your munitions factory. Life is beautiful. You just have to look in the places you’d least expect. Like the floor boards.
  • Your Mind is Your Friend. You ever hear the phrase, “you’re your own worst enemy.” That’s completely flat out wrong, let me assure you. Your worst enemy is the crooked media outlets that depict Hannityville as anything but the paradise on Earth that it is. I even invited stupid New York Times reporter to my country, and she didn’t want to go on the official tour. I had paid good money to hire the country’s most talented actors to pretend like they are mothers out with their babies and a group of teenagers playing football (the one you play with your foot stupid American). But no, she wanted to see the internment camps. I was like, “Dude, you are totally going to miss this part coming up where a bus full of nuns crashes, teetering on the edge of a cliff, and I save them.”

Now that we’ve laid the ground work for a successful dictatorship. Further chapters will explain secrets that will change your life. Mine is certainly better now that I’ve incorporated the practices in this book. A lot of my fellow despots have trouble sleeping at night because they are afraid of assassins, the CIA overthrowing their government, and even people talking bad about them on Twitter. I sleep soundly, especially after I started taking these chewy melatonin from Costco. They put me out.

The point is that my country is running smoothly, and I don’t even have to complain about the liberal media because I control all the media in my country. Stupid American media is a different story. I hate those guys. The point is that it doesn’t keep me up at night because I practice the steps in this book.

The keyword there is practice. Populations aren’t going to terrorize themselves. You only get the rewards if you put in the effort, and perhaps take them from people with less power than you. Keep in mind that it’s a work in progress. I am still learning, even today. I was going to execute this man because he spilled mustard on his shirt that has a likeness of me on it (I’m silhouetted like Che Guevara. It’s very cool). But then I realized, he was wearing a t-shirt with my face on it. He was honoring me, so I told him to take it off before I shot him.

If you want to be like me, and have total control over your life (and all the people around you), then you’re going to need to really practice all the lessons in the book. Maybe consider setting up a studio where you can buckle down and really dive into it. Or better yet, maybe seize a yoga studio. Be careful that they don’t have swords rolled up in those mats. I heard that yogi masters are pretty much like Warrior Nun on Netflix. That’s such an amazing series. I’m going to have to start my own religion, so I can have my own warrior nuns.

The Robin Hood of Couches is on Audible

The Robin Hood of Couches on Audible

If you are like me, you love audio books. I listen to them in the car, when I work out, wash dishes, clean the house, and just about everywhere I can pack in an audiobook. I have good news for you audiobookphiles. The Robin Hood of Couches is now on audible! And better yet, the narrator agreed to do the entire Tuners Trilogy, so stayed tuned for that (haha, tuned, get it?).

Reese investigates corporate fraud and discovers some joker has been giving away free couches to the needy, because when a person can no longer afford the subscription service fees, all their furniture disappears. The bearer of sofas ends up in a ditch when blunt force trauma snuffs out the poor’s best chance of not living in an empty room their whole life. Reese rolls up his sleeves. Time to get to work.

Dark by Paul Arvidson

In other news, check out a buddy of mine, Paul Arvidson, his book, Dark, is on audible too and just came out! Give it a listen and write a review about what you think. Here’s the description: In the strange labyrinth of pipes on the planet called Dark, things are falling apart. Dun doesn’t want to be a hero, he just wants to find an answer to the terrifying dreams he’s been having. But the answers, the real answers, are going to take him places he’s never imagined and tear him from the only home he’s ever known.

Time Burrito 2: The Bison Agenda

While Time Burrito 2 is far from complete, I couldn’t wait to share the cover art with you. It is just as ridiculous as the first book. Take a look:


One word: Amazing.

Get an exclusive Patreon only edition by pledging now. Don’t wait for the book to come out, by then it will be too late!

BTW, the Tuners Trilogy is only $2 for a limited time only. The first book is free!

Also, grab Othello and Zombies for free while you can!

With Great Burrito Comes Great Responsibility… Again.

I’ve been putting off writing a Time Burrito sequel for years now. Clara and Misako burst into Pete’s life in the final chapter to herd him away into another nutty time travel adventure. I ended the first one that way because I didn’t want the story to end, but needed something. So I did what musicians are famous for doing when they don’t want the song to end. They fade out the music.

My wife and I saw a rock concert in someone’s living room once. It was somebody famous, but not so famous that the guy wouldn’t happen to play in somebody’s living room. I mean we saw the same guy (Chris Trapper, if you’re curious) in a cafe with maybe about fifty people munching away on food while he put on the show.

Admittedly, Chris Trapper wasn’t someone I heard of before I met my wife. I was into heavy metal, classic rock, and generally what you’d expect from the dorky white kid with an afro and a Slayer tee-shirt in his high school year book. But suffice to say, I’ve become a Chris Trapper fan, not just because he wrote the song that we danced to at our wedding (coincidentally, he played it at that living room concert, a surreal experience). I became a fan because of his story telling and comedy while on stage. A concert by him feels like you are at a friend’s house hearing a little jokes, some stories, and music.

Back to the living room concert. While he played one of the songs, he told us that he was going to fade the music. He did it by strumming his acoustic guitar lighter and lighter until the melody drifted away. While he did it, he told us that he likes to think that the song is still out there, playing somewhere.

The idea of the music still going on, but we just happen to move away from it has stuck with me so much that when I enjoy writing a story, such as I did with Time Burrito, I don’t want it to end, but would like to think that Pete, Clara, Misako, Unk, and Lion are still out there, going on adventures.

Clearly, other people did too. This has been my most requested sequel. Even more than Atmospheric Pressure 3, which I’ll get too! Promise! So, I’d like to say, I am breaking ground on it. The process of writing has begun. You will get Time Burrito 2. In the meantime, if you haven’t read Time Burrito. Now’s your chance, it’s free.

If financial support is in the cards for you, consider a patreon donation for early access, or just go purchase Atmospheric Pressure 2 while it’s 99 cents for a limited time.

Last but not very least, a lot of what I do is supported by fellow authors, and I want to take some time to highlight one of them. If you can, please support her too. Folks without the backing of a major publisher only exist because of you. Catherine Greenall is a fellow Sci Fi author and is reducing the price of one of her books for a short period of time. Here is the information:

qdAs the world battles a powerful disease, one scientist must fight grotesque creatures to find the truth. If he fails, he’ll doom humanity itself. If you like zombie apocalypse, global conspiracy and intelligently written fiction then you’ll love Catherine Greenall’s shocking book.

On sale here for a limited time!

Teristaque Chronicles 8: Sarge’s Secret

sci-fi scene.Alien ship invading night city,illustration paintingMy next story has been a long time coming. I published the first Teristaque Chronicle back in December of 2014. At the time, I had no clue what I was doing with writing, publishing, or anything. All I knew was that I had a story to tell, and I’ve been letting it unfold for years since then.

The tale I am here to share with you today was conceived while I was writing Kal’s Fall. The only reason it took me six years to write was because I didn’t realize how Makiuarnek fit in Kal’s past until recently. With this series, I wanted to create a blend of episodic space opera that dealt with the problem of the day but was all connected to each other. I knew that every character would eventually become front and center for a book of their own, even if Kal’s journey was the main through line of the series.

I also knew that I wanted Makiuarnek to be a person who thinks they are doing the right thing. Too often, villains are portrayed as monsters driven by a demonic evil that compels them to commit atrocities. Whereas I believe that the real life monsters, the dictators murdering and locking up their people and so forth, are just people who have belief systems that harm other people.

I saw this documentary that stuck with me. They interviewed Hitler’s secretary. While Hitler is indisputably the classic model of an evil villain, he was still a person despite being misguided. His secretary told stories about how he would black out the windows of his limo and plan routes through the city so he wouldn’t have to see the destruction first hand. During his final days, he said that because the Germans had lost the war, women would be raped and people murdered. In short, Hitler thought he was doing the right thing.

The idea has stuck with me. People aren’t inherently evil, but are convinced by either themselves or others to do evil acts because they believe their influence on the world will be positive. I try to write most of my villains with that premise in mind. I feel that idea explains so much in why we have a lot of the problems we have today. Imagine a planet where the media, your leaders, your co-workers, everyone you encounter say that’s a bad place. The aliens there do bad things. Now imagine you’re sent into that area armed with a deadly weapon. I can see how a person might overreact and gun down a villager.

If I were to wave my magic wand and fix the world, I’d send the armed individuals trained for combat into the places where an armed response was required (like terrorists swarming a hotel for example). However, for the drunk guy asleep in his car, I’d send the social worker, the addiction counselor, or maybe even an ex-addict themselves who’s been there. The point is that sending guys with guns is like using a hammer for every situation. Sometimes, you need the screwdriver, sandpaper, or maybe just a shop vac to get the desired result.

With the Teristaque Chronicles, I’ve been telling the story how Makiuarnek thinks that he is not only doing the right thing, but believes that the hammer is the best approach. In turn, that use of force shapes our lead character Kal. In this story, we finally get answers to some questions that have been seeded ever since story one. We are going to find out what happened with Sarge and Makiuarnek back before Kal was born when they first touched down on Nigramoto. We are also going to see what Sarge was doing when he met Kal back in Kal’s Fall, and how it might not be what you thought it was.

Enjoy, and thank you for being a part of my writing journey.

You can pick up your copy here.