To Explore Strange New Worlds; and Outsource Them.

The technological rhino will charge into the future regardless of who is on board. NASA was taken off the rhino in favor of business taking over the space exploration enterprise. I come from the SpaceCamp generation where NASA was full of brave explorers, like the children they blasted into the sky when a small robot learned how to love, or even the kids that made a spaceship out of a trash can. Anything was possible! Now that era of brave exploration will be replaced by status meetings, sales incentives, and advertising gimmicks, corporations will pioneer the next wave of space travel.

The corporate space movement will be different. For example when Captain Kirk chucks the rulebook to finish off a hostile alien being with a double fist crack to the head, he will be subject to disciplinary action and retraining sessions. He will be subsequently fired after a sexual harassment claim from a blue woman. The video from R2D2 will show a rebel alliance time share advertisement. The name Starbuck is years of litigation.

The impact of the privatization of space will complicate the notion of adventure. For example, let’s say Adama needs to make a tough decision, like to blow a suspected Cylon agent out of the airlock. He will need to run the decision by the board. The directors will then request a  marketing report on how to include teenage girls in the process, who make a large percentage of the mobile market share. Meanwhile the Cylon agent will be running a highly successful bagel business, (the bagels are really explosives). The board’s decision will result in the search for a musically inclined man who really wants to be loved, but screwed up and will fix it by writing a song about his one true love.  While the man sings under her window, the entire fleet will blow up after a board member brings cream cheese to the next meeting. (During the bagel fiasco, Adama is making his next tough decision, like whether he wants to see Toy Story 3 in 3d. I mean it could be cool in 3d, but it might be just as good at the dollar theater. He already saw Avatar in 3d but that was one of those movies you watch for the effects so maybe he should save the money. But then again, he did enjoy the first two. He does have Buzz Lightyear in his locker…)

Corporate take over of the space industry will also complicate the idea of seeking strange new worlds. Imagine outsourcing alien workers. Usually when we call customer service we expect cultural and language differences from outsourced employees. Species differences could cause problems for callers. For example the Borg are brief, efficient and a highly accurate race. Sounds great for employing in our call centers.

Man: Um, how many minutes have I used?

Borg: Minutes are futile. We will upgrade you to extended plus.

Man: Um, I don’t really use my cell phone that much…

Borg: Resistance is futile! You will also take the Nokia upgrade.

Man: But I…

Borg: We will transfer you for more information on how to improve your credit score.

Man: But…

Borg: Your credit will be assimilated! Into a seven hundred score.

Instead of NASA being the symbol of space exploration and human ingenuity, we will have a copyrighted logo to look at when we daydream about the stars. But before we can do any daydreaming, we’ll need to pay a subscription fee or watch commercials. Usually the free star gazing involves highly targeted marketing, like for example if I were a boy wanting to command a spaceship, I would receive a three minute ad with several females talking about a ring that will eliminate my need to take pills! As a boy, I hate it when my mom makes me take vitamins so I think I’m going to ask my doctor about this ring.

The USB World of Avatar

The most striking moment in the movie Avatar is the realization that all the aliens, plants, and wildlife on the planet (Pandora) are apparently USB compatible. They simply need to jack themselves into a dinosaur butterfly and off they go whisking freely through the skies. I categorize this idea as one that won’t change the world because really think about a USB interfaced world. Let’s say my home is a Mac but I plan to put a Dell tree in my front yard because I think it’s pretty. For the same reason my Motorola phone does not sync with Itunes, I don’t think a Dell tree would function in my front yard. Maybe I will install windows on my house. Even if I did have a windows house, the tree will most likely show up as giant yellow question mark rather than a tree.

The real trouble is when we start using the butterfly dinosaurs for transportation. I’d rather not find out that I need to update my drivers after I am flattened against a mountain top. Unlike the ecologically balanced world in Avatar, USB cables for life on Earth seems like a bad idea. Think about what would happen if chickens and cows gained access to social networking. There would be events on Facebook to rise up against the chicken oppressors. Imagine cows stampeding the farmers on command after a Twitter, or even worse cows watching fat kids fall down on You Tube. Internet access for farm animals could be catastrophic.

Probably the worst part of animals with internet access is the resurgence of unsung animal heroes such as Lamp Chop’s Play Along. There will be probably a made for TV special that dramaticly tracks Lamp Chop’s rise to stardom, then forced by the evil talent agent / puppet lover to take humiliating names such as Lamp Chop.  Historical movies will be affected too, with movies about the cow that started the Chicago fire from the cow’s perspective. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will no longer be cool because they aren’t really turtles! Unlike world of Avatar ours isn’t ready for USB compatibility at least not until we learn how to balance our world. And by balance our world I mean cease all production on further Bring It On sequels. You figure we would have figured it out after Rocky 15.

The Manly Bathroom

Felicia’s (my fiancé) dad (Mike) cut (sawed) a (an indefinite article) hole (a void in the space time continuum) through (a preposition) our (OURS NOT YOURS, QUIT BEING SO SELFISH!) living room (we die if we exit the room, it’s very inconvenient) and (a conjunction) kitchen (the place where we have Wolfgang Puck tied up and forced into servitude, I mean… the place where we… um… have carrots. Lots of carrots.). In case you missed that first sentence, we have a pass through from our kitchen to our living room cut by Felicia’s dad. Not only did the pass through open up the kitchen but should ninjas attack while say for example, I am cooking carrots, I have an opening for a quick black flip to freedom.

I learned that a pass through is traditionally from the dining room to the kitchen. The food is passed through the kitchen to the dining room. The concept of a pass through can be used for many purposes like for example in the bathroom. Picture this, you’re in the bathroom after a cheeseburger eating contest, you set down Guns & Ammo and reach for the toilet paper. Empty! You reach into the cabinet, fifteen extra tubes of Tolnaftate cream, Old Spice, and that pizza you lost last week. None of those will be able to take a man like you. Waddling to the doorway, you call into the house “Honey, I need more shit catchers!”

“Why don’t you call it toilet paper?” Your wife inquires.

“I am a man’s man dear! I use shit catchers, brush my teeth with steel wool, and cut my hair with a buzz saw.”

Then of course you have to stand in the doorway, pants down, waiting for the toilet paper roll. Not very manly.

Imagine that transaction with a bathroom pass through. You put down Guns & Ammo, and yell “Honey, I need more shit catchers.”

Minutes later, a roll comes flying through the bathroom pass through. You catch it and weep remembering that touchdown you made in high school. Seventy five yards to fame baby. Yeah that’s manly alright. Because the bathroom pass through is a very manly concept. The house doesn’t tell you what to do, you tell the house what to do.

Apple a Day Keeps the Hell Hound At Bay

My fiancé and I were talking about an apple. (We live exciting lives, you should see us talk about our pets, or better yet make up lyrics about our pets). She only ate the top half of the apple. When my eyes inquired about the bottom half, she said, “That was the apple I took home from work. That part is bruised.”

To which I replied, “Have you been abusing your apple again?”

She mimed smacking the apple and said, “Go make me a pie.”

I realized that telling an apple to make you a pie is really sadistic. I had a visual image of an apple cutting a slice out of itself for apple pie. Which of course is another idea that will not change the world: Apples that make pies out of themselves. In order to cut pieces out of themselves they would have to be pretty tough, hard core apples. I’m picturing the cage fighter that looses a limb and keeps going. Although that probably wouldn’t work because they would spit at you and say, “Make your own damn pie.”

They would have to be the fruit equivalent of lemmings. Ready to jump into the pie. Merely raising the apples won’t be enough. We need to worry about the well being of the apples. They will be trapped in a fruit basket all day. We’ll need to create free range apple farms, were the apples can run and play with each other. A sort of appalooza if you will… This post has been truncated by the council for safe punning. Remember kids, in the event of a pun or total nuclear annihilation, duck and cover! We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

…and that’s why I will start my own apple petting zoo.

The First One

I am starting this blog because A. I am a Humor Writer. B. I have a lot of ideas. C. None of them are very good.

Now before I get to the first post, you may have seen some of my comedy before. For example, a feature movie called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer. Or a blog called Bunny Droppings. Maybe even you read one of my grammatical train wreck books (not that I promise any better in this blog!) Free Advice: Just Add Money, or Porn Free Bibles. Or more then likely I know you and I told you about this blog. If you like it, please tell others. I like the attention.

Topics of this blog will cover all sorts of ideas that will not change the world and whatever else I feel like writing about.

The first idea is one I thought about over breakfast. Our cat, Marty, loves to look out of the window but will never go outside. He detests being in the outside world so much that when we put him in the back yard, he thinks of nothing more then ways to gain entry into the house. The pet door is merely another window for him to stare at. We know he understands the concept of the pet door, because the dog will barrel past him during household reentry.

For the great deal of time Marty spends staring at the outside world, I figure he should have a travel guide for cats. For example:

“The south window is an excellent place to stare at the neighborhood. Occainsionally a bird or two may swoop…”


“Be sure to check out all the branches of the tree on the North Window. Smalls animals love to climb…”

and finally…

“The little table in the kitchen is excellent place to grab a bite to eat. There is a bowl that is always refilled by the curly haired man. If budget is a concern this place costs nothing. The living room sometimes produces treats but you will have to meow for those.”