What Would the Aliens Think?

I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.

A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.

Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.

Your all-American super dad steps out.

Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.

A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.


All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.

Hostess: Say something.

Host: What?

Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!

Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?

The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.

Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.

Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.

Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.

Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!

Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.

Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.

Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?

Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.

Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!

Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.

Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.

Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.

All: Brandon Lee!

Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.

Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.

Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.

Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!

“You Are Here” and Billions of potentially habitable stars dodged that life bullet.

I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:

Or perhaps this:

Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.

We Need Just a Liter or Six

Last night was like a Doctor Who episode. My students were called out of the classroom to help the medical assisting students practice their blood drawing skills. Of course, my school really is a career college and not an alien plot to experiment on human test subjects… right? RIGHT?

The cast

When I see one of these folks running down the halls at my school, I’ll know…

Aside from the fact that a civilization advanced enough for interstellar space flight experimenting on a civilization that has barely left their solar system is rather silly.  Aliens really don’t need subterfuge to experiment on the public. All they really need is to make a reality television show.

People really will do anything to be on television. I’d imagine there will be droves of volunteers for shows like “What’s my Radiation Tolerance?”, “All Your Internal Organs Are Showing”, and “Human Centipede Big Brother”. People do really strange things for free without being on television. What if the aliens could guarantee that they would be streamed by millions of viewers?

Imagine a school. Wired with cameras. Aliens lurking through the halls. A light flickers off and on. Then a little note appears on bottom of the screen. “Who do think will bite it this week? #WeeklyDeath Tweet now!” But I am guessing the Doctor will bring down the whole television system if that really did happen. Who’s the doctor I am talking about? Doctor Whaz of course. He is the doctor you get when you can’t afford the rights to Doctor Who.

Doctor Whaz: There be aliens in this house, bitches!

Bitches: Oh… oh… Doctor. Oh no… Let us massage you.

Doctor Whaz: Hang on bitches, there be enough doctor lovin’ to go around.

Bitch: Can I fondle your penis?

Doctor Whaz: Now we are talkin’

Student: An alien is sucking my brain.

Doctor Whaz: Always when I’m making love! Give me my sonic bling.

Alien: Join us Doctor! Even though my plan is philosophically against everything you believe in, I will pretty much try to appeal to you in what seems like a reasonable request according to my warped sense of logic!

Doctor Whaz: Tempting but I rather drink forties with my hoes.

The sonic bling is just too much for the alien and it explodes!

Student: Thanks! What kind of doctor are you again?

Doctor Whaz: I am the doctor of love, and the doctor is in!

Student: Whaz that…

Doctor Whaz: Come on bitches! Back to the TARDIMP.

Student: The TARDIMP?

Doctor Whaz: The Time and Relative Dimension in my Pants!

The time travel noise is rather bassy and sounds strangely like a party…

The Romulan Senate Gives You A Sad Face

I read an article about a cloaked alien ship near Mercury. The conspirator thinks that an ejection from the sun revealed the cloaked ship. The scientist says that it’s a data processing glitch. I say that it’s Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz. My explanation is of course the most plausible and if you don’t believe me or even to attempt to disprove me, I’ll accuse you of spreading disinformation. I’ll let the video speak for itself:

Didn’t that look exactly like Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz?

I think this Mercurial UFO is quintessential of good conspiracies. The official explanation of “artifacts in data processing” is the kind of explanation that has the UFOlogists saying, “You can do better than that. You are not even trying to cover it up!” And thus we come to fatal flaw of conspiracy theory. Any explanation, aside from Romulan Senate spying on pre-federation Earth, is considered a cover-up.

I don’t find it hard to believe in aliens. It’s a big universe that’s about 13 billion years out. Conversely, humans went from tribes to spaceflight in a couple thousand. Another species of intelligent beings possessing a “warp drive” technology really isn’t that far fetched. I read an article about figuring out how to slow the ship down safely is the key making it an reality. I figure a species with a million years head start probably had enough time to figure out quick transit between vast interstellar distances.

Whether or not they have visited Earth or are more specifically hiding behind Mercury is where I remain skeptical. Let’s go back to the it’s a big universe concept. There is a chance that humans may be completely unremarkable. What if aliens visited the planet today, and wrote “Pre-warp bipedal species” or “Mostly Harmless” (to quote Douglas Adams) in their catalog before moving on. All the other aliens may see this entry and spend their time elsewhere in the galaxy.

Why We Are Not Allowed to Leave Earth

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I recently discovered that there is a version of the Harry Potter books in ancient Greek. I think this is further proof of an alien conspiracy. Allow me to elaborate.

There are only two groups of humans that use ancient Greek in their day to day lives, beer guzzling frat boys and scholars, only one of which can read. Usually, the frat boys use ancient Greek in a more contemporary sense such as, “Kappa Sigma Chi rules!” and then smashing a beer can on their head. The scholars use it in the well respected pursuit of learning sense such as, “The Aristotelian education system rules!” and then smashing a glass of nice port on their head.

A group of stuffy looking scholars surround a port bong. One of them is taking a hit.

Scholars: Chug! Chug! Chug!

The Chugging Scholar coughs and spits up some port.

Scholars: Whooo! Yeah!

Scholar One: Way to hit the port bong bro!

Scholar Two: No joke! Hey dude, can you like hook me up with your sister? The instructor in the Dance department?

Ancient Greek is a language that is no longer used by most people. Those that know it well enough to be able to read Harry Potter will more than likely know another language. I doubt that the ancient Greek translation exists for all those people out there that only know ancient Greek and lack the educational opportunities to learn another language. What other purpose could this book serve other than to market to other alien civilizations?

I bet it’s for an alien race that visited the planet during the time of the Greeks and don’t have any records of our modern languages. Think of the ancient Greek Harry Potter as the interplanetary release edition. I wonder if the alien races will get free super saver shipping from Amazon with interstellar shipping? And what about Amazon Prime interstellar customers?

Amazon shipping clerks pack ancient Greek Harry Potter, ancient Sumerian Chicken Soup for the Soul, and ancient Mayan The Secret.

ASC 1: Gwartoch of the crab Nebula wants free two day shipping!

ASC 2: We better call Richard Dean Anderson again.

Books like the Harry Potter series are innocent enough. What happens when we start translating books like Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons or True Face of God by the Raelian Movement? The aliens will simply categorize the human race as a pollution of knowledge and prevent them from ever leaving the planet.

Think what would happen if the wealth of human knowledge became unleashed on an unsuspecting advanced alien civilization? Our scientific achievements will pale in comparison to their own. They really won’t spend much time on say, the current theories of quantum mechanics because they already have a more advanced theory. In essence, all our science will be nothing more than nostalgia value.

Alien One: Wow, their current theory of gravitational force is still relativity! Remember when we were kids and tried build a relativistic worm hole traveler out of trashcans? And Xaigruk melted his sire’s kitchen?

Alien Two: Good times. Good times. Those were the days. Hey, why are we speaking English?

Alien One: I don’t know…

All our science is ancient history to them. The only export we could give them is our entertainment, which could be very detrimental. All sorts of unneeded influences could hinder their civilization. A team of scientists working diligently to save their home star system from going super nova could waste valuable time because they just had to see who was voted off this week in The Bachelor. Earthling worshipping cults could pop up everywhere after they read People Magazine. Days of research and the pursuit of learning could be lost when they purchase the DVD sets of their favorite television shows and start thinking, “One more episode couldn’t hurt.”

In short, our entertainment will be the end of an advanced alien civilization as we know it and the beginning of a larger viewing demographic for American Idol. Hopefully, when Simon tells a three eyed snarling beast to give up singing, it would eat him and end that series for good. The easier solution would be to prevent humans from leaving the planet. Just isolate our system and filter out the frequencies that leave the planet.

Like any good alien conspiracy theory, it must be based on a wild premise with unfounded truths. I think, I’ve established those already. It’s clear that the handwriting is vaguely on the wall. So what can we do about this alien conspiracy? Just mere undressing ceremonies like the Raelians won’t do it. (Besides, would you share your vast scientific knowledge with thousands of naked cult members that think Cheez Whiz is a gift from the Gods if someone wrote the bible in Chez Whiz?).

I think it’s time to take action and purchase all the copies of my books, movies, and rock albums that you can (with links conveniently located on the sidebar —>). That way, like any good alien conspiracy cult leader, I can use the proceeds to build a ‘church’ that is just disguised as my fifty bedroom house. Then I can spread the word of the religion faster with a really nice sports car that gets 2 mpg (It’s all for a good cause). The money will slowly filter back to the little people when I take vacations, I mean missions, around the world. It’s a perfect plan to thwart the alien conspiracy. My cult will be named, the Fralean Movement.

I even have a photo of your dear leader to worship:

Na-na-na-nan-na-na Leader!

Leader of the Fraleans looks stoically to the future