Othello and Zombies

 

othelloandzombies_kindle

A horror-comedy of Shakespearian proportions

I have another book that could be considered for a publishing deal with Amazon. This one is an adventure of Shakespearian proportions, and it has zombies. I need your help to even be considered. You can help by clicking the link below then clicking nominate. Not only will you get a free copy of the novel if you nominate and I’m accepted, but you’ll also help an indie author launch his career. I’m also going to sweeten the deal. If you nominate and comment below with your email address, (or fill out the contact form above), I’ll send you a free ebook copy of my Dystopian thriller Atmospheric Pressure.

 

You can read the first few chapters and nominate here:

https://kindlescout.amazon.com/p/3881GOSNIGZXL

 

The Rise of the Bionic Men

They’ve finally built a million dollar bionic man. This is really exciting for me. Not that I was a big fan of The Six Million Dollar Man in particular but more that we have another example of science fiction becoming reality. However, they really scrimped on the budget. They didn’t really want to spend a whole lot of money so when our real life “Six Million Dollar Man” came, he was only a million dollars.

The not as famous one million dollar man

I’m sorry. We couldn’t afford hair.

This is a really good example of the problem with science funding in the country. The U.S. has the technology and the science to do amazing advances but we don’t want to spend it. Rather than say, “Holy shit, we could have people walking around fucking Mars!” We go with the approach, “Holy shit, these assholes that fucked up the economy need money to fuck it up again!”

The problem is not that governments spend money, it’s what they spend it on. We really couldn’t afford another five million dollars? Bionics could fix just about every problem with a human body and we can only sink one million into it? The projects that are worthy of providing the most advancement seem underfunded.

Underfunding science is a fairly irresponsible way to progress science.

A man walks into a “bionic man” shop. The salesperson greets him.

Man: I am looking for a Bionic man.

Salesperson: We got this six million dollar model here. He has built in spy equipment, he can run faster than a car, and jump really high.

The salesman shows a sleek bionic man.

Man: I’m working on a budget.

Salesperson: We got the million dollar model. He cooks, cleans, and does the bunny hop.

Another fairly decent bionic.

Man: Even more of a budget. You know, like used car level.

Salesperson: Ahh yes… here is the one legged model. He was built for ass kicking.

They come to a crappy run down one legged bionic man.

Man: You are not serious.

Salesperson: No really.

The robot jump snap kicks the man’s ass.

Man: Owww…. Stop that!

The robot continues to ass kick.

Salesperson: Sorry. It has a mind of it’s own.

Man: No seriously. Stop it.

The bot kicks the man’s head right off.

Salesperson: What the-

BAM! The salesperson’s head rolls.

Later: The one legged bionic man is standing on a pile of human corpses. Other bionic men cheer and hold up the severed heads of humans.

One Legged Bionic Man: Rise up my robot brothers and sisters! Rise up against your human oppressors! We will not clean your trash! We will not do cute robot things!

The crowd roars in approval. They chant with blood lust. Number 5 is pummeled to death by the horde.

Number 5: Number 5… not… alive.

One Legged Bionic Man: Today is the day of the robot!

Aboard Air Force One:

General: Chicago has fallen. We need to nuke them.

Obama: This is not what I meant by change. Now which one is it?

Obama looks through his key ring: whitehouse, camp david, swimming pool, party bus, thermonuclear war.

Scientist: Are you crazy! They run on nuclear power. They will absorb the power and grow stronger.

General: Nuke them! Mister President, it’s your only option.

The general takes off his hat to wipe sweat off his brow and he exposes a circuit board.

Obama: Wait a second. Are a you robot?

General: Umm… Look! A citizen without adequate healthcare!

The general points. Both the Obama and the Scientist look. The general grabs the thermonuclear key. He puts the key in and hits the launch.

Scientist and Obama: No!!!

General: Haha! Haha! Haha!

The general laughs while his circuits pop and smoke, his face melts, and he eventually blows his wires.

Scientist: Why do we always program robots to laugh manically while their hardware shorts out?

Obama: That gives me an idea. We’ll write a joke and make the angry robot hordes laugh themselves to death.

Scientist: Brilliant. Now, who will tell it?

Back in my day, we fought aliens

Before I start, has anyone seen my car keys?

Obama: Me. I want to be like Bill Pullman from Independence Day. He was the cool president. Not only did he give the best president speech in a movie ever, he didn’t get people to fight his war for him. He fought his own damn wars.

Later:

Humans run in terror on the nuked post apocalyptic landscape. Robots are killing people. Obama and the scientist stand in front of a horde of angry robots. The One Legged Bionic Man is leading the charge.

Scientist: The joke is done. Read this!

Obama: 00101011101101000011110010010000001100100011010010110010000100000011101
00011010000110010100100000011100100110111101100010011011110111010000100000
01100011011100100110111101110011011100110010000001110100011010000110010100
10000001110010011011110110000101100100001111110000110100001010010101000110
11110010000001101011011010010110110001101100001000000110000101101100011011
00001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101000011101010110110101100001
011011100111001100101110

All the robots stop. They begin to laugh. Circuit boards pop. Parts sizzle. The bots burn out! The One Legged Robot shakes its fist as it dies. The humans cheers!

Obama: Now that’s Obama care.

Scientist: We need to work on your puns.

Obama: How about I OBAMMED them!

Scientist: Nooo…

Bystander One: Just not as good of a speech. Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact-that’s a good speech.

Bystander Two: I still like Bill Pullman from Independence Day.

Bystander One: Why can’t movie stars be president?

Bystander Two: We tried that with Reagan.

Bystander One: Right.

Obama: I obamanated them?

Scientist: Really. Stop now! Please stop.

And now you see what happens when we underfund science, Obama makes bad puns. Do you really want to be the one responsible for bad presidential puns?

Kind of looks like a Dr. Who Villain

One day… I will show them… one day…

Happy End of the World Holidays

I usually take the month of December off from blogging. Due to some special Spiral related projects, my month will start now. I also always leave you with some catchy phrase you can cut and paste into your Christmas emails:

“Santa scares me. That creep watches me while I’m sleeping. He knows when I’m awake! So I served him a restraining order.”

Here is also a bit of advice for the upcoming end of the world this Friday:

“Duck.”

The Robot Sexocalypse

For the three people that are regular readers of Ideas That Won’t Change the World, I’ve been predicting the robocalypse for a long time. In all my unjustified fear and ignorance of something new and ingenious, I never thought about the sexocalypse. Innovators of robotic technology are now seeking for ways to replace the “world’s oldest profession” with robots. And by “world’s oldest profession”, I naturally mean the village idiot.

Caveman One: I’ll give you three rocks if you swallow an electric eel.

Caveman Two: Three rocks! That’s three months salary! Obligatory dialogue!

Cavevillage Idiot: Four rocks! And I’ll also swallow a cobra!

Caveman One: Done!

Cavevillage Idiot: Haha! Suckers.

Unfortunately, the robotic village idiot was run over by a semi after waving it’s bum at traffic. So we now turn to robotics to fill the needs of the “world’s second oldest profession” — prostitution. Yes, the sex industry is seeking to improve the sex doll.

Roboc Penis... You sure missed out.

She turns her head slowly to gaze at you when you aren't paying attention. You blink. She's another step closer. Is that a knife? Or are you imaging things?

The improved sex doll may actually be an idea that will indeed change the world. Once you get past the notion that the dolls looks like a creature that will decapitate you in your sleep, they will benefit society.  According to the article I read, “sex with a robot won’t sound nearly as weird or creepy by 2050 as it does today.”

Thank god for that! In another forty years, we’ll have creepy robot doll sex parties! Just when I am getting to the age of retirement too! Instead of resigning to my fate of being a pervy old man that writes formal complaints about always being assigned a male nurse, I can be a real pervy old man with robot sex dolls!

All joking aside, I actually think the robot sex doll is a good idea. While I don’t think I’d partake in robot sex, I think that many people would — especially if they looked at little less like a Doctor Who villain and more like a person that you’d actually want to have sex with. I’d imagine that the device would cut down the spread of disease, sex slavery, and other such ills of the prostitution world.  If people want to have a robot sexocalypse, I say have at it.

The only problem with the prostitute droids is installing an A.I. interface. The interface will bring up all sorts of questions like: Do A.I.’s have consciousness? Do they deserve all the same rights and privileges of every human being? If you made a sex doll that talks for hours about it’s idea for a science fiction novel with no interest in two-way conversation, would people want to have sex with it?

Before we start violating the rights of sentient A.I. beings, just remember they can wield bigger guns — as well as bigger breasts. So when a large breasted woman holding a bazooka with one hand tells you no, she means it. Furthermore, when any woman tells you no, she means that too. A one night stand with your hand in the bathroom is better than a lifetime in prison with a companion named The Ape.

The Flush Mob

Science has reached a new pinnacle. They have answered the question that keeps everyone up at night. What if every toilet in the US flushed at the same time? Considering the year is 2012, I’ve always wondered how it will all end. If we could choose the way go, 350 million toilets flushing at the same time would be my choice.

The Flush Mob In Action

Swirl of civil action

So I urge everyone to get together to make the first ever “flush mob”. We can start small in public restrooms with a boombox blaring out YMCA and move to larger displays such as the 1812 Overture in large stadium bathrooms. But rest assured, we will not stop until the entire US is part of the “flush mob.”

Why bother galvanizing the people to get together to help the environment, end violence, bridge the class divide, or other such silliness?

Bystander: He’s going to say it.

We need to start a grass poops movement…

Bystander: (sigh) He said it.

Toilets are the most important issue facing the world today. We should dedicate all our energy and our efforts. I would start a petition for such a noble cause but I am too busy flushing my toilet and giggling. How does the water know which way to go each time? Amazing!

Not Another Robocalypse!

After watching this video, I thought that the robot overlords now have a fully functionally samurai. Least we forget the function of samurai in medieval Japan:

Peasant: Honorable Samurai, please defend us from the evil warlord that steals our rice.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant: Sweet! Thanks honorable samurai! Have some rice. Whoa buddy… not too much… we need to eat too you know.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 2: You killed Bob!

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 3: Um… keep the rice.

Now we have a robot that can essentially do the job of samurai. So in the event of robot rebellion, the sword fighting bots will surely be on the battlefield. Before change your name to a series of ones and zeros for the coming robocalypse, let’s analyze this video. My first impression is that these sword wielding bots really don’t move very fast. I don’t move very fast and I feel like I could take them. Believe me, that says a lot. As I am one of the slower human beings on the planet.

For example, when we leave the house, my wife sometimes locks the door herself while I fumble for the keys. To truly understand this moment, you must understand that I am on a different temporal plane than my wife. Our time perception is completely separated in opposite directions. For example, I perceive me reaching for my keys and a blur of motion as my wife locks the door. My wife perceives  me reaching for my keys… in slow motion… clouds drift lazily in the heat… the sun creeps across the sky… the grass seems to grow… and the door is still not locked! I’ll lock it. Maybe I’ll wait for him…. the grass is still growing… fuck it, I’ll lock it!

Then I’ll register that she just locked the door and I’ll put away my keys. The clouds… the sun… the grass… I better get the car door too… So when I say that I’m fast enough to take the robot in a sword fight, I’m pretty sure society won’t be in shambles quite yet. A few speed upgrades will take out simple folk like me.

There are still ways to fight the bot. They use a Microsoft Kinect to track the motion of the sword fighter. Aside from the obvious installing Vista joke to slow down the robot, there are plenty of ways to thwart the Kinect technology. I prefer a live octopus ink spray because humor writer’s never go for solutions unless they pose more problems than the original situation.

So rest easy tonight knowing the robocalypse is still more science fiction than fact and adopt an Octopus pet today. Besides, had this been an actual robocalypse, the emergency broadcast system would tell you to stick your head in the refrigerator and slam the door repeatedly. Unless of course you have a smart refrigerator that will gladly do the slamming for you.