Xmas Elf Only 99 Cents

XMAS ELFGet Xmas Elf: Secret Agent for 99 cents from now till 12/1/18 (US and UK only). That’s not all, Time Burrito will also only be 99 cents too! Why fight the holiday crowds when you can buy everyone you know a kooky Christmas caper for a buck? Amazon has a buy for others button. All you need is their email address. Here’s the description:

As one of Santa’s Elite Fixers, Jing spends most of his time waterboarding greedy toy manufacturers or responding to terrorists holding Rudolph for ransom. While not on the job, he relaxes in the North Pole, a paradise where he can forget all the killing and bloodshed and curl up to some Christmas music and hot cocoa.

Until a rogue group of elves betrays Santa and threatens what should have been a pleasant Christmas.

Every time a bell rings, an elf gets his Glock.

Note: Use discretion for children under 13. There is a bit of violence in the book (no worse then what you can read in the first chapter).

Watch out for the sounds of sleigh bells in the distance this holiday season,

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Christmas Needs an Enema.

XMAS ELFGet Xmas Elf: Secret Agent today! The combination of comedy and adventure make it a perfect gift for that office party or for friends and family. Put a smile on their face when they see this season’s most ridiculous holiday story. The paperback will qualify for Amazon Prime shipping, so you know you’ll get it in time for Christmas. The kindle edition will be on sale next week. I’ll let you know when the sale starts. Here’s the description:

As one of Santa’s Elite Fixers, Jing spends most of his time waterboarding greedy toy manufacturers or responding to terrorists holding Rudolph for ransom. While not on the job, he relaxes in the North Pole, a paradise where he can forget all the killing and bloodshed and curl up to some Christmas music and hot cocoa.

Until a rogue group of elves betrays Santa and threatens what should have been a pleasant Christmas.

Every time a bell rings, an elf gets his Glock.

Still not convinced? Download a free preview in this group giveaway!

Note: Use discretion for children under 13. There is a bit of violence in the book (no worse then what you can read in the first chapter).

Have a fun and safe holiday season.

Christmas Is Here

XMAS ELFAnd we all know the old adage “Every time a bell rings, an elf gets his Glock.” This Christmas, get ready for a comedic romp through the underbelly of the holiday season where one elf learns that killing and torturing isn’t the only way to solve a problem. It will be available in paperback, audiobook, and kindle on Black Friday (11/23/18). Here’s a short description:

As one of Santa’s Elite Fixers, Jing spends most of his time waterboarding greedy toy manufacturers or responding to terrorists holding Rudolph for ransom. While not on the job, he relaxes in the North Pole, a paradise where he could forget all the killing and bloodshed and curl up to some Christmas music and hot cocoa.

Until a rogue group of elves betrays Santa and threatens what should have been a pleasant Christmas.

You can pre-order today! Thank you to all who helped me pick a cover! I appreciated all the feedback and considered all of it.

Also, did you remember to leave your review for Atmospheric Pressure 1 & 2? Reviews help out a whole bunch.

Last, but not very least, the first five stories of the Teristaque Chronicles will be on sale for 99 cents until 10/11/19 (US & UK only), and I’m also giving away the first story in the series for free in a group giveaway with many different authors giving their stuff away for free too.

Thank you for all of your support.

Help Me Decide on a Cover.

My next book will be coming out this Christmas, and for those of you who loved Time Burrito, I have some good news for you. It is another action-packed comedy. This one is a little different. It’s about an Elf who is one of Santa’s Elite Fixers (a special unit that is a mix of MI6, Navy SEALs, and Yakuza). However, before I can release the book, I need to decide on a cover. If you could take a look at all the potential covers and give me your feedback, I’d appreciate it. You can see them here.

Also the original Atmospheric Pressure has broken top 100 in the Amazon free store!  Thank you all for being so supportive of my writing.

Guess what? ORION will be 99 cents from now till Sept 15th (US and UK only).

Thank you again and don’t forget to give me your feedback on my next book cover.

Aaron

Dr. Mew

I am going to take my traditional December break from blogging. But not without leaving you a meme created by my wife staring our cat:

Dr. Mew

As with the Wontchangetheworld tradition, I will leave you with a holiday cut and pasteable quote for your holiday emails:

“Twas the night before Christmas and my new Nosler Varmageddon AR hunting assault rifle got me eight trophies.”

Happy Kwanzaa everybody.

Happy End of the World Holidays

I usually take the month of December off from blogging. Due to some special Spiral related projects, my month will start now. I also always leave you with some catchy phrase you can cut and paste into your Christmas emails:

“Santa scares me. That creep watches me while I’m sleeping. He knows when I’m awake! So I served him a restraining order.”

Here is also a bit of advice for the upcoming end of the world this Friday:

“Duck.”

The Santa Trap

OK, so I lied about taking a break in December but some movies require being blogged about right away. Words can’t express the pure genius of The Santa Trap. Of course by pure genius, I mean you will laugh, cry, and beg for the movie to end. My wife and I have a pretty good sense of humor. Snarky comments got us through the movie. However, the pain of watching the film subdued even the snarkiest. Eventually, we just sat thinking. When will it end? Please let it end. Why isn’t it ending! The quote of the evening was when my wife paused it to see how much time we had left, “22 Minutes? I don’t know if I can sit through another 22 minutes!”

Even the trailer brings back painful memories. Before we got to the point of poking out our eyes with a sharp object, I was actually excited to see the movie. In the opening credits, two names caught my attention. The first was Robert Hays. This guy was the lead role in one of my favorite movies of all time: Airplane! He was practically my babysitter when I was young. I could be dosed on three pounds of sugar and running around the house like Lord of the Flies. Just throw a VHS of Airplane! in the VCR and I would be glued to the television. The next name that caught my attention was Dick Van Patten. To me, he was the guy from practically every Mel Brooks movie (another one of my favorite movie makers of all time). Who would be next? John Cleese? The Santa Trap was going to be the best movie of the season… or so I thought.

My first warning should have been the low budget quality and staged shots of the film. As a veteran of low budget films myself, I tend to be very forgiving of the lack of technical quality. If the movie is funny, the story is good, or the concept is neat, I’ll forgive the film maker. Unfortunately, The Santa Trap lacked anything to take my mind off of the thought: this scene looks staged like a play. The next scene also looks like a play. Am I in a play right now? Did I get transported back to my undergraduate directing final? What is the nature of reality? Are we the imagination of a playwright? He/she must have writer’s block to imagine such a dumb movie.

Basically, the premise of this movie is the older brother gives his younger sister a hard time about believing in Santa so she decides to capture him. Her father, played by Robert Hays, thinks he is a prowler and sends him to prison. The rest of the movie involves stereotypes imagined by a person who never left their house in fifties years.

For example, most of us think of Harley driving bikers as part of an older generation that wishes to recapture the glory days of their youth with a giant engine between their crotches. This movie thinks of bikers as people that would fight your sister, rape your booze, and drink your brother. If the writer of the film left their house once every fifties years, they would probably notice that most bikers these days care about AARP, affordable healthcare, and restaurant discounts over fighting and boozing.

Shelley Long’s (the wife of Robert Hays) character arc in the film was to accept the fact they moved to a new city and loose her identity to her husband. She still got to manage one of her old accounts (she was apparently the biggest person on 5th avenue) but went from New York’s elite to a shut up and deal with it housewife. I find that to be a very believable character development as gender roles have never really changed. I tell my wife to shut up all the time and to get back to making goulash in the kitchen. Then she makes me sleep in the shed… the cold… dark… lonely shed.

What really drives this movie is the lack of character arc for Robert Hays. Apparently, Robert Hays moved them to the small Southwestern town of La Quinta (yes, like the Inn) for a new job. This job is high pressure and has him working all the time. On Christmas Eve, he receives a pile of work to take home. They later find the person he replaced at the job in a hospital from a stress related heart attack. Yet somehow by the end of the film, he sure is happy to be in his new home. Hooray for dysfunctional workaholic fathers that place work over family time!

Yes, this kid proved Santa exists but I’m sorry to report her father will die at forty due to a stress related illness. Her mom left her career to manage one lousy account so the lavish lifestyle will come crashing down without their father’s income. But at least when they are homeless, they will be happy they are together (and in a climate where it doesn’t snow). I am not kidding. This movie actually has homeless people cheerful and thankful for their situation. No amount of Home Alone knock off humor will make up for this film. But since tis the season, I will say the movie is worth seeing. In order to fully understand how to rate a movie from one to ten, one must understand what one really means.