A Terror Dictator’s Guide to Mindfulness

I’m experimenting with doing something new. I’ve always wanted to write a comedy self-help book. Here’s is the introduction and the first chapter. If you want to see this project happen, consider supporting me on patreon.


As totalitarianism and authoritarian leadership have become increasingly mainstream, more and more people are actively seeking resources for total domination of segments of the population under their thumb. Managers, CEOs, and even Presidents can use these practices to terrorize their subjects into compliance. Whether you are seeking to put your kid brother in his rightful place or require swaths of people to quake at your very presence, this guide is intended for anyone who needs a little more terror in their life.

There are a lot of books out there that claim to have all the answers for all the up incoming terror dictators of the world, but they lack depth and the experience of a ruler of his own regime. I’m Kim Jong-Hannity, (no relation to the dictator or American TV personality), and I’ve been lord of my own country for eight years. Back in 2012, I played one of my compatriots, Kim Jong-un, in a game of high stakes poker. I won complete control over one of the provinces of North Korea. It’s been my own country ever since.

When I took control of the province and renamed it Hannityville, it was in poor shape. People were whispering rebellious thoughts, black markets extoling capitalist pigdog virtues were everywhere, and worst of all, they were watching South Korean media. I couldn’t walk anywhere without hearing Gangnam Style, so I had anyone caught watching the video dragged out to the street and shot, along with people listening to Friday, the Hampster Dance, Yatta, What Does the Fox Say, and other viral sensations.

Needless to say, citizens got in line pretty quickly, and now I want to share all my secrets to a successful totalitarian dictatorship that you can incorporate into your lives. I was recently giving a FRED talk (Firearms, Radical Extermination, Design) about the power of positive thinking while torturing political prisoners, and a big American CEO came up to me and said. “That’s a great speech Kim, but we can no longer water board in the US anymore.”

And I said, “Who has to know about it?”

He then responded about his board of directors, to which I chided him for not firebombing at least one board of director’s house per year, so they know who is really in charge. Americans have gotten really weak. Stupid American President sits down at this desk all day tweeting threatening messages. Whereas, I don’t make threats. I take swift, decisive action and teach my citizens the value of strong rule. He talks a big game, but they still listen to Baby Shark in America.

The idea for this book started years ago when I went to Osama bin Laden Summer Camp as a teenager. My mom was one of the few Asian Islamic extremists, and my dad was the only surviving member of the Jim Jones cult (he bought a Hawaiian Punch in town and didn’t realize it was a suicide party until too late). I grew up in Equatorial Guinea where I learned a hard day’s work and human rights abuses was all you needed to keep the population in control. Because of my diverse background studying totalitarianism with dictators throughout the world, I realize that crushing your enemies and drinking their blood isn’t just for Vikings, it’s for everyone.

Now for the first time, I’ve collected different terror dictator tactics in one handy to use guidebook that anyone can understand. It helps if you have tanks, missiles, biological and nuclear weaponry, and a playlist of earworms. Trust me when I said that I am the only one in Hannityville who can play Baby Shark, usually through a loudspeaker, during a siege of political dissidents.

Even if you don’t have your own secret police, you can get something out of this book. My deepest intention is to make these practices accessible to anyone even people in a wheelchair. They can run over someone’s foot, and do it again until they shape behavior of the person into who they want them to be. People are too busy finding themselves, when you can make them who you want them to be.

All the terror dictators, fascist leaders, cult head priests, presidents for life, terrorists organizations, and even boy band managers have given me their secrets to success over the years. After that ill-fated poker day, North Korea’s loss became my gain, and I got to put all those practices into use. My hope is you can use this book as your own blueprint, and you can take total-control over your life, as well as all the people around you.

With a little direction, we all have the potential to become a totalitarian dictator. Even if you never get to play Kim Jong-un for a chance at another one of his provinces, I hope you can incorporate this into your daily practices to live a richer, fuller life. Though if you do get a chance to play Kim Jong-un at poker, he is not as good at bluffing as you think he’d be.

Totalitarianism 101

When I was fourteen years-old, my father gave me a used playboy with the pages stuck together. He told me that it should occupy me until I could go to college because there wasn’t much dating opportunity in Equatorial Guinea. At the time I was struggling with depression and realized that I felt better when I pulled the wings off of flies or swung rodents around in sacks. I even used the rolled up magazine on the family dog.

I had realized that words were powerful but didn’t really understand the full power of them until I had witness my first North Korean march. My parents were globe trotters when I was young. We went to Iran, North Korea, Columbia, Libya and all sorts of wonderful places with great food. All of them had one thing in common, their propaganda machines were in full production.

It was evident in that trip to North Korea. All the marching armies, gigantic missiles, and color coordinated dancers were all praising their great leader. The movies in theaters and even songs they sang to their children were in service of the great regime. There were even Kim Jong-il approved ice cream flavors.

I took it one step further. All Happy Meals served in Hannityville have action figures in likeness of me. I star in every film. You guessed it, I even sing in my own rock-country band that appeals to the working class man and still regales me as the supreme leader. I didn’t just approve the ice creams. I am the ice cream flavors. My favorite is triple-choco-Hannity explosion, but don’t worry other flavors still exist too, you must give the people some sense of choice in life even if it is a sham.

Here are the Nine Aspects of Successful Terror Dictators you can start using now if an employee has the audacity to ask you for a raise. Remember party loyalty is the reward in itself. They should be happy you don’t handcuff them to a pipe in the company basement for the weekend because of the insubordination.

  1. BE FULLY PRESENT. This takes a lifetime to master, but you can take control and be mindful of your surroundings in small subtle ways. For example, if you are about to eat a Snickers bar, make your top general take a bite instead because someone could be trying to poison you. You will fall right into the trap if you willy-nilly stuff chocolate into your gullet. You are smarter that your would-be usurper. If the general says that he is allergic to peanuts, you force the candy bar into his mouth with a gun to his head. While he tearfully begs for mercy for his family, you remind him that there are camps for people like that. You watch the life drain from his eyes only confirming your suspicion about the chocolate bar. Only later you realize that it may have just been anaphylactic shock because of the time the general got sick from a Reese’s and ask Alexa to put more Snickers bars on your shopping list.
  • RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS. Stupid American President doesn’t understand this one and gets butt sore every time someone calls him a bad name. One day my hairdresser was making fun of me, and I put her head on a pike in front of the capitol building (I learned that from boy genius Joffrey). She had the audacity to say that pompadours weren’t very dignified haircuts. I said, “Are you kidding me! Elvis had all these screaming girls under his sway.” Then I had my new general do her in. Get it? I spun on words. Do her in. Like hairdo.
  • Don’t Be Judgmental. This one is pretty hard to learn. I am part of #BACHELORNATION (remember rule #3 and my bioweapons research program). Sometimes I would see the Bachelorette falling for the wrong guy, and I would scream at the TV, “No, he is only there for his music career! You should cut a finger off for each time he lied to you!” But, then they see through the lies and turn out to be a strong women worthy of a terror dictator partner in life. I have not heard back about the assassins I have sent after Clare Crawley’s suitors.


  • CHANGE IT UP. This one is hard, especially for a good friend of mine cartel hitman Juan Pablo “Dedos” Fring. Dedos got his name because he would take a finger as a trophy from all of his victims, but that’s boring to do the same thing every day. You think American CIA would have more tricks than waterboarding. Come on guys, you are the most powerful country in the world. I am proud to say that Hannityville’s gulag, not only has the classics like sleep deprivation, waterboarding, and music torture, but I also get all my generals together for these idea sessions where we have had several novel breakthroughs. We put into action all sorts of exciting new ideas including electric eels, psychotic clowns, reenactments of every single way a Game of Thrones character has died, several bond villain contraptions that the stupid British MI6 agent escapes every time, and a kitten room (mostly for members of the minority party allergic to cats).
  • Make Sure You Have You Time. Godlike leaders of the world don’t carve out enough time for themselves. Whether you are punishing people for their thought crimes or singing with the adoring public who are sentenced with death if they don’t sing the bah, bah, bah part of Sweet Caroline with you at the ball game, being an important figure takes a lot out of you and that doesn’t even include the time we found real unicorn bones, unlike ahem, North Korea, who made it all up. I had to spend all day at a press conference. Sometimes, I have to tell myself. It’s okay to have a glass of wine and watch the Great British Baking show on Netflix.
  • View the World Through the Eyes of a Child. Children view the world like everything is new. They haven’t had the great disappointments in life like finding out Hannibal Lecter isn’t real or that Noriega was setup by the CIA. Or even when their father leaves them to join that stupid Heaven’s Gate cult. He also survived that one too because he bought a pudding cup at the gas station before they committed mass suicide to ascend to the UFO spaceship overhead. He didn’t even return my calls after that. On second thought, don’t see the world through the eyes of a child. Being a child sucks.
  • Propaganda, Propaganda, Propaganda. Every supreme leader for life needs a robust media engine. I personally use TikTok, but I know stupid American President uses Twitter. That’s a big mistake, who even had time to read anymore (except my book because you’ll make yourself better)? Make sure you choose a good theme song for your event. I personally use Bon Jovi’s Living on Prayer for state functions. Unless it’s a Death to AmericaTM event then I used The Final Countdown by Europe. Most of my TikTok videos are Shakira.
  • Find beauty in simplicity. Sometimes after burning a small village to the ground, you go through a crisis of faith. You wonder, am I really a supreme being on Earth meant to lead a glorious empire? What if there are no more small farming communities that are obviously plotting rebellion? This can’t be all there is to life. But then you find the sweet round faces of the village children staring up at you from under the floor boards of the elder’s house, and you realize that their delicate little fingers can polish the inside of ammo casings in your munitions factory. Life is beautiful. You just have to look in the places you’d least expect. Like the floor boards.
  • Your Mind is Your Friend. You ever hear the phrase, “you’re your own worst enemy.” That’s completely flat out wrong, let me assure you. Your worst enemy is the crooked media outlets that depict Hannityville as anything but the paradise on Earth that it is. I even invited stupid New York Times reporter to my country, and she didn’t want to go on the official tour. I had paid good money to hire the country’s most talented actors to pretend like they are mothers out with their babies and a group of teenagers playing football (the one you play with your foot stupid American). But no, she wanted to see the internment camps. I was like, “Dude, you are totally going to miss this part coming up where a bus full of nuns crashes, teetering on the edge of a cliff, and I save them.”

Now that we’ve laid the ground work for a successful dictatorship. Further chapters will explain secrets that will change your life. Mine is certainly better now that I’ve incorporated the practices in this book. A lot of my fellow despots have trouble sleeping at night because they are afraid of assassins, the CIA overthrowing their government, and even people talking bad about them on Twitter. I sleep soundly, especially after I started taking these chewy melatonin from Costco. They put me out.

The point is that my country is running smoothly, and I don’t even have to complain about the liberal media because I control all the media in my country. Stupid American media is a different story. I hate those guys. The point is that it doesn’t keep me up at night because I practice the steps in this book.

The keyword there is practice. Populations aren’t going to terrorize themselves. You only get the rewards if you put in the effort, and perhaps take them from people with less power than you. Keep in mind that it’s a work in progress. I am still learning, even today. I was going to execute this man because he spilled mustard on his shirt that has a likeness of me on it (I’m silhouetted like Che Guevara. It’s very cool). But then I realized, he was wearing a t-shirt with my face on it. He was honoring me, so I told him to take it off before I shot him.

If you want to be like me, and have total control over your life (and all the people around you), then you’re going to need to really practice all the lessons in the book. Maybe consider setting up a studio where you can buckle down and really dive into it. Or better yet, maybe seize a yoga studio. Be careful that they don’t have swords rolled up in those mats. I heard that yogi masters are pretty much like Warrior Nun on Netflix. That’s such an amazing series. I’m going to have to start my own religion, so I can have my own warrior nuns.

Time Burrito 2: The Bison Agenda

While Time Burrito 2 is far from complete, I couldn’t wait to share the cover art with you. It is just as ridiculous as the first book. Take a look:


One word: Amazing.

Get an exclusive Patreon only edition by pledging now. Don’t wait for the book to come out, by then it will be too late!

BTW, the Tuners Trilogy is only $2 for a limited time only. The first book is free!

Also, grab Othello and Zombies for free while you can!

My Patreon Page

It’s been a while since I last contacted you all because two things needed to happen. I needed to be able to walk again (check) and The Robin Hood of Couches needed to be complete (check). If you recall, back in January we raised over $1000 for The Robin Hood of Couches on Kickstarter, but the campaign didn’t fund its overall goal, so I didn’t get any money.

Instead of funding the book through Kickstarter where I don’t get any money, I’m switching to Patreon, where I get what you generously donate regardless if it is only 1 person or 100. I’m hoping that you’ll donate at the same level you did for The Robin Hood of Couches, and you’ll get the same reward. The best part is that Kickstarter had some eye popping shipping fees, I’m going to eat the shipping fees myself, and you’ll get the book for $25 no extra cost for shipping international or otherwise!

In order to keep the shipping low enough for me to do that, I’m going to have to add $10 to the price for signed copies (because I need to ship those books I sign to me, then pay another fee to get it to you). For $35, I’ll sign it and write you a personal message. Part of the benefit of becoming a patron is that people ask me all the time how to get my books in ePub, well this is your chance. The Advanced digital copies will be available in MOBI, ePub, and PDF.

Finally, for those who had picked the rewards to be characters in the book. I can’t do it for this book because I scrimped and saved and have already sent it to a professional editor. But if you get the reward level of minor or major character, I’ll make sure I get you as a character in a future book, as well as getting a signed copy.

The best part about Patreon is that if you like my work, you can continue to donate to each project I do, and it only charges you when I release a new book. Don’t worry, I’ll always let you know when a new book is on the way, so you’ll have time to opt out if the next one isn’t for you. However, right now I only publish about two books a year so that it only costs you $50 a year to help me provide high quality editing, cover art, and all the things that make a book shine. And who knows, if I get more supporters down the line, maybe I’ll publish more than two a year.

Thank you all for your support and you can go here to support me and get The Robin Hood of Couches as your reward and ORION as a the bonus digital book if you choose that level. In order to get this exclusive offer, you’ll need to sign up before 7/25/19. Let’s see if we can blow that Kickstarter campaign out of the water!

Thank you again for your support.

Kickstarter Update #4

It looks like the project was not successfully funded. However, I am amazed at the support that I did get. We raised $1112! That’s actually enough for me to get the book out with a little bit of nipping and tucking on some of the cover art and editing services. However, because I’m still at home with a broken leg. I need to focus on my injury and getting better. The break happened about a day after I launched, so perhaps it was never meant to be. Either way, I will get the book out and your help would be tremendous in doing so.

What I’m going to do is move the operation from Kickstarter to Patreon. They have a way where you can support me per project. So you chip in and a certain level, and you’ll get a reward similar to the ones offered here and it will only charge when a book is ready to go. I’ll be reaching out again when the Patreon page is up and running (sometime maybe when I can walk again so I can get to the post office to mail those books 🙂 ).

Thank you all for your support! It really meant a lot to see the all the folks backing this project. If you’re looking for something to read in the meantime. I’m going to make the first short story I ever wrote free (2/6/19-2/10/19). It’s called Time Beast and it pairs with song I wrote (and “sang”) for a metal prog band. Which, psst, you can download the who album for free by clicking on “buy” and entering in zero for the price.

Also, consider joining my email list, you’ll get a free book and short story just for joining!

Hope you enjoy the freebies and I’ll reach out when I’m ready to launch the Patreon.

Kickstarter Update 3

The saga of the leg continues. Though there is not much to report as healing takes a long time with a broken bone. Other than I read a science article about how doctors may be leaving people immobilized longer than necessary for broken bones. However, the study that was done was for ankle fractures that didn’t require surgery. Since mine was not an ankle and did get surgery, the study didn’t really pertain to me. However, that made me think about part of why I love science fiction comedy.

If I read an article about people staying in braces for too long and proceed to screw up my broken bone even worse because I didn’t really understand the science behind the study, that’s comedy! It’s the same reason one hears that a food might be the ticket to the fountain of youth one day and the cause of cancer the next. What fails to translate is the fountain of youth was a study done on mole rats, and the cancer was a chemical found in the extract of the food that screws you up when taken in 500k the normal dose.

The point is that The Robin Hood of Couches is comedy about what happens in between the lines. When you dig and poke at something further what happens next. The difference between science and science fiction is that science might not have all the answers, and it can at least admit its limitations, whereas science fiction never admits that it was wrong or made a mistake. Once something in a science fiction is reported as fact, all the characters go along with it. I wonder if Midichlorians was peer reviewed?

So, where’s that bone regeneration tricorder from Star Trek that will have me walking the next day? That’s the reality I’m going with.

In Kickstarter news, we didn’t quite make 60%. But I’m still going to give you something for free. For the next few days, my short story collection of the first things I ever published will be free on kindle (it was a challenge to myself to write and publish one short story a month for a year). I also will discount Time Burrito to 99 cents (US and UK only) 1/29/18-2/5/18. And now’s the time to pledge money to the Kickstarter if you haven’t already. Now’s the time to share with a friend. We are on the last week. You can do so here.

I thank everyone for their support.