The Tacos Are Nigh

The bible tells us that the world will end. The bible also tells us that if someone rapes our daughters, the rapist¬†can marry them if they pay off the father. But¬†let’s ignore the fact that the bible can be wrong on some occasions and assume the world will end. One of the signs of the apocalypse is the rivers turning to blood. China’s Yangtze river turned red. Thus, I have pretty solid proof of the apocalypse.

 If you still are not convinced of the final days of Earth. I also have some solid irrefutable proof. Take this passage prophesized by ancient mystics who possessed the gift of sight:

These words were found on a form of communication used in ancient times called “a billboard”.

These words of wisdom are¬†everywhere.¬†They’re on billboards, TV ads, and even fast food restaurants. Any good conspiracy writer knows that seeing a pattern more than twice means global cabal or something at the very least diabolical. Conspiracies must be at the very heart of society to be worth anything. But what could the¬†soothsayers be saying when they ask us to think outside the bun? Just what is “the bun” anyway?¬†Because I am really qualified in paranoia, I will do all the thinking for you. Fret not! So long as you read my blog and my theories, you’ll never have to think for yourself again.

In today’s fast paced on the go society, critical thinking seems like it takes too much time. You have important things to accomplish –¬†like sharing that god awful Rebecca Black video with your co-workers every Friday. You also have that bus to catch. And why¬†think on the bus? Your phone has 365 days worth of music. Thinking is hard and kind of a waste of time when there are blogs to do it for you. Besides, maybe Rebecca Black will release a new song about Mondays. Wouldn’t that cheer up the dull office? Your co-workers will really appreciate-

BLAM!

We apologize for the inconvenience. The narrator has been shot and out sourced to another country were the employees learned English in a two week on the job training course: 

Conspiracy bun thinking outside of. Taking into account thinking. Hard working but we apologize. Free month credit to account. Bun thinking very out of-

BLAM!

We apologize for the interruption again. The country destabilized in a military coup. Though we will provide better service because the new dictator has no concept of civil rights will pay highly skilled workers pennies on the dollar. Enjoy!

What does “think outside the bun” mean anyway? The Earth is very obviously a bun. You can tell by¬†when a¬†celiac touches the ground, they die. Because the¬†Earth is a giant bun,¬†there must be some sort of meat¬†product in the center. Since no one is eating the meat product, it¬†must be rotting and turning the rivers¬†red!

The soothsayers were warning us!¬†They were¬†telling us to think outside the bun because the planet is rotting! If the planet were¬†fries, then we’d be safe because¬†fries never decompose. Ever notice how when you¬†find¬†a fry in your car seat, it looks brand new even though you¬†lost it years ago?

Meat decomposes. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to drive a minivan (Shut up! My parents weren’t rich. It was a hand me down). So needless to say, I was always the driver among my friends. One summer,¬†my friends and I¬†decided to¬†treat ourselves to a¬†steak house.¬†One of my friends ordered a rare steak. The steak was still mooing. He only ate half of it.

Months later, when I was cleaning out my minivan, I found tinfoil under the seat. Not really thinking that there could be biohazard material in there, I decided to see what was inside.¬†My teenage years were¬†in Albuquerque. 100 degree summers… Yep… Let’s just say I was lucky I didn’t become the first victim of what was a fundamentally a new life form.

Ready for actionNow think about how global warming comes into play. The meat in the planet’s bun is over heating. Disaster is fairly nigh. The ancients told us to think outside the bun because they want us to get off the planet before it starts to smell! I strongly urge you to write letters to¬†your governments. Tell them we need a Taco Bell in space! It’s the only thing that will save the planet. Don’t worry, I have plan to build it. Bruce Willis and a rag tag group of brave adventurers can construct it while I¬†collect that Taco Bell celebrity endorsement check… um I mean. DOOOM! DOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! Write those letters.

We Need Just a Liter or Six

Last night was like a Doctor Who episode. My students were called out of the classroom to help the medical assisting students practice their blood drawing skills. Of course, my school really is a career college and not an alien plot to experiment on human test subjects… right? RIGHT?

The cast

When I see one of these folks running down the halls at my school, I’ll know…

Aside from the fact that a civilization advanced enough for interstellar space flight experimenting on a civilization that has barely left their solar system is rather silly.¬† Aliens really don’t need subterfuge to experiment on the public. All they really need is to make a reality television show.

People really will do anything to be on television. I’d imagine there will be droves of volunteers for shows like “What’s my Radiation Tolerance?”, “All Your Internal Organs Are Showing”, and “Human Centipede Big Brother”. People do really strange things for free without being on television. What if the aliens could guarantee that they would be streamed by millions of viewers?

Imagine a school. Wired with cameras. Aliens lurking through the halls. A light flickers off and on. Then a little note appears on bottom of the screen. “Who do think will bite it this week? #WeeklyDeath Tweet now!” But I am guessing the Doctor will bring down the whole television system if that really did happen. Who’s the doctor I am talking about? Doctor Whaz of course. He is the doctor you get when you can’t afford the rights to Doctor Who.

Doctor Whaz: There be aliens in this house, bitches!

Bitches: Oh… oh… Doctor. Oh no… Let us massage you.

Doctor Whaz: Hang on bitches, there be enough doctor lovin’ to go around.

Bitch: Can I fondle your penis?

Doctor Whaz: Now we are talkin’

Student: An alien is sucking my brain.

Doctor Whaz: Always when I’m making love! Give me my sonic bling.

Alien: Join us Doctor! Even though my plan is philosophically against everything you believe in, I will pretty much try to appeal to you in what seems like a reasonable request according to my warped sense of logic!

Doctor Whaz: Tempting but I rather drink forties with my hoes.

The sonic bling is just too much for the alien and it explodes!

Student: Thanks! What kind of doctor are you again?

Doctor Whaz: I am the doctor of love, and the doctor is in!

Student: Whaz that…

Doctor Whaz: Come on bitches! Back to the TARDIMP.

Student: The TARDIMP?

Doctor Whaz: The Time and Relative Dimension in my Pants!

The time travel noise is rather bassy and sounds strangely like a party…

Great Conspiracies

Since I am a purveyor of fine truths since 2010, I want to shed light on some of the more notorious cover-ups in history.

What happened: In 2004, George Bush won the election against John Kerry after a voter recount.

What Really Happened: Toucan Sam really won the election. What we don’t know is that breakfast cereal icons rule the country with Stalinesque tactics. Toucan Sam put razor blades in Cap’n Crunch’s cereal thus leading to the myth of the Cap’s cereal cutting your mouth.

What Happened: The Mayan calender ends in December 2012 inspiring apocalypse theories everywhere.

What Really Happened: After chewing on some coco leaves, two Mayans had a conversation that went like this:

Mayan One: Bro, bro… Wouldn’t it be funny if we just ended the calender?

Mayan Two: Huh?

Mayan One: Hear me out bro. We can just totally stop the calender and people will be like, oh shit man… there’s like, no calender, man! Now there’s no time, bro!

Mayan Two: You are so high.

Mayan One: Seriously, bro! They’d like freak out because without time, they wouldn’t know when to go to their doctor’s appointments!

Mayan Two: You should see a doctor.

Mayan One: Dude, you watch me. I’m going to end the calender. People will totally wig! It will be the biggest prank ever! A prank thousands of years in the making!

Mayan One exits in a huff.

Mayan Two: You won’t be alive to see it.

What Happened: Kennedy was shot by a guy on the grassy knoll.

What Really Happened: It was actually Lee Harvey Oswald that shot him. Except he was on the grassy knoll and the book depository. Lee has a twin brother that looks like this:

Scary Face

Ready to assassin.

Doesn’t this guy totally look like he is ready to kill Kennedy? If any person is going to go crazy shooting up the place, it’s this guy. That mad grin expresses the joy he must get from killing people. If some one is going to be a president killer, it’s this guy right here. I bet if we scroll down, we’d totally see he is way happy because he has these assassin weapons locked and loaded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . .

. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um. . .

 

What Happened: Terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001 with commercial airplanes.

What Really Happened: Despite the slew of witnesses in the most populated city in the world, it was really the aliens from Independence Day. They are actually a race that often flies giant ships over every strategic city in the world and charge a giant beacon that looks like a city wide firestorm. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith happened to be in New York that day and kicked ET’s ass.

They realized later that the aliens were peaceful and the beacon was charging not a weapon of mass destruction but a giant Lite Brite. They were only trying to say, “We like kitties” and create a picture with a misshaped cat. Will and Jeff were pretty embarrassed so they covered up the mistake with Will Smith’s memory erasing device from the Men in Black films. Like any great conspiracies, the one with the most complicated an convoluted set of the circumstances is the easiest one to believe.

ZAP!

Will Smith just told me to redecorate my house! Now what was I writing?

The Romulan Senate Gives You A Sad Face

I read an article about a cloaked alien ship near Mercury. The conspirator thinks that an ejection from the sun revealed the cloaked ship. The scientist says that it’s a data processing glitch. I say that it’s Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz. My explanation is of course the most plausible and if you don’t believe me or even to attempt to disprove me, I’ll accuse you of spreading disinformation. I’ll let the video speak for itself:

Didn’t that look exactly like Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz?

I think this Mercurial UFO is quintessential of good conspiracies. The official explanation of “artifacts in data processing” is the kind of explanation that has the UFOlogists saying, “You can do better than that. You are not even trying to cover it up!” And thus we come to fatal flaw of conspiracy theory. Any explanation, aside from Romulan Senate spying on pre-federation Earth, is considered a cover-up.

I don’t find it hard to believe in aliens. It’s a big universe that’s about 13 billion years out. Conversely, humans went from tribes to spaceflight in a couple thousand. Another species of intelligent beings possessing a “warp drive” technology really isn’t that far fetched. I read an article about figuring out how to slow the ship down safely is the key making it an reality. I figure a species with a million years head start probably had enough time to figure out quick transit between vast interstellar distances.

Whether or not they have visited Earth or are more specifically hiding behind Mercury is where I remain skeptical. Let’s go back to the it’s a big universe concept. There is a chance that humans may be completely unremarkable. What if aliens visited the planet today, and wrote “Pre-warp bipedal species” or “Mostly Harmless” (to quote Douglas Adams) in their catalog before moving on. All the other aliens may see this entry and spend their time elsewhere in the galaxy.

Why We Are Not Allowed to Leave Earth

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I recently discovered that there is a version of the Harry Potter books in ancient Greek. I think this is further proof of an alien conspiracy. Allow me to elaborate.

There are only two groups of humans that use ancient Greek in their day to day lives, beer guzzling frat boys and scholars, only one of which can read. Usually, the frat boys use ancient Greek in a more contemporary sense such as, ‚ÄúKappa Sigma Chi rules!‚ÄĚ and then smashing a beer can on their head. The scholars use it in the well respected pursuit of learning sense such as, ‚ÄúThe Aristotelian education system rules!‚ÄĚ and then smashing a glass of nice port on their head.

A group of stuffy looking scholars surround a port bong. One of them is taking a hit.

Scholars: Chug! Chug! Chug!

The Chugging Scholar coughs and spits up some port.

Scholars: Whooo! Yeah!

Scholar One: Way to hit the port bong bro!

Scholar Two: No joke! Hey dude, can you like hook me up with your sister? The instructor in the Dance department?

Ancient Greek is a language that is no longer used by most people. Those that know it well enough to be able to read Harry Potter will more than likely know another language. I doubt that the ancient Greek translation exists for all those people out there that only know ancient Greek and lack the educational opportunities to learn another language. What other purpose could this book serve other than to market to other alien civilizations?

I bet it’s for an alien race that visited the planet during the time of the Greeks and don’t have any records of our modern languages. Think of the ancient Greek Harry Potter as the interplanetary release edition. I wonder if the alien races will get free super saver shipping from Amazon with interstellar shipping? And what about Amazon Prime interstellar customers?

Amazon shipping clerks pack ancient Greek Harry Potter, ancient Sumerian Chicken Soup for the Soul, and ancient Mayan The Secret.

ASC 1: Gwartoch of the crab Nebula wants free two day shipping!

ASC 2: We better call Richard Dean Anderson again.

Books like the Harry Potter series are innocent enough. What happens when we start translating books like Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons or True Face of God by the Raelian Movement? The aliens will simply categorize the human race as a pollution of knowledge and prevent them from ever leaving the planet.

Think what would happen if the wealth of human knowledge became unleashed on an unsuspecting advanced alien civilization? Our scientific achievements will pale in comparison to their own. They really won’t spend much time on say, the current theories of quantum mechanics because they already have a more advanced theory. In essence, all our science will be nothing more than nostalgia value.

Alien One: Wow, their current theory of gravitational force is still relativity! Remember when we were kids and tried build a relativistic worm hole traveler out of trashcans? And Xaigruk melted his sire’s kitchen?

Alien Two: Good times. Good times. Those were the days. Hey, why are we speaking English?

Alien One: I don’t know…

All our science is ancient history to them. The only export we could give them is our entertainment, which could be very detrimental. All sorts of unneeded influences could hinder their civilization. A team of scientists working diligently to save their home star system from going super nova could waste valuable time because they just had to see who was voted off this week in The Bachelor. Earthling worshipping cults could pop up everywhere after they read People Magazine. Days of research and the pursuit of learning could be lost when they purchase the DVD sets of their favorite television shows and start thinking, ‚ÄúOne more episode couldn‚Äôt hurt.‚ÄĚ

In short, our entertainment will be the end of an advanced alien civilization as we know it and the beginning of a larger viewing demographic for American Idol. Hopefully, when Simon tells a three eyed snarling beast to give up singing, it would eat him and end that series for good. The easier solution would be to prevent humans from leaving the planet. Just isolate our system and filter out the frequencies that leave the planet.

Like any good alien conspiracy theory, it must be based on a wild premise with unfounded truths. I think, I’ve established those already. It’s clear that the handwriting is vaguely on the wall. So what can we do about this alien conspiracy? Just mere undressing ceremonies like the Raelians won’t do it. (Besides, would you share your vast scientific knowledge with thousands of naked cult members that think Cheez Whiz is a gift from the Gods if someone wrote the bible in Chez Whiz?).

I think it‚Äôs time to take action and purchase all the copies of my books, movies, and rock albums that you can (with links conveniently located on the sidebar —>). That way, like any good alien conspiracy cult leader, I can use the proceeds to build a ‚Äėchurch‚Äô that is just disguised as my fifty bedroom house. Then I can spread the word of the religion faster with a really nice sports car that gets 2 mpg (It‚Äôs all for a good cause). The money will slowly filter back to the little people when I take vacations, I mean missions, around the world. It‚Äôs a perfect plan to thwart the alien conspiracy. My cult will be named, the Fralean Movement.

I even have a photo of your dear leader to worship:

Na-na-na-nan-na-na Leader!

Leader of the Fraleans looks stoically to the future

Awoo! Ufo’s Over London!

The wily online is at it again. This time there are UFO’s over London! I believe in alien life in the universe. The possibility of aliens visiting earth doesn’t seem entirely wackadoodle. However, this recent UFO extravaganza has a certain “Blair Witch” feel to it. Speaking of “witch”, where is Josh? Josh? JOSH? Where is he? He has the MAP!

Two hours later:

Girl: Josh? JOSH? Where is he?

Guy: I don’t know. Doesn’t this feel like it’s taking too long? Do you think we should do something different?

Girl: You mean Josh being missing isn’t scary anymore?

Guy: Not really.

Girl: Well, I’m out of ideas.

For those of you that were lost on that reference. I’m referring to the 1999 movie spectacle The Blair Witch Project. This movie was preceded with television specials and leaked footage designed to make you think the events in the movie really happened. They used the radio broadcast “War of the Worlds” marketing tactic. If people believe that the event was real, the hype will spread on it’s own. The hype was so big that people flocked to see this movie which was essentially a group of teenagers lost in the woods, with “something mysterious” doing spooky “things”.

On a side note, while l was leaving the theater from this movie, I overheard the best after the movie comment ever made. An old lady with a bitter and raspy voice said and I quote, “This movie would have been better in Texas.”

Let’s take a moment to really think about that comment. My brother used to live in Houston. I live in Albuquerque. The 16 hour journey from the two cities was a regular occurrence in my life. I’ve went through Amarillo, Lubbock, Fort Stockton, Dallas, San Antonio, and just about any route through the massive state of Texas during various trips. I can assure you that most of the state is dessert, plains, hills, and terrain where you can see vast distances on the horizon. Maybe The Blair Witch Project would have been better in Texas.

Girl: Josh? JOSH!

Guy: Look! He is there on the horizon!

Girl: Oh good! He has the map.

Guy: Nevermind. Blair Witch got him.

Girl: I guess we better not go that way. Look, I can see the city in the distance.

Guy: Let’s go that way.

Roll credits.

To cut the old lady a break, maybe she was from Houston, where the surrounding country side is forest, on a flat plain, where one could climb the highest tree and see for miles…

UFO’s? London? What does this have to do with an old lady in Texas? Nothing really. I just get sidetracked easily. Oooh! A red dot is on the ground. Haha! Hehe! Wheee! Ahhh! It’s hiding in the vent now. Maybe if I wait long enough, it will come back.

The UFO’s over London is a set of videos released on the internet that shows footage of alien crafts flying over the BBC building (yes, the building with access to special effects technology irony is not lost on me). The footage has a eerie “real” factor in the sense that there are several videos from different angles capturing the same event. Before I comment, I will show you the strongest video of the few:

While it looks very real to someone like me with no video effect expertise, the fact remains that only the people making the videos saw these UFO’s. In fact, I even went to the BBC’s website and couldn’t find a news article about this event on the day it happened. The fact remains that the only news is about the videos themselves and not anything at all about the event.

London is a pretty big city. OK a fucking huge city. UFO’s dancing in broad daylight would probably produce more eyewitnesses and amateur video than the current “evidence” at hand. Who doesn’t have a video camera on their phone? Why didn’t people call the BBC asking if they knew what was happening? And why didn’t the BBC tell all their employees to point a camera out the window when the calls started rolling in? Where are all the eye witnesses? Not just people in the video but the millions of people that live in the city?

One could of course object and say that people without an open mind would not see the UFO anyway. I say please find me this person without an open mind. Even the Catholic Church believes in the possibility of alien life, and those guys took a little convincing about the roundness of our planet. Most of us Earthlings, have seen Science Fiction movies and are already sort of “primed” to understand the concept of a spaceship. Should a spaceship appear over a major urban center. You bet there would be slews of video.

I have to say this is The Blair Witch II: Electric Boogaloo and a carefully designed marketing ploy to make a forth coming movie seem real. However, the scope of the design is mis-focused. The Blair Witch used on a small town with a small group of people. It’s easy to believe tales about remote areas because there wouldn’t be a lot witnesses. It’s easy to control the information. London is a different story.

Ultimately if an alien presence wanted to make itself known to human kind, a large city like London would be great place to do it. There is no possible way to refute the evidence. However, a redneck with a moonshine still in the backwoods makes a great target to study if you don’t want to be known (I imagine alien tour companies offering redneck abduction packages). So have aliens visited earth? I don’t know. Did they visit London June, 2011? Probably not. Though I’d love see aliens in schleppy Union Jack t-shirts with tacky Big Ben trinkets.