#PotAD 4 – Werewolves of London by #WarrenZevon

You know when you’re a kid and you hear a song lyric incorrectly, but you swear that your version is the right one, and the fiction turns out to be more wonderful than the truth? Werewolves of London is that song for me. I had always thought that he was saying Werewolves of Thunder. How cool would that be? Werewolves of Thunder! Maybe they could even showdown with the Thunder Cats. Alas, my childhood fantasy of thunder werewolves was not meant to be. However, in a lot of ways, the character of Jasputin Trotsky is much cooler in the story of his head than in reality.

Jasputin was a character brewing long before I decided to get back into writing science fiction again. When we first started dating, my wife had a small 18 pound dog named Jasper. It took one weekend of watching him while she was out of town to earn his love. Now he sleeps on my shoulder as I type this post. When my wife and I first moved in together long before we were married. We got a nice slice of the ghetto near Burton Park. Since the neighborhood on the other side was nicer than ours, we’d muse on our walks about what was going on in the dog’s head.

We had created this inner monologue of this great hero who guards the house and called my wife, mommy, and me, “man”. Since our dog seemed to take every task with a grave sense of importance be it barking at the mailman, or walking through the park, we amused ourselves for hours with a “dog” voice about what Jasper thought about the world. We had visions of our dog sitting in a large stuffy chair in a gentleman’s sitting room, smoking a cigar and sipping cognac, talking about the rise and fall of bone prices. We created mysteries perpetrated by an “m-man” only to be discovered later that it was mailman all along. He was a dog PI named Licks Waggert. A Russian revolutionary named Jasputin Trotsky. A landed gentry named Sniff Barklington with our cat Mura Purmewsmith.

Though Jasper’s appearance in my novel almost never happened. In the first draft, the dog was flavor text for the first chapter. Later on (spoiler alert), I realized that actuators would probably need some helpers who could take the equivalent of the employee corridors of a haunted house. If a building was designed to test, then someone had to reset the test and clean up the bodies. The “friends” were born, and if there was going to be a character from the core group who was destined to join the friends, why not use this larger than life character my wife and I created together. My only regret is that I didn’t get to use more of our silly dog related creations. Maybe one day, I’ll write a dog fantasy novel with a hardened PI named Licks Waggert.

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Moving Day

I helped move Babcia (Polish for grandmother) out of the old folks home yesterday. She will be living with my aunt in Colorado. While we were taking some items out to the parking lot, my wife, Uncle, and I saw a Chihuahua running around the parking lot yipping at us. This parking lot had desert behind it so the dog could wander off. The process of attempting to catch it went like this:

Chihuahua: Hey you! Buddy! Don’t you try nothing! I’ll kick your ass!

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: You better not mess with me! I know karate!

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: Look dude, I’m the size of a German Shepard. I will end you.

We take a few steps forward. The dog takes a few steps back.

Chihuahua: It’s on! Bring on the pain!

Not wanting the dog to bolt into the desert, I changed tactic and my wife suggested I tell the front desk about the dog. It just so happens that the resident that owns the dog was also at the front desk. He was an old man with a walker, slacks, button up shirt and suspenders. He told us he’ll take care of it and that was the end of it.

Later on, I saw another old guy who was dressed exactly like the one with the dog. I really did mistake him for the one with the dog. Here is how the interaction went:

Aaron: Did you find your dog?

Old Guy 2: Nope, I put him down a few years ago.

Awkward… slowly… creep… away…

Dogs Not Jihads

My wife and I have finally figured out how to really end any extremist activity that endangers the lives of innocent people: Dogs Not Jihads. Instead of supplying terrorists with training, weapons, and military tactics, we will give them a basket full of puppies instead. When given the option of acts of violence or a loveable dog, the choice is obvious.

The whole Osama Bin Laden ordeal could have been prevented way back during the cold war. When Osama went to the United States for training and weapons to boot the Russians out of Afghanistan, the US should have responded with a gift basket of puppies. Who can really declare jihad with a basket full of puppies on their doorstep?

Osama: Curse you American Pig… oh look… the one with a spot on his head loves his brother by licking his ear! I think I will name him Akbar-Jihad-Musta-Kill-Lot-of-American-Capitalist-Hate-Regime-Terror-Death-Destroy-Ali-Jab-Dak’har!

This idea that probably won’t change the world really doesn’t have to stop with dogs. Other cute animals can be used as well. Let’s say on the off chance you are a crazy separatist religious group located in the vicinity of Waco, Texas. You really aren’t bothering anybody, aside from brainwashing and a little sexual abuse. The FBI decides to have a dance off-

FBI: When your a jet your a jet all the way.

David Koresh: Um… can we have a stand off instead?

FBI: Fine, Broadway is obviously dead.

David Koresh: I beg to differ! We use this compound to rehearse numbers from Ritual Sexual Abuse, The Musical!

FBI: Let’s just have the stand off.

-stand off. Before you set fire to the compound and machine gun your way into history… look… what’s that. An FBI Agent is bringing something to the compound. It seems like a… yes, it is! A basket full of kittens! They are so cute. Look at them batting the little bow on the basket with their tiny little paws. That’s so precious. With such cuteness in the world, how can anyone even want to brainwash and sexually abuse anymore!

Of course there are always extremists assholes that are so heinous that they’d probably try to kick the puppies. So live animals aren’t always the answer. But the idea is the same. Make them so incredibly cute that they really couldn’t be mean to anyone. Imagine Hitler wearing a cute little sailor suit holding a giant lollipop. A man with a lollipop that big isn’t thinking about mass genocide.

The people of the planet can finally relax now that we have a way to deal with all human rights travesties. Hotel Rwanda can be a leash free zone by simply replacing the bullets with tennis balls. Some bunnies and flower baskets placed in the DMZ on the 38th parallel has way more lasting effects than landmines! You can’t even see the landmines to enjoy their beauty! Extremists of the world watch out, Japanese school girls will have your googly eyed cell phone trinket likeness any day now!