The True Winners of Election Day 2012

Taylor Swift 2012

“Madam President, all the people that made fun of you in high school are hiding in North Korea and we suggest you take swift action. No pun intended.”

Here is the official Won’t Change the World predictions for today:

President – Taylor Swift – Not only did she release a new album near election time but probably more people listened to it than will end up voting in the election. At least we’ll finally have our first woman president.

US Senate – Jerry Seinfeld will be the clear winner in this election. Considering he spent the entire nineties on a tv show about nothing. He can spend the entire tweens in government that does nothing.

US Representative – Ice T. Though he’ll actually do something. He’ll use his badass street smarts to play the playas, and take care of business. Ain’t no shit going down while Ice T is on the beat.

Minimum Wage Increase – The real joke is that with the wage increase, basic human services such as healthcare will still be priced out of people’s reach.

New Mexico Senate – That local guy who was in a movie. You know… that guy. In the movie. Everyone knows about him. He’s all famous. He was in the same room when Billy Bob Thorton walked into the scene. That’s like super famous.

New Mexico Representative – We are not sure. We have representatives? When did that happen?

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15 Ways to get More Voters

Typical voter turn out for polling places without fully stocked bars.

More Americans should vote. The team at Ideas That Won’t Change the World (by team I mean me) have generated a slew of  methods to ensure this election has an unprecedented voter turn out.

1. Threaten to execute small puppies if people don’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the Democrats.

2. Threaten to take away the guns of everyone who doesn’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the Republicans.

3. Threaten to kill Justin Bieber if people don’t vote. Though this tactic will skew an election to the 13-year-old girl party.

4. Make sure that voting causes cancer and sponsor it with iconic images of cowboys and cartoon Llamas.

Testosterone Man: After a tough day of rounding up bulls with my fist, I relax with a cool, refreshing vote. Oh god…

Larry Llama: What?

Testosterone Man: My lungs are disintegrating…

Testosterone Man dies.

Larry Llama: Sucks to be you! Hey ladies, I’m a sex symbol that votes.

Lady: Dating a llama human hybrid is kind of creepy.

Camel Joe: Saweet! Back in the game. Hey ladies…

Lady: A camel man is kind of creepy too.

An overweight man dressed as a Furry eating Cheetos enters.

Lady: Now that’s hot baby!

5. Three words: Happy Ending Voting.

6. Offer free dates from dating reality TV show rejects.

Jenna: Why doesn’t he love ME? WE’VE KNOWN EACH FOR TWO DAYS! HE SHOULD LOVE ME! WHERE IS MY RING!

Dude: Um… I’m just here to vote…

7. Ritalin infused ice cream for the kids.

8. Count the Facebook “like” button as votes.

9. If you vote, you can take a b-rated celebrity home.

Voter: Man, I got Steven Baldwin last year.

10. Pro-wrestlers and large breasted women should give the lectures on civic duty.

11. Pick fights on message boards. Insist that people who don’t vote are so GAY. Insult their manhood. Because those tactics work!

12. Since it’s a well known fact that more Americans vote in American Idol than the Presidential election, hold American Idol style elections. The judges will be Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore, and Rush Limbaugh.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Rush Limbaugh: I hate you.

Michael Moore: I hate you.

Noam Chomsky: Guys, guys, can’t we all just get along?

Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh touch fists.

Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh: Extremist political ideology active! Form of Rhetoric!

Michael Moore turns into Fahrenheit 911. Rush Limbaugh turns into The Way Things Ought to Be.

13. Allow internet porn sites to be a voting venue.

14. Turn voting into a Ponzi scheme.

15. The best way to encourage people to vote: Beer.

2012 Apocalypse Election

With the election not too far away, I wanted to give you my professional unbiased analysis of this year’s presidential candidates. And by professional, I mean some guy sitting at a computer. And by unbiased, I mean outrageously slanted. And by analysis, I mean that I’m completely making everything up.

Gay Marriage:

Obama: Had the balls to come out and say it. It’s about fucking time.

Romney: Sexual repression is not funny nor should you be laughing.

Healthcare:

Obama: Takes long overdue action to provide a service that most of the first world does for free.

Romney: Likes foreclosed houses from overdue medical bills.

Taxes:

Obama: Doesn’t use them to get rich people richer.

Romney: 1% of the wealth staying in the hands of the wealthy works great! Just look at what the banks did with it! I mean… the automotive industry… the pharmaceuticals… the real estate market… um… crap.

Energy:

Obama: Supports a system that won’t choke the planet.

Romney: Did we learn nothing from Enron??!?

Supreme Court:

Obama: Most likely to appoint Samuel L. Jackson as Supreme Court Justice.*

Romney: Most likely to appoint Arnold Schwarzenegger as Supreme Court Justice.*

*Though we here at Ideas That Won’t Change the World would like to see them battle it out for the seat. And not to give an unfair advantage but we’d like to see it on a mother fucking plane.

2012 Apocalypse:

Obama: Most likely to prevent it with policies that favor humans over greed.

Romney: Most likely to cause it. But not how you think. It’s a baking accident. Very messy…

Facebook:

Obama: 27,301,803 likes in a demographic too apathetic to vote.

Romney: 2,342,058 likes in a demographic thankfully too apathetic to vote.