The Juice

Opera Voice: Anal Leakage!

May cause: bleeding, hernia, anal leakage, death, head explosion, anal leakage, spasms, internal organ combustion, excessive sweat, did we mention anal leakage? Consult your doctor for a free trial…

I am not really a pill person. In fact, I don’t really know anyone who is a pill person:

Waiter: Welcome Pharmanoodles where we have pills and noodles.

Woman: I’ll have the Pad Thai… wait, you have pills! I’ll just take pills.

I guess Meth Addicts would be more of a pill person:

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Which brings me to the point. Why do so many Americans take pills when the cost of a better diet is way cheaper? I’m not really spouting any new information. Hippocrates, a dead dude who invented malpractice, said “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Exercise and diet are the key to healthiness.

The cost of medications alone should be enough sway people to eat healthier. But Americans have to do things in the extreme. Why take one pill when you can take nine? Your meds are making you depressed? Take another pill. But better diets can reduce the pill load. There is really no secret to healthy eating. Eat more vegetables. Americans treat vegetables with disdain and suspicion like someone decided to take shit on their plate. Fast food reinforces this believe by only offering vegetables that could double as toilet paper and often do.

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Me: Could you stop that? I’m trying to write a humor piece. Here, have some juice.

There is this widespread belief that vegetables will not nourish our bodies that we need loads of meat and carbs. But there is a big difference between nourish and satiate. Large portions of carbs and meat satiate, they make you not feel hungry. But they don’t nourish. Nourishing the body involves adding vitamins the body needs to keep it running. So completely lacking vegetables leads to a deficiency in the vitamins the body needs to keep running propperly so we use medication to keep those processes going.

Back in the days before immigrants were hunted...

Notice how the cornucopia is filled with fruit and veggies… not burgers and fries.

So for me, it’s a very simple equation. I could spend a lot of money on medication or spend money on vegetables. So I’ve decided to start juicing. It’s like packing in a metric shit ton of vegetables into a cup. What could be more American than cramming something into thirty-two ounce cup? I can’t just go halfway maybe include more veggies on the plate than meat and carbs. I want to take a giant mound of veggies, more than a human could possibly eat in a day and condense it into a cup. Juicing is probably the most extreme version of vegetable intake. It’s so extreme that it’s sounds like some drug fad.

Meth Addict: Man you got the juice? I need a hit!

Dealer: Sorry, all I have is Meth. It takes too much time to juice and it’s too hard to clean up after juicing.

Meth Addict: Sounds logical to me…

Dealer: People will suck your dick for Meth. Unless they’re vegan. Then they’ll do it for juice.

Meth Addict: Do you really want Meth addicts to suck your dick? I have no teeth and scabs.

Dealer: I don’t think healthy sexual relations really play into the dealer/addict relationship.

Meth Addict: We sound like we should be in graduate school.

Dealer: That’s a good idea. Maybe I can give myself options besides a life of crime through education.

Five years later: The Dealer has graduated with his Chemistry PHD. He is giving the valedictorian speech.

Dealer: Hello class of 2018. The job market still sucks and there is nothing for my education level. I have more student loan debt than I can possibly pay off. But at least I can fall back on selling Meth!

Juicing involves piling more vegetables than a third-world nation family sees in a year on the counter, putting them in a machine, and drinking them in a tiny little cup. If you do it right, they taste pretty good. If your like me, you just sort of cram everything into the juice including the cat hiding under the vegetable pile. And juice the stuff which doesn’t always taste so good. So I’ll be sipping a juice feigning the wonderfulness of my drink and my wife doesn’t really believe it.

I’m drinking some brown goop while cringing.

Me: This is great!

Another sour face.

Wife: Un-huh.

Me: You want some?

Wife: No.

Another butthole pucker face.

Me: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

For some reason, she didn’t trust me. But isn’t that how all relationships are? They just don’t trust you when you meet your completely platonic friend in the a hotel room with a teddy bear, flowers, candy, and a box of condoms. They don’t believe you when you say you are simply filming a webseries about a teddy bear that uses a box of condoms to make balloon animal friends.

Teddy: Jeepers, that’s quite the long neck mister giraffe.

Giraffe: Only when I’m excited.

Laugh track.

Teddy: Are you sure there is candy in the magical flower forest?

Giraffe: There is but it’s guarded by a troll and you have to suck his dick.

Teddy: Wowza!

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Land of Quantum Entanglement

This is an example of alternate text and lazy blogging.

Thomas P. Chile (Virginia) discovered the chile pepper after making a Native American family disappear. He justified his actions by saying “They’ll have casinos one day.”

New Mexico asks an important question of all of us: Red or Green? The question is so important to New Mexicans, they’ve actually gone so far as to make the choice of red or green the actual state question. Unlike Arizona, where the state question is “Immigration papers?”

For those who live outside New Mexico, you are probably wondering red or green what? But most likely you are wondering, I wonder if the light speed barrier is nulled by spooky action at a distance and does it account for red shifted light-waves? And occasionally you wonder, did I leave the door unlocked? While very rarely you wonder, will the writer get on with it and make his damn point? The answer to red or green is chile (peppers not what a toothless guy named Tex would make the posse during the campfire scene). So what would you like with your food? Red or Green? The answer to the question is of course 42.

Most New Mexican transplants start with the reaction of green? I didn’t know chile could be green! Is that because spooky action at a distance brings out the possibility of parallel universes so ergo the laws of physics could be different thus the frequency of light-wavelengths that we classify as red are really green? And if that’s true, why are they using the ability to transport between universes for chile in restaurants? Or you could just be thinking, green chile? Must be mold.

Green chile is neither mold or a trans-universe warp experiment on unsuspecting restaurant guests, but in fact the most tasty form of chile in the history of ever. And for those of you who think red chile is the most tasty chile in the history of ever. Please review these facts:

It's good to be the king!

“Has anyone seen my pants?”

1. Aaron has taste buds.

2. King George II declared Aaron’s taste buds the arbiter of all that is tasty in 1732.

3. The British empire spanned the entire planet at the time so they pretty much knew what was good for the planet.

So that historic day when down like this:

Mother: My soup is the best! Isn’t that right Georgie Worgie?

George II: I’m King George II Ma! Sheesh!

Wife: My soup is way better! You tell her Georgie Pie.

George II: Can’t a guy just rule an empire with dignity! Fine, we will settle this once and for all. I declare that the taste buds of Aaron will be arbiter of all that is tasty, and he will be born in 1978!

Wife: But!

Mother: That’s not…

George II: Hey, I don’t make the rules, God tells me and I follow them. Until then, both your soups are good!

Adviser: Excuse me sir, we have the Rape the Local Culture Act we need signed into law.

George II: Excuse me ladies, I’ve got some ruling to do.

And if you don’t believe that green chile is the best, I make this simple challenge, eat every variety of chile on the planet. Drink a whole lot of laxatives. Have a whole bunch of frat boys chest bump each other and yell “Way to go bro! I can’t believe you did that!” Then later on, use your fraternity contacts to get a high paying job. Work your way up to CEO. Then I can black mail you for $20 by threatening to release photos of the “chile” incident back in college. I will be $20 richer. And if enough people do it, I’ll have my own pyramid scheme.

Me: Hi, I’m Aaron Frale from Ass Blastarinos.

Audience Member: Is this some sort exercise program?

Me: No really, but you will lose some weight!

Audience Member: So it’s a porno?

Me: A porno pyramid scheme… interesting…

Three weeks later…

The funny thing is I bet this porn actually exists.

“I want to suck your… Did you remember a condom? Can’t be too careful these days. I was tested last week. But rather than demand test papers, I figure we be safe and use condom.”

Me: Alright folks, so the porn industry makes a lot of money in sequels, The Life of Penis IV and Harry Squatter XIV, and so forth. Now it’s time for you to get a piece of that. You make the sequels to my film, and then you get three people to make sequels to your film and we all get rich.

Audience Member: What if I’m too ugly to be in porn?

Me: Porn is the great equalizer folks, no one is too ugly for it. No matter what strange deformity, you’ll probably find a porn for it.

Audience Member: What if my lower half is a squid?

Me: We have some anime for you.

So if you ever find yourself partaking in local New Mexican cuisine and you see a guy whose lower half is a squid, you are more than likely partaking in peyote. However, if you are partaking in the local flavor of New Mexico that doesn’t involve hallucinogenic drugs, and the server asks “red or green?” Say green. It’s yummy. Trust me, the squid guy told me so.

The Tacos Are Nigh

The bible tells us that the world will end. The bible also tells us that if someone rapes our daughters, the rapist can marry them if they pay off the father. But let’s ignore the fact that the bible can be wrong on some occasions and assume the world will end. One of the signs of the apocalypse is the rivers turning to blood. China’s Yangtze river turned red. Thus, I have pretty solid proof of the apocalypse.

 If you still are not convinced of the final days of Earth. I also have some solid irrefutable proof. Take this passage prophesized by ancient mystics who possessed the gift of sight:

These words were found on a form of communication used in ancient times called “a billboard”.

These words of wisdom are everywhere. They’re on billboards, TV ads, and even fast food restaurants. Any good conspiracy writer knows that seeing a pattern more than twice means global cabal or something at the very least diabolical. Conspiracies must be at the very heart of society to be worth anything. But what could the soothsayers be saying when they ask us to think outside the bun? Just what is “the bun” anyway? Because I am really qualified in paranoia, I will do all the thinking for you. Fret not! So long as you read my blog and my theories, you’ll never have to think for yourself again.

In today’s fast paced on the go society, critical thinking seems like it takes too much time. You have important things to accomplish – like sharing that god awful Rebecca Black video with your co-workers every Friday. You also have that bus to catch. And why think on the bus? Your phone has 365 days worth of music. Thinking is hard and kind of a waste of time when there are blogs to do it for you. Besides, maybe Rebecca Black will release a new song about Mondays. Wouldn’t that cheer up the dull office? Your co-workers will really appreciate-

BLAM!

We apologize for the inconvenience. The narrator has been shot and out sourced to another country were the employees learned English in a two week on the job training course: 

Conspiracy bun thinking outside of. Taking into account thinking. Hard working but we apologize. Free month credit to account. Bun thinking very out of-

BLAM!

We apologize for the interruption again. The country destabilized in a military coup. Though we will provide better service because the new dictator has no concept of civil rights will pay highly skilled workers pennies on the dollar. Enjoy!

What does “think outside the bun” mean anyway? The Earth is very obviously a bun. You can tell by when a celiac touches the ground, they die. Because the Earth is a giant bun, there must be some sort of meat product in the center. Since no one is eating the meat product, it must be rotting and turning the rivers red!

The soothsayers were warning us! They were telling us to think outside the bun because the planet is rotting! If the planet were fries, then we’d be safe because fries never decompose. Ever notice how when you find a fry in your car seat, it looks brand new even though you lost it years ago?

Meat decomposes. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to drive a minivan (Shut up! My parents weren’t rich. It was a hand me down). So needless to say, I was always the driver among my friends. One summer, my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a steak house. One of my friends ordered a rare steak. The steak was still mooing. He only ate half of it.

Months later, when I was cleaning out my minivan, I found tinfoil under the seat. Not really thinking that there could be biohazard material in there, I decided to see what was inside. My teenage years were in Albuquerque. 100 degree summers… Yep… Let’s just say I was lucky I didn’t become the first victim of what was a fundamentally a new life form.

Ready for actionNow think about how global warming comes into play. The meat in the planet’s bun is over heating. Disaster is fairly nigh. The ancients told us to think outside the bun because they want us to get off the planet before it starts to smell! I strongly urge you to write letters to your governments. Tell them we need a Taco Bell in space! It’s the only thing that will save the planet. Don’t worry, I have plan to build it. Bruce Willis and a rag tag group of brave adventurers can construct it while I collect that Taco Bell celebrity endorsement check… um I mean. DOOOM! DOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! Write those letters.

What’s Better Than a Food Fight?

My wife cringes at the thought of printing food. Whereas, I rejoice in the idea that I can simply click “Yes” to the question:

Computer: Would you like to print dinner?

Me: Yes.

Computer: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Computer: I don’t think I believe you.

Me: Just print the food.

Computer: Is that all I am to you? A slave to your orders! You told me you loved me!

Me: I was chatting with my wife!

Computer: You typed that on my keyboard!

I would love to have the ability to prepare diner with a click of a button. My wife would die a little inside with each click. She is a food artist. Michelangelo said he would see the shape of a sculpture in a block of stone before carving it out. My wife is the same way with food. When I see raw ground beef, I think “Yep, that’s beef.” She sees the beef as endless possibilities of edible delight. I can’t connect the raw ingredients to the end product. She can visualize each separate component coalescing on the plate.

Whenever I shop with my wife at the grocery store, she fills the basket with all sorts of ingredients and food product I have never seen in my life. I honestly didn’t know that there were vegetables that looked like prop in b-rated science fiction movie. What seems like an assortment of random items in a mad science experiment to me…

Mad Scientist: Tor, pass me the endives.

Tor: Tor get endive!

Mad Scientist: And the kale.

Tor: Tor get Kale!

Mad Scientist: And the Jabotacaba,

Tor: Tor confused.

Mad Scientist: I’m trying to eat healthy. Shut up.

Tor: I’m not judging.

…is a fully prepared meal to her. She is the Michelangelo of cooking. Whereas, I am the Mrs. O’Leary third grade class of cooking. My cooking skills lack the finesse of a true artist. Microwave pizza was about my level of complexity. Now, I’ve moved on to frozen meat patties. In fact, the only cook book I owned before meeting my wife was, A Man A Can A Plan (which didn’t turn out so well). It’s easy to see why the food printer makes me really excited. One step closer to a replicator reality for me and the end of food artistry for my wife.

Food printing is like replicating. The printer will create the food out of any ingredient. I always liked the idea in the Star Trek series that you can eat a chocolate sundae without the negative effects on your health. The food printer offers us the ability to produce a food product that tastes like a cheeseburger but is made with broccoli. To come to my wife’s defense, she cooks the most amazing food that also maintains a healthy eating standard.  However, it would be really nice to have food printing for those nights that we end up at Blake’s Lotaburger or eating Sonic Blasts (a funny name when you think about it). I’d imagine chocolate tasting broccoli sundaes will be pretty popular among parents.

Kid: I don’t want to eat my vegetables!

Mom: If you eat your veggies, you’ll get a sundae!

Kid: Yay!

The kid starts eating.

Mom: (under her breath) Stupid kid.

Aside from health, food printing will have many different benefits to society.  For example, dates:

Girl: Is the sausage, meatball plate a representation of your proposed activities later or a to scale model?

A sly grin curls on the guy’s face; he winks.

Girl: Oh… oh!

Cults:

Leader: The Tony Danza shaped steak is a metaphor, son.

Peace Treaties:

A Jello Liechtenstein and Luxembourg soldiers shaking hands displays on the table.

Luxembourg Official: Why did our countries fight for so long?

Liechtenstein Official: You called me short.

Luxembourg Official: Why do people always pick on us because our country is so small?

Liechtenstein Official: I don’t know. Let’s invade wontchangetheworld. Last I heard, his blog was smaller than ours!

Luxembourg Official: Yeah, what like, two people read it!

Fundraising Events:

Bob: Um, Ted?

Ted: Yes.

Bob: Remember when I said the Hors d’oeuvres should reflect the event?

Ted: The Leprosy Research Foundation?

Bob: Oh god… the mayor is… get a bucket.

Live Action Role Playing:

A fat boy dressed in a cape devours goblin cake.

Cape Boy: 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage.

High School Event:

A principal speaks on a podium. A curtain is over a table on the stage.

Principal: The new math building will make our school great. In celebration of this momentous occasion, the lunch staff prepared a lasagna shaped like the new addition.

The principal yanks off the curtain. The crowd gasps in shock and horror! The guy from the date scene grins and winks.

So there you have it. The food printer, folks! Now if you’ll excuse me, Liechtenstein is invading my living room.