25 Reasons to Fire Your Therapist

Doesn't this violate patient confidentiality?

“I hold the pad like this to hide my boner.”

1. “Sounds like you have a sleep disorder. Better take this pill, chain yourself to the bed at night, and don’t forget to leave your home address with the receptionist.”

2. He follows up all his advice by yelling the word, “NOT!” For example, “It’s perfectly normal to be anxious, NOT!” or “You are feeling this way because of your parents divorce, NOT!”

3. His solution to every problem is joining the Marines. One day, you see him putting on his suit jacket and vest and there is a Marine uniform under it.

4. “The problem with your marriage is your wife doesn’t fuck you like she fucks me. Did I say that out loud?”

5. Offers to prescribe certain drugs if you split your stash with him.

6. “Thoughts of suicide? May I interest you in a Jihad I’ve been working on?”

7. He stares you down and quotes from Cool Hand Luke.

Metal Therapy!

Who needs therapy when you have rock!

8. You are struggling to grasp how all the Lemmy from Motorhead analogies fit into your life.

9. He is always swapping addictions, “Alcohol problem? Try gambling!”

10. “In times like these, you have to ask yourself What Would James Franco do? Would James Franco give up? WOULD HE? Nether should you!”

 11. Excessive farting… yep.

12. .”It’s ok to do everything god tells you. After all, god knows all. What are you doing with that gas can?”

13. Every conversation ends with him in tears talking about his issues.

14. Uses 2,000 year-old morality codes to give you advice about internet dating.

15. “Are you dead yet? I really need to beat Bill this month.”

16. The Ghostbusters quotes were amusing in the beginning but lost their luster when your emotional milestone was reduced to “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!”

17. Always laughs then says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Continue. I was thinking of last night’s Family Guy.”

18. “Can I take a picture for my spank bank? I have this thing about crying women…”

19. “No shit! Imagine that! I’m a shape-shifting serial killer too!”

20. You are checking in to the obsessive behavior clinic. The entire office is decked out in Star Trek gear. You come into his office and he is dressed as Deanna Troi.

21. Clown Therapy…

22. He somehow always uses Snoop Dogg lyrics during the session, “Your problem is that your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind. I’d suggest driving down the street, sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.”

23. He periodically looks up from his tablet exclaiming about a farm and/or dragon.

24. Suggests a LARPing group for an escape. You go to find out he’s the only member. Offers to do the sex scenes by phone.

25. Your therapist is really Obama in disguise “just checking on the citizens.”

Advertisements

Insult Therapy

This week, I’ve dusted off an old short film I wrote. There wasn’t really much of a soundtrack on the film so it was an unique opportunity to slap some Spiral songs on it. So it’s a rare combination of my comedy and my rock band. Enjoy and share it if you laughed either at or with it:

12 Google Graphics You Won’t See Anytime Soon

Google it!

My wife recently had a birthday and on the day Google made a Google graphic just for her (my computer had the regular Google site). When you click on it, the graphic went to her Google Plus profile. It was cute and made me realize that there are certain Google graphics you’ll never see:

1. August 6 – You are unlikely to see a cutesie image of an atom bomb incinerating the first few letters, melting the green off the “L” and deforming the “e”. The bombing of Hiroshima only warms hearts by baking them from the inside out.

2. October 4 – Imagine little nazi Google letters marching while the “e” watches in disgust. The planned neo-nazi march in the Jewish community of Skokie, Illinois may make Mel Gibson happy but the rest of America may have reaction similar to the “e”.

3. September 11 – You probably won’t see the two “o’s” towering above the other letters with two planes flying towards them.

4. April 14 – The “l” with a top hat and the wacky “G” dressed as John Wilkes Booth pulling out a comically large gun.  The Theatre won’t be the only thing dying in America.

5. December 21 – All the letters running in terror as the Mayan apocalypse reigns destruction and terror on us all. You won’t see this one less due to insensitivity and more to the fact that it didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have sold that house.

6. March 24 – The “G” crashes into the “o’s” and all the little bird “l’s”, and seal “e’s” are covered with gushing oil. The drunk Exxon Valdez Capitan stumbles out as a small “g” vomiting on the birds and seals.

7. June 6 – The Google letters landing on the beaches of Normandy. And in a Saving Private Ryan style bloodbath, all the letters getting gunned down. The letters will scream for their moms while holding their guts and you stop their screams by clicking over to “fun” D-Day facts.

8. February 21 – The “o’s” form a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun and the “l” guns down the “G” turning into an “X”.  The small “g” turns into Spike Lee’s hat. He makes a movie about the incident. The white “e” complains about not having a “white history month.” The “X” dies replying, “every month is white history month.”

9. May 6 – The lumbering giant “G” crashes into the other letters-setting them on fire. Led Zeppelin makes an album cover.

10. November 30 – The “e” falls from the sky and clunks the “G” on the head. Blood gushes and the “G” collapses. Most people may not know that the first documented case of a meteor striking a person happened November 30, 1952. What better way to inform the public than with hilarious violent animation!

11.  January 6 – The “o’s” turn into the Zia symbol on the New Mexico State flag. The big “G” for federal government declares New Mexico a state. So quit welcoming me to the damn country.

12.  July 9 – The two “o’s” circle each other with boxing gloves. One of the “o’s” bites off the other’s ear. The ear-biting “o” is very sad as it’s banned from boxing. It walks off to sad music and a good idea for an ear fast food chain.

The Class Divide

My wife and I bought a new car. My wife is especially pleased with this purchase because she doesn’t have to sit next to crazy homeless people on the bus anymore. I figure, if she really ever gets nostalgic for the good old days of riding the city bus, she could always pick up homeless people in the car. Don’t worry, I’ll be the nice guy and ride in the back.

Being a veteran of the city bus system myself, I totally understand creepy people on the bus phenomenon. The Albuquerque bus that goes from our house to the University of New Mexico passes through the rich part of town, the ghetto, the trendy rich part of town, the student apocalypse, and finally arriving at UNM within twenty minutes of when I entered the bus. Needless to say you get strange encounters on the bus.

For example, I was proffered rum and coke from a travel coffee mug on the bus once… at 9 am in the morning. A homeless man was very proud to show me his freshly dumpster dived fries and unopened condom (He also pointed to a store in the heart of the ghetto that he claims in sort of a conspiratorial tone “has soda pop for sale.”).  Meanwhile, on the very same bus line I over heard two young ladies discussing whether or not they would get a car that costs the same as my house for sweet sixteen.

Albuquerque is truly a strange mix of classes. While we were in college, my wife and I lived in a house in the ghetto. Our door was kicked in. Our bike that was chained to house was stolen while I was literally two feet away on the other side of a blinds shut window. We witnessed an accident where the driver tossed beer cans into the bushes than stumbled away. It was a neighborhood where Methlabs probably made neighborbood watches to watch for undercovers.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the park (not a very big park mind you) from our ghetto house, there was a mansion that looked like an ancient Greek temple. Another mansion was nestled far from the street in a property that took up a city block. I even swore that I saw one of our US Senators hanging outside one of the rich houses once (My wife and I usually walked the dog on the rich side).

Albuquerque is very strange in the sense that the class divide is less a divide and more  a mix. We do have our share of gated ridiculous communities. I remember meeting a guy, I knew in school and he invited us to his house in one of these communities. Let’s just say that he had an Andy Warhol original on the wall and his parents supposedly bought the house so he’d have a place to stay in college. Being a poor musician, writer, and filmmaker, why didn’t I stay in touch with a person that could probably bankroll a project with his pocket change? Meanwhile, in the same era of my life, I remember going to a party not to far away from the gated enclave where I peed in the bathtub because the sole toilet was monopolized by several puking and passed out people in an apartment that was discounted from welfare.

Albuquerque is truly an economic blend. The next time you go to Costco and buy large amounts of candy and try to resell them because you are part of a “youth organization” that is fundraising for a trip to Newcardonia make sure to have two signs. The poor sign and the rich sign. Either way, you’ll win.

Put the fun in fund!

Really put the “fun” in fundraising by knowing your target audience!

Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre Free Ebook

I’d like to announce the official release of my third collection of humor essays: Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre. As a special treat for those of you that have been following Ideas That Won’t Change The World, I am giving the Ebook version away for free for the next five days (the free offer ends Sunday 20th, 2012). That’s right, completely free. Invite your friends to get their free copy and chat about the book via this Facebook event!

Q: But wait, how much will this free book cost?

A: It’s free.

Q: As long as I watch a timeshare video?

A: Nope, what part of free do you not comprehend?

Q: I have to sign my kidney away to you when I die?

A: No, there is really nothing you have to do. Just download the book.

Q: Can I give you my kidney anyway?

A: I don’t  know what I’d do with it.

Q: You never know, you might meet an evil deity that requires kidneys to appease them!

A: Just download the book.

Q: How?

A: Click on the image below:

Click here for your free copy!