2013 Did Not Change the World

My most popular post was about what would happen if we legalized Gay Marriage.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,000 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

If Gays Could Marry…

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before? 

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.

A Brief History of Gays from Sparta to the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are close to ending a ban on gays. They’ve finally joined the new millennium where gay people exist. Before, back in the old days, gay people didn’t exist. All those Spartan soldiers that used to fuck each other were really just manly men doing manly things.

300 friends with benefits

Imagine them without spears or shields. They could be going to a night club.

A bunch of Spartans are having a male sex orgy. An Athenian enters and approaches a couple.

Athenian: This is not like the movie 300 at all!

Spartan: Bro. This is not gay. It’s just manly men, doing manly things.

Athenian: But the guy you are…

Spartan: It’s not gay if you don’t say I love you afterwards.

Athenian: What do you do during cuddle time?

Spartan: We punch each other. Hang on… I am about to… FOR SPARTA!

In Shakespeare’s time, gay people also did not exist. Take a look at a poem he revised:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay sex party day?
Thou art completely ripped more lovely and more temperate.
Washboard abs Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
Why can't we marry like any other person? 
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
I'd do laundry on those abs everyday.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed because of all da haters;
And every queer they fear fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed pubic hair;
My mom told me not to be gay
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
The church did too
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
So I said bitch please! I'm hear and I'm queer! Loud and Proud!
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
Then they threaten to behead me so I married a woman
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
     So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
     So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Then of course we can’t forget Poland 1939:

Lance and Ted are making out. Judith runs in.

Judith: The Nazi’s just invaded Poland! They are going to put people like you in death camps!

Lance: We’ll just tell them we are Jewish.

Ted: That’s a good idea! They’ll never suspect we are gay.

What does he plan to do with that duster?

Robin Williams reprises his role as a gay man in Birdcage II: Fists of Justice.

It wasn’t until Robin Williams played a gay man in the 1996 hit movie The Birdcage when gay people really started existing. The first gay person started out like this:

A man is walking down the street.

Man: I am so apathetic and 90’s. I really want a vagin… cock! I want cock!

He runs off screaming about cock.

Later… A woman is walking with her kid.

 Woman: I love having a child that will grow up to perpetuate my genes!

Kid: I want women that remind me of you!

The man, dressed in a pink tutu, taps a wand on the kid’s head.

Man: Your child is now gay. Congratulations.

Kid: Now I want men that remind me of dad. My childhood is pretty fucked up.

Gayness spread across America like a wildfire. People everywhere were becoming gay. Soon, it became clear that everyone was simply choosing to be gay, much like we choose products when we shop.

Bob and Fred, two very macho and homophobic men, stand in line at Target. The Clerk rings them up.

Clerk: Bed sheets. Matching room decor. Matching kitchen appliances. Coordinated bathroom furnishings. Do-it-yourself-and-best-friend gay kit…

Bob: I’ve always wanted to try being gay.

Fred: Yeah. Normally, I barf when I kiss other dudes but I figured. What the hell? I’ll try gay for a while.

But that’s when we as Americans realized that our country was founded on choice! We have the freedom to choose our own religion in schools (so long as it’s Christian), the freedom to choose our own path in life (so long as we don’t mind crippling student loan debt), and even the freedom to choose our own science (the damned scientists burying those dinosaur bones in the ground – expecting us to not know that they just put them there). So why don’t we have the right to choose our own sexuality? So that’s what we did. 

He will punch you.

It’s not gay if I don’t say I love you.

The only problem with the “choose to be gay theory” is that we will have to start giving them rights such as marriage. We all know what happens when gays can marry. Wedding dresses become rainbow! Do you want that for your kids? To cover the fact that gay people don’t have the same rights as everybody else (we need to give them incentive to be “not gay”), we’ll give them trivial social progress like being out in the military and the Boy Scouts. That’s the American way! And what could be more American than the Boy Scouts allowing people that made the choice to be gay into their rank? Sylvester Stallone. That’s who. He punches people.

And he’ll punch you if you even suggest it.

Gay Marriage Versus Dinosaur Farts

People seem to have the wrong focus in our country. Some news stories make headlines while the more important ones go overlooked. Who really cares about the president supporting gay marriage when important issues like dinosaur flatulence are being hotly debated by scientists. Sure, North Carolina has decided to waive their ass at civil rights and make second class citizens out of LGBT’s by amending their constitution against gay marriage, but what’s more important? The ass of a dinosaur or the ass of North Carolina?

The answer is obvious, dinosaurs! They can crush cars, eat scientists, and even make cups of water ripple. North Carolina can’t do any of that! So what if a couple has lived in a faithful committed relationship can’t get a tax break because they are the same sex? Dinosaurs could destroy the planet!

Three story fart factories

If you think I am kidding, scientists basically theorize the global temperature was warmer during Dino times because of their farts. That’s pretty scary considering what a dinosaur would do if unleashed on the unwitting populace. You think not being able to have decision power if your same sex partner goes to the hospital is bad? Try an army of farting T-Rexs!

We really should be mailing our senators to warn them about Dino flatulence rather than worrying about what people do to show their love for each other. If farts can cause havoc, imagine what Dino poop would cause! Cities would be decimated if your pet raptor got into the trash and ate all your left over chili cheese dogs! The poopocalypse is way more troublesome than married gay couples trying to turn everyone else gay (because that’s what would happen, trust me on this, I have lots of experience in baseless claims). Compare these two scenarios:

Scenario 1:

The doorbell rings. A clean cut man answers. There is a GayHovah’s Witness couple at the door.

GayHovah’s Witness: Have you ever thought of the power of gay?

GayHovah’s Witness 2: I dance!

Man: No thanks, my wife and I are atheists.

GayHovah’s Witness: The good Gaylord, the owner of Pink Pumpers 80’s Club on 4th, loves everyone! And wants to save you.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance!

Man: No seriously…

GayHovah’s Witness: Can we at least leave literature at the door?

Man (reading): Why everyone is gay and doesn’t know it? Hey! I look good in purple. That doesn’t make me gay.

GayHovah’s Witness: See honey, everyone is gay.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance! Dance! Come Dance!

Man: Oh.. but… fine!

He dances with them. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses come to the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Looks like those gays got to him first. We better start bugging people at bus stops.

Scenario 2:

A man walking his Diplodocus stands next to a couple of stories high pile of shit. A police officer approaches.

Man: Mr. Pique. What did you do?

Police Officer: You going to clean that up or will I have to cite you?

Man: I didn’t bring any bags.

A woman climbs out of the pile. She gasps for breath.

Woman: There is an elementary school in there! You need to save them.

The police officer’s radio crackles.

Radio: We have a 212 in progress.

Police Officer: I’m on it.

Woman: Where are you going? What about the children?

Police Officer: 212 is code for gay marriage in progress.

Woman: Oh no.. You better go…

Police officer dashes away.

Man: I am certainly glad he is stopping those gays.

Woman: I know. We wouldn’t want our children to learn any warped morals likes it’s OK to love.

Man: Say, you want to get married?

Woman: Only if you beat me and get divorced in 3 years after we have two kids!

Man: Deal. So here is some Dino lessons. Never feed them after midnight. They may shit on your house during the night…

They walk away. A kid climbs from the poo gasping for breath.

Kid: Jerks.

We need to get issues like dinosaur farts in the open. Mainly because you don’t want to be in a room with a dinosaur when it farts.