10 Uses for Halloween Makeup

This is what happens when you walk into a spider web.

I’m here about the job for Spider Queen. What do you mean it’s already filled?

Ever notice how those Halloween makeup kits give you enough makeup for the entire cast of Cats the musical? You are only going to use it for one night. So here are some post-Halloween makeup uses:

1. Rob a bank – Who doesn’t need extra holiday cash? And why do we have super villain teams who spend more time on their coordinated makeup than planning the robbery? Either way, you won’t have to tell Timmy he doesn’t get Christmas presents because you spent it all on Halloween candy this year.

2. Smear on face and take revenge – Every person who is out for revenge always seems to smear stuff on their face. Rumpelstiltskin smeared black claw marks. Rambo caked stuff on his face. Braveheart is a blue-faced killing machine. If you are going to go on some epic revenge quest, don’t forget the face paint.

3. Teach class – All you teacher’s out there who are bored, you have options that don’t involve cooking Meth. You can paint your face and take on a wacky personality. If the students reject the ploy, then pull out a gun and start acting really disturbed. That will get their attention and a learning student is one who is paying attention.

4. Wear black face – I know this is completely racist and offensive. But what if you really were black underneath the black face? That will get them thinking! Because obscure performance art always gets people thinking.

5. Wicked Witch of Savings and Loans – Let’s face it. Bankers really can’t have any fun. People take money way too seriously. What if you cackled loudly like a witch every time you denied a loan? That would add some spice to the workplace.

6. Data from Star Trek – Everyone will completely understand why you are socially awkward and lonely when you are dressed like Data. Most androids have trouble fitting into society norms, especially at Taco Bell. When you twitch your head and ask if the Baja Blast will cause problems with your circuitry, the clerk will totally know what you are going through because who hasn’t wanted to be an android traveling on a star ship in the distant future?

7. Tourist Information Guy – Who needs Siri or Google when Tourist Information Guy is on the job? Looking for a place to eat? Tourist Information Guy will save the day. Wondering when the museum will close? Tourist Information Guy has brochures! Smuggling a balloon of heroin in your butt? Tourist Information Guy isn’t really comfortable with this.

8. Hospital Creepy Guy – Walk around as the Grimm Reaper and point to random patients. Throw in a deep guttural “you!” for good measure. Insist you are only doing it to help patients come to terms with their own mortality. When they tell you the patient only had a skinned knee, tell them you never know when something will become infected.

9. Bowling Alley Goth – True Story: I was playing a Goth kid with face paint during a stage play. The cast decided to go bowling. The only bowling alley that was opened late night was the musty, old, wood-paneled, redneck singles club where a gun rack in the pickup would be a requirement for membership. I forgot to wash the makeup off and arrived about 15 minutes before the rest of the cast did.

10. Cultist Prankster РJoin a cult. Then during the ritual sacrifice make farting noises. Insist to fellow cult members you are more of a self sexual abuser. Make punching and crying noises at night. Replace all doctrine documents with copies of The Secret. Tip off the FBI and plan a stand-off at Chuck E. Cheese.

Halloween and the Knights of the Round Table

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† With Halloween around the corner, you should be scared and shit. If you aren’t scared, then here is a tale to chill your boner and your bones too!

Narrator: It was a dark and stormy knight named Josh. He was the long lost cousin of Lancelot. Most people thought he was a cheese dick but there was some mild depression and sarcasm in him as well. So King Arthur came unto Josh and Lancelot and said:

Satan is word scramble for Santa!

Medieval painting titled: Bitch rollin’ up on my Bling

King Arthur: Yo! Yo! Arthur in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches in this hizzy. We need to drink from pimpin’ goblets n’ shit. You drink malt liquor from the holy grail! Ain’t no way you go home alone. Know what I mean?

Lancelot: I don’t know what you mean. I understood probably only 1/3 of what you said. You see I fight for truth, justice, the ability for old ladies to walk their dogs safely at night, children having the same educational opportunities, pancake Sundays-

Josh: Dude, he wants us to find the holy grail.

King Arthur: Yo, this dawg knows the what what.

Lancelot: I shall perform your task with honor, dignity, a head held high looking towards the rising sun to symbolize a new day…

Josh: Fuck… I hate my family.

Narrator: Meanwhile Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Edward from the Twilight series were making plans of their own in Dracula’s living room. He has one of those 3D TVs. I’m personally waiting for holodecks. You probably won’t ever see me leave. Unless they don’t have a self cleaning cycle.

Edward: Yo! Yo! Edward in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches-

The Wolf Man beheads Edward.

Dracula: We are not scary anymore.

The mummy is smoking weed.

Mummy: Bro… I want some Doritos.

Dracula: I’m serious. We used to scare the shit out of little kids. Now they sell cheap knock-offs of us at Spencer’s.

Wolf Man: You’re right. People say I look all fake especially when you compare me to those young werewolf studs. But it hurts man. Do I tell a chick with eyeliner that makes her look like she has an eye infection that she looks fake?

Mummy: If I make a joint with my wrappings, would I get even higher than a normal joint?

Dracula: We need to do something about this.

Wolf Man: We can murder children!

Dracula: That’s good but then we’d have to let Hitler over.

Hitler is knocking on the door to Dracula’s castle.

Hitler: Hello? I brought Apples to Apples! I took out the dead Jew child¬†cards so it’s fair this time.

Back in Dracula’s living room:

Mummy: Dude… bro… let’s pee in the holy grail.

Dracula: Shut up!

Wolf Man: Wait!  I think he has something.

Dracula: This is the stupidest idea-

Wolf Man: It’s brilliant. Christians get butt hurt when you make fun of their religion.

Mummy: Yeah man! They like make their kids afraid of Harry Potter and gay people and shit. They’ll make their kids afraid of us!

Dracula: Isn’t Harry Potter gay?

Wolf Man: He married a woman.

Dracula: So do plenty of people in the closet. You think he was so broken up over Cedric because Cedric was a solid competitor?

Mummy: I always thought he gave up Cho too easily…

Wolf Man: Shut up! He’s not gay. Let’s go pee in the grail.

Hi, I'm Satan. How are you enjoying the sketch so far?

Medieval painting titled: Harry Potter’s Homoerotic Dream

Narrator: So what if I’ve been drinking! Ummm… welcome back to our tale… of shit and stuff… you know I was second to play Obi Won Kenobi? But that asshole Sir Alec Guinness took the part. He didn’t even like playing Kenobi! I would have appreciated it. Instead, I play crap parts… in community theatre…

Dracula: Sorry folks… Our story continues when the knights find the grail….

Josh and Lancelot stumble in, covered in blood and muck. 

Lancelot: Traveling the four corners of the earth is a knight’s task. If you are too much of a squire, then you may…

Josh: Squire?

Lancelot: An unknightly title.

Josh: Why not pussy or bitch?

Lancelot: And heed the words of the patriarchy! I am a feminist.

Josh: You are a dude with a broadsword and armour that is covered in blood most of the time.

Lancelot: But my heart hath a feminine side. I hath feelings.

Josh: Really?

Lancelot: I’ve adopted a puppy.

Josh: To fight along-side you?

Lancelot: Mr. HowlingFluff will never see combat.

Josh: Ok… ok…

The neatly dressed Galahad walks in with the holy grail.

Lancelot: Galahad! Mighty knight of honor and value!

Josh: You found it!

Galahad: Yep.

Josh: Dude, we have being questing for years, how did you find it?

Galahad: Spencer’s.

Josh: Spencer’s. You mean we’ve been traveling¬†the globe¬†fighting bandits, evil warlords, and mythical beasts. And you fucking buy it at Spencer’s?

Galahad: Yeah bro, it’s near the pornographic greeting cards.

Lancelot: The card with the perfect man…hehe… because he’s cardboard…hoho… makes me laugh…haha… every time…haha…hehe…

Wolf Man jumps out, kills Galahad, and takes the grail! Josh and Lancelot pull out their swords.

Wolf Man: I got it!

Josh: Dude, whoa! Who are you?

Wolf Man: I am the Wolf Man.

Josh: Is that a mask? It looks fake.

Wolf Man: Hey, fuck you.

Dracula: Good! We pee in the grail now?

Lancelot: You pee in the cup of god! Have at thee!

Satan wants you to listen to Sublime or is that subliminal messages?

Medieval painting titled: Best Joint Ever

Josh: Whoa! Whoa! Wait… You are here to pee in the cup?

Wolf Man: Yeah… what’s it to you?

Josh: I think I can purpose a mutually beneficial solution…

A long stick pokes the narrator awake.

Narrator: Huh? What? So that’s how Josh became known as the cheese dick Knight. Arthur never could get the taste of urine washed from his mouth so he created a round table. That way he could sit at a different part of the table each time. Lancelot and Josh went to work for Spencer’s so they could get a discount on quest items. The¬†Wolf Man¬†married Dracula after¬†Wolfie got over his homophobia. And the mummy smoked himself.

Ray Harryhausen and Spiral

I am speechless. Ray Harryhausen (the animator behind the 1981 classic film Clash of the Titans) agreed to let us use footage from a Little Red Riding Hood short to accompany a music video! Please enjoy the video and support the foundation to keep his works preserved.

10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe from Sexual Predators

While children are in no greater risk from sexual predators on Halloween than any other day of the year, better safe than sorry. Here are some tips to avoid sexual predators this Halloween.

1. Rig your kid with explosive paint dye. Use that dye they put in fake bills for bank robberies.

2. Adopt Newt Gringrich as your child. Ain’t nobody touching that shit!

3. Dress your child like the abusive family member that sent the sexual predator on his path of crime.

4. Those kids would sure be safe if those fake guns were real!

5. Hire a ninja to watch your child.

6. Since children being hit by a car is the only¬†safety issue¬†that statistically increases on Halloween, drive¬†erratically down the road. The¬†creeps¬†won’t¬†get your child if you hit them with a car.

7. Offer yourself instead.

8. Don’t let your child do anything. Ever. Just ignore the fact that crime rates have been dropping since the nineties and use paranoia to dictate your child’s life.

9. If you see a street full of kids but they all seem to disappear at one house, don’t let¬†your kids¬†stop at that house.

10. Hire a dwarf actor to trick-or-treat with your kids. Nothing turns off the sexual predators more than facial hair.

3 Freakin’ Ghost Stories

Welcome my fellow readers to a clich√© so terrible that you will die of fright, have a¬† brain embolism, projectile vomit poop from your mouth, and perhaps tinkle. Just a little tinkle. Like a wee bit of wee. The kind that leaves a little dot on your pants but you don’t change the pants. The dot will dry. Just sit really close to your keyboard. Your boss will probably just think you are working hard.

Boss: That Jenkins sure does work hard.

Lackey: He only seems to do it after he pees.

Boss: Hmmmm….. I think we have something here.

The next day during the meeting:

The employees are forced to drink water.

Boss: Drink it! Drink it!

Employee: I’ve had eight.

Boss: Drink it or you are fired.

Employee drinks while crying.

Yes, horror stories happen at work all the time ladies and gentleman. Are there really any gentleman anymore? Isn’t the new sexy some guy named Rex with fifteen tattoos and has killed at least three dozen people?

Rex mows down five-hundred henchman with a machine gun, fist fights the boss, and eventually impales a super ninja cyborg with a meat hook. There is a hot babe with revealing torn clothing waiting for him.

Babe: That’s all hot. Let’s fuck.

She tries to run to him across a blood splatter and he halts her. He takes off his coat and places it on the blood.

Rex: Milady, you shall sully your feet if you advance any further. Prechance, might I entice you to a stroll around the garden?

Babe: You want to smoke some weed?

Rex: Dear heavens no! Sound body and mind. Daily calisthenics! But soft! From what light through yonder window breaks-

Babe: Are you¬†on drugs? I don’t want no man on drugs!

Rex: Wait! Perhaps I may sing praises of your beauty!

Babe: I am out of here.

Rex begins to prep his vocal chords.

A good crypt keeper, grave digger, vampire, night watchman, creepy butler, guy in front of a fireplace, BLAM!

We have fired the host. Literally. Because bad puns about death are in every pulp Halloween special! Enjoy the last Freakin’ Ghost Story.

Ghost: Finally! These aren’t really ghost stories. I am appalled and angry. I plan to write an angry letter about this injustice to all ghost kind. Unfortunately, I don’t have any corporeal hands so it’s hard to write the letter. But I have used automatic writing before. Though only to mess with the living. I give them dire predictions, like the day the governor will be shot and then laugh my ass off when nothing happens. One time, I convinced this girl that in order to lay my spirit to rest, she needed to jump in a well. It was freakin’ funny! The living are completely clueless. You just need to crawl funny, turn your head, and maybe vomit some blood for effect and they shit themselves. Try this: Go to a medium and tell their client that the father they are trying to contact is disappointed with them. It’s a riot. Ghosts get so much crap in movies. Like we have nothing to do but kill people. Do you think we’d want to add another undead resident to our house? I like living alone! Imagine if I had to share the place with another ghost! They’d eat the crap that I buy from the fridge. I hate that. After a day of spooking the living, I want to just enjoy a sandwich but all the bread is gone. Don’t get me started on the beer.

We hope these make you pee. Happy Halloween!

12 Awful Halloween Theme Parties

Liven up those cliches so with a whole new tradition!

Halloween is a great way to let loose and dress like you normally wouldn’t in real life. So why take it to such an extreme that your friends never talk to you again? Here are some ways to terrify guests¬†of your party this Halloween.

1. Ku Klux Kegger – Racially motivated hate crimes won’t be the story to tell after this party.

2. Mathenanny – A hootenanny is a party of musicians. Why not a party of solving complex differential equations?

3. Boxing Retirement Home Social РStart a Fight Club with your elderly friends. Remember the rule about having to fight on their first time?

4. Used Gym Sock Hop – The guests have to wear them… no exceptions.

5. Exchange Urine Jars with a Hobo Party –¬†Nothing says party like hobo urine.

6. Dancing with the Stars’… dead bodies… except no joke. See¬†who freaks out first when they realize – it’s not make-up.

7.  Litigation Luau РCreate a bunch of unsafe party conditions and invite civil lawyers.

8. Free Meth Fiesta РAdd more spice to any social occasion with tweaking meth addicts.

9. Binder of Women Binge – Yep…

10. Boy Band Blowout – Invite every thirteen-year-old girl over then tell them the latest boy band sensation of the week died in a plane crash. Invent beverages from their tears.

11. Cary Elwes Carnival – Trust me… the idea is more exciting than the party.

12. Bickering Sibling Ball – Make sure that you have a lot of party games and award unequal prizes.