The Juice

Opera Voice: Anal Leakage!

May cause: bleeding, hernia, anal leakage, death, head explosion, anal leakage, spasms, internal organ combustion, excessive sweat, did we mention anal leakage? Consult your doctor for a free trial…

I am not really a pill person. In fact, I don’t really know anyone who is a pill person:

Waiter: Welcome Pharmanoodles where we have pills and noodles.

Woman: I’ll have the Pad Thai… wait, you have pills! I’ll just take pills.

I guess Meth Addicts would be more of a pill person:

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Which brings me to the point. Why do so many Americans take pills when the cost of a better diet is way cheaper? I’m not really spouting any new information. Hippocrates, a dead dude who invented malpractice, said “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Exercise and diet are the key to healthiness.

The cost of medications alone should be enough sway people to eat healthier. But Americans have to do things in the extreme. Why take one pill when you can take nine? Your meds are making you depressed? Take another pill. But better diets can reduce the pill load. There is really no secret to healthy eating. Eat more vegetables. Americans treat vegetables with disdain and suspicion like someone decided to take shit on their plate. Fast food reinforces this believe by only offering vegetables that could double as toilet paper and often do.

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Me: Could you stop that? I’m trying to write a humor piece. Here, have some juice.

There is this widespread belief that vegetables will not nourish our bodies that we need loads of meat and carbs. But there is a big difference between nourish and satiate. Large portions of carbs and meat satiate, they make you not feel hungry. But they don’t nourish. Nourishing the body involves adding vitamins the body needs to keep it running. So completely lacking vegetables leads to a deficiency in the vitamins the body needs to keep running propperly so we use medication to keep those processes going.

Back in the days before immigrants were hunted...

Notice how the cornucopia is filled with fruit and veggies… not burgers and fries.

So for me, it’s a very simple equation. I could spend a lot of money on medication or spend money on vegetables. So I’ve decided to start juicing. It’s like packing in a metric shit ton of vegetables into a cup. What could be more American than cramming something into thirty-two ounce cup? I can’t just go halfway maybe include more veggies on the plate than meat and carbs. I want to take a giant mound of veggies, more than a human could possibly eat in a day and condense it into a cup. Juicing is probably the most extreme version of vegetable intake. It’s so extreme that it’s sounds like some drug fad.

Meth Addict: Man you got the juice? I need a hit!

Dealer: Sorry, all I have is Meth. It takes too much time to juice and it’s too hard to clean up after juicing.

Meth Addict: Sounds logical to me…

Dealer: People will suck your dick for Meth. Unless they’re vegan. Then they’ll do it for juice.

Meth Addict: Do you really want Meth addicts to suck your dick? I have no teeth and scabs.

Dealer: I don’t think healthy sexual relations really play into the dealer/addict relationship.

Meth Addict: We sound like we should be in graduate school.

Dealer: That’s a good idea. Maybe I can give myself options besides a life of crime through education.

Five years later: The Dealer has graduated with his Chemistry PHD. He is giving the valedictorian speech.

Dealer: Hello class of 2018. The job market still sucks and there is nothing for my education level. I have more student loan debt than I can possibly pay off. But at least I can fall back on selling Meth!

Juicing involves piling more vegetables than a third-world nation family sees in a year on the counter, putting them in a machine, and drinking them in a tiny little cup. If you do it right, they taste pretty good. If your like me, you just sort of cram everything into the juice including the cat hiding under the vegetable pile. And juice the stuff which doesn’t always taste so good. So I’ll be sipping a juice feigning the wonderfulness of my drink and my wife doesn’t really believe it.

I’m drinking some brown goop while cringing.

Me: This is great!

Another sour face.

Wife: Un-huh.

Me: You want some?

Wife: No.

Another butthole pucker face.

Me: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

For some reason, she didn’t trust me. But isn’t that how all relationships are? They just don’t trust you when you meet your completely platonic friend in the a hotel room with a teddy bear, flowers, candy, and a box of condoms. They don’t believe you when you say you are simply filming a webseries about a teddy bear that uses a box of condoms to make balloon animal friends.

Teddy: Jeepers, that’s quite the long neck mister giraffe.

Giraffe: Only when I’m excited.

Laugh track.

Teddy: Are you sure there is candy in the magical flower forest?

Giraffe: There is but it’s guarded by a troll and you have to suck his dick.

Teddy: Wowza!

25 Reasons to Fire Your Therapist

Doesn't this violate patient confidentiality?

“I hold the pad like this to hide my boner.”

1. “Sounds like you have a sleep disorder. Better take this pill, chain yourself to the bed at night, and don’t forget to leave your home address with the receptionist.”

2. He follows up all his advice by yelling the word, “NOT!” For example, “It’s perfectly normal to be anxious, NOT!” or “You are feeling this way because of your parents divorce, NOT!”

3. His solution to every problem is joining the Marines. One day, you see him putting on his suit jacket and vest and there is a Marine uniform under it.

4. “The problem with your marriage is your wife doesn’t fuck you like she fucks me. Did I say that out loud?”

5. Offers to prescribe certain drugs if you split your stash with him.

6. “Thoughts of suicide? May I interest you in a Jihad I’ve been working on?”

7. He stares you down and quotes from Cool Hand Luke.

Metal Therapy!

Who needs therapy when you have rock!

8. You are struggling to grasp how all the Lemmy from Motorhead analogies fit into your life.

9. He is always swapping addictions, “Alcohol problem? Try gambling!”

10. “In times like these, you have to ask yourself What Would James Franco do? Would James Franco give up? WOULD HE? Nether should you!”

 11. Excessive farting… yep.

12. .”It’s ok to do everything god tells you. After all, god knows all. What are you doing with that gas can?”

13. Every conversation ends with him in tears talking about his issues.

14. Uses 2,000 year-old morality codes to give you advice about internet dating.

15. “Are you dead yet? I really need to beat Bill this month.”

16. The Ghostbusters quotes were amusing in the beginning but lost their luster when your emotional milestone was reduced to “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!”

17. Always laughs then says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Continue. I was thinking of last night’s Family Guy.”

18. “Can I take a picture for my spank bank? I have this thing about crying women…”

19. “No shit! Imagine that! I’m a shape-shifting serial killer too!”

20. You are checking in to the obsessive behavior clinic. The entire office is decked out in Star Trek gear. You come into his office and he is dressed as Deanna Troi.

21. Clown Therapy…

22. He somehow always uses Snoop Dogg lyrics during the session, “Your problem is that your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind. I’d suggest driving down the street, sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.”

23. He periodically looks up from his tablet exclaiming about a farm and/or dragon.

24. Suggests a LARPing group for an escape. You go to find out he’s the only member. Offers to do the sex scenes by phone.

25. Your therapist is really Obama in disguise “just checking on the citizens.”

10 Ways to Cheat on Your New Years Resolutions

New Years Unresolve

“I told my husband that I am doing pilates three times a week. I’m really training to be an assassin.”

We always talk about keeping our New Years resolutions. Why not find ways to break them?

1. Quit Smoking – A friend of mine’s father “quit smoking” by smoking on the side of the house. The side yard was a like a cigarette butt apocalypse. My friend explained, “My mom never goes in the side yard. My dad would probably clean it up if it meant he really had to quit smoking.” So find your side yard for 2013.

2. Weight Loss –  Diets. Gym memberships. Organic food. Being healthy is expensive. Save some money. Just buy clothes that looks exactly the same as the clothes you normally wear except in larger sizes. People will start asking you, “Have you lost weight?”

3. Travel More – Photoshop will help with this one. Order a couple of souvenirs over the internet. Maybe even setup a fake account on Facebook using pictures of Russian mail order brides/husbands. Claim you met the person in your travels.

4. Drink Less – Switch from beer, wine, and mixed drinks to shots. Technically speaking, a shot of hard alcohol is way less in volume.  Hard alcohol also has the advantage of fitting in work sized flasks.

5. Experience More Culture – Going to plays and classical music is just not as fun as say boxing. That’s why you should bring a violin to a WWE event. You get the acting of the theatre, the excitement of boxing, and hopefully when you break the violin over your head to show your appreciation for music, you’ll appear on the jumbotron.

6. Stop Having so Much Sex with all These Super Models – Let’s not and say we did.

7. Be More Active in the Community – We all want to help with our community. But painting, picking up trash, teaching children life besides the streets is just so time consuming.  You can call in fake emergencies like  fires or vomiting blood in the bathroom to your neighbor’s houses. (Yes. Both happened to me. See this post). If the neighbors complain, tell them you are getting the police and fire department to come by the neighborhood more often.

8. Spend More Time with Your Family – Working 12 hour days instead of coming home to the snot nosed brats gives you reprieve. Working 8 hours means you might have to talk to the little jerks instead of coming home past their bedtime smelling like resolution number 4. But you made a promise and nothing is more important than a parent’s love except maybe a basketball players. Which gives you an idea… You are a workaholic! You make more money than you can possibly spend! You can afford to hire a professional basketball player to babysit the little shits. Buying your children’s affection will free some time for resolution number 9.

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Three hours later…

Why I am in bed with Johnny Depp dressed as Hunter S. Thompson?

9. Stop Gambling – I remember walking up to one of the four casinos located in the greater Albuquerque area. This guy stopped me and my friends and tried to sell us the watch off his hand. Why be a sad, hard luck gambling case when you can be a winner? The key is moving from gambler to bookie. There is an entire untapped market of elementary school sports betting. You may have to accept lollipops instead of cash.

10. Attend Church Every Sunday – The key with this New Year’s Resolution is never defining which one. You can go to the Church of golf, Strip Clubs, the Elementary Fight Club (the bookie was looking to expand), or just about any church you desire.

Jim Bob’s Methods for a Better Healthier You

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and I got some more health tips for you. Fit and healthy lifestyles can be achieved by anyone. I’m sure health experts have a shit ton of advice. I have more shit tons of advice. And who do you trust? A scientist that has been studying their whole life? Locked up in some basement? That don’t sound healthy to me.

You can trust me, Jim Bob, cause I can sound authoritative and shit on the Internet. Those scientists like working and they make you do all this work too. They tell you to do all this exercise crap and we all know that you can get really trim playing World of Warcraft 24 hours a day. Have you ever seen a World of Warcraft barbarian that wasn’t totally buff? So that’s why you are going to buy my program called Jim Bob’s Method for a Better Healthier You. It costs $3,000 but that’s way better than dieing. And you sure as fuck will die. Life is 100% fatal. Any scientists will tell you that. So buy my program. Here are some tips you’ll get:

1. Stop taking Meth. Trust me. You are way healthier without Meth. A lot of people ask me, “Jim Bob, won’t Meth help me lose weight?” And I’ll be, “In the short term yeah, but you lose all your teeth. And you need those to block stools in bar fights. Trust me, I’m an expert.” There are way better ways for short term weight loss. They put this chemical in mouthwash that makes you vomit (My AA buddies and I figured that one out on our own). So just chug mouthwash after you eat an entire chocolate cake. You get all the cake taste, none of the calories, and minty fresh breath.

2. Drink lots and lots of beer. Alcohol is what they use to kill bacteria. Bacteria is what makes you sick. Drinking beer is like blasting the bacteria with a death ray. You’ll feel great after you drink it. But don’t let your boss find out. That’s why I had to go to AA in the first place. Before I was making millions giving health advice, I operated this giant saw in a factory. We all know that operating a giant saw with a cold is unsafe so I needed to kill it with beer. If my boss still wanted his arm, he should have asked before taking away my beer. It’s his dumb ass that got in front of that saw. Besides, I needed something to wash down the whiskey.

3. Throw shit at your family. When Bobby Joe is running through the house, I usually throw a bottle at him. Or when Jannie is crying up a storm during the game because she needs to be changed, I throw a pizza at her. You work your throwin’ muscles and you don’t need to leave the couch. It also doubles as quality time with your kids, sometimes Bobby Joe catches the beer bottle so it’s like I’m playing catch. But mostly, the bottles just clunk upside his head.

4. Pay attention to the food you eat. For example, if you see a piece of shit in your fast food burger. Take a picture. Then take another picture of you with Hemorrhagic E Coli (If the burger with shit don’t give it to you, then swim in cow manure until you get it or eat broccoli. That stuff is loaded with vitamin C which stands for Coli). With the pictures, you are sure to win all sorts of money from a lawsuit. With all that money, you’ll be the healthiest person on the planet. Money buys anything. Trust me, I was in Thailand… ANYTHING!

Be sure to give that money to me and I’ll share the rest of the health tips with you. For example, smoking helps get rid of unwanted body tissue. A machine can do what lungs and vocal chords can do so why carry all that extra weight? You’ll also learn why steak is better than chicken, and why fried chicken is better than steak. I’ll also throw in my phone number if you are hot. So buy my program and you’ll be like me. Except I’m rich.

Occupy Urgent Care

I am sick today but the humor must go on. I write this post wrapped in a blanket and sipping on tea. Some days, when I’m not sick, I imagine how fun it would be to stay home from work wrapped in a blanket and sipping on tea. However, now that I am sick, I rather not be ill even if that means going to work. My head is spinning, my voice is gone, and I can barely concentrate. I am pretty much out it so if there are a lot of speling and grammatically errors, I apologize.

I find it funny that I sometimes fantasize about being sick so I can stay home. In America, we need to be sick to take the day off work. In fact, I started my job in June 2010 and this is the first day I’ve ever called into work. Most Americans are groomed to dedicate ridiculous amounts of time to their jobs. My wife recently listened to a Rick Steves podcast that was taking about how Europe has one month of vacation time a year. Whereas most Americans don’t vacation and if they do, there is a certain amount of guilt.

Take my dad for instance. We went to my birth city of Chicago two weekends ago for a funeral. He had to adjust his whole schedule and work on the prior weekend to make sure he could go. I think there is a problem with that. When did work start overriding family concerns?

There is really only one way to fix a problem like this. Lick the subway tiles. Who needs to occupy wall street when there are plenty of un-licked subway tiles? If we all get ourselves sick and call into work, that will really send a message to those corporate labor profiteers. The message will go something like this:

Employee: Dear boss, I can’t come into work today because I was stupid enough to lick a subway tile and was inflicted with Ebola. In fact, I don’t think I will be back ever. So please give my favorite pen to Martha and tell Bob to take a dumb on your desk for me. PS: The color for our plastic Tupperware line should be not be called Seaweed Chunk because people do not want to put their leftovers in Seaweed Chunk. It should be called Think Green to make it sound environmentally friendly.  Even though the petroleum we use to make the product is about as environmentally friendly as starting a grease fire with seal fat in a rain forest, people will just blindly assume our company is Green because we called it Think Green. Oh god, a blood vessel burst…

So let’s take back our sick time and vacation days. The next time you see a guy licking the subway tiles, pat him on the back. Tell him you appreciate what he is doing for America. Then sterilize your hand. After all, you can’t really afford to get sick. That big project is coming up.  They can’t really complete it without you. Besides, you’ll take some time off for the upcoming holidays. Oh, but then there is the new Holiday product line. Maybe that hard earned vacation will have to be put off.