I am thankful for many things in 2012. With plenty of food, a roof over my head, decent healthcare, and a loving wife, there are plenty of thanks to be giving. However, I have to ask myself. Am I truly celebrating Thanksgiving like pilgrims did? I am not.
In order to truly celebrate Thanksgiving like the pilgrims, I’ll have to find a native population to rape and pillage then kick them off their land and take it for myself. After decimating the population with disease, superior weaponry, and sheer numbers, I’ll offer them a turkey dinner. The ones that are alive will be sure thankful that they are alive.
About burning your tribe’s village: Whoops! Let’s eat some turkey and forget it happened.
Since the world has already been conquered a while ago, I am going to need to find a native population to hatch my colonial celebration. There really aren’t much left who aren’t already under the jurisdiction of a civilized country. So I’ll probably have to terrorize suburban populations. Being located in New Mexico, I’ll have to change my tactics a little to account for historical accuracy.
Use the bathroom before the armour! Always when I’m conquering.
I’ll dress up like an old school conquistador, gather an army, march into Trader Joe’s and claim it in the name of Spain. I’ll get to use a little cute conquering flag. Then we can round up all the suburban shoppers and put them to work digging a moat around the store. Meanwhile, I will count my spoils of war, like the kale. To really get in the spirit of colonial holidays, I’ll need to take the land from a soccer mom played by Queen Latifah.
Me: I claim your house in the name of Spain! Give me the deed! Then afterwards, we’ll eat turkey.
Soccer Mom: Are you going to make my house payment?
Me: Um… no.
Soccer Mom: I didn’t think so. Now get your ass back there and make me a turkey diner.
Me: Yes Ma’am.
FBI One: We are playing Metallica but they seem to party harder.
FBI Two: Play Menudo
FBI One: That did it. They are setting fire to the compound.
After a bit of terrorizing the suburbanites with my cooking skills (by having a cold and not washing my hands – Mwhahaha!), the FBI will show up. They’ll use tactics like they did in Waco and play loud music.
FBI: We’ll play Rebecca Black for as long as it takes.
Me: You’re ruining it! Rebecca Black didn’t exist in colonial times.
After a while, the FBI will realize they don’t need weapons, music or anything to diffuse situations because they have Queen Latifah. Imagine if they had her during Waco:
Queen Latifah: Koresh, you get your ass out here right now before I really get angry!
Koresh comes out with his hands up.
Koresh: Yes Ma’am.
Never under estimate the power of a sassy black woman.
Or in Afghanistan: Bush and Queen Latifah stand in front of a cave.
Bush: Now, I don’t want my victory speech to be a little premature-
Queen Latifah: Move over whitey, Osama! Get your ass out here, right now.
Osama Bin Laden: I don’t wanna!
Queen Latifah: Don’t make me repeat myself.
Osama Bin Laden: No!
Queen Latifah: You’re going to regret it if I have to come in there.
Osama Bin Laden: It says no girls aloud! Boy’s only.
Queen Latifah. That’s it. I am coming in after you.
Osama Bin Laden comes out with his hands up.
Osama Be Laden: Ok. Ok. I’m coming.
Luckily, before the FBI learns of Queen Latifah, I’ll sneak out the back during the night with all the gold wrapped chocolate bars. While I am running across the river to escape the feds, the weight of my own greed will cause me to sink just like the Spanish when they looted the Aztecs. However, the Rio Grande is more like the Rio Puddle and I’ll have time to muse on the true meaning of Thanksgiving whilst laying on a sandbar before the FBI arrests me:
A lot of crap happened in the past, but we seem to have it pretty good now by comparison. We should honor the hardships of our ancestors so we can be thankful for what we have today. There is an FBI agent standing on my testicles.