Why LA Will Never Be Destroyed

Soon, my wife and I will be visiting the city that is destroyed in almost every disaster movie — LA. However, I really don’t think LA will ever be destroyed like in the movies.  Here are some typical city destruction scenarios and what LA will do about it:

Tsunami – Lady Gaga’s hair will quickly be mobilized to create a seawall rendering the oncoming wave completely enamored with her quirky sensibility. Though the wave will later be caught up in a stalking drama. Only after Lady Gaga and the wave have a stern conversation about what makes the wave unique will the wave leave her be and cruise on over to the third world. That’s how America keeps the export our problems to the third world business strong.

Earthquake – Although most believe a 10.0 is eventually how LA will fall into the ocean, the city has a secret weapon. Action stars, Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel, and Steven Seagal have coordinated a dance routine which involves jumping the opposite direction of the earthquake thus quelling the churning Earth.

Volcano – While Tommy Lee Jones has already figured this one out years ago, he is getting up there in years. City officials will probably just toss the entire cast of Twilight into the boiling caldera to appease the fire gods. If that doesn’t work, there are a couple of boy bands that might do the trick. Trust me, there are many options for volcanic sacrifices. Expect humor writers… lava deities don’t like them… too salty.

Tommy Lee Appeasing Fire Gods

Ummm… Tommy? Why are we heading toward the caldera?

Tornado – Despite being far from tornado country, Bill Paxton will know what to do. Why? Bill Paxton always knows what to do. That’s just what he does. Takes care of business. Do people thank him? Nope, but he keeps going anyway. He is after all, Bill Paxton.

Hurricane/Typhoon – All the money flowing in from the Dodgers would normally stifle the energy of the storm rendering it a gentle breeze. After the 2011 bankruptcy of the team, the state had to contract the hurricane protection to illegal immigrants. No, they aren’t throwing illegal immigrants at the hurricane, sicko. They are replacing the Dodgers with illegal immigrants as a cost saving measure.

Alien Invasion – In-N-Out Burger.

Where are all the soldiers?

I watched a movie called The Battle of Los Angeles. The plot is a complex, intricate, masterminded web of… um… Ok… it’s a stunning metaphor for the plight of… um… a masterpiece of artistic…. um… Aliens attack LA. That’s pretty much it. Add a few CG aliens, some soldiers and that’s about enough for plot.

The characters of the movie… discover hidden truths about themselves… what it means to be human… learn the true value of… They pretty much fight the aliens. So during this epic conflict… battle to the death… slightly intense…  sort of placid fight to the annoyed, they struggle to save the human race… the Planet Hollywood in LA… about two dead extras. For a movie that promises a Battle in the entirety of Los Angeles, there seems to be only about three people living in LA. Not to worry, only a couple of soldiers are stationed in LA too.

When the alien mother-ship blasts the city in an Independence Day fashion, no one is on the streets. During the bombardment of a military base, one soldier yells, “Incoming! Move it!” However, there is only one other person next to him looking at the exact same armada (and by armada, I mean only a couple of ships). I only wish the other guy said, “Duh! I see it! Who are you yelling at dude?”

Luckily enough, since there is only three soldiers and one pilot defending the western seaboard, a chick with a kitana joins them. Aliens with the technology to traverse the void of space attacking cities for kicks would probably have good defensive technology. However, swords and guns that remind me of those wild west cap guns found in cheap Albuquerque tourist traps, can penetrate their hulls. It’s good that the aliens have shields equivalent of cardboard. How much can three soldiers and a sword chick really do during an invasion?

The movie isn’t all action alien fighting sequences. There is fact a scene where Tyler is told that he can’t fly in the jet fighters. I really started to identify with the characters at this point. I’ve always wanted to fly in the jet fighters but they arrest me everytime I sneak on the Airforce base. Don’t worry Tyler! I feel your pain. I know your hopes, fears, and desires. You’ll get your chance, Tyler old buddy. Sure enough, Tyler is the only one that can fly the alien spaceship at the end.

The movie wouldn’t be complete without snappy dialogue like “I have got to get me one of those” (why disguise the knock-off Independence Day qualities of the movie?) “He likes Reeces Pieces,” and my personal favorite “Tyler, you have to relax and feel the ship.” The latter is during an action packed rather sexual ending.

After samurai chopping the main creature (a tentacle monster with a Sarlacc pit mouth, not sexual at all!), the mother-ship is about to crash into the still frames of LA. Tyler attempts to steer the ship from the downtown area while the sword chick soothes him, “You have to relax and feel the ship, Tyler.” However, the shot is so close on Tyler and the Sword Chick, it looks like Tyler is feeling… well… insert your own dirty imagery here. Tyler ends up saving the day by steering the ship directly into Watts. And who says race relations are getting better in LA? The moral of story: when you can’t afford Independence Day, there is always The Battle of Los Angeles.