Gay Marriage Versus Dinosaur Farts

People seem to have the wrong focus in our country. Some news stories make headlines while the more important ones go overlooked. Who really cares about the president supporting gay marriage when important issues like dinosaur flatulence are being hotly debated by scientists. Sure, North Carolina has decided to waive their ass at civil rights and make second class citizens out of LGBT’s by amending their constitution against gay marriage, but what’s more important? The ass of a dinosaur or the ass of North Carolina?

The answer is obvious, dinosaurs! They can crush cars, eat scientists, and even make cups of water ripple. North Carolina can’t do any of that! So what if a couple has lived in a faithful committed relationship can’t get a tax break because they are the same sex? Dinosaurs could destroy the planet!

Three story fart factories

If you think I am kidding, scientists basically theorize the global temperature was warmer during Dino times because of their farts. That’s pretty scary considering what a dinosaur would do if unleashed on the unwitting populace. You think not being able to have decision power if your same sex partner goes to the hospital is bad? Try an army of farting T-Rexs!

We really should be mailing our senators to warn them about Dino flatulence rather than worrying about what people do to show their love for each other. If farts can cause havoc, imagine what Dino poop would cause! Cities would be decimated if your pet raptor got into the trash and ate all your left over chili cheese dogs! The poopocalypse is way more troublesome than married gay couples trying to turn everyone else gay (because that’s what would happen, trust me on this, I have lots of experience in baseless claims). Compare these two scenarios:

Scenario 1:

The doorbell rings. A clean cut man answers. There is a GayHovah’s Witness couple at the door.

GayHovah’s Witness: Have you ever thought of the power of gay?

GayHovah’s Witness 2: I dance!

Man: No thanks, my wife and I are atheists.

GayHovah’s Witness: The good Gaylord, the owner of Pink Pumpers 80’s Club on 4th, loves everyone! And wants to save you.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance!

Man: No seriously…

GayHovah’s Witness: Can we at least leave literature at the door?

Man (reading): Why everyone is gay and doesn’t know it? Hey! I look good in purple. That doesn’t make me gay.

GayHovah’s Witness: See honey, everyone is gay.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance! Dance! Come Dance!

Man: Oh.. but… fine!

He dances with them. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses come to the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Looks like those gays got to him first. We better start bugging people at bus stops.

Scenario 2:

A man walking his Diplodocus stands next to a couple of stories high pile of shit. A police officer approaches.

Man: Mr. Pique. What did you do?

Police Officer: You going to clean that up or will I have to cite you?

Man: I didn’t bring any bags.

A woman climbs out of the pile. She gasps for breath.

Woman: There is an elementary school in there! You need to save them.

The police officer’s radio crackles.

Radio: We have a 212 in progress.

Police Officer: I’m on it.

Woman: Where are you going? What about the children?

Police Officer: 212 is code for gay marriage in progress.

Woman: Oh no.. You better go…

Police officer dashes away.

Man: I am certainly glad he is stopping those gays.

Woman: I know. We wouldn’t want our children to learn any warped morals likes it’s OK to love.

Man: Say, you want to get married?

Woman: Only if you beat me and get divorced in 3 years after we have two kids!

Man: Deal. So here is some Dino lessons. Never feed them after midnight. They may shit on your house during the night…

They walk away. A kid climbs from the poo gasping for breath.

Kid: Jerks.

We need to get issues like dinosaur farts in the open. Mainly because you don’t want to be in a room with a dinosaur when it farts.


While reading the news this morning, I read an article titled What if there were another advanced species? The child within me really likes this idea. Being a Dungeons and Dragons fan ever since I was a wee lad, I remember really wanting to go on adventures. In fact, I had even fashioned a quarterstaff and used a fanny pack as my spell pouch. My wife thinks my childhood wizard fantasies are hilarious. Which of course, they are.

If I got my wish as a kid and was sucked into a Dungeons and Dragons portal, I’d probably would have been eaten by a Gelatinous Cube, which is by far the silliest monster. It’s a cube of slime or something. The only way to be really slain by one is walk right into it. Being that my whole life was spent walking into things I shouldn’t — cacti, poison oak, the ladies’ room, etc. — my adventuring would have been cut short by a crafty cube of oozing death. If I had survived the encounter, I would be able to meet all sorts of fantastical beings, most of which would want to eat me for breakfast.

What if Earth really did have many intelligent races living on the planet? The article states that a whole bunch of war is the result. But humanity seems to be getting past war. Sure, there have been plenty of wars in the modern era but compare today with the medieval era when wars would break out for mistimed bodily functions.

King: Greetings, our kingdom celebrates this new peace treaty with…

A short toot of the buttocks.


Or the Roman era:

General: Hail, Caesar!

Long fart noise…

General: Umm… hang on… I’m almost done.

Fart noise continues…

Caesar: Do we really need this guy in court?

Adviser: He’s your cousin…

Fart patters to a halt.

General: Ahhh… that’s better. I’ve been holding that in since France.

Caesar: Fantastic! Great to see you! You did such a good job. I’m going to send you out again. Conquer… um… that big island…

Adviser: England.

Caesar: England. Go conquer England. Great! Goodbye! Have a safe trip!

Farts start up again.

General: Sorry, I get gassy when I’m excited.

Either-way suffice to say, we are emerging from a fairly violent past and our current times are way more tolerant than they used to be. What if there were other intelligent Earthlings on the planet like a Dungeons and Dragons fantasy world? Would Orcs form civil liberties unions and sue Tolkien for racism and slander? Would dragons complain about their portrayal in Western culture?

Humans have trouble accepting other people’s sexuality much less sex with other beings. Judging others consenting private practices never made sense to me. Why would you care who someone else has sex with? It’s not like you have fuck who they fuck.

Bob: Why are you dry humping me?

Fred: Bro, I’m not gay. I’m just doing this to show you that I accept your sexuality.

Bob slaps Fred.

Bob: Twit.

Now what would fantasy races do to the concept of sexuality? Lesbian-Gay-Bi-Trans-Questioning-Ally-Orc-Elf-Gnome-Halfling-Tiefling-Dwarf-Goblin-Dragonborn-Hobgoblin-Bugbear-Lizard People-Kobold-Undead-Underdark-Elemental-

… 25 pages of this post have been cut for your convenience…

Mind Flayer-Beholder-Gelatinous Cube Alliance wishes to support the members of the Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… 25 more pages …

Mind Flayer Beholder Gelatinous Cube community. No matter if you are Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… This why we don’t have meetings anymore …

Mind Flayer Beholder or even a Gelatinous Cube we accept your sexuality. We welcome all Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

This is the part of the post where a Monty Python style 16 ton weight drops down to end the-