10 Uses for Halloween Makeup

This is what happens when you walk into a spider web.

I’m here about the job for Spider Queen. What do you mean it’s already filled?

Ever notice how those Halloween makeup kits give you enough makeup for the entire cast of Cats the musical? You are only going to use it for one night. So here are some post-Halloween makeup uses:

1. Rob a bank – Who doesn’t need extra holiday cash? And why do we have super villain teams who spend more time on their coordinated makeup than planning the robbery? Either way, you won’t have to tell Timmy he doesn’t get Christmas presents because you spent it all on Halloween candy this year.

2. Smear on face and take revenge – Every person who is out for revenge always seems to smear stuff on their face. Rumpelstiltskin smeared black claw marks. Rambo caked stuff on his face. Braveheart is a blue-faced killing machine. If you are going to go on some epic revenge quest, don’t forget the face paint.

3. Teach class – All you teacher’s out there who are bored, you have options that don’t involve cooking Meth. You can paint your face and take on a wacky personality. If the students reject the ploy, then pull out a gun and start acting really disturbed. That will get their attention and a learning student is one who is paying attention.

4. Wear black face – I know this is completely racist and offensive. But what if you really were black underneath the black face? That will get them thinking! Because obscure performance art always gets people thinking.

5. Wicked Witch of Savings and Loans – Let’s face it. Bankers really can’t have any fun. People take money way too seriously. What if you cackled loudly like a witch every time you denied a loan? That would add some spice to the workplace.

6. Data from Star Trek – Everyone will completely understand why you are socially awkward and lonely when you are dressed like Data. Most androids have trouble fitting into society norms, especially at Taco Bell. When you twitch your head and ask if the Baja Blast will cause problems with your circuitry, the clerk will totally know what you are going through because who hasn’t wanted to be an android traveling on a star ship in the distant future?

7. Tourist Information Guy – Who needs Siri or Google when Tourist Information Guy is on the job? Looking for a place to eat? Tourist Information Guy will save the day. Wondering when the museum will close? Tourist Information Guy has brochures! Smuggling a balloon of heroin in your butt? Tourist Information Guy isn’t really comfortable with this.

8. Hospital Creepy Guy – Walk around as the Grimm Reaper and point to random patients. Throw in a deep guttural “you!” for good measure. Insist you are only doing it to help patients come to terms with their own mortality. When they tell you the patient only had a skinned knee, tell them you never know when something will become infected.

9. Bowling Alley Goth – True Story: I was playing a Goth kid with face paint during a stage play. The cast decided to go bowling. The only bowling alley that was opened late night was the musty, old, wood-paneled, redneck singles club where a gun rack in the pickup would be a requirement for membership. I forgot to wash the makeup off and arrived about 15 minutes before the rest of the cast did.

10. Cultist Prankster – Join a cult. Then during the ritual sacrifice make farting noises. Insist to fellow cult members you are more of a self sexual abuser. Make punching and crying noises at night. Replace all doctrine documents with copies of The Secret. Tip off the FBI and plan a stand-off at Chuck E. Cheese.

15 Ways to Keep The Bachelorette Real

Yep....

They are all my one true love. I’m a sultan.

I like watching The Bachelorette for the same reasons that people probably watch COPS. People on a collision course with disaster created from their own poor life choices are entertainment. At least with COPS, there is a sense of honesty. The bad boys never really involve themselves in the illusion of reality like on The Bachelorette. Shows like The Bachelor and Ette use the premise of finding one true love as the driving factor of the show. Dating twenty five guys at the same time while going on dates most people can’t afford is the natural way to find true love. If we really wanted to make the show more realistic, I can think of plenty of ways.

1. Denny’s Dates – Let’s face it. Most of America can’t afford rooftop dining in Paris. Usually, ordering off the dollar menu is an extravagance.  So why not treat a lady real nice and get her a skillet?

2. Boring People – While Ette does usually gets this one down, it usually filters out the painfully boring. Where’s the tax consultant guy who thinks exciting news is a change in the tax code?

3. Gay People – I remember this girl from college who had almost every boyfriend come out of the closet after dating her. She didn’t know which was worse: being bad a girlfriend or a bad therapist. Where’s her man?

4. Travel to the Lake – They always travel to these really expensive out of reach for most of us places. What about completely in reach travel? Like the lake, with a folding chairs, and a six pack tied to string. You know… the lake!

5. Racist People – Where are all the people you thought were pretty cool then they opened their mouth?

6. Creepy Internet Guy – They really need a guy that sounds amazing on paper and then you meet him and you feel unclean for months. I think it’s more accurate to today’s dating world.

7. Backyard Pool – They always make it to a private island on some picturesque beach. A pool for toddlers is about as close as most people get. Of course a public pool that was a recently urinated by some kid will also suffice.

8. Clingy Guy – True story: A friend of mine had a guy drive her up to the mountains and threaten to throw himself from the cliff if she didn’t profess her love. Where’s that guy?

9. Psychotic Ex – They are always way amicable on the show. Where’s the ex that you later find has a shrine to you with a thousand photographs of you taken without your knowledge?

10. Boring Movie – If they really wanted to simulate reality, they should sit you down in a movie where you have to feign interest while your partner is going through an life changing transformation.

11. Awkward Blind Date – Another true story: I was on a blind date that was going so poorly, I had to call for a bale out in the bathroom. I swear we had like twenty-five trail off conversations.

12. Uncontrolled Drug Use – Heroin addicts share the needles of love.

13. Rollin Dice with the Homies – Most people can’t afford spontaneous trips to Vegas in private jets. So be it craps or slaying goblins, the producers should add more realistic dice activities.

14. Awkward Family Dates – Why wait for the final four? They should bring the families in on the third week.

15. Back Seat of Mom’s Car – Nothing beats the classics. So long as you get her home by 10 and don’t look her dad in the eye. Never look him in the eye.

15 Terrible Ideas For Theme Parties

Some bros

Women are more likely to go to parties with a theme. Liven that "sausage fest" with a creative motif!

1. Get all your white friends to celebrate Black History Month by dressing like their favorite historical figure. Make sure to invite only one black guy.

2. STD themed singles event.

3. A Jane Austin style dance party at a college fraternity. Bystanders will at least be amused.

4. Dance, Dance, Danza! With Tony Danza.

5. A washed up actor themed party with the real actors playing themselves. Invite one successful actor to see what happens.

6. School of the deaf. Rock Band party. Awesome.

7. A cat themed party! With hundreds and hundreds of real cats. Crazy cat ladies need to party too.

8. Stephen Hawking’s Dance Dance Revolution Extravaganza!

9. A Hell House… any Hell House.

10. A WOW raid with Leroy Jenkins and a Yorkie dressed as a giant spider.

11. Internet meme costume party in an elderly assisted living community.

12. Guns and Alcohol: a theme for any occasion.

13. Chuck Norris beating a dead horse and the crap out of the internet meme party.

14. What ever happened to Roman style vomitoriums? Those people knew how to party.

15. The bring a creepy older date to Prom theme!