The Under Analyst

I have an addiction. It’s not easy for me to admit but I want to do so in front of my family and friends. I’m watching The Bachelor. Seek help. Check into a clinic. I know. But you see, I can quit anytime. Like I have been for the last couple of seasons. *Sob* I’m only a social The Bachelor watcher…

But seriously, there is something strangely addictive about that show. Sure, there are some shallow vapid people that make you question the value of humanity… but somehow I can’t stop watching. It’s like a plane had crashed outside my house and I can do nothing but keep looking out the window to see what happens next.

For those cultured enough to be unfamiliar with the premise, the show has 25 women trying to marry one guy. Then an other show follows the first where 25 men try to marry one woman called The Bachelorette. The latter is the funniest one because guys have a tendency to be way more ridiculous in competition for the affection of a lady. It’s just as much of a plane crash as the first one but it’s a funny plane crash.

And the very premise is what brings forth the humor. Comedy breeds in people that take themselves way too seriously. People are ludicrous, especially when they display their peacock feathers for dating purposes. For example, there is a woman named Jenna, who writes for a blog called The Over Analyst. While she claims to over analyze everything, she really doesn’t analyze anything in her blog (really, three line posts that say nothing remotely close to analysis) and can’t even articulate a coherent thought while on the show (the show does involve rampant drinking which may add to inability). Then there was a guy with a mask. Yep, he wore a mask for many episodes and it wasn’t even a Guy Fawkes (which would have been cool in a nerdy way). I could go on but the list of strange things people do to attract mates is abundant and layers an element of comedy to the show.

I think the reason why I watch the show is really because I can see my dating life unfold. Or at least my lack thereof. Each episode unpacks the reasons for why I had a terrible and limited dating experience. I never really dated at all. I certainly wanted too but I was pretty terrible at understanding women. For example, when a women in her twenties wants you to put the moves on her, she will get you alone. I didn’t know this so in my undergraduate years there this woman that I really liked. And here are my three mistakes, all in the course of one party I threw while my parents were out of town (sorry mom, that is of course why the step was broken):

1. She got me alone in my room. Noticed my guitar and asked me to teach her to play the guitar. So I taught her how to play E minor. Seriously that’s it. I didn’t even do the wrap my hands around her move. I pointed to the strings.

2. Then she lured me alone in the basement and saw that I had Legos. So we played with Legos. I made a race car.

3. Finally, she “happened” to be in the garage with me. I stood awkwardly.

For men with more knowledge than myself, she was screaming to make out with me. For me, I was wondering, does she like me? Maybe I should ask her to coffee? The garage is pretty cold. She said she was cold. Maybe I should take her inside where it’s warm.

So that was my dating life… many many sad tales like the one above. And thus we come to reasons why The Bachelor somehow captures what it’s like to date. The men are clueless and make terrible decisions. For example, the men seem to go for the more sexually aggressive women that usually end up being the terrible choice. But looking back to my dating years, I probably would have made the same terrible choices. If she had kissed me instead of trying to play an E minor, I would have kissed her back.

Now the inverse in The Bachelorette is true as well. The women end up making terrible decisions because they fall for the wrong guys. Almost every season has a man that makes me realize, you’re that guy that gives men a bad name! I’ve done this before. While you brag about the break up one liner to your friends, I console her while she wistfully gazes into the night knowing deep down there is something there in your soul when in reality it’s a cesspool.  I never understood why the cesspool soul men always got the women while the guys that cared or at least made an effort to care always seemed like an after thought.

I realize the answer to this question is the very reason why The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are entertaining to watch. People don’t really communicate with each other (my guitar lesson would have ended very differently had we communicated our desire). My wife finds the guitar lesson story amusing. As she puts it, we both went home with more self confidence issues that night. And it’s way easier to let someone else make the decisions for you. And when one person is making the decisions (such as the sexually aggressive female or the cesspool man), it’s easy to get hurt when they make a decision that doesn’t have your best interest at heart. They were making selfish decisions in the first place. Why should it change after an established relationship?

At least the comedy will continue. The contestant is after all looking for true love… while making out with multiple people a week… even having sex with three people in a row (yep, the top three have the option of a private room)… that’s true love… at least in the Steven Tyler sense of the word.

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Dogs Not Jihads

My wife and I have finally figured out how to really end any extremist activity that endangers the lives of innocent people: Dogs Not Jihads. Instead of supplying terrorists with training, weapons, and military tactics, we will give them a basket full of puppies instead. When given the option of acts of violence or a loveable dog, the choice is obvious.

The whole Osama Bin Laden ordeal could have been prevented way back during the cold war. When Osama went to the United States for training and weapons to boot the Russians out of Afghanistan, the US should have responded with a gift basket of puppies. Who can really declare jihad with a basket full of puppies on their doorstep?

Osama: Curse you American Pig… oh look… the one with a spot on his head loves his brother by licking his ear! I think I will name him Akbar-Jihad-Musta-Kill-Lot-of-American-Capitalist-Hate-Regime-Terror-Death-Destroy-Ali-Jab-Dak’har!

This idea that probably won’t change the world really doesn’t have to stop with dogs. Other cute animals can be used as well. Let’s say on the off chance you are a crazy separatist religious group located in the vicinity of Waco, Texas. You really aren’t bothering anybody, aside from brainwashing and a little sexual abuse. The FBI decides to have a dance off-

FBI: When your a jet your a jet all the way.

David Koresh: Um… can we have a stand off instead?

FBI: Fine, Broadway is obviously dead.

David Koresh: I beg to differ! We use this compound to rehearse numbers from Ritual Sexual Abuse, The Musical!

FBI: Let’s just have the stand off.

-stand off. Before you set fire to the compound and machine gun your way into history… look… what’s that. An FBI Agent is bringing something to the compound. It seems like a… yes, it is! A basket full of kittens! They are so cute. Look at them batting the little bow on the basket with their tiny little paws. That’s so precious. With such cuteness in the world, how can anyone even want to brainwash and sexually abuse anymore!

Of course there are always extremists assholes that are so heinous that they’d probably try to kick the puppies. So live animals aren’t always the answer. But the idea is the same. Make them so incredibly cute that they really couldn’t be mean to anyone. Imagine Hitler wearing a cute little sailor suit holding a giant lollipop. A man with a lollipop that big isn’t thinking about mass genocide.

The people of the planet can finally relax now that we have a way to deal with all human rights travesties. Hotel Rwanda can be a leash free zone by simply replacing the bullets with tennis balls. Some bunnies and flower baskets placed in the DMZ on the 38th parallel has way more lasting effects than landmines! You can’t even see the landmines to enjoy their beauty! Extremists of the world watch out, Japanese school girls will have your googly eyed cell phone trinket likeness any day now!