Thomas P. Chile (Virginia) discovered the chile pepper after making a Native American family disappear. He justified his actions by saying “They’ll have casinos one day.”
New Mexico asks an important question of all of us: Red or Green? The question is so important to New Mexicans, they’ve actually gone so far as to make the choice of red or green the actual state question. Unlike Arizona, where the state question is “Immigration papers?”
For those who live outside New Mexico, you are probably wondering red or green what? But most likely you are wondering, I wonder if the light speed barrier is nulled by spooky action at a distance and does it account for red shifted light-waves? And occasionally you wonder, did I leave the door unlocked? While very rarely you wonder, will the writer get on with it and make his damn point? The answer to red or green is chile (peppers not what a toothless guy named Tex would make the posse during the campfire scene). So what would you like with your food? Red or Green? The answer to the question is of course 42.
Most New Mexican transplants start with the reaction of green? I didn’t know chile could be green! Is that because spooky action at a distance brings out the possibility of parallel universes so ergo the laws of physics could be different thus the frequency of light-wavelengths that we classify as red are really green? And if that’s true, why are they using the ability to transport between universes for chile in restaurants? Or you could just be thinking, green chile? Must be mold.
Green chile is neither mold or a trans-universe warp experiment on unsuspecting restaurant guests, but in fact the most tasty form of chile in the history of ever. And for those of you who think red chile is the most tasty chile in the history of ever. Please review these facts:
“Has anyone seen my pants?”
1. Aaron has taste buds.
2. King George II declared Aaron’s taste buds the arbiter of all that is tasty in 1732.
3. The British empire spanned the entire planet at the time so they pretty much knew what was good for the planet.
So that historic day when down like this:
Mother: My soup is the best! Isn’t that right Georgie Worgie?
George II: I’m King George II Ma! Sheesh!
Wife: My soup is way better! You tell her Georgie Pie.
George II: Can’t a guy just rule an empire with dignity! Fine, we will settle this once and for all. I declare that the taste buds of Aaron will be arbiter of all that is tasty, and he will be born in 1978!
Mother: That’s not…
George II: Hey, I don’t make the rules, God tells me and I follow them. Until then, both your soups are good!
Adviser: Excuse me sir, we have the Rape the Local Culture Act we need signed into law.
George II: Excuse me ladies, I’ve got some ruling to do.
And if you don’t believe that green chile is the best, I make this simple challenge, eat every variety of chile on the planet. Drink a whole lot of laxatives. Have a whole bunch of frat boys chest bump each other and yell “Way to go bro! I can’t believe you did that!” Then later on, use your fraternity contacts to get a high paying job. Work your way up to CEO. Then I can black mail you for $20 by threatening to release photos of the “chile” incident back in college. I will be $20 richer. And if enough people do it, I’ll have my own pyramid scheme.
Me: Hi, I’m Aaron Frale from Ass Blastarinos.
Audience Member: Is this some sort exercise program?
Me: No really, but you will lose some weight!
Audience Member: So it’s a porno?
Me: A porno pyramid scheme… interesting…
Three weeks later…
“I want to suck your… Did you remember a condom? Can’t be too careful these days. I was tested last week. But rather than demand test papers, I figure we be safe and use condom.”
Me: Alright folks, so the porn industry makes a lot of money in sequels, The Life of Penis IV and Harry Squatter XIV, and so forth. Now it’s time for you to get a piece of that. You make the sequels to my film, and then you get three people to make sequels to your film and we all get rich.
Audience Member: What if I’m too ugly to be in porn?
Me: Porn is the great equalizer folks, no one is too ugly for it. No matter what strange deformity, you’ll probably find a porn for it.
Audience Member: What if my lower half is a squid?
Me: We have some anime for you.
So if you ever find yourself partaking in local New Mexican cuisine and you see a guy whose lower half is a squid, you are more than likely partaking in peyote. However, if you are partaking in the local flavor of New Mexico that doesn’t involve hallucinogenic drugs, and the server asks “red or green?” Say green. It’s yummy. Trust me, the squid guy told me so.