The Case for Invading Jamaica

The government seems to be really concerned with this budget thing. The solution to all the US money troubles is really easy. We can invade a small country with a wealthy resource. Right now, the US military is pretty much the best in the whole world. We can take out a terrorist leader reading a book to an elementary school class and not harm the kids.

Osama Bin Laden: Akbar Goes to Broadway by Osama Bin Me. Akbar decided to visit New York and discovered it was full of, you might want to close your ears if you are squeamish, Americans! The Americans seemed to be everywhere. Except in the musical Annie, Akbar loved the musical Annie so it was probably a Canadian musical. Akbar needed get rid of all the Americans and get the cast of Annie safely back to Canada. Akbar decided to talk to his ex-KGB assassin buddy living in exile about a neutron bomb.

Teacher: Excuse me children… Mr. Bin Laden. There is a Mr. H.E. Drone here to see you.

Osama Bin Laden: Oh no, not that guy! He’s boring.

H.E. Drone: Whhhaaaaaatttt ddddooooo yyoooouuuu meeeeaaan IIIII aaaammm bbooorrriiinggg? Issss iiiiittt beeecauuuusseeee IIIII drooooone?

Osama Bin Laden explodes from a smart missile.

Teacher: Alright kids. I guess story time is over. Let’s open your books to math. Alrighty, so a train with a bomb leaves New York going at 95 miles an hour. A terrorist wants it to explode at 2:30….

If we have the best military in the whole world, why don’t we invade countries with a profitable natural resource and use the money to pay all our debt and balance the budget? It totally worked in Iraq so we can make it work again. However, oil is so early 2000’s. We need to think about the future and a resource that will always be in high demand. That’s why the US should invade Jamaica. We must send a message to the president about the need to invade Jamaica without delay.

We got the map. All we need are miniature troop models to slide across it.

Bomb here. But watch the weed fields.

Marijuana is a very profitable plant and those Jamaicans really know how to make money off of it. When my parents took a cruise, they were offered pot at least twenty times during their one day on the island. My parents could have made a small fortune if they decided to get into the international drug smuggling business. I bet certain circus performers could be really good at drug smuggling.

Interviewer: So why do you want to be in the drug smuggling industry?

Circus Performer: I can fit 5 pounds of Meth into my anus.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Circus Performer: Does this position come with benefits?

And because the Jamaicans are pretty relaxed and really friendly, I bet the invasion will be super easy. The US could sort of walk in and take over the country. We won’t even need excuses like WMD’s because the country is way laid back. The closest WMD in Jamaica is “Wicked Marijuana Dawg!” We even have a perfect Trojan horse already put in place. All the soldiers could just hide on a cruise ship and invade at their leisure. Imagine if we used that tactic on D-day. I bet there would have been a lot less death.

The brochure said nothing about the blood!

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the “Best Shell Fish in all of Normandy?”

Nazi Scout: There are a bunch of cruise ships on their way.

Nazi Commander: Finally! Tourism is picking up again! And better yet, a reason to play my Collected Hawaiian Hits record collection. Tell the troops to put on their Hawaiian shirts. And get my ten thousand coconut drinks with those tiny umbrellas!

Nazi Scout: Heir Commandant. We have no umbrellas.

Nazi Commander: What? No umbrellas! Kill them! Bomb them all! Crush the life out of their very existence!

Once the US has controlling interest of all the sweet Jamaican hash, we will be able to pay off all our debts and maybe even have some left over to get all the American citizens pinball machines. Because pinball machines are wicked cool yo.

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The Government Shutdown

     Day 1 – The government shut down today and unfortunately, I was still inside when it happened. My name was Russell and I was a low-level paperwork pusher. You’d figure in 2013, where you can pay for Starbucks with a smart phone, the government wouldn’t really need paperwork. Much less the sheer volume I dealt with on a daily basis. But this journal wasn’t about my job. It was about how I was stuck in a shut-down building. All the exits were locked. The security cameras were running but I was pretty sure the guy hired to watch them was furloughed. My cell service was Government Issue. They obviously saved $70 on a monthly plan. If we canceled 165 billion cell phone plans, we’d have the debt paid-off and maybe I could go home. Supposedly, even a cell phone without a plan could dial emergency services but I think the towers were Government Issue. No service anywhere in the building. The landlines were also down, even the internet. I wondered how close we were on that debt.

Coffee Pots

Coffee was a tradition at my work. It’s interesting how I didn’t really notice the social aspect to coffee. I felt alone when I sat down with a cup of coffee in an empty break room.

     Day 2 – You’d figure somebody would have checked on me. But I was assuming anyone who would come has been furloughed. Luckily enough, the power and the water came from the city or else there would be some smelly trashcans. I’ve calculated 242 mugs of coffee with cream and sweetener (anywhere from white sugar to green stevia). 563 mugs of hot water with cream and sweetener and 712 mugs of just hot water and sweetener before I run out of hot beverages. Though each of those numbers should be reduced by 1/3 because I usually have two mugs in the morning and one in the afternoon. Did I mention I was really good with numbers? Between the leftovers in the break room fridge, a food wheel (AKA Wheel of Death), candy machine, and soda machine, I probably only had a few days of real food, and probably two weeks of sugar disguised as food. Hopefully, the Affordable Care Act would cover my early onset diabetes.

     Day 3 – I was bored. At first, this was kind of fun. I was alone and free to explore. I pretty much had access to the first two floors, half of the third, and part of the basement. On every floor, there was the occasional locked door. I spent the second day digging through co-worker’s desks. I found some dirty little secrets. Ted spent money on flowers and gifts. The gifts were delivered to a woman who wasn’t his wife. My boss was skimming money from the government. She had expenses listed for office equipment but no actual office equipment. The cute girl, who worked three cubicles down, had a hunky boyfriend. And to think of all the conversations I wasted. There should be some rule to identify such important information early in the flirting process. And Gerald, he was exactly as boring as you think he is. No secrets.

Three Cubicles Down

This was Three Cubicles Down’s desk. I assumed the landscape pictures and calendar ready for 2014 was because she was adventurous, but when I found the picture of her and her boyfriend in the desk drawer, I had to question. Was it escape?

     Day 4 – I decided that four days was enough to be excused of a destruction of government property charge. I probably would have been excused much earlier but I always played it on the safe-side. For example, Three Cubicles Down: Boyfriends didn’t deter most guys but it deterred me. I figured if someone cheated to be with me, it would only be a matter of time before they cheated on me with someone else. I’d rather enter into a relationship with a clean slate. Of course, my last relationship didn’t end with a clean slate but there was no reason to jinx it from the beginning. But I digress; I tried to break the windows in the lobby today. They were tough. I smashed everything from a chair to the laser printer that I could barely carry, much less throw. I felt like I was in some sort of bizarre, modern, highland games. The printer shattered and the window held.

     Day 5 – I was fairly sure the government wouldn’t be back up anytime soon. So I had decided to ration the food. However, the coffee would last well beyond the food so I actually increased my intake of caffeine. I wondered if drinking more coffee was causing me to be so anxious. I was betting it was being trapped in a building for five fucking days. The windows were sturdy. I tried to bust out all of the exterior ones with no luck. So instead I wrote “trapped” on all the windows hoping somebody would swing by. There was no interior roof access. I was even desperate enough to set fire to my boss’s office. It was strangely satisfying as she was a micromanager. At any rate, I figured it would help her with the embezzlement wrap by destroying the evidence. I thought the flame would have the added bonus of starting the fire suppression system, which should alert the authorities. Instead, it burned and filled the second floor with smoke. Apparently, the fire sprinklers were furloughed. Luckily, the building was solid concrete, glass, and metal. I slammed the door to her office and the lack of oxygen eventually choked out the fire. For now, I was sticking to the ground floor tonight. The smell alone makes me want to throw up.

     Day 6 – I missed my parents. They lived out of state and I didn’t really talk to them much. But when I did, they seemed to make my troubles disappear. They got me through my last break up. At least enough to attempt speaking terms with Three Cubicles Down. But I never really talked with my folks otherwise. It wasn’t that I disliked them. I was living my life. I’d go to work. Played some online games, maybe streamed some television shows and repeated the process. I didn’t really have IRL friends-only the occasional party here and there. I invested so much into my last relationship. I didn’t really know what to do when I was on my own again. Once my parents convinced me that the world hadn’t ended, I didn’t call them back for the last few months. I didn’t know why. Things were going well. I wished I called my parents more often. They would come looking for me.

My food

The Wheel of Death is on the left. It was installed because people complained about not having healthy options. The “healthy options” turned out to be fruit doused in corn syrup and some “veggie” snacks with more cheese than carrot.

     Day 7 – I was drawing larger lettering for the word “trapped” in the lobby after my morning coffee when I saw the first person who wasn’t a photograph in somebody’s office or on a hard drive. I almost missed him because I thought that I was delusional. But he was real. The parking lot was empty and the trees were just beginning to turn. I took the bus to work the day I was trapped or else they would have seen my scooter and… This was embarrassing… but I was trapped because I nodded off on the toilet. I had an argument with my ex the night before all this happened. So I ate an entire bag of chips and a bottle of hot salsa from New Mexico. They take their heat seriously in New Mexico. I also drank two bottles of cheap wine, the kind with sulfates. Turned out the chips had gluten. I was gluten intolerant. Gluten wouldn’t kill me. It just caused digestive issues. So anyways, it was a trifecta of stomach ick and kept me awake much too late for a work night. Sleep deprivation and scooters were dangerous, especially when most people in my city drove pick-ups. So I played it safe and took the bus. Whoever closed shop on the first day locked me inside. If I only risked the scooter ride… Anyways, the parking lot had a lot of leaves because of the lack of gardening. In the middle of a swirl of leaves, a man stood in the parking lot. He wore a long, black overcoat, a baseball hat, and a pair of sunglasses. He stared expressionless at the building. I screamed and pounded on the glass. I slammed the chair and office equipment but he did not see me. Or least he didn’t change his expression. While I dug through the receptionist’s desk for an object to make some noise, he disappeared. The parking lot was empty except for the leaves dancing in the wind.

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7 Reasons to Support the Government Shutdown

Judge Dredd will be running for office soon...

When I said shut it all down, I was meaning something different…

People are going crazy about the government shut down like it will be a bad thing but I always like to stay positive. So here are some good things about the government shut down:

1. All those families with seventeen children who use up food stamps will just die off when their EBT cards fail. They may not eat for a whole month. I am pretty sure if you don’t feed people for a month, they’ll die. So that means we’ll save a whole bunch of money when all the food stamp people die out. Of course, they could always eat their children during the shut down. But at any rate, it will be less mouths to feed. And less mouths to feed equals savings.

2. Those silly government organizations like the forestry service and the national parks will shut down. It’s about time we get some fracking and some civilization out in those forest places. It’s so hard to find a McDonald’s in Yosemite.  It’s no wonder why hikers die, I bet they wouldn’t die as much if they had access to a Starbucks for every mile of trailhead.

You want to see this guys boobs?

Billion dollar research for this guy’s boobs.

3. Finally, an excuse to bury those stupid science places like NASA and Los Alamos. They spend way too much money on things that may not even exist like dark matter and Higgs bosoms. Higgs is an old dude and his breasts are probably not that attractive. The Large Hadron Collider cost a billion dollars to find the Higgs Bosom. We spent all this money on researching a dude’s boobs? Come on! I could find much cheaper boobs in a porno shop!

4. We can totally shut down the education department. People can attend Full Sail University instead of education. All you need is a degree in chemistry. Then you can figure out how to make the blue Meth. Hell, you probably don’t even need a degree in chemistry, you can just watch Breaking Bad on Netflix. What you really need is a mastery of body chemistry from all the chicks that will be up on you when you get the bling after the blue Meth sales start rolling in. Anyone have a RV for sale?

5. Hopefully, they’ll shut down the police departments too. Then the sales from number 4 will really start rolling in. We can switch to the honor based system of policing. So when serial killers go on rampages, we’ll trust that they will turn themselves in. And we can use the leftover food stamps from the people who ate their children as incentive. I’m sure all the criminals will turn themselves in when they are offered free food stamps.

6. If we are getting rid of police, we may as well shut down all emergency services. The more buildings that burn down, people with medical problems who die, and so forth will lighten the burden on the already strained system. With all the fires and chaos, we should shave most of our population who are on disability. Anyone who’s left won’t be able to survive against roaming street gangs.

7. With the government shut down and most of the population dead, we totally won’t have regulation on our cars. So we can rig them up Mad Max style. Crazy people with mohawks can jump from moving vehicles to moving vehicles in post apocalyptic fist fights with no government telling them what to do! I bet Tina Turner will still rule Bartertown if we ask her nicely. I call dibs on the midget riding the giant gimp.

The new face of congress.

A much more cost effective form of government.

Therapy in Prison (Not The Rapey)

A Poison Concert...

Chug! Chug! Chug! Suicide frats have difficulty finding new pledges.

I am not really a vengeful person. I don’t really see the point of punishing criminals. I am not saying we should hand out some “Get Out of Jail Free” cards:

Parole Officer: You’ve stabbed thirteen inmates, run the in-house drug smuggling, and raped 53 including the warden. What makes you think you’ll ever see the light of day?

Prisoner: I got this!

Pulls out a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

Parole Officer: Damn, lucky draw. You can leave.

Prisoner: Awesome! Peace, bitches!

Prisoner leaves then comes back.

Prisoner: Before I go. Can I get a “Get Out of a Murder Rap Free” card?

Parole Officer: No.

Prisoner: But Zimmerman got one!

I think people should go to prison if they commit a crime but I really don’t think the punishment based prison system works. The prison system is this system that takes a bunch of people with a predisposition to violence and puts them in situations were more violence is the only way to survive. When I think about the penal system, violence is really never a good solution to curb violent behavior. I will grant that there are some situations were violence is the only option. If aliens were to invade, than we would need a resistance group, preferably violent.

A group of people line up at a table that reads: Alien Killas Auditions TodayA man walks up to the table. A grizzled resistance fighter eyes him.

Fighter: Welcome to the tryouts. What makes you think that you can be a resistance fighter?

Man: I can kick ass and take names. Watch.

Man kicks the person behind him in the ass.

Dude: Hey!

Man: What’s your name?

Dude: Larry

Man: Larry… the dude’s whose ass whom I kicked is named Larry.

Um guys... will you please stop? Guys... I said please...

You missed… The lobbiest are across the street!

But other than self defense, I really don’t see the point of using violence to solve more violence. Some people seem to take pleasure in the thought that child molesters are being butt raped for cigarettes in prison but I really don’t think revenge is the best way to deal with prisoners.  Personally, I think child molesters should be put in therapy because there is obliviously something wrong with them. But then again, I’m not really a vengeful person. My middle school conflicts were solved with words (usually witty insults for a middle schooler-like proving those that smelled farts must obviously be the person who farted), and drafting the assistance of others (such as a brother with martial arts training-two grades higher than me). No wonder I became a writer-always ready with the verbal punch.

While I do think there is a need to keep prisoners away from society, I think it should be more therapy than a revenge based system.  So rather than butt raping, why not force them to go through mental health sessions? Some countries such as Norway have reformed the prison system to be more mental health care facilities over prisons. They look like day spas compared to our prison. And contrary to popular belief, they have reduced the repeat offender rate of their criminal element leaps and bounds over our repeat offender rate in the States. The reason why the therapy approach works is rather than animalize and dehumanize the person, they try to fix them.

So punishment may make us feel good in America. But our prisons are like career colleges for criminals. They just learn to be better criminals. Punishment isn’t really a good deterrent for criminals. If prisons being a hellhole was a deterrent, than criminals would need planning for the future skills. Most criminals don’t really plan for the future, hence why they are criminals.

The more you know...

We are more weirded out if you don’t have criminal record.

A criminal pulls a gun on a bank clerk.

Criminal: Give me all your money so I can pay tuition for my Associates Degree.

The clerk begins to fill a bag full of money.

Clerk: Man, those student loans are killer.

Criminal: Tell me about it. If you want to boost the economy, just forgive student loans!

Clerk: I know. I could buy a house with the money I use for student loan payments… What’s your degree in?

Criminal: Criminal Justice.

Clerk: Ironic.

Criminal: I know.

Therapy in Prison should be deterrent enough. Imagine giant dudes, the kind with five hundred tattoos who have killed at least three people by stabbing them once for every tattoo, hugging and talking about their feelings.

Therapist: Today, we are going to draw the animal that represents you.

The inmates begin to draw. The therapist walks around.

Therapist: Tiger, good Tyrone! Bear, great job Rex! Shark, super job Ted…. A… um… That’s nice Dagger, that’s a… um…

Ted: It’s a rabbit with rabies or something?

Dagger: Don’t you ever say that! It’s Pikachu.

Rex: What’s a Pikachu? A Virus?

Dagger (upset): Pikachu does not have rabies.

Therapist: It’s ok. Calm down, Dagger.

Dagger: He’s better than all of you! I will cut you!

Therapist: Dagger, you know what we’ve said about cutting. Now tell me about this Pikachu.

Dagger: Fine. He’s a Pokémon and he fights for his friends.

Therapist: Do you fight for your friends, Dagger?

Dagger (cries): No, I rape them!

Tyrone: I know, man. My ass is still sore!

Therapist: Well, maybe you can think about how you can be more like Pikachu. What would Pikachu do?

Years later…. Dagger is on the outside. He is reformed. He ordering a hamburger at a fast food place dressed in full Pikachu costume.

Dagger: Pika! Pika!

Employee: I’m sorry sir but I don’t understand.

Dagger: Pika! Pika! Pikachu!

Employee: You’ll have to pick something off the menu.

Dagger: Pika!

Manager: Is there a problem here? What is that? Is it like a rabid rabbit or something?

Dagger: Don’t you say anything bad about Pikachu.

Dagger stabs the manager 500 times.

Dagger: Oops.

A punishment based prison system feels like institutionalized revenge. There may be a temporary release of tension when people get revenge but overall the victims still feel like shit the long-run because they’ve been victimized. Then to add insult to injury, in a punishment based penal system, the prisoners have a higher likelihood of victimizing again.  I think Shakespeare really figured out that vengeance really only leads to the everyone dies and no one is satisfied ending. For example, I saw the play Hamlet on one of those scrambled television channels where if you squint really hard, you may see a boob but you can hear the sound. The characters were way too focused on revenge in Hamlet. Everyone had this orgy at the end and killed each other. Poor Horatio was left wacking himself until Fortinbras came in and showed Horatio why they call him “Fortune Bra”.

Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Take my body for it is rock!

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me.   For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity!  Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and  my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Klingon and hair metal?

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups  who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

If Gays Could Marry…

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before? 

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.

The Dead Art of Channel Surfing

I am going to Ireland this weekend. So this blog will be put on hold for a while.  Last time I went to Europe, I wrote a piece about how to get kicked out of Europe. For Ireland, I figure I’d write about something I won’t being doing while I am there-watching TV.  With Hulu and Netflix, I never seem to lack something to view. But I can remember the days of owning cable with triple digit channels and nothing to watch. Here is all the television I’ll will not see while in Ireland. An ode to the dead art of channel surfing:

click.

Announcer: Hey kids! It’s that time again!

KIDS: Time for Uncle Happy’s Fun Land!

Uncle Happy stumbles out. Drunk.

Uncle: Fuck you. The bitch says that I owe child support! I fucking support kids all fucking day.

Kid One: Gee Whiz, You’re drunk again Uncle Happy.

Kid Two: That means it’s time for…

KIDS: Hide-the -FLASK! Yayyy!

The kids roar with laughter as they hide Uncle Happy’s flask.

Click.

Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before. Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before.

We are like the Groundhog’s Day of romantic comdies.

Tom Hanks: You know. I’m not really that attracted to you. I just don’t see what’s the big deal.

Meg Ryan: Shut up! You don’t have to be! I represent every woman!

Lzzy Hale: Not me.

Meg Ryan: I’m not talking to you! Now go and ponder about how the right one is out there and we will barely miss connecting until the end.

Tom Hanks: But we always do this! Can’t we do a different movie for a change?

Meg Ryan: No! Now go check your email.

Tom Hanks: But…

Meg Ryan: GO CHECK YOUR EMAIL!

click.

Chris Harrison: This week, the bachelor has sex with three different women within twenty four hours of each other in order to find his one true love.

The Bachelor: Life is so hard when you’re the bachelor!

Women: We have low self-esteem.

click.

It's just a neck rub... shut up.

This is actually a masturbation photograph. A real man’s penis fights back.

Rambo is chained to a wall and being tortured by cartel thugs. They punch him in the face while they talk.

Thug One: You know, I think you got a real shot at governor.

Rambo: You think so?

Thug Two: Arnold did it. Jesse Ventura did it. That’s like half the cast of Predator.

Thump! Bap!

Rambo: You have a point.

Thug One: It’s something to think about. Mull it over.

Thug Two: It’s an 80’s action star thing to do.

Thump! Wack!

Rambo: True.

Thug One: Very good, now get the red hot ass poker.

click.

Tom Hanks looks like he has been on a desert island. He talks to Wilson the volleyball in a grass hut.

Tom Hanks: You wouldn’t believe what I’ve had to do to get away from “you know who”.

There is a rustle outside. We hear Meg Ryan’s voice.

Meg Ryan: Tom? Is that you?

Tom Hanks: Shit. Cover for me!

Tom sneaks out the back. Meg walks in.

Meg Ryan: Have you seen Tom?

No response from Wilson. He’s just a volley ball.

Meg Ryan: What do you mean I just missed him! I told you to keep him busy.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Has anyone told you that you have such friendly eyes?

click.

A senator is at the podium.

I wonder if they have crazy hat day?

Ha! I said Boehner!

Senator: It’s a good thing that the public doesn’t watch C-SPAN, or they’d know about the bullshit that goes on around here. Am I right? Am I right? But seriously folks, it’s time for some business. Ever notice how New York and Chicago both claim to have the best pizza on the planet? If they could only make that claim about their football teams!

Newt Gringrich does a rimshot.

Senator: Thank you. Thank you! You are beautiful folks. So my girlfriend left me today…

click.

Gary Busey sits in the Governor’s office.

Celebrity governors are an untapped national resource.

Best governor ever… think about it

Gary Busey: I’m Gary Busey and I’m going to be your governor! The best fucking governor you’ve ever had.

Rambo enters, ready for office.

Rambo: But I was supposed to do that.

Meg Ryan: Don’t worry Wilson. The Governor will marry us. I love you Wilson, you’re just so obedient.

click.