Puppies For World Peace

I really think I need to reiterate my stance on senseless violence this week. We should really fight terrorism with baskets full of puppies. Imagine some wacko who is about to place a bomb at a crowded event, he opens the trashcan… and it’s FULL OF PUPPIES. Who could murder puppies? And what if they did murder puppies? They’d probably be denounced by most the terrible groups of humanity.

Al-Qaeda Spokesperson: While the slaughter of capitalist pig dogs gives me warm tingles, there is nothing more criminal than the slaughter of innocent puppies. For once, Al-Qaeda must offer a formal condolences to the American people for such a terrible crime.

The Young Hitler Club: An awful crime was committed today. We must set aside our differences and work together for harmony and peace for all puppy kind. For each synagogue we burn down, we’ll donate to animal rescue.

Eat my jam!

The guard behind Timothy Mcveigh looks like he’s smelling a fart.

Timothy Mcveigh Jam of the Month Club: For each jam you buy this month, two dollars will be donated to the victims of the puppy bombing…

No matter how terrible and awful of a person you can be, it takes a person that much, much worse to do something bad to cute furry little animals. So the obvious solution to curb violence is ensuring that cute animals are present in every public venue. And if we are aware somebody with terrorist tendencies, we send them a basket full of kitties to curb the behavior before it becomes a problem.

Potential Terrorist: I hate the world and everybody hates me. Nobody loves me.

A kitty purrs and brushes against the terrorist’s leg.

Potential Terrorist: Except for Miss Mewsovich III.  You love me.

The kitty purrs and raises her but as he scratches her back.

Potential Terrorist: I can’t stay mad with you in the world!

So if we want to put an end on violence for good, remember that hate takes way more energy than love. To truly hate, you need to spend all this time coming up with a diabolical scheme. Schemes take time! And who has the time for evil plots? All of Breaking Bad is on Netflix. Whereas with love, all you need is a ball or some catnip. I think John Lennon said that.

How much could a wood chuck chuck?

Think about it.

John: All you need are balls! All you need are balls! All you need are balls! Balls! Balls are all you need.

Ringo: Wouldn’t love work better?

John: But don’t you need balls to make love? Think about it.

John plays the punk rock, “All You Need Are Balls”.

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Dogs Not Jihads

My wife and I have finally figured out how to really end any extremist activity that endangers the lives of innocent people: Dogs Not Jihads. Instead of supplying terrorists with training, weapons, and military tactics, we will give them a basket full of puppies instead. When given the option of acts of violence or a loveable dog, the choice is obvious.

The whole Osama Bin Laden ordeal could have been prevented way back during the cold war. When Osama went to the United States for training and weapons to boot the Russians out of Afghanistan, the US should have responded with a gift basket of puppies. Who can really declare jihad with a basket full of puppies on their doorstep?

Osama: Curse you American Pig… oh look… the one with a spot on his head loves his brother by licking his ear! I think I will name him Akbar-Jihad-Musta-Kill-Lot-of-American-Capitalist-Hate-Regime-Terror-Death-Destroy-Ali-Jab-Dak’har!

This idea that probably won’t change the world really doesn’t have to stop with dogs. Other cute animals can be used as well. Let’s say on the off chance you are a crazy separatist religious group located in the vicinity of Waco, Texas. You really aren’t bothering anybody, aside from brainwashing and a little sexual abuse. The FBI decides to have a dance off-

FBI: When your a jet your a jet all the way.

David Koresh: Um… can we have a stand off instead?

FBI: Fine, Broadway is obviously dead.

David Koresh: I beg to differ! We use this compound to rehearse numbers from Ritual Sexual Abuse, The Musical!

FBI: Let’s just have the stand off.

-stand off. Before you set fire to the compound and machine gun your way into history… look… what’s that. An FBI Agent is bringing something to the compound. It seems like a… yes, it is! A basket full of kittens! They are so cute. Look at them batting the little bow on the basket with their tiny little paws. That’s so precious. With such cuteness in the world, how can anyone even want to brainwash and sexually abuse anymore!

Of course there are always extremists assholes that are so heinous that they’d probably try to kick the puppies. So live animals aren’t always the answer. But the idea is the same. Make them so incredibly cute that they really couldn’t be mean to anyone. Imagine Hitler wearing a cute little sailor suit holding a giant lollipop. A man with a lollipop that big isn’t thinking about mass genocide.

The people of the planet can finally relax now that we have a way to deal with all human rights travesties. Hotel Rwanda can be a leash free zone by simply replacing the bullets with tennis balls. Some bunnies and flower baskets placed in the DMZ on the 38th parallel has way more lasting effects than landmines! You can’t even see the landmines to enjoy their beauty! Extremists of the world watch out, Japanese school girls will have your googly eyed cell phone trinket likeness any day now!