10 Flawed Commandments

Welcome to post 200! I wanted to do something big in celebration of my 200th post. Since my most popular post to date was about reasons the rapture would good for those of us left on Earth, I thought a post poking fun at religion would be appropriate to ring in the 200’s. Hopefully, I’ll have religious fanatics picketing this blog or at very least offend some people who use God as their defense for being an asshole. For all of you that are not assholes and also religious, remember that I believe there is nothing inherently wrong with religion. However, there are flawed people and those people are the ones who fuck it up for everyone else. So to paraphrase Jesus, “don’t be an asshole” and enjoy the post:

1. Don’t Worship Other Gods – Aside from the fact that it’s a really dick move to say you can’t have any friends but God, he really knew what he was doing with this one. Imagine the pay cut God would take if people had to tithe to many gods.

God: Have you given ten percent?

Rich Asshole: More like 4%. Shiva and Poseidon take a cut!

God: I should be your only god!

Rich Asshole: Shiva destroys my competition and Poseidon keeps the shipping lanes clear. If I didn’t give many gods a cut, I wouldn’t be making half the money I make.

God: You think this crystal kingdom is cheap? You are killing me here!

Rich Asshole: So if I killed some hookers in my life time, could I give 10% and still get into heaven?

God: Done. I think I see a need for some commandments.

2. No False Idols – This probably was the most sensible one of the ten. So take down those Justin Bieber and One Direction posters. They make god angry.

God: That’s right. Fuck those guys.

3. Don’t Take God’s Name in Vain – The problem with this one is that no one really knows god’s name anymore. So phrase’s like “god dammit” technically don’t break any rules.

A student is typing. His computer says “network error”.

Student: God dammit. I hate this computer.

God: I shall strike thee down with great fiery vengeance.

The computer burns with holy fire.

Student: Dude! What the hell man? I need that! Finals are this week!

God: But you told me to damn it!

Student: It was an expression. Like Zeus Dammit. Maybe I can salvage the hard drive…

Lighting crackles and strikes the husk of the computer.

Zeus: Someone order a lightning bolt?

Student: Fuck!

Thor smashes it with his hammer.

Thor: I smash when people say fuck. It’s what I do.

Student: All of you gods get the fuck out of here.

Thor smashes the student with his hammer.

God: We are really going to need to clarify this name in vain thing. I’m stick of false house calls…

4. Remember the Sabbath – The first four are pretty silly in the context of anything other than religion. Imagine if McDonald’s didn’t want you to go anywhere else? You shall worship Ronald! Throw away all your Burger King hats. You will not say anything bad about the food. And get Happy Meals every Sunday! But number four isn’t about going to church. It was about Black Sabbath. God wants you to rock every Sunday.

God plays air guitar.

God: People think I’m insane because I am frowning at the time! Um… I mean wrath! Angry god! Urrr….

5. Honor Thy Father and Mother – So Ariel Castro’s kid has to honor him? People are giving Ariel Castro’s kid a hard time because of his serial killer rapist father. People say that he must of known about the women his pop held captive for ten years. But if my father was a serial killer rapist, I probably wouldn’t visit. So I think Ariel Castro’s kid is well justified in not honoring his father or visiting him ever.

God: Don’t point out the grey areas! If people think for themselves, their priests can’t tell them what to do!

6. Thou Shalt Not Kill – But it’s completely cool for soldiers, self-defense, when they own resources you want, when there are ideological differences, or when they worship pretty much the same god with slight differences. For the all the killing thou shalt not do, history sure seems to have a lot of it.

Phone rings.

Secretary: God’s desk. This is Jeannette.

Caller 1: Hello, this is Akbar “Kill-American-Pig-Dog” Alla’din. I want to check on my Holy War.

Secretary: Hang on. Let see. God has you scheduled for a holy war this Thursday at three.

Caller 1: Eastern or Middle Eastern Standard Time?

Secretary: GMT.

Caller 1: Thank you. The infidels will burn with vengeance.

Phone Rings.

Secretary: Please hold… God’s desk.

Caller 2: This is the Westboro Baptist Church. We were looking to kill us some gays but on a regular basis. Can we schedule Holy War Thursdays?

Secretary: I’m sorry. Thursday is booked.

Phone rings.

Secretary: Hang on… Please hold. God’s desk.

Caller 3: I’d like to schedule a holy war.

Secretary: Who do you plan to kill?

Caller 3: Well, no one, these guys keep depanting me in gym class.

Secretary: It’s only a holy war if you kill each other for ideological differences.

Caller 3: Can’t God turn them into salt or something? Send them a message.

Secretary: Look, this line is for crusaders, holy wars, and Michael Bay only.

Caller 3: Michael Bay has a direct line to God?

Secretary: You think he gets by on talent alone?

Caller 3: He does have pretty incomprehensible action sequences and shallow characters.

Secretary: Now you’re getting it. Look kid, I’ll send a Jihadist group to your school and take care of those bullies.

Caller 3: Jeepers! Really! God really does answer prayers.

Secretary: He’s out golfing. Boss gets all the credit. We do all the work.

Caller 3: What?

Secretary: You’ll find out when you’re older.

A few weeks later… A Jewish Holy Fighter Squad Breaks into the  Northbrook Middle School Gym.

Jewish Holy Fighter: We will bring down the wrath of god to all those who depants.

Bully: Bro, aren’t Jewish people the victims of history?

Jewish Holy Fighter:  Never again. Starting with people who depants.

Nerdy kid: Yes!

7. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery – God should have been a little more clear on this rule. Adultery is off the table. But choir boys, no problems there.

Priest: Hi Jimmy. Do you want to earn a pack of bubble gum?

Jimmy drops his robe.

Priest: What the hell are you doing? Put your robe back on. I was going to ask you to get the wafers ready for mass.

Jimmy: Aren’t you going to molest me?

Priest: Whoa! That’s sick! I know the ten commandments don’t have an issue with it but I do.

Jimmy: Oh come on! I’ll steal some of my dad’s whiskey.

Priest: I’m not going to molest you.

Jimmy: You some sort of square?

Priest: I’m going to call your parents.

Jimmy: I got to get my first sexual experience someday. You want me to die a virgin?

Priest: Shouldn’t you be worried about capturing fireflies or something?

Jimmy: Fireflies? Who needs bugs when you’ve got the internet?

Priest: Do your parents do any parenting at all?

Jimmy: They work all day and night. I’m lucky if I see them once a week. The internet and Xbox are my parents. So we going to have sex or not?

Kid punches the Priest.

Priest: Where did you learn about sex?

Jimmy: Grand Theft Auto. Sex is when you slap a hoe around.

Weeks later… priest has record numbers in his church.

Priest: So Jesus bitched slapped Lazarus and said, “Fucking stab that needle in the heart. This fucker is about to OD!”

Congregation Member: Best service ever…

8. Thou Shall Not Steal – This one is pretty clear. Unless it’s a “lawful war”, then it’s spoils of war. And what’s a “lawful war” anyway?

God: Don’t take anything that’s not yours. But if it were to be leftover after a war…

George W. Bush: But I really want that oil. Now! It’s mine!

God: Do I have to spell it out for you? Make up some shit about WMD’s and start a god damn war.

George W. Bush: Too many big words.

God: Do I really have to do everything for you? I’ll write your speeches.

Later… at the State of the Union.

George W. Bush: Say “I” then spell the word “cup”.

God hits his forehead.

9. Don’t Lie About Your Neighbors – But everyone else is fair game. That’s why corporate America is pretty much ok with spinning any bullshit.

Bullshit 1: 9/10 doctors agree that Cancer Man Cigarette will cure your kid’s cough.

Bullshit 2: Bottled water is healthier than tap water which cities test 10 times a day while bottled water goes virtually untested!

Bullshit 3: The government serves the people rather than a few people trying to get rich.

All these are ok by biblical standards. And we really need to make rules based on the bible. If we used the bible as a morale code, we could sell our children into slavery and give struggling American families an economic boost!

10.  Don’t Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife – I think this one really shows the age of the bible. If god didn’t really want you to be lustful, then maybe he should have added an Internet Porn clause.

Peter: Looks like you’ve followed all the ten commandments. Welcome to heaven!

Guy: Sweet!

Peter: Now, before we get started, what was your profession?

Guy: Jack-off King!

Peter: Really?

Guy: Seriously, I figured that I really liked jacking off so I thought that I’d setup a webcam and get paid for it.

Peter: So people would pay to watch you jack-off?

Guy: There is something for everyone on the internet.

Peter: Right. Well, the jack-off part of heaven is full.

Guy: Really?

Peter: Well yeah. You think all people without sin are young, hot, sexually active people?

Guy: So heaven is full of  recluses?

Peter: Yep. So long as they are not coveting their neighbor’s wife…

God: Hello, I’d like thank you for joining us for this humor post. If you can’t laugh at religion, then you probably take it way too seriously. And religion taken way too seriously leads too:

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Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Take my body for it is rock!

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me.   For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity!  Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and  my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Klingon and hair metal?

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups  who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

A Historical, Transcultural, and Sacrilicious Perspective on Gluten Free

I wonder if Alice had to worry about gluten?

The genital region of this gluten free product is censored for younger audiences.

The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish. For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye.

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like make them glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages:

Do you think they used the toilet with face paint?

Do it! And let the English watch.

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallying the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from the menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.

Drive-Thru Voice: Welcome to McWontChangeTheWorldWon’tBeSuedNotDonald’s, may I take your order?

Customer: Can you ritually sacrifice a cow to the great Pazuzu for my Quarter NotPounder?

DTV: One number 3, would you like fries with that?

Customer: Can I get them fried in the same volcano used to sacrifice virgins?

DTV: One upgrade on the fries. What would you like to drink?

Customer: Could I get a water made from children’s tears?

DTV: WHAT? THAT’S SICK! You are fucked up. So fucked up.

There is more than enough Jesus to go around!

1: Do you suppose he’s gluten free? 2: Take a bite out of him and see…

Ireland is so gluten friendly that in the big cathedral of Galway, there was a gluten free communion wafer line. Now since the communion wafer is technically the Body of Christ, wouldn’t that mean that Jesus would have a gluten free diet to be gluten free?  What makes gluten bad for those that have a problem with it is that gluten leaks into the blood stream. So therefore, if you have a gluten free diet, your body has no gluten. Hence, in order to have a gluten free Body of Christ, Jesus must have went on a gluten free diet! Let’s take a look at the historical records that I just made up.

Judas and Jesus are in bed together, engaging in pillow talk.

Judas: I don’t like how you sleep with other guys.

Jesus: I’m not a one man sort of dude. It’s an open relationship. All twelve of you know that. Paul doesn’t seem to care.

Judas: Paul will fuck anything that moves. Besides, he really wants to get in the pants of Pontius.

Jesus: Oh man, I’d really like to fuck that.

Judas: It hurts when you say that.

Jesus: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And boy what I’d have Pontius do onto me.

Judas: Stop it, Jesus! I love you.

Jesus: Love thy fellow man…

Judas: I thought we had something!

Judas runs out in tears. Jesus is riffling though some scrolls.

Jesus: You’ll be back. Hey, who took the word penis out of all my Sermon on the Mount monologues? I’m going to have to talk with Matthew. And by talk, I mean fuck. It’s good to be the son of god with a 12 inch pianist.

12 Inch Pianist: Hello, you are probably wondering, how do I play a piano when I am only 12 inches tall? My piano is smaller to fit my hand size. You are also wondering, was Jesus really gay? Well, he did hang out with 12 dudes and he wanted them to have his body. You decide. Paul, the wild one, in the original translation of his letter to the Romans, “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural function of the icky woman, burned in their lust toward washboard abs and rippling biceps, men doing what is inappropriate with men but oh so much fun, and receiving in themselves the due of a high five.” The events here are merely a fiction based on conjecture. Back to the story, Judas isn’t a manwhore. He was secretly waiting for Jesus to settle down. Judas did what anyone with a broken heart would do. Setup his lover.

I wonder if the Romans had hazing rituals?

You gay, bro?

Pontius Pilate is bench pressing prisoners. Judas moves in to spot him.

Pontius: You are blocking my light twerp.

Judas: I can get you a date with Mary.

Pontius: You serious, bro? This isn’t one of your homo tricks?

Judas: I’m going to assume your homophobia comes from your father and ignore that.

Pontius: Too many big words!

Judas: Whoa! Calm down! I’ll hook you up with Mary.

Pontius: Ok, bro! But if this is one of your gay tricks. I’ll punch you.

Later, at the apartment of Jesus:

Jesus displays his six pack in front of a mirror.

Jesus (singing): I’m too sexy for my robe! Too sexy for my carpenter stick. So sexy it hurts.

Judas: I got you a date with Pontius!

Jesus: I thought you were jealous of the open relationship.

Judas: Turn the other cheek.

Jesus: I’ll tell you what I’d do with those cheeks.

Jesus slaps Judas’ ass. A laugh track goes off.

Jesus: We really have to get that fixed.

Judas: It’s kind of annoying.

Laugh track.

Jesus: Testicles.

Laugh track. Jesus giggles.

Judas: Do you think about anything else?

Jesus: I was born with infinite love! What do you expect?

Later that night:

Jesus is lying in a four post bed. Judas draws the curtains hiding Jesus inside.

Judas: Remember. Don’t say anything. Let Pontius be in control. He likes that.

Pontius: Scram twerp.

Judas exits. Pontius climbs into bed.

Hah! The painting is called Ecce Homo!

The fact that Pontius liked it only proves that his homophobic tendencies were a result of repressed desires.

Days later:

Jesus is on a crucifix. Judas cries at his feet.

Judas: Oh lord! Please forgive me!

Jesus: Hey Judas, Look at my abs! Don’t they look good! I did the South Beach diet in prep for the crucifixion.

Judas: You dieted for a crucifixion?

Jesus: I’m going with the top down for the next three days. I want to look good.

Judas: Jesus Christ! I think I just invented a new swear word.

Jesus: I also tried gluten free. I heard it helps with bloating. It also could have been this ab blaster routine.

12 Inch Pianist: And there you have it. Evidence that Jesus may have been gluten free. While many scholars debate the actual events of his life, all pretty much agree that he was very health conscience. Why do you think all the crosses feature a ripped and buff Jesus? Well, anything looks ripped and buff when you are my size. And did you know that my penis is actually 12 inches. When I bounce on it, I look like the letter T.