7 Tips For Applying to College

Hands to yourself buddy!

We love diversity! Unless you’re gay. Just where is the other hand of that blonde surfer dude anyway?

1. IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO START YOUR COLLEGE SEARCH – If you want to get in a good school, you have to start thinking about it during at least your third cell-division during your conception. By the time you get to the fourth cell-division, schools like MIT and Harvard will have the admission team call you:

MIT Admissions Rep: Hi Jenny, this is MIT. We are calling because we have some good news.

Jenny: Yes! What is it?

MIT Admissions Rep: Just Kidding. You Suck!

Jenny: Hey! I was planning to go to MIT since birth!

MIT Admission Rep: Join the long line to be a Walgreens stocking clerk. Our students have been planning since the first cell-division.

Jenny: This is terrible.

MIT Admission Rep: When you are burnt out from working three jobs you hate to live a middle class lifestyle… Just remember, you could have been somebody if you only had a little foresight

Jenny: I should have listened to my in-womb guidance consoler!

What's he hiding under the desk?

Now give me a little spin. Let me see that butt.

2. WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR – When your guidance counselor has requests like “show a little more skin” or “a young subtle youth as yourself will be successful with a little experience from an older gentleman such as myself”, it’s not weird at all. Most guidance counselors are hired for their extreme creepiness factor. That’s why high school students never see them.

High School Boy: I spend most of my time thinking about my future. I really don’t like thinking about sex at all.

Guidance Counselor: It’s ok to think about sex. You can tell me all those thoughts roaming around. Just don’t look me up in the sex offender database.

High School Boy: Jeepers! You are creepy mister. I’ve never even heard of sex before today. Or drugs.

Guidance Counselor: I got some weed in the office.

High School Boy: Zowie. You sure know how to get a person to think about his future.

Guidance Counselor: They kicked me out of being a health teacher you know…

3. EXPLORE MAJORS THAT MATCH YOUR SKILLS AND INTERESTS – Since the last sketch was unrealistic because most teenagers are interested in pretty much sex and/or drugs. Teens have a limited set of major choices. Botany is a good major for those with the softer drugs and Chemistry for the harder ones. For those looking for sex, any major will do. Graduate students are always willing to exchange grades for sexual favors.

Hot Student: If we have sex, will you give me an A?

Graduate Student: No

The new face of student loan debt control

Do you know how much we owe in student loans? This is the only way to realistically pay them off.

4. DON’T RULE OUT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF COST – Most people think that school costs too much. But there are always ways to pay for school. You can pay for school like most people by robbing banks, whoring yourself, selling meth, and even kidnapping high profile people for ransom money.

Modified Voice: If you want to see MC Hammer alive, please deposit $2 million in cash.

Hammer Family: Hahaha! He has like $2 in his bank account.

Modified Voice: Then how about Mike Tyson!

Hammer Family: You’ll get some pocket change

Modified Voice: Donald Trump? He is doing really well for himself.

Hammer Family: He’s reality show whore. He’s dancing like a monkey for the network execs. He probably makes as much money as a rock star from the sixties.

Ringo Starr: I think I got a pen with my name on it from the first four Beatle albums.

 5. PRIORITIZE THE FACTORS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY – This one is really easy because college chicks and dudes are pretty much way hot no matter where you go. So the factor you’ll need to research is the access to drugs and alcohol. Usually, you’ll want to avoid places like “dry” because they don’t allow alcohol on campus. Unless you are looking for crazy drugs like injecting eightballs into your corneas, than you probably want “dry” campuses. Usually, the sheltered ones go off the deep end when they are exposed to the world.

Missionary: I am here to speak with you about god.

Dude: Do you want heroin?

Missionary: My mom always said I was a hero.

Dude: Welcome to Heaven on Earth…

Missionary steps into the house. Five hours later… Missionary is naked, in a fetal-position, and crying. Dude strokes his head.

Missionary: My mother was wrong…

Dude: Shhh…. shhh… the first step is acceptance.

Do students really study like this?

So we’ll place shooters: here, here, and here. Tammy you got the pipe bomb?

6. VISIT AS MANY UNIVERSITIES AS POSSIBLE – You want to make sure to visit colleges because you want to check out the bathrooms. Sketchy bathrooms equals sketchy college. You never see people taking craps in college brochures, yet you’ll have to take a shit at least once a day at the college. And being a person who was propositioned for gay sex in a college bathroom, you’ll want to know (so you can have that gay sex if you swing that way). Lucky for me, I was pretty clueless.

I was sitting on the toilet and this hand comes from under the stall. It was three fingers facing up. I later discovered from a gay buddy of mine that the hand signal was an old eighties “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” hand gesture.

Me: Do you need toilet paper?

No response. So I thought maybe he is a deaf mute. And deaf mutes need toilet paper too sometimes. So I took a giant wad of toilet paper and put it in his hand.

7. THINK QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY – This is probably the best advice for college. Crappy cheap beer and wine will give you massive hangovers the next day. You want to pay a little more so you don’t feel like shit the next day. Sulfates will kill your head. So when you apply to college, make sure the nearest liquor store has top shelf stuff. If it’s a 7-11 full of crappy beer, you’re going to spend a lot of your college experience hung-over. Unless you do too much drugs, than you’ll be crazy and homeless.

Missionary: I am one with the universe, man. All the acid…

Me: The blog post is over. You can go home.

Missionary: Oh… when do we get paid?

Me: I don’t get paid for writing it. Hell, I can’t even afford to hire actors to act out the sketches. Ringo Starr didn’t even get paid!

Ringo Starr: “Can’t Buy Me Love” can’t buy me anything!

Missionary: But I should get something!

Me: My heart felt gratitude for a job well done?

Wal-Mart Executive: Yes… a job well done… That should be employees’ motivation to work. We shouldn’t even have to pay them at all. We have to make money some how. My $30 million salary barely keeps up the rent on my castle. Poor people just don’t know how hard it is to be rich. Maybe I’ll cut paying employees all together and give them stickers to show what a good job they’ve been doing!

My Biggest Loser Moment (Without Cake)

Future Owner of Ameria

Then you take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Squeeze them like this. I’ll use real testicles after I made my billions.

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl inventing a flashlight powered by the heat from your body. Back when I was 15, I was more worried about finding a hit of acid or if this really cute girl who was way out of my league liked me. Of course looking back at those years, I know that the girl really didn’t know that I existed but with the acid, I didn’t really care that she didn’t know that I existed because walking up a three foot hill in the desert was a mind blowing mystical experience. It’s like an epic journey with Frodo up mount doom man.

I’m pretty well aware of the reasons why I didn’t get the ladies in high school so shut up. But suffice to say, I feel like my high school time was pretty much wasted and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Inventing a flashlight is going to make this girl millions or at the very least land a super sweet research job or scholarship money. I don’t think my trek up the hill in the desert behind my house while baked on acid would have done the same thing for me (though it may certainly made me feel like I was).

The phrase, “being young is wasted on the youth” is more or less the problem with the educational system. I was extremely lucky to be in high school when Yahoo was a collection of some dude’s favorite places. This was before eBay and just about every major web platform. Instead of encouraging us to generate new ideas, my educational system really inspired me to see the futility in it all. The school didn’t care, they cared more about getting you to not shoot-up in class than provide education and more importantly provide planning skills for the future. And since the public education system didn’t care, I didn’t either.

Just send her to troubled high schools

My face is every pharmacy in America! What have you done?

I completely subscribed to the apathy that stifled my generation. I subscribed to it so much that I sort of half-assed my way through college when I came to my biggest loser moment. And no it wasn’t because I was eating gobs of cake while Jillian yelled in my ear. I was actually working one hour photo, sort of in-between a degree in theatre and a life of minimum wage hell. The smartest person I knew in high school came to get some photographs and she recognized me.

“Aaron? Is that you?” She said a statement that if one girl said to me in high school I probably would have jizzed in my pants but in loser college days made me actually have to think. I wasn’t quite sure who it was yet.

I was working in a job were it was customary not to think so I delayed with the “Hi. How are you?” generic response.

“Good!” She said.

“What have you been up to?” I said trying to tease out more information so I could think of her name.

“I’m just graduating from MIT. I own my own business but I’m thinking about going back to get another Masters.” She said. It was enough for me to remember her name and that she was the smartest person I knew in high school. It was also enough to make me realize the amount of nothing I’ve done with myself. That’s also when I realized the apathy was bullshit. I wasn’t achieving my goals because I didn’t strive for them. She had the same educational foundations as me. Sure, the school didn’t help but I didn’t help myself. I’m not saying that schools shouldn’t help because if they did, more people would plan for the future and succeed. But I should share some accountability for success as well.

That’s when I went into business for myself, making super zombies. My zombies were way better because they were imbued with intelligence (which for a zombie is slightly upbove your average Jersey Shore person). Unfortunately, the world domination plan fell through because now the zombies are all addicted to Dancing with the Stars and other reality TV. So I’m back to being a loser and writing blogs.

Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Take my body for it is rock!

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me.   For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity!  Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and  my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Klingon and hair metal?

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups  who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

We Need Just a Liter or Six

Last night was like a Doctor Who episode. My students were called out of the classroom to help the medical assisting students practice their blood drawing skills. Of course, my school really is a career college and not an alien plot to experiment on human test subjects… right? RIGHT?

The cast

When I see one of these folks running down the halls at my school, I’ll know…

Aside from the fact that a civilization advanced enough for interstellar space flight experimenting on a civilization that has barely left their solar system is rather silly.  Aliens really don’t need subterfuge to experiment on the public. All they really need is to make a reality television show.

People really will do anything to be on television. I’d imagine there will be droves of volunteers for shows like “What’s my Radiation Tolerance?”, “All Your Internal Organs Are Showing”, and “Human Centipede Big Brother”. People do really strange things for free without being on television. What if the aliens could guarantee that they would be streamed by millions of viewers?

Imagine a school. Wired with cameras. Aliens lurking through the halls. A light flickers off and on. Then a little note appears on bottom of the screen. “Who do think will bite it this week? #WeeklyDeath Tweet now!” But I am guessing the Doctor will bring down the whole television system if that really did happen. Who’s the doctor I am talking about? Doctor Whaz of course. He is the doctor you get when you can’t afford the rights to Doctor Who.

Doctor Whaz: There be aliens in this house, bitches!

Bitches: Oh… oh… Doctor. Oh no… Let us massage you.

Doctor Whaz: Hang on bitches, there be enough doctor lovin’ to go around.

Bitch: Can I fondle your penis?

Doctor Whaz: Now we are talkin’

Student: An alien is sucking my brain.

Doctor Whaz: Always when I’m making love! Give me my sonic bling.

Alien: Join us Doctor! Even though my plan is philosophically against everything you believe in, I will pretty much try to appeal to you in what seems like a reasonable request according to my warped sense of logic!

Doctor Whaz: Tempting but I rather drink forties with my hoes.

The sonic bling is just too much for the alien and it explodes!

Student: Thanks! What kind of doctor are you again?

Doctor Whaz: I am the doctor of love, and the doctor is in!

Student: Whaz that…

Doctor Whaz: Come on bitches! Back to the TARDIMP.

Student: The TARDIMP?

Doctor Whaz: The Time and Relative Dimension in my Pants!

The time travel noise is rather bassy and sounds strangely like a party…