Kickstarter Update 3

The saga of the leg continues. Though there is not much to report as healing takes a long time with a broken bone. Other than I read a science article about how doctors may be leaving people immobilized longer than necessary for broken bones. However, the study that was done was for ankle fractures that didn’t require surgery. Since mine was not an ankle and did get surgery, the study didn’t really pertain to me. However, that made me think about part of why I love science fiction comedy.

If I read an article about people staying in braces for too long and proceed to screw up my broken bone even worse because I didn’t really understand the science behind the study, that’s comedy! It’s the same reason one hears that a food might be the ticket to the fountain of youth one day and the cause of cancer the next. What fails to translate is the fountain of youth was a study done on mole rats, and the cancer was a chemical found in the extract of the food that screws you up when taken in 500k the normal dose.

The point is that The Robin Hood of Couches is comedy about what happens in between the lines. When you dig and poke at something further what happens next. The difference between science and science fiction is that science might not have all the answers, and it can at least admit its limitations, whereas science fiction never admits that it was wrong or made a mistake. Once something in a science fiction is reported as fact, all the characters go along with it. I wonder if Midichlorians was peer reviewed?

So, where’s that bone regeneration tricorder from Star Trek that will have me walking the next day? That’s the reality I’m going with.

In Kickstarter news, we didn’t quite make 60%. But I’m still going to give you something for free. For the next few days, my short story collection of the first things I ever published will be free on kindle (it was a challenge to myself to write and publish one short story a month for a year). I also will discount Time Burrito to 99 cents (US and UK only) 1/29/18-2/5/18. And now’s the time to pledge money to the Kickstarter if you haven’t already. Now’s the time to share with a friend. We are on the last week. You can do so here.

I thank everyone for their support.

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Where’s the Third Fucking Option?

Why wasn't he shot sooner on a base full of people trained with guns?

Crazed BM Gun Man ISO of SWM crazy chick, likes long walks on the beach, and mass murder, Be my Bonnie to my Clyde

I am finally going to weigh in on gun control. Generally speaking, I try to stay away from a topic until I have a solid opinion. When I think about the polarized options, each are absurd. Hippy wonderland can’t exist because one power hungry dude with a chain gun will end the hippy love fest.

Hippy: Guns are illegal! Time to celebrate with cheesecake!

Hippy is about to eat some cheesecake.

Dude with Chain Gun: Die hippy scum!

Hippy: But that’s illegal. You can’t do that!

Dude with Chain Gun: I make the rules now! I have the only gun. And my first rule is that I get the first bite of all dessert!

Hippy: Nooo! Why did I ban the guns!

But on the flip-side, guns really do not make the world a safer place:

Shopper is in a check out line at a grocery store.

Shopper: I have a coupon for the Cheez Whiz.

BLAM! An old lady behind him in line is shot.

Shopper: Sorry. My gun must of misfired. But it’s completely legal.

Old Lady: It’s ok dear.

BLAM! Shopper’s foot is shot off.

Shopper: Owww! Hey.

Old Lady: Sorry! Landed on my gun.

BLAM! The clerk shoots the Shopper in the stomach.

Clerk: Sorry, itchy trigger finger. Thought I was being robbed again.

Shopper: It’s your right as an American.

BLAM! Shopper is shot in the shoulder by a kid. A mother swipes the gun.

Mother: I told you not to go through daddy’s things! Sorry about that.

Shopper: It’s fine! I’ve been through worse.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A shooter kills everyone.

Shooter: A room full of guns and no one shoots me!

BLAM! The shooter dies.

Shopper: That’s why you should always carry a gun at all times, kids!

A audience full of kids cheers and shoots each other.

Shopper: Fuck…

We spend more on military than science, way more...

Why doesn’t this guy run for president? I’d vote for him.

If we can’t go to either extreme, than why not have a third option? Get rid of all lethal weapons. Before I cause a card carrying NRA member’s head to explode, hear me out. Why don’t we invest a metric shit ton (it’s European shit, American shit would be acts of congress) in development of non-lethal weaponry and eventually disarm the entire planet? We can make a missile that can fly through a building and kill one person in a cubical. But we can’t make the missile stun the same human being? We could make non-lethal weaponry with the same range and accuracy as anything we have today. Science is pretty awesome that way.

If we have a non-lethal weapon equivalent of everything on the market, then why not start using them over deadly ones? I’m not just isolating citizens, I am saying police, military, governments, and any other person who uses a weapon. There will still be people with the lethal variety out there but non-lethal will incapacitate a person just the same. I think the way to shape society is choosing the better path. We will probably never settle human conflict but what if people had to really deal with each other because killing each other wasn’t an option? What if war planes could drop bombs with a non-lethal pulse that could render an entire city unconscious instead of nuking it? Or a sniper could knock out a person 500 yards away? Or a solider could use the equivalent of a non-lethal machine gun?

Gunfire and sounds of war. A bloody and battered solider approaches his lieutenant.

Solider: There are insurgents on all sides! They are closing in!

Lieutenant: It’s cool bro.

Solider: Sir, with all due respect. Half the platoon is dead and you say, “It’s cool bro!”

Lieutenant: Yeah man. We got the a non-lethal weapon that’s the shit.

Lieutenant pulls out a giant joint the size of a Volkswagen.

Lieutenant: This is some grade A shit man…

Later… All the soldiers and insurgents are stoned.

Insurgent: Why were we fighting again?

Solider: I don’t know man… Anyone got some chips?

Imagine if lethal weapons weren’t so easy to access. The random people shooter couldn’t really go out in the “blaze of glory” if he was being shot with non-lethal rounds. A hunter could still peg a deer across the valley but they will have to slit the animal’s throat in it’s sleep after it’s hit with the non-lethal projectile (Manly men will use their teeth over a knife). And for anyone who believes we need lethal weapons to protect themselves from the government, we are pretty much screwed whether or not private citizens have guns. The government has planes, missiles, nukes, drones, and all sorts of advanced weaponry. A militia in the Texas hills really can’t compete. If the government really did want to target private citizens who possess ideological differences, then stockpiling guns won’t do anything against a drone, a smart missile, and solider sitting in his underwear thousands of miles from the strike zone. Private citizen militias are like ants stockpiling weapons to protect themselves from construction equipment. Now keep in mind, I’m not really advocating the removal of weapons because it’s impossible to get by with out them. I’m just simply expressing the need to improve the humanity in our weapons.

Except for the hardcore Harry Potter fans, he'll always be The Doctor.

Alas poor Yorick. They will remember me as The Doctor over Hamlet. Where be your gibes, your gambles. A Dalek costume… not funny!

I’m assuming emotions like revenge are one reason we don’t switch to non-lethal weapons. But if not killing a person-no matter how much they deserve it-means even one more person who didn’t deserve to die is alive, I think it’s worth not having revenge. I understand revenge but it’s like any other emotion. People can learn to control their emotions. People can learn to deny instincts and emotion because life will be better for themselves or others. Alcoholics and Addicts train themselves to control their addiction. They will deny the emotional and instinctual state that put them there. So denying revenge by non-lethal weapons maybe counterintuitive for those that want it but we all don’t get want we want.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! I want him dead now!

Father: I know he killed One Direction but a person still deserves due process of law.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! That’s not fair!

Father: If it were up to me, I’d give him a medal of honor. At least now, I won’t have to hear you play that album over and over again.

13-Year-Old Girl: Daddy! You are so stupid and mean!

Father: I’m just kidding. Come on honey!

I’m assuming the other reason why we don’t switch is money. Companies make a lot of money selling guns. It’s pretty big business when we think about the shear amount of them on the planet. So in order to really give the manufacturers incentive, the government would have to step in with subsidies and so forth to make non-lethal very profitable until the industry takes hold. We don’t even have to take away lethal weapons in the beginning. Our military and police could lead by example. Our citizens could be  given tax breaks and discounts to switch.

I think the big problem with society is that we almost never see the third option and we fear trying things another way. A mass shooting happens and gun control gets very polarized. Why not try it a different way? It’s of my personal belief that if you could arm everyone with non-lethal weapons every bit as effective as the lethal counter parts, the world will be a better place. So why not take steps to make it happen? If we really want to change, I think we need more third options.

What Would the Aliens Think?

I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.

A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.

Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.

Your all-American super dad steps out.

Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.

A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.

Later…

All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.

Hostess: Say something.

Host: What?

Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!

Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?

The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.

Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.

Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.

Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.

Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!

Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.

Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.

Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?

Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.

Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!

Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.

Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.

Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.

All: Brandon Lee!

Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.

Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.

Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.

Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!

“You Are Here” and Billions of potentially habitable stars dodged that life bullet.

I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:

Or perhaps this:

Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.

The Relativistic Effects on the Flash

Since I have been up to my ears in promoting the new album, I don’t really have anything this week so I dusted off an old Bunny Droppings entry. Enjoy!

The Flash probably has a shitty dating life because of the Relativistic Effects of a person moving at near light speeds. For those of you that think I’m talking about a metal band, I’m referring to Einstein’s Special Relativity. Einstein, (for people that woke up in this strange new century of flying beasts and talking picture boxes) is the man that invented Tivo. The Germans kicked him out the country for wasting their time while they had important world domination plans (1). Einstein then came to the US where we got his picture taken with his tongue sticking out. This picture is now a poster on the walls of college dorms across America.

In layperson’s terms, the theory of relativity states that if a person moves at near light speed, they will age normally, while the universe ages around them at an accelerated pace (2). This is called Time Dilation, named after a metal band. The Flash is able to move at incredibly fast speeds, so it’s safe to assume that he would undergo some Relativistic Effects. I’m sure this causes issues in his dating life.

Young Woman: Do me now you big hot hunk of man beef!

The Flash does her.

Flash: How was that? Baby… Baby?

The shriveled remains of an eighty year old corpse lies on the bed.

Flash: Gross.

Another factor in the Flash’s love life from moving at high speeds is Length Contraction (3). Simply put, Length Contraction is when objects that go fast get shorter, including the penis. This can cause serious doubts in his manhood. Self confidence issues can lead to all sorts of things, like clicking on penis enlarging spam emails, then fifty pop-ups later finding a hot woman that will take her cloths off for you in front of webcam for 50 dollars! But only to be sad again because the penis is to small to enjoy the webcam experience. This leads to suicide.

So now the Flash is dead! You see? Are you happy now? Let’s see what Einstein has to say about that:

“I should have become a watchmaker.” -Einstein

Now let’s stop to think about this quote…

That’s exactly what I thought too. But how will we get so much latex gloves and chicken feathers?

In conclusion, I have finished writing and will now include footnotes.

(1) They later discovered that Einstein’s ideas could be used to make weapons of mass destruction such as recording reruns of Baywatch.

(2) Example: An Emo band crying about their lost girlfriends is moving at near light speed. They are still full of teen angst when they get back while the rest of the world will have moved on. What makes it different from today is that it’s eighty years in the future.

(3) Named after a New Wave band.