Halloween and the Knights of the Round Table

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† With Halloween around the corner, you should be scared and shit. If you aren’t scared, then here is a tale to chill your boner and your bones too!

Narrator: It was a dark and stormy knight named Josh. He was the long lost cousin of Lancelot. Most people thought he was a cheese dick but there was some mild depression and sarcasm in him as well. So King Arthur came unto Josh and Lancelot and said:

Satan is word scramble for Santa!

Medieval painting titled: Bitch rollin’ up on my Bling

King Arthur: Yo! Yo! Arthur in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches in this hizzy. We need to drink from pimpin’ goblets n’ shit. You drink malt liquor from the holy grail! Ain’t no way you go home alone. Know what I mean?

Lancelot: I don’t know what you mean. I understood probably only 1/3 of what you said. You see I fight for truth, justice, the ability for old ladies to walk their dogs safely at night, children having the same educational opportunities, pancake Sundays-

Josh: Dude, he wants us to find the holy grail.

King Arthur: Yo, this dawg knows the what what.

Lancelot: I shall perform your task with honor, dignity, a head held high looking towards the rising sun to symbolize a new day…

Josh: Fuck… I hate my family.

Narrator: Meanwhile Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Edward from the Twilight series were making plans of their own in Dracula’s living room. He has one of those 3D TVs. I’m personally waiting for holodecks. You probably won’t ever see me leave. Unless they don’t have a self cleaning cycle.

Edward: Yo! Yo! Edward in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches-

The Wolf Man beheads Edward.

Dracula: We are not scary anymore.

The mummy is smoking weed.

Mummy: Bro… I want some Doritos.

Dracula: I’m serious. We used to scare the shit out of little kids. Now they sell cheap knock-offs of us at Spencer’s.

Wolf Man: You’re right. People say I look all fake especially when you compare me to those young werewolf studs. But it hurts man. Do I tell a chick with eyeliner that makes her look like she has an eye infection that she looks fake?

Mummy: If I make a joint with my wrappings, would I get even higher than a normal joint?

Dracula: We need to do something about this.

Wolf Man: We can murder children!

Dracula: That’s good but then we’d have to let Hitler over.

Hitler is knocking on the door to Dracula’s castle.

Hitler: Hello? I brought Apples to Apples! I took out the dead Jew child¬†cards so it’s fair this time.

Back in Dracula’s living room:

Mummy: Dude… bro… let’s pee in the holy grail.

Dracula: Shut up!

Wolf Man: Wait!  I think he has something.

Dracula: This is the stupidest idea-

Wolf Man: It’s brilliant. Christians get butt hurt when you make fun of their religion.

Mummy: Yeah man! They like make their kids afraid of Harry Potter and gay people and shit. They’ll make their kids afraid of us!

Dracula: Isn’t Harry Potter gay?

Wolf Man: He married a woman.

Dracula: So do plenty of people in the closet. You think he was so broken up over Cedric because Cedric was a solid competitor?

Mummy: I always thought he gave up Cho too easily…

Wolf Man: Shut up! He’s not gay. Let’s go pee in the grail.

Hi, I'm Satan. How are you enjoying the sketch so far?

Medieval painting titled: Harry Potter’s Homoerotic Dream

Narrator: So what if I’ve been drinking! Ummm… welcome back to our tale… of shit and stuff… you know I was second to play Obi Won Kenobi? But that asshole Sir Alec Guinness took the part. He didn’t even like playing Kenobi! I would have appreciated it. Instead, I play crap parts… in community theatre…

Dracula: Sorry folks… Our story continues when the knights find the grail….

Josh and Lancelot stumble in, covered in blood and muck. 

Lancelot: Traveling the four corners of the earth is a knight’s task. If you are too much of a squire, then you may…

Josh: Squire?

Lancelot: An unknightly title.

Josh: Why not pussy or bitch?

Lancelot: And heed the words of the patriarchy! I am a feminist.

Josh: You are a dude with a broadsword and armour that is covered in blood most of the time.

Lancelot: But my heart hath a feminine side. I hath feelings.

Josh: Really?

Lancelot: I’ve adopted a puppy.

Josh: To fight along-side you?

Lancelot: Mr. HowlingFluff will never see combat.

Josh: Ok… ok…

The neatly dressed Galahad walks in with the holy grail.

Lancelot: Galahad! Mighty knight of honor and value!

Josh: You found it!

Galahad: Yep.

Josh: Dude, we have being questing for years, how did you find it?

Galahad: Spencer’s.

Josh: Spencer’s. You mean we’ve been traveling¬†the globe¬†fighting bandits, evil warlords, and mythical beasts. And you fucking buy it at Spencer’s?

Galahad: Yeah bro, it’s near the pornographic greeting cards.

Lancelot: The card with the perfect man…hehe… because he’s cardboard…hoho… makes me laugh…haha… every time…haha…hehe…

Wolf Man jumps out, kills Galahad, and takes the grail! Josh and Lancelot pull out their swords.

Wolf Man: I got it!

Josh: Dude, whoa! Who are you?

Wolf Man: I am the Wolf Man.

Josh: Is that a mask? It looks fake.

Wolf Man: Hey, fuck you.

Dracula: Good! We pee in the grail now?

Lancelot: You pee in the cup of god! Have at thee!

Satan wants you to listen to Sublime or is that subliminal messages?

Medieval painting titled: Best Joint Ever

Josh: Whoa! Whoa! Wait… You are here to pee in the cup?

Wolf Man: Yeah… what’s it to you?

Josh: I think I can purpose a mutually beneficial solution…

A long stick pokes the narrator awake.

Narrator: Huh? What? So that’s how Josh became known as the cheese dick Knight. Arthur never could get the taste of urine washed from his mouth so he created a round table. That way he could sit at a different part of the table each time. Lancelot and Josh went to work for Spencer’s so they could get a discount on quest items. The¬†Wolf Man¬†married Dracula after¬†Wolfie got over his homophobia. And the mummy smoked himself.

A Historical, Transcultural, and Sacrilicious Perspective on Gluten Free

I wonder if Alice had to worry about gluten?

The genital region of this gluten free product is censored for younger audiences.

The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish. For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye.

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like make them glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages:

Do you think they used the toilet with face paint?

Do it! And let the English watch.

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallying the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from the menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.

Drive-Thru Voice: Welcome to McWontChangeTheWorldWon’tBeSuedNotDonald’s, may I take your order?

Customer: Can you ritually sacrifice a cow to the great Pazuzu for my Quarter NotPounder?

DTV: One number 3, would you like fries with that?

Customer: Can I get them fried in the same volcano used to sacrifice virgins?

DTV: One upgrade on the fries. What would you like to drink?

Customer: Could I get a water made from children’s tears?

DTV: WHAT? THAT’S SICK! You are fucked up. So fucked up.

There is more than enough Jesus to go around!

1: Do you suppose he’s gluten free? 2: Take a bite out of him and see…

Ireland is so gluten friendly that in the big cathedral of Galway, there was a gluten free communion wafer line. Now since the communion wafer is technically the Body of Christ, wouldn’t that mean that Jesus would have a gluten free diet to be gluten free?¬† What makes gluten bad for those that have a problem with it is that gluten leaks into the blood stream. So therefore, if you have a gluten free diet, your body has no gluten. Hence, in order to have a gluten free Body of Christ, Jesus must have went on a gluten free diet! Let’s take a look at the historical records that I just made up.

Judas and Jesus are in bed together, engaging in pillow talk.

Judas: I don’t like how you sleep with other guys.

Jesus: I’m not a one man sort of dude. It’s an open relationship. All twelve of you know that. Paul doesn’t seem to care.

Judas: Paul will fuck anything that moves. Besides, he really wants to get in the pants of Pontius.

Jesus: Oh man, I’d really like to fuck that.

Judas: It hurts when you say that.

Jesus: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And boy what I’d have Pontius do onto me.

Judas: Stop it, Jesus! I love you.

Jesus: Love thy fellow man…

Judas: I thought we had something!

Judas runs out in tears. Jesus is riffling though some scrolls.

Jesus: You’ll be back. Hey, who took the word penis out of all my Sermon on the Mount monologues? I’m going to have to talk with Matthew. And by talk, I mean fuck. It’s good to be the son of god with a 12 inch pianist.

12 Inch Pianist: Hello, you are probably wondering, how do I play a piano when I am only 12 inches tall? My piano is smaller to fit my hand size. You are also wondering, was Jesus really gay? Well, he did hang out with 12 dudes and he wanted them to have his body. You decide. Paul, the wild one, in the original translation of his letter to the Romans, “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural function of the icky woman, burned in their lust toward washboard abs and rippling biceps, men doing what is inappropriate with men but oh so much fun, and receiving in themselves the due of a high five.” The events here are merely a fiction based on conjecture. Back to the story, Judas isn’t a manwhore. He was secretly waiting for Jesus to settle down. Judas did what anyone with a broken heart would do. Setup his lover.

I wonder if the Romans had hazing rituals?

You gay, bro?

Pontius Pilate is bench pressing prisoners. Judas moves in to spot him.

Pontius: You are blocking my light twerp.

Judas: I can get you a date with Mary.

Pontius: You serious, bro? This isn’t one of your homo tricks?

Judas: I’m going to assume your homophobia comes from your father and ignore that.

Pontius: Too many big words!

Judas: Whoa! Calm down! I’ll hook you up with Mary.

Pontius: Ok, bro! But if this is one of your gay tricks. I’ll punch you.

Later, at the apartment of Jesus:

Jesus displays his six pack in front of a mirror.

Jesus (singing): I’m too sexy for my robe! Too sexy for my carpenter stick. So sexy it hurts.

Judas: I got you a date with Pontius!

Jesus: I thought you were jealous of the open relationship.

Judas: Turn the other cheek.

Jesus: I’ll tell you what I’d do with those cheeks.

Jesus slaps Judas’ ass. A laugh track goes off.

Jesus: We really have to get that fixed.

Judas: It’s kind of annoying.

Laugh track.

Jesus: Testicles.

Laugh track. Jesus giggles.

Judas: Do you think about anything else?

Jesus: I was born with infinite love! What do you expect?

Later that night:

Jesus is lying in a four post bed. Judas draws the curtains hiding Jesus inside.

Judas: Remember. Don’t say anything. Let Pontius be in control. He likes that.

Pontius: Scram twerp.

Judas exits. Pontius climbs into bed.

Hah! The painting is called Ecce Homo!

The fact that Pontius liked it only proves that his homophobic tendencies were a result of repressed desires.

Days later:

Jesus is on a crucifix. Judas cries at his feet.

Judas: Oh lord! Please forgive me!

Jesus: Hey Judas, Look at my abs! Don’t they look good! I did the South Beach diet in prep for the crucifixion.

Judas: You dieted for a crucifixion?

Jesus: I’m going with the top down for the next three days. I want to look good.

Judas: Jesus Christ! I think I just invented a new swear word.

Jesus: I also tried gluten free. I heard it helps with bloating. It also could have been this ab blaster routine.

12 Inch Pianist: And there you have it. Evidence that Jesus may have been gluten free. While many scholars debate the actual events of his life, all pretty much agree that he was very health conscience. Why do you think all the crosses feature a ripped and buff Jesus? Well, anything looks ripped and buff when you are my size. And did you know that my penis is actually 12 inches. When I bounce on it, I look like the letter T.