In Space, No One Will Hear Barbie Scream

We have reached a new age of space exploration. Barbie is now a Mars explorer. The toy manufacturer, Mattel, claims that the Mars exploring Barbie will encourage girls to be a profession normally dominated by men. Back in the olden days (a couple of years ago), women had very limited career options.

Man: Woman! You will bare my seed, raise my children, clean my house, and bring me my mead!

Woman: Great, thank you for coming to the interview. Let’s start with a few questions.

Man: Woman! You shall please me on my demand.

Woman: Let’s get through the interview first. Alright, so let’s start with your background.

Man: I am conqueror of the seven kingdoms, slayer of the serpent, fighter of the bull, and tamer of the lion!

Woman: Good. So what would you say is your biggest strength?

Man: I have a 12-inch sword.

The ancient art of penis size...

The position of this horse is not an accident. Think of it as a to scale representation…

Woman: Isn’t that small for a sword?

Man: It’s not the size of the sword but how you handle it. For example, my penis is only 2 inches.

Woman: Really?  But…

Man: Why do you think I’ve conquered so much! It’s the like the guy with the flashy car. We overcompensate for-

Woman: Well, it was a good interview. We’ll call you.

Man: But I demand to take you as my wife.

Woman: I have tons of other interviews…

Man: But…

Woman: Chan Tan the Mongol Warrior Lord.

Chan Tan: Yo!

Woman: Next.

Man: But I…

Chan Tan pulls out his penis.

Man: Nevermind.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

I’m all for woman having all the same career opportunities, pay rate, education, etc. But I don’t know if Barbie is exactly the best way to convey the message to girls. We attach this image of beauty to a career that isn’t exactly pretty. The body of Barbie dolls are unrealistic. I don’t think anorexic astronauts would be very effective on Mars. The logistics of vomiting while in a space suit is pragmatic at best. But the real danger is when the anorexic Barbie feints on the mission.

Barbie: I’m the only one that survived bitches! Because I passed out, my oxygen supply lasted longer! And now that all the crew are dead, the food stores will last longer. Not that I eat. Eating is for suckers.

Barbie passes out again.

In addition to the unrealistic body type, why the hell would they have make-up on a mission to Mars? Are we really that shallow and vain that we’d waste valuable cargo that will cost millions of dollars to transport make-up to Mars? I’d rather have more medical supplies in a trip to Mars than make-up.

Barbie: I can’t explore a desolate rocky planet without my make-up! What if somebody sees me on a desolate planet… full of rocks… lots of rocks… so many rocks… It takes me three hours to get ready! Three fucking hours! One of you rocks could at least appreciate my effort.

My last gripe is the suit. It looks like it lacks insulation. The stuff that prevents you from freezing to death seems like a pretty important part of a space suit…. and that’s why in space no one will hear Barbie scream. And also why badass women star in Science Fiction.

The Queen Alien hisses at Barbie.

Barbie: Ewww…. you’re drooling alien goop on my space suit! They really need to fix this thing. I keep breaking nails. Unacceptable.

The Queen Alien decides it’s not worth the effort.

Barbie: You know what would be awesome! Glitter on the space suit! Maybe diamond studs.

Irritated, the Queen Alien snaps Barbie in half. Split-in-half Bishop consoles Barbie.

Bishop: You’re ok for a human.

Barbie: Ugg… you got my space suit all dirty. I have a hot date tonight! My daddy will hear about this.

Bishop ends her.

Where is Ken during this? He was grounded for PTSD:

Stumpy

Don’t make fun of the stump. My dick was shot off during the war!

Announcer: Hey kids! Here is PTSD Ken! He self medicates with pills, alcohol, and Skipper. When he finally decides it’s over, you can blow his head off. Don’t let him near the constant nagging ghetto momma Barbie or he just may just take more than his own life. Normally, medical marijuana would pacify any homicidal rage but he’s from Kentucky.

Kids: Yay!

Another Kid: He reminds me of my dad!

Kids get sad.

Kids: Why you got to spoil the fun?

What Would the Aliens Think?

I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.

A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.

Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.

Your all-American super dad steps out.

Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.

A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.

Later…

All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.

Hostess: Say something.

Host: What?

Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!

Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?

The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.

Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.

Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.

Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.

Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!

Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.

Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.

Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?

Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.

Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!

Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.

Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.

Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.

All: Brandon Lee!

Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.

Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.

Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.

Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!

“You Are Here” and Billions of potentially habitable stars dodged that life bullet.

I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:

Or perhaps this:

Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.

The Romulan Senate Gives You A Sad Face

I read an article about a cloaked alien ship near Mercury. The conspirator thinks that an ejection from the sun revealed the cloaked ship. The scientist says that it’s a data processing glitch. I say that it’s Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz. My explanation is of course the most plausible and if you don’t believe me or even to attempt to disprove me, I’ll accuse you of spreading disinformation. I’ll let the video speak for itself:

Didn’t that look exactly like Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz?

I think this Mercurial UFO is quintessential of good conspiracies. The official explanation of “artifacts in data processing” is the kind of explanation that has the UFOlogists saying, “You can do better than that. You are not even trying to cover it up!” And thus we come to fatal flaw of conspiracy theory. Any explanation, aside from Romulan Senate spying on pre-federation Earth, is considered a cover-up.

I don’t find it hard to believe in aliens. It’s a big universe that’s about 13 billion years out. Conversely, humans went from tribes to spaceflight in a couple thousand. Another species of intelligent beings possessing a “warp drive” technology really isn’t that far fetched. I read an article about figuring out how to slow the ship down safely is the key making it an reality. I figure a species with a million years head start probably had enough time to figure out quick transit between vast interstellar distances.

Whether or not they have visited Earth or are more specifically hiding behind Mercury is where I remain skeptical. Let’s go back to the it’s a big universe concept. There is a chance that humans may be completely unremarkable. What if aliens visited the planet today, and wrote “Pre-warp bipedal species” or “Mostly Harmless” (to quote Douglas Adams) in their catalog before moving on. All the other aliens may see this entry and spend their time elsewhere in the galaxy.

Awoo! Ufo’s Over London!

The wily online is at it again. This time there are UFO’s over London! I believe in alien life in the universe. The possibility of aliens visiting earth doesn’t seem entirely wackadoodle. However, this recent UFO extravaganza has a certain “Blair Witch” feel to it. Speaking of “witch”, where is Josh? Josh? JOSH? Where is he? He has the MAP!

Two hours later:

Girl: Josh? JOSH? Where is he?

Guy: I don’t know. Doesn’t this feel like it’s taking too long? Do you think we should do something different?

Girl: You mean Josh being missing isn’t scary anymore?

Guy: Not really.

Girl: Well, I’m out of ideas.

For those of you that were lost on that reference. I’m referring to the 1999 movie spectacle The Blair Witch Project. This movie was preceded with television specials and leaked footage designed to make you think the events in the movie really happened. They used the radio broadcast “War of the Worlds” marketing tactic. If people believe that the event was real, the hype will spread on it’s own. The hype was so big that people flocked to see this movie which was essentially a group of teenagers lost in the woods, with “something mysterious” doing spooky “things”.

On a side note, while l was leaving the theater from this movie, I overheard the best after the movie comment ever made. An old lady with a bitter and raspy voice said and I quote, “This movie would have been better in Texas.”

Let’s take a moment to really think about that comment. My brother used to live in Houston. I live in Albuquerque. The 16 hour journey from the two cities was a regular occurrence in my life. I’ve went through Amarillo, Lubbock, Fort Stockton, Dallas, San Antonio, and just about any route through the massive state of Texas during various trips. I can assure you that most of the state is dessert, plains, hills, and terrain where you can see vast distances on the horizon. Maybe The Blair Witch Project would have been better in Texas.

Girl: Josh? JOSH!

Guy: Look! He is there on the horizon!

Girl: Oh good! He has the map.

Guy: Nevermind. Blair Witch got him.

Girl: I guess we better not go that way. Look, I can see the city in the distance.

Guy: Let’s go that way.

Roll credits.

To cut the old lady a break, maybe she was from Houston, where the surrounding country side is forest, on a flat plain, where one could climb the highest tree and see for miles…

UFO’s? London? What does this have to do with an old lady in Texas? Nothing really. I just get sidetracked easily. Oooh! A red dot is on the ground. Haha! Hehe! Wheee! Ahhh! It’s hiding in the vent now. Maybe if I wait long enough, it will come back.

The UFO’s over London is a set of videos released on the internet that shows footage of alien crafts flying over the BBC building (yes, the building with access to special effects technology irony is not lost on me). The footage has a eerie “real” factor in the sense that there are several videos from different angles capturing the same event. Before I comment, I will show you the strongest video of the few:

While it looks very real to someone like me with no video effect expertise, the fact remains that only the people making the videos saw these UFO’s. In fact, I even went to the BBC’s website and couldn’t find a news article about this event on the day it happened. The fact remains that the only news is about the videos themselves and not anything at all about the event.

London is a pretty big city. OK a fucking huge city. UFO’s dancing in broad daylight would probably produce more eyewitnesses and amateur video than the current “evidence” at hand. Who doesn’t have a video camera on their phone? Why didn’t people call the BBC asking if they knew what was happening? And why didn’t the BBC tell all their employees to point a camera out the window when the calls started rolling in? Where are all the eye witnesses? Not just people in the video but the millions of people that live in the city?

One could of course object and say that people without an open mind would not see the UFO anyway. I say please find me this person without an open mind. Even the Catholic Church believes in the possibility of alien life, and those guys took a little convincing about the roundness of our planet. Most of us Earthlings, have seen Science Fiction movies and are already sort of “primed” to understand the concept of a spaceship. Should a spaceship appear over a major urban center. You bet there would be slews of video.

I have to say this is The Blair Witch II: Electric Boogaloo and a carefully designed marketing ploy to make a forth coming movie seem real. However, the scope of the design is mis-focused. The Blair Witch used on a small town with a small group of people. It’s easy to believe tales about remote areas because there wouldn’t be a lot witnesses. It’s easy to control the information. London is a different story.

Ultimately if an alien presence wanted to make itself known to human kind, a large city like London would be great place to do it. There is no possible way to refute the evidence. However, a redneck with a moonshine still in the backwoods makes a great target to study if you don’t want to be known (I imagine alien tour companies offering redneck abduction packages). So have aliens visited earth? I don’t know. Did they visit London June, 2011? Probably not. Though I’d love see aliens in schleppy Union Jack t-shirts with tacky Big Ben trinkets.