8 Surefire Ways to Motivate Your Employees

Q - Albuquerque's Sci-Fi Name

Have you ever thought a dickhead boss was just Q fucking with you?

1. Implied Threats – Nothing gets them to work faster than veiled threats of disciplinary action. Here is a role play:

Employee: Boy howdy, I sure do love this Angry Birds.

Manager: It’d be a shame if someone’s house were burnt down because there were no complete spreadsheets.

Employee: You got it boss! I sure do love my record collection more than Angry Birds. It’d be a shame if they melted in the fire.

Manager: That’s right. And it doesn’t matter to me if your family is inside the house.

Employee: Jeepers, I had no idea my boss was such a wacko.

Manager: Only to dead beat layabouts.

Employee: You don’t have to worry about me. I am doing those spreadsheets right now.

Manager: Great, I’ll put the home made napalm away.

2. Give unachievable goals or deadlines – Staff work harder when they have a task they can never do. If they can only manufacture twenty items in a day, tell them the minimum is forty. Workers strive for excellence when you overwork them and they push even harder when you underpay them because now they have a goal to reach. Role play:

Manager: I would like all 5,000 pages due tomorrow.

Employee: Jeepers! I can only do 1 page an hour!

Manager: The only person holding yourself back is you.

Employee: I better get started! I really need to get a salary increase somehow.

Manager: Don’t count on it. But if deluding yourself helps….

Employee: It sure does! I’ve often wondered what I would do with all the money, sex, and power.

Manager: Not all of us are cut out for upper management kid.

3. Micromanagement- Your workforce is sort of a misnomer. Employees want to do anything but work. How do you think YouTube became so popular? The only real way to ensure that people work is standing over their shoulder.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No!

Manager: Umbers! You missed a capital letter! Busted!

When Picard smiles... you're in trouble

Even Picard had to deal with some dickhead admirals.

4. Not Following Up – Employees work twice as hard when they work their ass off for something and you pretend like you didn’t notice. It’s like that annoying kid who followed you around in high school. He did all this stuff to get your attention, wore your same clothes, hats, he even bought a guitar when you did. You did your best to ignore him but he only tried harder. It works with employees too.

Employee: So about that 5,000 page spreadsheet I did for you the other day… Did you have a chance to look at it?

Manager: Don’t you knock? I was sexting with this hot girl I met on the internet.

Employee: Are sure it’s a girl?

Manager: That’s half the fun! It could be an 80-year-old man, my wife, or even my own daughter!

Employee: You’re sick.

Manager: You don’t rise through the ranks of a genetically modified food company that pressures small farmers out of business for nothing.

5. Public criticism – One of the best ways to really get the best work out your employee is humiliation. They work twice as hard when they know people will laugh at them. Feel free to add ethnic jokes because it will really get your audience rolling on the floor.

Manager: Look at this spreadsheet! My third-grader can do better math than this. Some asshole turned this piece of shit in and expected me to accept it? Congratulations that asshole is you.

All the other employees laugh.

Employee: I tried my best.

Manager: Well your  best isn’t good enough. I wanted 5,000 pages. Not a turd gift basket. I thought you Germans were good at math!

All the other employees laugh harder.

Employee: My grandfather was German.

Manager: I guess your grandfather must have hit his head when he fell out of the guard tower!

All the other employees laugh even harder.

Another Employee One: That’s funny because he’s calling his grandfather a Nazi.

Another Employee Two: Shut up Ted.

Manager: Go cry to your momma boy! I will end you!

Employee: I really learned that I should try harder. After all, I was only victimized because I set myself up to be a victim. If I worked harder on that 5,000 page spreadsheet, I would not have been publicly humiliated. Victims are really the ones responsible.

Manager: That’s right. Suck it bitch!

6. Not explaining your actions or sharing company data – A good way to keep employees on the right path is by not sharing information. Employees really respond to not knowing how they fit in the bigger picture. You also don’t want them asking questions.

Employee: So boss, can I see some of the accounting data so I can make my spreadsheet better?

Manager: No.

Employee: But I noticed part of the budget problem was due to a million dollar error in…

Manager: You are asking too many questions. If I want to embezzle one million a year for hookers and blow, than that’s my choice. You are really invading my privacy when you ask for company records.

Employee: Jeepers boss, I didn’t know you could charge hookers and blow to your expense account.

Manager: It’s part of the Per Diem. I’ve got to attract new clients somehow. Don’t you watch Madmen?

7. Not honoring creative thinking and problem solving – Underlings will always tell you how to do your job. Don’t let them. You are the boss. You have way more experience than your employees. Try to lord that over them. Make sure you present their ideas as your own. They’ll appreciate helping out someone they deeply respect like you.

Employee: Boss! Boss! I figured out how to make your hookers and blow money look like a company expense. If we over budget the cost of everything, the excess is not only one but two million dollars!

Manager: You snot nosed punk. Don’t tell me how to run this! It will never work. Fuck off.

Next board meeting:

Manager: Gentlemen, I have the answer you’ve been looking for! I’ve figured out how to double our hooker and blow budget and expense it to the company!

The spell checker wants to change dickhead to Dickens.

Picard knows what to do with the dickeads.

8. Failing to provide praise – Once again, remember how ignoring people only makes them like you better. People will really look for your attention if you pretend they don’t exist. It seems to work for teenage boys and girls.

Close up on manager’s face.

Manager: The board was so pleased with my idea, they tripled my salary!

Zoom out to reveal manager tied to a chair. Employee is wild eyed and sharpening a large knife.

Employee: Your idea? Your IDEA?

Teenage Boy: This is stupid. I hate going to these stupid trainings. Who are you?

Teenage Girl: I’m your girlfriend.

Teenage Boy: So your that chick I see when I’m bored.

Teenage Girl: I know beneath your rugged exterior you’ll change, so I keep punishing myself with an asshole like you.

Manager: High-five buddy! You totally can do her whenever you want!

Teenage Boy: Yeah, bro! It’s awesome.

Teenage Girl: Can I borrow your knife?

Employee: I’ll tie him down.

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Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Take my body for it is rock!

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me.   For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity!  Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and  my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Klingon and hair metal?

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups  who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

Ideas That Won’t Change the Clothing Industry

Does fiction mimic reality? Or does reality mimic fiction? The lines are increasingly blurred in what I like to call the fantasy driven reality. My wife and I recently watched an episode of the The Next Generation where Moriarty tricks Picard into believing a holodeck simulation is real. For those of you whom avoid literature like it’s about to set you on fire, Moriarty is the fictional villain from the Sherlock Holmes series. For those of you that avoid Star Trek… deal with it. It’s a good show. In the episode, a fiction creates a reality out of a fiction and to solve the problem Picard creates a reality out of the fiction. Or did he create fiction from the reality? Or maybe… help, my brain is on fire!

The mind bending plot twist that reality may not be reality is nothing new to the science fiction realm. Plenty of films address the concept, more notably Sleepy Hollow High where she wakes up and it’s all a dream! (The pure imagination to construct a plot entirely in a dreamworld… is not what this director possessed). However, what about fiction creating the reality? I find that to be a much more common phenomenon. For example, Nike is about to release the shoe from Back to the Future II. Think out about it for a moment.

Aaron stands up from his computer and takes a pee.

Done thinking? Great! Back to the Future II painted a vision of the world in 2015 which includes a pair of futuristic shoes. Those shoes are now a reality. The fictional world shapes our reality. Invent a tricorder and you could will $10 million dollars. Even Jules Verne predicted that submarines would be yellow and full of giant mushrooms at the center of the Earth with a Jerry Garcia Head swelling up like a big balloon flying around the world in roughly forty two point three days. Or was that another part of my youth?

Either way, science fiction becomes science fact. Why don’t any of the really neat ideas become science fact? The shoes from Back to the Future II are fun but if there is one technology that I wanted as a kid from that movie, it’s the hover board. I didn’t even skate as a kid and the hover board was the coolest thing I ever saw! No one watched that movie and said, “The hover board is nice, but those shoes are the coolest thing ever made. I WANT THEM!” Think about it.

Aaron microwaves a bowl of popcorn.

Crunch. Crunch. The tricorder will really help the medical community. But where is the $10 million prize for the holodeck, the transporter, or the replicator? The holodeck’s benefit to humanity is obvious in the one flaw of the The Next Generation. The crew always implied that Wesley Crusher, a 15 year old boy, used the holodeck to study. He wasn’t studying in there. I’m surprised he ever left! The tricorder seems handy but a replicator is world changing. Imagine never having to hunt down card board cut outs of the cast of Twilight. You can simply replicate them. I’ll leave you to think about what do with the cast of Twilight.

Aaron goes to bed.

You messed up Taylor Lautner’s hair! Fiction, science and otherwise, fuses into our reality but takes a life of its own. Imagine wearing Back to the Future II shoes, a Harry Potter robe, Frodo’s Mithril, Jack Sparrow’s pants, a Star Fleet com badge, Han Solo’s blaster, a psychic paper wallet,  and we can’t forget a pair of Terminator sunglasses. Convention nerds wouldn’t know whether to beat you up or worship you. Making a fiction your real life is very possible.

But why do the rather silly parts of fiction become reality? A moral code such as the Prime Directive (don’t fuck with people unless they fuck with you), seems like a much neater idea to adopt than a com badge that blips when you press it. As much as these fictional objects are neat to look at. They are simply there for display.

I’d like to think that fiction teaches us lessons without having to live the event ourselves (as much as I love watching post apocalypse movies, an actual apocalypse and post life would kind of suck). Why not take these lessons learned from fiction and incorporate them into reality? Honestly, I can live without the Back to the Future II shoe. However, I can’t live without ideas that actually will change the world.