My Biggest Loser Moment (Without Cake)

Future Owner of Ameria

Then you take Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Squeeze them like this. I’ll use real testicles after I made my billions.

I recently read an article about a 15-year-old girl inventing a flashlight powered by the heat from your body. Back when I was 15, I was more worried about finding a hit of acid or if this really cute girl who was way out of my league liked me. Of course looking back at those years, I know that the girl really didn’t know that I existed but with the acid, I didn’t really care that she didn’t know that I existed because walking up a three foot hill in the desert was a mind blowing mystical experience. It’s like an epic journey with Frodo up mount doom man.

I’m pretty well aware of the reasons why I didn’t get the ladies in high school so shut up. But suffice to say, I feel like my high school time was pretty much wasted and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Inventing a flashlight is going to make this girl millions or at the very least land a super sweet research job or scholarship money. I don’t think my trek up the hill in the desert behind my house while baked on acid would have done the same thing for me (though it may certainly made me feel like I was).

The phrase, “being young is wasted on the youth” is more or less the problem with the educational system. I was extremely lucky to be in high school when Yahoo was a collection of some dude’s favorite places. This was before eBay and just about every major web platform. Instead of encouraging us to generate new ideas, my educational system really inspired me to see the futility in it all. The school didn’t care, they cared more about getting you to not shoot-up in class than provide education and more importantly provide planning skills for the future. And since the public education system didn’t care, I didn’t either.

Just send her to troubled high schools

My face is every pharmacy in America! What have you done?

I completely subscribed to the apathy that stifled my generation. I subscribed to it so much that I sort of half-assed my way through college when I came to my biggest loser moment. And no it wasn’t because I was eating gobs of cake while Jillian yelled in my ear. I was actually working one hour photo, sort of in-between a degree in theatre and a life of minimum wage hell. The smartest person I knew in high school came to get some photographs and she recognized me.

“Aaron? Is that you?” She said a statement that if one girl said to me in high school I probably would have jizzed in my pants but in loser college days made me actually have to think. I wasn’t quite sure who it was yet.

I was working in a job were it was customary not to think so I delayed with the “Hi. How are you?” generic response.

“Good!” She said.

“What have you been up to?” I said trying to tease out more information so I could think of her name.

“I’m just graduating from MIT. I own my own business but I’m thinking about going back to get another Masters.” She said. It was enough for me to remember her name and that she was the smartest person I knew in high school. It was also enough to make me realize the amount of nothing I’ve done with myself. That’s also when I realized the apathy was bullshit. I wasn’t achieving my goals because I didn’t strive for them. She had the same educational foundations as me. Sure, the school didn’t help but I didn’t help myself. I’m not saying that schools shouldn’t help because if they did, more people would plan for the future and succeed. But I should share some accountability for success as well.

That’s when I went into business for myself, making super zombies. My zombies were way better because they were imbued with intelligence (which for a zombie is slightly upbove your average Jersey Shore person). Unfortunately, the world domination plan fell through because now the zombies are all addicted to Dancing with the Stars and other reality TV. So I’m back to being a loser and writing blogs.

10 Ways to Spend the Time While on Hold

What's his other hand doing?

“Thank you for calling sex-aholics anonymous. May I have your name, number, and the time you get off work please?”

Waiting on hold sucks. Here are some ways to have it suck less:

1. Plan World Domination – Most people think, “I’d love to rule the world, but when will I have the time?” If you are waiting on hold, you can easily make the time, and you will have no moral objection to the slaughter of innocents after enough hold music.

2. Clean Your Desk – Most desks are organized in the black hole method of piling stacks of paper anywhere they fit. You can use that hold time to genetically  engineer bacteria that feed on paper, thus leaving your work area squeaky  clean. You can also make paper hats for annoying co-workers in hopes the flesh eating bacteria will mutate the moment they put on the hat.

3. Give a Shit About the Environment – Most people don’t really have time for the ocean because we live on land. Who cares about plastic build up in the ocean? When the algae that produces most of the oxygen we breath die, we can always wear space suits. And space suits are badass. Who wouldn’t want to wear space suits? This one should actually be Space Suits Are Awesome.

4. Talk to the Voices You Hear During Hold Music –

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: No I didn’t!

Voice: With our home buyer’s plus plan…

Several cycles later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I love you too!


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I think our relationship is getting stale. We always have the same conversation.


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Don’t bring your father into this!


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Can we at least be fuck buddies?


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I’m so lonely…

5. Read a Book – When I was at jury duty, I saw bored people staring into space waiting for the boredom to end. Books filled those hours for me. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t selected to be on a jury when I was reading the Anarchist’s Cookbook.

6. Masturbate – Bonus if the person picks up mid-jack. Chicks really like random men who make sexual noises over the phone. And by chicks, I mean no one. Whereas if you are a chick making sexual noises, you’d probably have an attentive audience.

7.  Poop – There are plenty of things we do in a day that’s just a time sink. Why not combine them?

8.  Write a Blog Post –  HAH! I made a meta-joke!

9. Help Organize Your Community – Making a meth-lab profitable is hard today. You used to be able to buy over-the-counter drugs used as ingredients in Meth in mass quantities without showing your ID.  Now you need to wrangle all the local meth addicts to buy the product. You can help by creating a spreadsheet with a schedule.

10. Write Your Own Hold Music – That will show them…