My wife recently had a birthday and on the day Google made a Google graphic just for her (my computer had the regular Google site). When you click on it, the graphic went to her Google Plus profile. It was cute and made me realize that there are certain Google graphics you’ll never see:
1. August 6 – You are unlikely to see a cutesie image of an atom bomb incinerating the first few letters, melting the green off the “L” and deforming the “e”. The bombing of Hiroshima only warms hearts by baking them from the inside out.
2. October 4 – Imagine little nazi Google letters marching while the “e” watches in disgust. The planned neo-nazi march in the Jewish community of Skokie, Illinois may make Mel Gibson happy but the rest of America may have reaction similar to the “e”.
3. September 11 – You probably won’t see the two “o’s” towering above the other letters with two planes flying towards them.
4. April 14 – The “l” with a top hat and the wacky “G” dressed as John Wilkes Booth pulling out a comically large gun. The Theatre won’t be the only thing dying in America.
5. December 21 – All the letters running in terror as the Mayan apocalypse reigns destruction and terror on us all. You won’t see this one less due to insensitivity and more to the fact that it didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have sold that house.
6. March 24 – The “G” crashes into the “o’s” and all the little bird “l’s”, and seal “e’s” are covered with gushing oil. The drunk Exxon Valdez Capitan stumbles out as a small “g” vomiting on the birds and seals.
7. June 6 – The Google letters landing on the beaches of Normandy. And in a Saving Private Ryan style bloodbath, all the letters getting gunned down. The letters will scream for their moms while holding their guts and you stop their screams by clicking over to “fun” D-Day facts.
8. February 21 – The “o’s” form a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun and the “l” guns down the “G” turning into an “X”. The small “g” turns into Spike Lee’s hat. He makes a movie about the incident. The white “e” complains about not having a “white history month.” The “X” dies replying, “every month is white history month.”
9. May 6 – The lumbering giant “G” crashes into the other letters-setting them on fire. Led Zeppelin makes an album cover.
10. November 30 – The “e” falls from the sky and clunks the “G” on the head. Blood gushes and the “G” collapses. Most people may not know that the first documented case of a meteor striking a person happened November 30, 1952. What better way to inform the public than with hilarious violent animation!
11. January 6 – The “o’s” turn into the Zia symbol on the New Mexico State flag. The big “G” for federal government declares New Mexico a state. So quit welcoming me to the damn country.
12. July 9 – The two “o’s” circle each other with boxing gloves. One of the “o’s” bites off the other’s ear. The ear-biting “o” is very sad as it’s banned from boxing. It walks off to sad music and a good idea for an ear fast food chain.