In Space, No One Will Hear Barbie Scream

We have reached a new age of space exploration. Barbie is now a Mars explorer. The toy manufacturer, Mattel, claims that the Mars exploring Barbie will encourage girls to be a profession normally dominated by men. Back in the olden days (a couple of years ago), women had very limited career options.

Man: Woman! You will bare my seed, raise my children, clean my house, and bring me my mead!

Woman: Great, thank you for coming to the interview. Let’s start with a few questions.

Man: Woman! You shall please me on my demand.

Woman: Let’s get through the interview first. Alright, so let’s start with your background.

Man: I am conqueror of the seven kingdoms, slayer of the serpent, fighter of the bull, and tamer of the lion!

Woman: Good. So what would you say is your biggest strength?

Man: I have a 12-inch sword.

The ancient art of penis size...

The position of this horse is not an accident. Think of it as a to scale representation…

Woman: Isn’t that small for a sword?

Man: It’s not the size of the sword but how you handle it. For example, my penis is only 2 inches.

Woman: Really?  But…

Man: Why do you think I’ve conquered so much! It’s the like the guy with the flashy car. We overcompensate for-

Woman: Well, it was a good interview. We’ll call you.

Man: But I demand to take you as my wife.

Woman: I have tons of other interviews…

Man: But…

Woman: Chan Tan the Mongol Warrior Lord.

Chan Tan: Yo!

Woman: Next.

Man: But I…

Chan Tan pulls out his penis.

Man: Nevermind.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

I’m all for woman having all the same career opportunities, pay rate, education, etc. But I don’t know if Barbie is exactly the best way to convey the message to girls. We attach this image of beauty to a career that isn’t exactly pretty. The body of Barbie dolls are unrealistic. I don’t think anorexic astronauts would be very effective on Mars. The logistics of vomiting while in a space suit is pragmatic at best. But the real danger is when the anorexic Barbie feints on the mission.

Barbie: I’m the only one that survived bitches! Because I passed out, my oxygen supply lasted longer! And now that all the crew are dead, the food stores will last longer. Not that I eat. Eating is for suckers.

Barbie passes out again.

In addition to the unrealistic body type, why the hell would they have make-up on a mission to Mars? Are we really that shallow and vain that we’d waste valuable cargo that will cost millions of dollars to transport make-up to Mars? I’d rather have more medical supplies in a trip to Mars than make-up.

Barbie: I can’t explore a desolate rocky planet without my make-up! What if somebody sees me on a desolate planet… full of rocks… lots of rocks… so many rocks… It takes me three hours to get ready! Three fucking hours! One of you rocks could at least appreciate my effort.

My last gripe is the suit. It looks like it lacks insulation. The stuff that prevents you from freezing to death seems like a pretty important part of a space suit…. and that’s why in space no one will hear Barbie scream. And also why badass women star in Science Fiction.

The Queen Alien hisses at Barbie.

Barbie: Ewww…. you’re drooling alien goop on my space suit! They really need to fix this thing. I keep breaking nails. Unacceptable.

The Queen Alien decides it’s not worth the effort.

Barbie: You know what would be awesome! Glitter on the space suit! Maybe diamond studs.

Irritated, the Queen Alien snaps Barbie in half. Split-in-half Bishop consoles Barbie.

Bishop: You’re ok for a human.

Barbie: Ugg… you got my space suit all dirty. I have a hot date tonight! My daddy will hear about this.

Bishop ends her.

Where is Ken during this? He was grounded for PTSD:

Stumpy

Don’t make fun of the stump. My dick was shot off during the war!

Announcer: Hey kids! Here is PTSD Ken! He self medicates with pills, alcohol, and Skipper. When he finally decides it’s over, you can blow his head off. Don’t let him near the constant nagging ghetto momma Barbie or he just may just take more than his own life. Normally, medical marijuana would pacify any homicidal rage but he’s from Kentucky.

Kids: Yay!

Another Kid: He reminds me of my dad!

Kids get sad.

Kids: Why you got to spoil the fun?

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15 Facebook Buttons You Won’t See Soon

FACE! Book?

For a tool designed to simplify people’s lives, it seems to complicate it.

Facebook really needs a more realistic approach to their design. Each time they reinvent the interface, they always miss out on a chance to really have it more fully compatible for people’s lives. Here are a few buttons Facebook lacks for a truly more pragmatic social experience:

1. Having an Affair With – You have the married and in a relationship buttons but lack the affair button. I don’t think Facebook adequately represents some people’s social lives without one!

2. Also Married To – Polygamist relationships can be really rocky when they have to choose just one wife for Facebook. There is enough jealousy without picking one to represent the marriage.

3. Meh – Why is it always in terms of like and dislike? Why not ambivalence? Wouldn’t you want a button to express your extreme disinterest into your peers day to day thoughts and activities.

4. Masterbating – Facebook encourages chatting by telling all your friends when you are online. But what if you are just cruising Facebook for masturbatory purposes? You really need a button to let all your friends know that you aren’t looking at your best friends hot cousin’s photo because you wanted to know how she spent her summer vacation.

5. Jailbait – Your best friend needs a way to politely remind you about the age of their hot cousin.

6. Drunk – Streams of depressing rants, embarrassing photos, and anything you need to disappear can go into a spam like folder and spare you and your friends the embarrassment of dealing with it.

7. Polite A.I. Response – Ever caught in an online conversation with someone who rarely seems to have a point, has plenty to say, and never understands that polite one or two word responses really mean, “I’d rather light fire to my eyeballs than continue this conversation.” Polite A.I. Response Button will save you the Lasik surgery.

8. Behavior Tags – Facebook seems to lack tags like asshole or leech. Why tag a photo with someone’s name when you can identify them with behavior everyone will recognize?

9. Blur Face – Once you join witness protection, your social networking days are over. Any mafia hit man can just cruise Facebook and find your face. Unless you blur it. Also helpful for parties you’d rather forget.

10. Ass Shove – For every poke, farm request, and help me make Zynga rich request, you have one convenient button to tell them where to shove it.

11.  Profile Picture Changer – Why go to all the trouble to think for yourself when you can just follow the crowd? When a social cause propagates through Facebook, why not just have Facebook use the most popular profile pic among your friends as your own? It will be even funnier if we all change our profile picture to monkey asses after the Picture Changer goes live.

12. Stupid – This button really has too many uses to mention but wouldn’t it be great if you could warn your friends when they post drunken party pictures the night before their DWI trial?

13. Idiot – Most idiots are completely unaware that crap like, “She should have been wearing a longer skirt” or “Gays really need to make a different lifestyle choice” are simply just crap. So the idiot button would change whatever they post to “blah blah blah blah” or fart noises if there is audio. It will let those looking for an intelligent discussion have a chance to ignore the bullshit.

14. Validate Me – Some friends seek approval for their existence by irritating friends with all the drama they could probably avoid if they stop seeking it out. The Validate Me button will cut the engagement time required for validating their existence.

15. Vomited in My Mouth – I think everyone could use a “I just vomited in my mouth” button every once in a while.