The Case for Invading Jamaica

The government seems to be really concerned with this budget thing. The solution to all the US money troubles is really easy. We can invade a small country with a wealthy resource. Right now, the US military is pretty much the best in the whole world. We can take out a terrorist leader reading a book to an elementary school class and not harm the kids.

Osama Bin Laden: Akbar Goes to Broadway by Osama Bin Me. Akbar decided to visit New York and discovered it was full of, you might want to close your ears if you are squeamish, Americans! The Americans seemed to be everywhere. Except in the musical Annie, Akbar loved the musical Annie so it was probably a Canadian musical. Akbar needed get rid of all the Americans and get the cast of Annie safely back to Canada. Akbar decided to talk to his ex-KGB assassin buddy living in exile about a neutron bomb.

Teacher: Excuse me children… Mr. Bin Laden. There is a Mr. H.E. Drone here to see you.

Osama Bin Laden: Oh no, not that guy! He’s boring.

H.E. Drone: Whhhaaaaaatttt ddddooooo yyoooouuuu meeeeaaan IIIII aaaammm bbooorrriiinggg? Issss iiiiittt beeecauuuusseeee IIIII drooooone?

Osama Bin Laden explodes from a smart missile.

Teacher: Alright kids. I guess story time is over. Let’s open your books to math. Alrighty, so a train with a bomb leaves New York going at 95 miles an hour. A terrorist wants it to explode at 2:30….

If we have the best military in the whole world, why don’t we invade countries with a profitable natural resource and use the money to pay all our debt and balance the budget? It totally worked in Iraq so we can make it work again. However, oil is so early 2000’s. We need to think about the future and a resource that will always be in high demand. That’s why the US should invade Jamaica. We must send a message to the president about the need to invade Jamaica without delay.

We got the map. All we need are miniature troop models to slide across it.

Bomb here. But watch the weed fields.

Marijuana is a very profitable plant and those Jamaicans really know how to make money off of it. When my parents took a cruise, they were offered pot at least twenty times during their one day on the island. My parents could have made a small fortune if they decided to get into the international drug smuggling business. I bet certain circus performers could be really good at drug smuggling.

Interviewer: So why do you want to be in the drug smuggling industry?

Circus Performer: I can fit 5 pounds of Meth into my anus.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Circus Performer: Does this position come with benefits?

And because the Jamaicans are pretty relaxed and really friendly, I bet the invasion will be super easy. The US could sort of walk in and take over the country. We won’t even need excuses like WMD’s because the country is way laid back. The closest WMD in Jamaica is “Wicked Marijuana Dawg!” We even have a perfect Trojan horse already put in place. All the soldiers could just hide on a cruise ship and invade at their leisure. Imagine if we used that tactic on D-day. I bet there would have been a lot less death.

The brochure said nothing about the blood!

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the “Best Shell Fish in all of Normandy?”

Nazi Scout: There are a bunch of cruise ships on their way.

Nazi Commander: Finally! Tourism is picking up again! And better yet, a reason to play my Collected Hawaiian Hits record collection. Tell the troops to put on their Hawaiian shirts. And get my ten thousand coconut drinks with those tiny umbrellas!

Nazi Scout: Heir Commandant. We have no umbrellas.

Nazi Commander: What? No umbrellas! Kill them! Bomb them all! Crush the life out of their very existence!

Once the US has controlling interest of all the sweet Jamaican hash, we will be able to pay off all our debts and maybe even have some left over to get all the American citizens pinball machines. Because pinball machines are wicked cool yo.

A Historical, Transcultural, and Sacrilicious Perspective on Gluten Free

I wonder if Alice had to worry about gluten?

The genital region of this gluten free product is censored for younger audiences.

The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish. For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye.

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like make them glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages:

Do you think they used the toilet with face paint?

Do it! And let the English watch.

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallying the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from the menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.

Drive-Thru Voice: Welcome to McWontChangeTheWorldWon’tBeSuedNotDonald’s, may I take your order?

Customer: Can you ritually sacrifice a cow to the great Pazuzu for my Quarter NotPounder?

DTV: One number 3, would you like fries with that?

Customer: Can I get them fried in the same volcano used to sacrifice virgins?

DTV: One upgrade on the fries. What would you like to drink?

Customer: Could I get a water made from children’s tears?

DTV: WHAT? THAT’S SICK! You are fucked up. So fucked up.

There is more than enough Jesus to go around!

1: Do you suppose he’s gluten free? 2: Take a bite out of him and see…

Ireland is so gluten friendly that in the big cathedral of Galway, there was a gluten free communion wafer line. Now since the communion wafer is technically the Body of Christ, wouldn’t that mean that Jesus would have a gluten free diet to be gluten free?  What makes gluten bad for those that have a problem with it is that gluten leaks into the blood stream. So therefore, if you have a gluten free diet, your body has no gluten. Hence, in order to have a gluten free Body of Christ, Jesus must have went on a gluten free diet! Let’s take a look at the historical records that I just made up.

Judas and Jesus are in bed together, engaging in pillow talk.

Judas: I don’t like how you sleep with other guys.

Jesus: I’m not a one man sort of dude. It’s an open relationship. All twelve of you know that. Paul doesn’t seem to care.

Judas: Paul will fuck anything that moves. Besides, he really wants to get in the pants of Pontius.

Jesus: Oh man, I’d really like to fuck that.

Judas: It hurts when you say that.

Jesus: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And boy what I’d have Pontius do onto me.

Judas: Stop it, Jesus! I love you.

Jesus: Love thy fellow man…

Judas: I thought we had something!

Judas runs out in tears. Jesus is riffling though some scrolls.

Jesus: You’ll be back. Hey, who took the word penis out of all my Sermon on the Mount monologues? I’m going to have to talk with Matthew. And by talk, I mean fuck. It’s good to be the son of god with a 12 inch pianist.

12 Inch Pianist: Hello, you are probably wondering, how do I play a piano when I am only 12 inches tall? My piano is smaller to fit my hand size. You are also wondering, was Jesus really gay? Well, he did hang out with 12 dudes and he wanted them to have his body. You decide. Paul, the wild one, in the original translation of his letter to the Romans, “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural function of the icky woman, burned in their lust toward washboard abs and rippling biceps, men doing what is inappropriate with men but oh so much fun, and receiving in themselves the due of a high five.” The events here are merely a fiction based on conjecture. Back to the story, Judas isn’t a manwhore. He was secretly waiting for Jesus to settle down. Judas did what anyone with a broken heart would do. Setup his lover.

I wonder if the Romans had hazing rituals?

You gay, bro?

Pontius Pilate is bench pressing prisoners. Judas moves in to spot him.

Pontius: You are blocking my light twerp.

Judas: I can get you a date with Mary.

Pontius: You serious, bro? This isn’t one of your homo tricks?

Judas: I’m going to assume your homophobia comes from your father and ignore that.

Pontius: Too many big words!

Judas: Whoa! Calm down! I’ll hook you up with Mary.

Pontius: Ok, bro! But if this is one of your gay tricks. I’ll punch you.

Later, at the apartment of Jesus:

Jesus displays his six pack in front of a mirror.

Jesus (singing): I’m too sexy for my robe! Too sexy for my carpenter stick. So sexy it hurts.

Judas: I got you a date with Pontius!

Jesus: I thought you were jealous of the open relationship.

Judas: Turn the other cheek.

Jesus: I’ll tell you what I’d do with those cheeks.

Jesus slaps Judas’ ass. A laugh track goes off.

Jesus: We really have to get that fixed.

Judas: It’s kind of annoying.

Laugh track.

Jesus: Testicles.

Laugh track. Jesus giggles.

Judas: Do you think about anything else?

Jesus: I was born with infinite love! What do you expect?

Later that night:

Jesus is lying in a four post bed. Judas draws the curtains hiding Jesus inside.

Judas: Remember. Don’t say anything. Let Pontius be in control. He likes that.

Pontius: Scram twerp.

Judas exits. Pontius climbs into bed.

Hah! The painting is called Ecce Homo!

The fact that Pontius liked it only proves that his homophobic tendencies were a result of repressed desires.

Days later:

Jesus is on a crucifix. Judas cries at his feet.

Judas: Oh lord! Please forgive me!

Jesus: Hey Judas, Look at my abs! Don’t they look good! I did the South Beach diet in prep for the crucifixion.

Judas: You dieted for a crucifixion?

Jesus: I’m going with the top down for the next three days. I want to look good.

Judas: Jesus Christ! I think I just invented a new swear word.

Jesus: I also tried gluten free. I heard it helps with bloating. It also could have been this ab blaster routine.

12 Inch Pianist: And there you have it. Evidence that Jesus may have been gluten free. While many scholars debate the actual events of his life, all pretty much agree that he was very health conscience. Why do you think all the crosses feature a ripped and buff Jesus? Well, anything looks ripped and buff when you are my size. And did you know that my penis is actually 12 inches. When I bounce on it, I look like the letter T.

More Than a Pot of Gold at the End of This Rainbow

I feel obligated to report on the toilets in Ireland after I make a big stink (HA! I MADE A FUNNY!) about travel writers not writing about bathrooms enough. I also hope that I am the first writer to take notes about the bathroom experience. So here is a little Irish Bathroom Experience in 3D! Poop flying at you from… The editors would apologize as we have discovered the Irish Bathroom Experience in 3D is on the list of banned 3D experiences. We’d like to continue this in regular D and possibly even blurry D or even no D.

This is the only picture I've reused. What does that say about me?

Ireland had the short, round bowls. American toilets have the longer bowls to let men feel better about themselves.

Let’s start with the logistics and history. I thought that it was going to be like Germany because in the Dublin airport, they were labeled WC which stands for “Water Conda”. They are called “Water Condas” because back in the olden days, giant anaconda’s used to rise out of the toilets and muscle burgeoning men like Arnold from Conan the Barbarian had to wrestle them into submission. The muscle burgeons would then allude to the snake being the actual size of their penis and the chicks fell for the bullshit. They made babies and we had musclemen pretty much ruling the world in the middle ages.

Nerdy skinny guys now rule society today because they invented toilets with holes too small for the anaconda’s to fit through. The musclemen didn’t want to compare their penis size with anything small even though the steroid abuse the eighties reduced their penis to size of something you’d study in a biology class.

Student: Mr. Finklestien! Conan the Barbarian is sticking his penis in my microscope slide again!

However, when we got out of the Dublin airport, the bathrooms were labeled toilets for the most part. Most places marked the men’s room as Gents and the women’s were labeled “those other people without rights such as abortion.” While I can’t verify the women’s, the men’s bathrooms were really clean in Ireland. There was the occasional pub here and there that could use a cleaning but nothing like in America where men pee on the walls as if they were a sprinkler system.

But I think that brings me to the big cultural difference of Ireland versus the US – the urinals. In the US, men have barriers between themselves when they pee. There is also the code. You never pee next to someone else unless you can avoid it. Never look towards someone else while you pee-especially in the eyes. And never, ever try to talk to them.

American One begins to pee. American Two comes in and starts to pee two urinals down.

American Two: Tiger is at -6.

American One turns into Cthulhu.

Cthulhu: You have unleashed the powers of darkness! I will engulf the world. The raw power of evil unleashed-

American Two: Whoa! I’m going to need some expository dialogue. How did I do that?

Cthulhu: The magic that bound me to my mortal imprisonment said that if a man speak to a another stranger during the sacred time of pee, Evil shall rise up and destroy the Earth.

American Two: That’s  stupid.

Cthulhu: Tell me about it. My cousin is slumbering from a magic that will be broken if a woman uses the men’s room even if there is a long line to the women’s and the men’s bathroom is a single person one anyway.

American Two: Wow. That’s weird.

Cthulhu: Ancient slumbering evil has a lot of rules and regulations. I remember when you could just slaughter indiscriminately.

American Two: Those where the days.

Cthulhu: For sure! So true.

HP Lovecraft's Ancient Evil Poop

“Who forgot to flush? That’s so disgusting that I can’t really describe it and would have you, the reader, imagine the horror I’m experiencing.”

In my experience of Ireland, men had no problem with a little bathroom conversation. It’s probably because there were really no privacy barriers between urinals and in some cases no urinals-just a pissing wall with a time release water flow to rinse off the wall. With my American sensibilities of privacy, I found myself hiding out in the stall and avoiding the urinals-which made for over hearing interesting conversation.

Irish One: Tiger is up by two.

Irish Two: There should be rain tomorrow.

Irish Three: Does anyone know how to get to the Ferry?

Irish Four: Strait up the road to Galway keep the ocean on your left.

The Irish are the best small talkers on the planet. Everyone is super friendly and willing chat. Maybe it’s the shared sense of urinal space that encourages small talk. Maybe other men’s wangs flopping freely in the bathroom makes people from any culture uncomfortable. What better way to dispel discomfort than small talk?

As an American traveling in a country that strongly influenced the culture of the US, maybe Americans are just like rebellious teenagers. “They don’t have dividers in the urinals, we’ll show them! We’ll put dividers! How are you going to small talk now! I’ll listen to my music as loud as I want too!” Or maybe I’m reading too much into it and I’m putting more thought into the bathroom than the inventor of the toilet.

Sir Edgar Toilet I: I am Sir Edgar Toilet the first and I am severely offended by this. I think a lot about the toilet. My offspring now have a pretty shitty dynastic connection… no pun intended. Either way, I demand the immediate cessation of this article. Why are you looking at me like that? Because I said cess? Cess is a normal function of everyday life. Why can’t we talk about it? I swim in cesspools at least twice a week. It connects me to nature.

Kind of looks like a mug shot...

“Hey sweet cheeks, you want to make a movie?”

The editors would like to apologize for the interruption and would like to return to the Oscar winning movie Argo (already in progress).

Iranian Solider: You expect me to believe that you are really making a movie.

Solider turns around and Ben Affleck has his clothes off.

Iranian Solider: Oh… it’s that kind of movie.

Queue music… Solider unzips…

The Worldly Poop

Comedy writers always ask the tough questions. Or at least the questions that nobody else asks. Is it just me or do people grunting while pooping make you uncomfortable? I always feel a little weird when the stall next door is full of:

For added fun, track your poops during the week!

Now you know the types of poop. You’re welcome.

Phtttttp.

Ahhhh…

Phhhhtttp.

Errrr…..

Phhhhhhhhttttttttpppppppp…

AHHHHHHH!

 SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH.

YES! YES! YES!

And of course you get the picture.  It’s like they have to prove their manhood over the shit. It sort of weirds me out to hear someone grunting away like they are wrestling a bear in the next stall over. I always thought men were noisy poopers.  That was until I went to Germany. Life was much quieter in Berlin. My wife and I noticed the noise difference right away. We would be in a crowded subway platform and hear noises like the rustle of a newspaper or scuff of a shoe on pavement. In New York, the equivalent subway platform crowd would sound like Muppets being squeezed in the Death Star’s trash compactor.

Kermit: Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level!

R2Animal2 and CFozziO are smoking a joint. R2Animal2 blows out a big puff of smoke.

CFozziO: Waka… waka… that’s funny shit man.

Sounds of Muppets death permeate the room.

CFozziO: Deep man… fucking deep.

R2Animal2 drools.

The volume level is just lower in Germany. My wife and I started talking quietly while we where there. We talked at what would be conspiratorial levels in the USA because if we talked any louder, we would stick out. And judging by the fact that a man asked us to sign a petition on the subway platform, I think we did a good job blending in. Well, at least until they heard us talk.

Me: Svien Curry Verst Bitter mitt pomme French fries.

Translation: I’m an American. Give me anything and I’ll smile and nod.

I wonder what search terms will lead to this post?

We need a new poopography plan. It’s all going to Antarctica.

The German pooping experience was completely different from back home. I’m used to the apocalypse happening in the stall next door back home. In Berlin… nothing. A crowded bathroom. And truly no noise. Sure, there was the occasional rustle of toilet paper and maybe a shift but it was truly a place where you can poop in quiet. I loved it. I never felt awkward while the heavy breathing guy in the next stall ruined what should be a relaxing poop.

I’m not really the travel writer but why don’t the travel blogs and shows cover pooping? Pooping is quite literally something we all have to do, every day! Wouldn’t it be nice to know what to expect. I mean Germany was a five star poop-not only were they quiet but they were pristine as most of the toilets were self cleaning!  Whereas I’ve been to other places hovering over the seat and wondering what kind of foul poop dwelling bugs could jump.

So Lonely Planet, if you are reading this post, write more about places to poop! We clueless travelers need to know! Or pay me to travel around the world and I’ll poop in every country. Either way, I think this is a very important issue. Write your congress person today! Tell them you care about poop and not about these stupid issues like debt ceiling, gun control, and healthcare.

25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Europe

Don’t urinate on it…

My wife and I are finally going to our 2 year late honeymoon in Berlin. Ideas that Won’t Change the World will be on hold while I am there. As luck would have it, we are going back again to Europe in 2013 with her family because they found this amazing deal for a week in Ireland. What better way for me to celebrate two years of international travel than with a post 25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Europe. See you all when I get back or kicked out…

1. Try to rebuild the Berlin wall. Insist that it’s for the public good.

2. Write a food column that scores every dish from France really low and scores every McDonald’s value meal really high.

3. Pantless Travel. On second thought… probably not a bad idea.

4. Get really angry when people don’t speak to you in “American”.

5. Insist there is only one true football.

6. Invade Poland.

7. Urinate on great works of art.

8. Attempt to reclaim Rome. Explain that you are a descendent of Caesar. Cite your “fine Roman nose” as proof.

9. Try to scalp tickets to “front row” seats for physician assisted suicide in Zurich.

10. The sex offender run after the bulls.

11. Tell everyone you meet in Ireland just how British they are.

12. Travel Eastern Europe in search of vampires. Make sure to clarify that you are looking for economic vampires devaluing the strength of the Euro.

13. Tell the British to stop rewriting American television shows.

14. Ask customs if you need to declare illegal gun, drug, and terrorism trade.

15. Keep insisting “this is how they do it in America.”

16. Walk into every store and proclaim loudly, “I can’t believe they have _________________ here!”

17. Urinate on public officials.

18. Explain the Iraq war as the “first step in world domination and we are coming for you next.” Then do the eye thing.

19. National tackle an Interpol agent day is only respected in America.

20. Tell the English they got their national anthem wrong and the words are “amber waves of grain and shit.”

21. Urinate on any building over 300 years old.

22. Claim that you are a time traveling secret police agent from the Eastern Block. Well up in tears when they explain the fall of communism and say that you must tighten security in the past.

23. The cliffs in Croatia? You made them. Take ownership!

24. Go from city to city and ask if this is the place where you can shoot up and they won’t arrest you. Do it regardless of the answer.

25. Urinate on people in the park. Claim you thought they were homeless.