10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe from Sexual Predators

While children are in no greater risk from sexual predators on Halloween than any other day of the year, better safe than sorry. Here are some tips to avoid sexual predators this Halloween.

1. Rig your kid with explosive paint dye. Use that dye they put in fake bills for bank robberies.

2. Adopt Newt Gringrich as your child. Ain’t nobody touching that shit!

3. Dress your child like the abusive family member that sent the sexual predator on his path of crime.

4. Those kids would sure be safe if those fake guns were real!

5. Hire a ninja to watch your child.

6. Since children being hit by a car is the only safety issue that statistically increases on Halloween, drive erratically down the road. The creeps won’t get your child if you hit them with a car.

7. Offer yourself instead.

8. Don’t let your child do anything. Ever. Just ignore the fact that crime rates have been dropping since the nineties and use paranoia to dictate your child’s life.

9. If you see a street full of kids but they all seem to disappear at one house, don’t let your kids stop at that house.

10. Hire a dwarf actor to trick-or-treat with your kids. Nothing turns off the sexual predators more than facial hair.

15 Awful Ways To Put Trick in Trick-or-Treat

1. Dress as Ronald Reagan and give out I.O.U. trickle down notes.

2. Give out Ben and Jerry’s ice cream with a leak in the package.

3. Pass out “10 Reasons You’ll Never Succeed” pamphlets.

4. Ask every parent out. Tell them the kids will be fine on their own.

5. Pass out tooth brushes (This really happens! Every year I got one!).

6. Camel Joe never seems to win over the parents.

7. A Hate Group Party Leader Costume and ask permission to give out reading material.

8. The Meth Lab Man giving out rock candy.

9. Dress up as a Fitness Instructor. Leave out a bowl of carrots and another with candy. Wire the candy with 10,000 volts. Grin as they decide.

10. Dress like a grandparent. Pass out toilet paper, eggs, and a gasoline soaked brown sack of dog poo. Then say, “You kids have fun now.”

11. Burn CD’s of your band. Guilt the children into paying for them.

12. Pass out fortune cookies with fortunes that teach various curse words.

13. Those miniature bottles of whiskey aren’t just for airplanes you know.

14. Taco Bell sauce packets. Yep, got do something with those sauce packets sitting in the fridge for years.

15. Set up a “Hell House” and pick really silly sins such as jaywalking, parking meter violations, and class tardiness.