The greatest invention of our time is now available: The Poop to Electricity Machine. That’s right! This is not an April Fool’s prank. This is a real — if stinky — deal! I can’t wait for the next step when we can just shit directly into our gas tank. Imagine stop free road trips as refueling is a simple matter of pooping in the gas tank.

The next time you are on a road trip don’t be afraid to stop at Taco Bell. Fill up on those 5,000 layer burritos. They will be useful later on when the tank is close to empty. We really haven’t had an invention this wonderful since the port-a-potty. Imagine large events without port-a-potties.

Shakespearean Actor: We have a great show for you tonight! How are the groundlings doing?

Groundling: Everybody is shitting on us.

I really think the next step is to create a urine to windshield wiper fluid converter. It sure beats trying to do it yourself while going 75 miles an hour. At the very least, it will stop the truckers from honking at me.